Quitting Chastity?

Why does one of us have to be wrong here? This was supposed to be about opening up our dialogue to the group. And I realize that in doing so there will be responses that one or the other of us chafe at. But in still never ceases to amaze me how hard it is for people to step outside their own experiences when contemplating other's.

So some cliffs notes that may help for those that genuinely want to provide some feedback. Or revise theirs.

- I barely masturbated. Didn't have too. We've never had sex less than, say, 3 times a week? But yes, she always hated that did it at all.

- I never asked for the cage. Had never heard of the thing. We saw one in a toy shop one day and went for it. She loved how it made me act. I loved how much fun she had with it, and thought it was just good kinky fun.

- When she asked if it was something I would be willing to keep on full time, the basic agreement was that, yes, I would wear it, as long as most of the time she used it to enhance or sex life (even if actual PIV frequency reduced). That's what's happened, and as such i've been fine with it for all this time.

But lately, I've had some of the concerns that I outlined above. I mentioned them to her. We talked about it, and agreed to post our situation here at the Mansion so we could get some feedback.

That's the background, and I hope it clears things up. We're not fighting. Im not "unhappy". Im just a little concerned that the cage is taking me places she's not necessarily interested in going. So I've mentioned to her a few times that I'm not sure the cage is a great idea so much anymore.

Truthfully, I'm starting to like the damn thing. That in and of itself scares me. When she goes to take me out and i feel what i think is a twinge of regret that she's taking me out???? That's all new to me and kinda scary.

Idk. Maybe we were asking too much.

 

I remember a scary little moment that gave trouble. She asked me if I wanted to cum. I honestly didn't know. What the heck!? How do I not know the answer to that? I actually took so long to answer she answered for me lol.

Of course I wanted to, but I didn't know if I should say it, didn't know if it was what I should say, and I didn't know if I was being selfish by attaining my seconds of bliss knowing I would not be very subbie for awhile. Geesh...I used to know the answer to that question in half a millisecond.

 

Hi again I know that you think that @macmagna went a little over board, but the base of his argument is that even if you did not suggest the chastity belt you should still live with the simple idea That the person with the key is the one in charge.

 

@Thatgirl and @Thatguyontheinternet I didn't mean to overstep, and I certainly don't know all of the ins and outs of your relationship... I assumed that he was locked because he asked. As I mentioned I didn't go back and read everyone's back story. The bottom line is if it's a game that's not fun, don't do it. If you are finding enjoyment, then party on. Plus anything else that I said that you liked and none of the stuff that you didn't. LOL

 

@macmagna - worry not. It's all good. And your post certainly made good points. Should I try harder to just do as told? Probably. But FLR is kind of an outgrowth of chastity for us. Not the other way around. So when I said I broke the rules it wasn't to "see if I could". It was to see if she cared about them in the first place.

Your post didn't really bother me. Being called childish by LadyS for trying to figure out where thatgirl and I stand with all this by pushing limits and gauging reaction - that's a little annoying frankly. Particularly framed as so many erroneously do - as coming from a guy who cajoled his woman into all this in the first place. It's just not our situation. And that one little nuance changing everything. Because unlike many men who KNOW why they're in the cage (because they asked for it) I have a constant question swirling around in my head as to what the reason is.

If SHE likes the idea of setting rules and enforcing them. Fine. I don't care what the reason is as long as there's something there. Something she's getting out of this aside from the assurance that when she passes out at 10:00pm I don't rub one out on my own.

Should I be happy to just wear it because she says so and be happy for any interaction she graces me with? Maybe. But that's not the way we do this. She's a frisky one and likes to play and obvisously id never complain about that. It's just sometimes, given the shit floating around in MY head about the changes the cage is making to my thoughts and desires, I start to wonder if the cage and its effects on my psyche are necessary for that.

She clearly feels they are and she told me so. She likes the way I dote over her when locked for a bit. She likes that forplay IS the play and not just a pre-lude all the time. We did get that far in our conversation about this.

