Quitting Chastity?

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Thatgirl, May 20, 2017.

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  1. Thatguyontheinternet
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    Thatguyontheinternet Owned by Thatgirl

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    This is a perfectly fair point. And I do try. Lord I try. But let me ask you - if long term lock up isn't the goal, or isn't attainable because the Dom isn't willing to give up the D for that long, and the rules the Dom makes are suddenly and apparently not worth it to her to enforce, where does that leave the Sub? What does he think? What's his purpose?

    We play plenty. I do not lack for attention and do need to cry out for it. Its about what sort of attention it is. If it has nothing to do with chastity, then why must I continue to wear the cage?
     
  2. Thatguyontheinternet
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    Thatguyontheinternet Owned by Thatgirl

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    I love @Thatgirl unconditionally, and without reservation. Don't need the cage for that. I service her in every sexual way she could ever want. Don't need the cage for that.

    But is she tying to create a more docile, submissive Me? We might need the cage for that. Does she want a Me who begs for it in the ass and gives up expecting to have PIV whenever he wants? We might need the cage for that. The possibilities for what she could want out of me wearing the cage are endless. And just for the fun of it is right up there at the top of the list. But it isn't fun for her if it comes off every time she wants to play.

    I will continue wearing the cage because she CLEARLY wants me to. But frankly, I'm just not 100% sure why she wants me to any more. And thats all I was trying to suss out when I mentioned that perhaps a break from the cage was in order. I wanted to hear, "no, I like the cage and here's why" or "no, Im still trying to _________" I don't know, maybe I'm a dick. That's often the consensus here it seems. But I just wanted to check that there was still some point to this OTHER THAN that she hates the idea of me jerking off. Because as i've said a bazillion times before, that's not adequate. Not for me.

    So right now, I'm in it just because she wants me in it. But I would love to know that she's putting some thought into why she wants me in it. Does she like being dominant? I have no idea.
     
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  3. Thatguyontheinternet
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    Thatguyontheinternet Owned by Thatgirl

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    One last thing. A little raw honesty from me.

    I worry a LOT these days that as a result of non-stop (if broken up by short breaks for sex) wearing of the cage I am in fact becoming way more submissive. Starting to crave a level of dominance from @Thatgirl that I am not entirely sure she's going to be able to provide. Then what?

    THere's just no getting around the fact that regardless of her level of engagement with chastity, my wearing of the thing is changing me. It's changing what I yearn for, what I think about when I'm fantasizing, and what I hope for when I can tell she's in the mood to play. And to be honest, that freaks me the fuck out.

    A little reassurance that she knows this is happening, and has got it under control would be really, really nice. To hear that that's what she wants to be happening to me would be extraordinarily comforting.

    Bottom line, it's getting harder and harder for me to wear the cage every day and stave off the changes that seem to come with it. That's really freaky for me, especially if thats not what she was after. If it's not what she wants for me/us, and if she's not going to continue down this path with me, growing her dominant side as my submissive side takes over, then would it not be best to take the cage off and end it now? Before the changes in me are permanent and the desires I have, if not able to be fulfilled, grow to dominate my psyche?

    What do you think of that? Because it's something I think about.

    The point is this is becoming very real for me lately. More than just the game that we've engaged in it as up to this point. And I need her to know that.
     
  4. Jasmic68
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    Jasmic68 Long term member

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    What you just wrote really chimed with me. I have been through the same realisation that wearing my device is changing me but where it freaked you out I craved more change. It is still true though that I did have many moments where I actually became scared of or confused by the changes.

    So I don't think you are a dick. You are a real person with needs and worries. It's really healthy to air the issues and get different viewpoints from all the different types of people who have responded so far. If nothing else it lets you know how many of us value your input into this crazy forum. The fact that you are a real couple doing this is also hugely important given how rare it is for both participants to contribute to the Mansion.
     
  5. harddenial
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    harddenial Member

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    Totally agree it does have a profound effect. It would be very interesting if you could elaborate on what these changes are for you and why the changes freak you out.
     
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  6. spider203
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    spider203 Long term member

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    I think @Mistress B and @Thatgirl should swap subs for a fortnight and see what happens, I know not possibly with one in uk and one in America. But it would make good reading
     
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  7. Lakeman
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    Lakeman Long term member

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    I wonder if age is related, I think from your posts you are both in your 30's, it seems to me that many of the regular Mansion writers are in their 40s or 50s, and may be at a different life stage where chastity fits better? But that's a guess, I can only talk for myself. I mentioned in another thread that my wife and I are in our early 50s, my wife is going through menopause and currently has zero interest in sex, and that for me, experimenting with chastity over the last year has helped in some ways deal with "the drought". I don't know for sure, but I suspect that chastity may not have had the same interest for me in my 30s as it does now.
     
  8. nvrsaynvr63
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    nvrsaynvr63 Long term member

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    I understand your fear completely. I had always been the dominant one in our relationship in all aspects, over time she wanted to explore her dominant side and we started switching. This ended up with us exploring Chastity. I have also found when I'm locked I feel much more sexually submissive, but not in other aspects of my life, they remain the same. There was a stretch when we were both crazy busy and I too felt neglected and thought "why am I wearing this thing". That was very eye opening for both of us, I don't need a whole lot of attention but I need something, even a brush against the cage to let me know she's still engaged with this.

    She really enjoys the control, I can tell by the huge smile on her face every time she locks me back up after play, in fact we were just talking about that this morning. We don't do any punishments or things like that, she does keep a tally in her head and "rewards me" based on that. I have no idea what she uses to keep that tally, I imagine just by the way I treat her. There's no question wearing the cage has changed me, our relationship is much better when I'm locked and I don't care that it's changed me. I also worried about this change, but she's the only one who sees it, it doesn't overlap into my everyday life so I'm fine with it.

    We have been at it over a year now out of our ten year relationship, we've had many ups and downs finding our way and with good communication it's working well for us. This is a two way street, she has learned to be a good keyholder to me that I need to feel she knows what I'm giving up and appreciates it, and she shows me she does. This has made all the difference in the world. We have a great and active sex life still and I don't feel "deprived" at all. Don't sell her short, I was really suriprised how mine became much more dominant with our sex life. I didn't think she had it in her, but she picked up on the fact if she wants to keep me locked, she has a major role to play in order for it to work and she keeps getting better at it....lol

    I wish you both the best and hope it works out for you.
     
  9. manintyres
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    manintyres Junior Member

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    Totally agree with @Jasmic68 and everything he said .
    You both are a real couple and like everyone else ,are human beings with real life feelings and emotions .
    You both know each other far better than any of us on here and you both obviously love each other so much ,which is so nice to see.

    Comunication is the key and please keep communicating with each other about how each of you is feeling about anything even small things .this lifestyle is a big change to the "norm" and it can be confusing for us in dealing with our "new feelings" or "new guilt" or our "new desires" but the best thing you both have is your love for each other and the fact you communicate.
    Please keep communicating and talking and i'm sure you will work out something so your both happy .
    Remember there is no "right or wrong" way to do this lifestyle , it's what makes you both happy that matters and nothing else .

    Beaming you both big hugs at this time because I know it can be hard and emotionaly confusing and draining for you both
     
  10. madbdsm
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    madbdsm Junior Member

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    Vinny you are a very wise man.
     
  11. DazedandConfused
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    DazedandConfused Active member

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    I think everyone gets to their limit and things have to take a turn at some point. My wife loves Chastity but she's not into hardly any of the bdsm things that I am. Over the last two years she has been playful but IMO she doesn't provide the level of dominance I feel I need to keep me in the cage all the time. I've brought up quitting chastity to her twice this year. One of the biggest problems is that we don't have very much time for each other and that makes Chastity depressing for me. We've talked about this and we're both making efforts to keep it alive but ultimately it's just not that fun for me anymore because I feel like my wife won't take the plunge into some really dominant acts that would keep me in the right headspace.