 

@Thatguyontheinternet My comments were addressed to your wife. She started this thread and suddenly you pop up and start commenting yourself. I think you both need to talk things over between yourselves. The questions you are asking me, should be addressed to your wife but I would add that in a FLR the final decision is the females.

 

Ha ha ha. What on earth would that achieve ???

 

On the off chance that someone now or in the future finds this thread helpful in their own lives I thought that perhaps giving you more info and asking more direct questions pertaining to the situation might better help you provide advice - to Her and if I would be so lucky, me as well

But I get it. It's a lot easier dispense generic FLR handbook advice than to deal in specifics.

And for the record - @Thatgirl asked me over the course of 24 hours to please contribute to this thread. She wanted to have the discussion simultaneously, thinking that considered input from other members might prove helpful.

To those who did so, you have my sisncere thanks. It actually has helped.

 

Hey @frankie teardrop I'm sorry if I offended you, I suppose it was my particular mood at the time when I posted in this thread this morning. I shouldn't have even brought any of that old stuff up in my last comment of my last post, so actually my apologies to everyone.

All I really wanted to say was I think it's unhealthy for couples living chastity relationships to not seriously regard their partners desire to quit Chastity if they feel they need a break. It's not fair to say "it's all about her" when the core of the relationship could really be effected. I personally was swayed from quitting twice this year myself. My wife wouldn't allow it because my being in chastity really means something to her and she wasn't going to give up that power so easily. We worked through the problem and in the end I'm glad it worked out the way it did. So what I'm saying is let's make it all about her and a healthy overall relationship.

 

If you do it because you enjoy it then you'll want to continue. And if so and you want it enough you'll find a way. If you have the will then you will succeed and he will comply on the basis that he will accept it's what YOU want.

 

Wow, this is the best thread we've had going in my limited time in the Mansion. Thanks @Thatgirl for starting it and @Thatguyontheinternet for what I'll call fanning the flames. There have been a lot of thought provoking posts and a few lame ones too. Kudos to you guys for putting it out there and telling it like it is. I have to say the way you started and @Thatguyontheinternet comments on how the cage is changing him really resonated with me. My wife and I started with no intention of this being anything other than a sex game. I initiated it, but it wasn't like I said "please lock my dick up and rule me my queen". I also experienced changes once I started wearing the device and found all kinds of good things. 1) It made me realize that cuddling isn't always intended as foreplay to sex. 2) It made me realize how destructive my masturbation habit was to myself and my wife. 3) It made me remember why I fell in love with her in the first place. These things led to a surge in affection for my wife. What changed gradually at first and then more quickly was how my affection drove me to see her derive pleasure changed into a desire to serve her. Now my cage gets tight when I serve her breakfast in bed. When did that happen? I now get excited by things that were pure torture before. I don't think I did more than five loads of laundry in our first 15 years of marriage and I did 5 this weekend and I was freaking excited to do it. When did that happen? So @Thatguyontheinternet when you say you are concerned about the changes the cage is having on you I get where your are coming from. For me it is still exciting and fun, so I'm not concerned, but I am aware how different I am from the person I was 6 months ago.

It seems from your posts that one of the points of friction you guys have is rules and punishments. I researched how people handle punishments before bringing the idea up with my wife. I realized that she would not do something that took a lot of effort, so we came up with a simple system. I keep a punishment list. I have a simple list app on my phone and when I do something wrong, I type it in. Sometimes she tells me "go add that to your list", but mainly I'm on an honor system. On Thursday I present the list to her and she decides on my punishment. Punishments vary based on the quantity and severity of the infractions. I frankly thought she was going too soft on me so one week I ended it with P.S. you hit like a girl. That was a sore ass day. I would suggest trying to nail down what is troubling you the most and work on that. Look for what you both like and emphasize that. Look at what you both don't like and work on changing that. Make a short pros and cons list, no more than 3 of each. What do you love and what would you change and then share lists. The last time my wife and I did this she wrote the following -

It seems that we are much closer and seem to be having more sexual play more often. I realize now that I was stingy with sexual play because it was always the goal to get to you cumming, and without that hanging over me, it just seems more fun.