    As many on this thread have said, there are different paths we are all on and they're either going to split further or cross at some point and to make paths cross is up to us. I would like to dispel one way of thinking though that has irritated me for quite some time after hearing it over and over. ITS NOT ALL ABOUT WHAT SHE WANTS!!! Yes it's all about her being in charge, It's all about pampering her and making life as easy as possible for her, but these types relationships are about GIVE and TAKE not just give, give, give... I suppose if you are a TRUE submissive then you can live this way because letting your "mistress" have her way all the time plays into the true submissive's sexual appetite. You crave having no control and it turns you on.

    For example, mistress Lucy followers fall under this category. No matter what that girl said they ate it up. No matter how mean she was to other people, her followers proudly followed her because they like that type of abussive personality. So all in all mistresses and subs alike, don't feel disappointed if you are having lows with chastity. It may be that you need a break for a bit in order to revive the original love for Chastity and remember why it was fun in the first place.
     
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  12. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    I certainly know of some physical changes, and like you I had to inquire if she still wanted me to stay on this path. We were talking about how quick I got to the edge now and how when we first dated I could go for 45 min sometimes up to 3 times a night. Now I am lucky to last a minute inside her, and might need to stop several times. I said you know I don't last very long anymore, in her own words she said missing out on marathon sex with my penis was worth all the other things.

    Some physical urges have also changed that freak me out a little. The whole cum clean up thing has me associating orgasm with clean up. After awhile I find myself wanting it. Not exactly something I saw myself ever doing.

    Mentally I'm a lot more understanding and docile relationship wise, that too is something I had to ask about because, heck I seem to be a different person and I don't want her falling out of love with me because I am different now. Turns out that is exactly how she likes me so she's still on board. There are others I'm sure but you get my drift. I don't want her to suddenly not like who I am becoming. She has said she likes the new me even better. When we went through a little rough patch I wasn't feeling so subbie, but awhile later I texted her some things I usually do and she said "oh there you are, I missed you a lot".

    Embracing the changes, even when it freaks me out a little.
     
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  13. frankie teardrop
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    frankie teardrop Long term member

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    @DazedandConfused, in the interests of total accuracy, Mistress Lucy definitely does not have an abusive personality, nor is it respectful to call her 'girl'. She is a strong intelligent woman who very much understands the power of her mind and of her femininity. On the other hand, you are quite correct on one important detail: I proudly follow her and will continue to do so.
     
  14. manintyres
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    manintyres Junior Member

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  15. manintyres
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    manintyres Junior Member

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  16. Mactastic
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    Mactastic Long term member

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    Please feel free to ignore everything I am about to say. In fact don't read any of this... It's all garbage...

    Ok, So I read through both all of Thatgirl and Thatguyontheinternet's posts and summed up the main ideas into two tiny paragraphs.

    So @Thatgirl Said that this is the second time in a couple of months that @Thatguyontheinternet wanted to quit and she wasn't sure why. She makes rules, he brakes them, she works too hard in real life and comes home too tired to punish so she usually just forgets about it and goes to bed. Thatgirl wants this to be easy and for him to just follow the rules that he said he would follow so no punishment is necessary. He's making her feel like she is doing something wrong... Then they had PIV sex twice in one day....

    If Thatguyontheinternet communicates his desires then he's topping from the bottom and if he says nothing then he's not communicating and just wearing a device. He says he gets tease and denial, PIV sex, chastity and more but that's not the problem..... Uh? He says that he doesn't need a lot of attention, but some reminders while on his schedule that she's aware of his lockdown rather than just taking it off and having sex early when she is horny. Also she performs corporal punishment on him for non performance... Then he goes into, "is she tying to create a more docile, submissive Me?" and being scared that his new submissive desires will become permanent. Also he wants her to take a more dominant role, but is scared of what that means and of why he wants it.

    Here is my opinion.