I'll end with that.

 

There is a lot of resonating going on here, a lot of evidence of how similar people's experiences can be with regards to unexpected changes. I certainly didn't expect the level of change to our relationship when we started 20 months ago.

A quick recap for those who are new to my situation - I suggested I wear a device not as a way to control my orgasms but as a way to cover up the genital modification I had done to my penis. My Wife agreed. Twenty months later and my average time of denial is at least two months, my longest has been five months and deep down I wish she would push me further. We live in an FLR where she has fully taken on the role of my Mistress keyholder.

I still don't fully understand why I get so turned in by her saying no, but I do. A lot.

Just like @PouchPantyLover described before chastity I was at fault for thinking a cuddle meant sex. It was putting my Wife off even asking for a cuddle. The pressure was also on her when we had sex to make me cum, and on me to not cum before her. The pressure is now utterly gone on both counts. Our levels of intimacy is now much greater than it ever was before.

We have been, and continue, to go through a very crap and stressful year. Our levels of sexual play have crashed in terms of what we were doing last year but the amount of intimacy has increased. My Wife is rarely in the mood for sexual play, but she needs to be held, for me to spend time with her, supporting her and making her feel loved, without sulking about the lack of sex. Chastity has given us that.

I wish my Wife was more like @Thatgirl, more sexually active and adventurous, but she isn't. She is a lot more adventurous than she was before I put this device on, and for that I am very grateful. I do still struggle and occasionally wonder if this is going to be for life. Most of the time I would never want to stop and would be upset if she did decide to quit.

 

@Thatguyontheinternet It's obviously all your fault and you should be ashamed of yourself and stop topping from the bottom and learn to be a good sub.....
lol j/k
My wife and I had/have similar issues, especially as far as the rules thing is concerned. My thought is that if it's a rule worth having then it's a rule worth enforcing or holding the person accountable to. My wife made a few rules in an effort to help us progress in a FLR direction. They were all things I pretty much did anyway so there wasn't much for her to enforce.
A good example is that one of the rules was no dirty dishes on the counter. For the record, she never does dishes because I've always been the one to keep on top of it. But, like almost every human being, there are times I let it slide for whatever reason, so her rule was aimed at holding me accountable and keeping me on task the 2% of the time I'm not on top of it.
We didn't spell out any specific consequences, just stated the rules. I was pretty good about it for 3 weeks or so. Then, one day after making dinner I didn't clean up right away because I was exhausted after a grueling day at work and besides, my wife was still at work and wasn't going to be home until very late, so I just left them there. At the time I figured, well, one night isn't a big deal and she probably won't notice or care. After all, she hadn't noticed or cared, or acknowledged, that I had been extremely diligent in following her rules to the letter so in the moment it seemed that the rule was nearly meaningless. That isn't being childish, it's being human. I was getting no benefit from following the rule so I just didn't bother. I wasn't testing her, pushing boundaries or trying the limits.
Of course, she didn't say a word about it. I wasn't hoping for punishment or special attention, just some kind of confirmation that the rule meant something to her. She could have said, "Hey, I'd like you to clean off the counter now" and that would have been it. That would have been all that I needed in order to know that she was "still in the game."
If that's too much effort then apparently the rule is worthless. If that's the case then the whole motivation behind the rules needs to be examined, which it seems is a part of what you're going through.

 

I love everything that has gone on in this thread! Jealous... Yes.... Hard core women who just want a man toy to play with... That doesn't turn on when their women aren't around to play with themselves.

Sorry for coming down on you so hard @Thatguyontheinternet ... So the real issue is that you want to keep doing all the sexy funtime games without wearing the device all the time. It wasn't your idea to wear the device full time, and you aren't sure that you are comfortable with the submissive feelings you are having.... But all the awesome crazy other stuff is good....