    1. It appears Thatgirl enjoys her role as the Dominant and Keyholder, but like most women I know, she just wants her man to do what he said he was going to do. She thinks it's dumb that he brakes the rules just to see what she will do to him. Especially if she's had a long day. It also appears that she has agreed to chastity and playing sexy time games to make HIM happy even though she has grown to enjoy it, but there is a saying that you can't make people happy by giving them what they want. From their postings I can gather that she participates in:

    Allowing him to wear chastity on a schedule
    Corporal Punishment
    Tease and Denial
    PIV sex more often than he wants
    Pegging/prostate massage? Sometimes/not often enough for him?
    Having sex whether he wants it or not due to scheduled release date

    So Thatgirl, my hat is off to you... I know you don't do what he wants every time he wants, but at least you are trying. So good job.

    2. Thatguyontheinternet.... The phrase, "Be careful what you wish for", is often used on here. Now you are in a device and your woman is giving you everything you asked for (see the list above). You missed something vitally important though, being in a chastity Dom/sub relationship comes second to the health of the relationship first... Are you seriously going to complain about how she had sex with you before you were scheduled because she wanted the D??? Twice in one day??? Um, you are lucky that you have found a woman that participates with you at all!!!! Most women won't touch these subjects with a 10 foot pole. I want you to go back and read through your posts and count how many times you talked about what you want, then compare that number to how many times you talked about what she wants... Who are you trying to make happy? What would happen if you spent less time worrying about whether or not she is going to punish you or participate in some crazy BDSM fantasy, and more time trying to figure out how you can make her more comfortable after a long day of hard work. If you would stop telling her what to do, and just give her time to get comfortable you may be surprised by how much more effort she puts into this when she has time. Also you may want to discuss whether your goals in chastity are the same as hers. Communicate, but stop demanding so much. Make her comfortable in her role or you will be surprised how quickly she says she's tired of this too and stops playing with you. Oh yeah, and you said you don't know why she wants you to wear a cage... Have you ever thought that her only reason is to make you happy? I'm going to assume that you are the one who originally asked her (because I don't feel like going back to her first thread ever to find out), then odds are she wouldn't have ever asked you to do this. So what are her reasons? She has no reason to make you wear a cage.. You do... So ask her, and if i'm right don't be mad at her... Most likely it wasn't her idea to begin with, but she went along with it because... FUN. Do you want to create a reason in your mind that she has to have you in a cage? go ahead. It's still not her reason... It's yours...

    3. It looks like this message board is a good place to communicate your feelings since you apparently don't talk to each other in person enough.... Look I don't want you to think I'm judging, because you both are having a hell of a lot more action in this game than I do, but it appears to me that a conversation where Thatgirl sits down and is able to talk without being interrupted to say how she feels about her efforts and what she wants, will go a long way. As for Thatguyontheinternet, write down a list (not a paragraph of uncertainty about your feelings) of additional things you would like her to do to/with you (should she deem them fun) or for her to change how she is doing.

    4. If this stuff isn't fun then you are doing it wroing. Thatgirl obviously isn't having fun punishing Thatguyontheinternet so maybe some coaching is due from some more experienced women. Remember... If his punishment is work for you then you are doing it wrong. Also if he asked for it (like he probably suggested with spanking) then it's not punishment and you should do it randomly as you want as a reward. Yes I said reward! I always suggest non sexual punishments that only benefit the woman. For example. He makes dinner/cleans up/serves her first places his plate on the floor and has to eat with no utensils. Nose on the wall quietly in the other room with no shoes on and hands to his sides for the duration of one 30 minute TV show that she watches from the other room (this way he doesn't bother you to talk about when you are going to spank him during Ellen) He mops the floor by hand with hand towels on h is knees with no knee pads (tadaa now your floor is clean). Is he complaining about something? Then he doesn't have something to do... Laundry will fix that. Those clothes won't fold themselves. I think you are starting to get the idea... No he won't like it, but isn't that kind of the point? it's punishment right? Not "Sexy fun time spanking because you were a bad boy." Did he forget to take the trash out (on purpose) to see what you would do? After he does it, ask him to meet you in the bedroom to rub your feet. When his arms are sore and he's ready to be done he will probably say, "How is that? All done?" Switch feet and make him start over again from the beginning.