So @Thatgirl did you decide that he has to wear the device all the time since he told you that he isn't sure about his feelings or are you going to make him continue to wear it to see where this goes? And what about the punishment? Has he been more responsible out of respect for you? Have you considered punishments that benefit you that you don't have to work to employ?

@LadyS I always love it when you chime in! We men should get what we deserve. You do put up with a lot of stupid things that we do... Envious (me)... Yes...

 

I crave to clean up because it means orgasm but always try to get out of it. If she didn't physically put it in my mouth, push my head down or verbally threaten me, I would try like heck to get out of it. She knows I get subbie right away if I do so...she's all about getting me there asap.

 

Glad to see you guys are sticking with chastity for now, good luck!

 

I think like so much else having to do with all this, it's a bit of a dance between saying what you want, yet not wanting to have the other person doing things just because you want. That's why it can be tough to communicate in precise terms. That and because the truth is, I don't always have it all worked out myself. Certainly not to a point where I can accurately get the message across. Not with all the concerns about topping from the bottom and every other damned thing.

Then there's also something that @Thatgirl pointed out, which is that both times I brought this up it was right after being released and orgasming the traditional way. Idk if it's the same as the post orgasm blues or whatever, but I think it's certainly true that immediately after having proper, manly sex, I definitely lose some of the drive to get back in the cage. The doubts and other things precision mentioned seem to all bubble up at once.

Either way. I've been trying to be better these last days about doing the things I know she wants me to do. I still am curious if she has, or is thinking about, some governing goal to the chastity. But like any good pet, I don't need to know what it is specifically. Just knowing the things she does and doesn't do are considered and intentional is enough.

Follow through and attentiveness. I think we all need it male / female, sub / dom.

 

I'd like to restate the issue as I understand it, just to make sure I do.
@Thatguyontheinternet is locked in chastity and is under the impression that @Thatgirl is leaning towards a more flr style relationship. He is enjoying the play, is attentive to her needs and overall they are both happy.
He has occasion to wonder where chastity fits into her goals regarding growth as a couple in a more flr direction. He has occasion to wonder what exactly those goals are. He has occasion to wonder what her core motivations are, in terms somewhat more specific than "just because."
In fact, she has occasion to wonder the same things, as she stated in the very first post, "He can't put his finger on why he wants to quit, but I am pretty sure it is because neither of us have clear goals on what Chastity is doing for us." Furthermore, his honest self-examination in regards to chastity raises other questions for him, existential questions that are not easily recognized by most people and certainly not easy for anyone to grapple with.

I think that's a fair summary, as I understand it.

Not only are those lines of questioning worthwhile, they are healthy and necessary. I think it's foolish to chide someone for putting actual thought into building a relationship with their SO and then having the courage to share it with the community. When someone posts honestly about their relationship, the good, the bad, the ugly, I think it's ignorant to criticize them for what you perceive as their failings rather than listen and give the constructive and insightful feedback being asked for.

I can totally understand @Thatguyontheinternet being trepidacious about posting these honest, real life, non-fantasy feelings on the issue only to be met with critiques on his behavior rather than input regarding the base issue. As I understand it, the base issue isn't that he's childish, ungrateful, unsubmissive, self-absorbed, selfish, etc. or that @Thatgirl is hapless, forgetful, or apathetic. Because that's not the case.
The base issue is that they are both examining what role chastity plays in their relationship, and doing an honest inventory of what the goals are because they're still working on getting the formula just right for them. They've noticed some issues they'd like to address in order to grow as a couple. They are sharing with us the circumstances which made them realize the issues not so that they would be blasted for the circumstances, but to give context in order for the community to understand and hopefully give them some perspective.

I mean, that's pretty fucking amazing. We're truly fortunate to have members like them and I really hope they're getting some useful feedback from us.