    If you read this, I hope it helped. If you disagree with something I said, I warned you not to read it to begin with!
     
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  17. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    @Thatguyontheinternet dont you dare share your doubts, feelings, or concerns here. Everything is lollipops and rainbows as long as you do as you're told.

    Before a cascade of people agree I was being sarcastic.

    Vent on you two, there are always people listening.
     
  18. Ikneelbeforeher
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    Ikneelbeforeher Active member

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    It sounds like you are getting everything you want, a lovely girlfriend, sex, oral sex both ways, chastity, punishments, but if one little detail is wrong you want to pack it all in and throw your toys out of the pram, very childish in my opinion.

    Maybe you should change your logo to this...

    a.jpg
     
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  19. Thatguyontheinternet
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    Thatguyontheinternet Owned by Thatgirl

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    She'd make mince meat out of me, I'm sure.
     
  20. spider203
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    spider203 Long term member

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    i
    I would be scared.
     
  21. Thatguyontheinternet
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    Thatguyontheinternet Owned by Thatgirl

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    Your points are good. But your central premise is incorrect. I did not ask for the cage. I know that is very rare. But its reality.

    Secondly, we communicate plenty. She made this post so we could bounce these things off of the only community we are part of that would have any concept of what we're mulling over here.

    I know it's very easy to rag on the male in this forum, in these situations. But if that's where your at, at least try not to make assumptions.

    Other points in your post are interesting.
     
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  22. Thatguyontheinternet
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    Thatguyontheinternet Owned by Thatgirl

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    How helpful.


    @Thatgirl - maybe we were wrong believing that we might find insight beyond the normal refrain about men getting what they asked for and solo practitioners were are understandably annoyed that someone as lucky as I am would dare complain about anything.


    How many times do you think we have to explain that I didn't ask for the cage? I didn't sheepishly bring it up to you after years of fantasizing. For Christ sake.

    Just a wee bit of insight from others living this is what we wanted. Thats all.

    Thank you to those who did give us some helpful thoughts.
     
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  23. Thatguyontheinternet
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    Thatguyontheinternet Owned by Thatgirl

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    Im not even sure half of them read the damned posts. It says clearly, in various places, that we have a blast no matter what, and always have. I was just questioning whether we needed the cage for that. Especially in the face of some of MY concerns... Yes. Im allowed to have them.
     
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  24. LadyS
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    LadyS Lover of LOVE

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    I have read through most of this.... and I myself am much like @Thatgirl.
    And I believe that I see a lot of similarities between that guy and Steve.
    We started becuase of masturating.
    I fell like a read somewhere that @Thatguyontheinternet also likes to masturbate a lot and that's why you locked him up?....(but what man doesn't)
    Also @Thatguyontheinternet I think you are incredibly childish.
    Breaking the rules just to prove you can....just becuase your woman doesn't want to enforce every time. Where is the respect? Steve try's that shit too...and I hate it.... it's like when I tell my two year old to not touch something and have him look at me and touch it just to say "fuck you mom".
    @Thatgirl do you want to go back to him watching that disgusting porn and masturbating alone?
    Let him break the rules in the end it's him with his dick locked up for being a dick.
     
    slave_m and Ikneelbeforeher like this.
  25. Thatgirl
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    Thatgirl Owner and Wife of Thatguyontheinternet.
    Verified Female

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    Can't post a lot as I am crazy busy at work, but no. i didn't lock him up for being a masturbation addict. Don't get me wrong, i hate that he does it - what woman doesn't? it ruins out self image and self esteem, creates insecurities when there shouldn't be any. I lock him up because it is fun, because i love the look of agony and wanting on his face when i am teasing him and his cock is restrained against hard plastic and PA pin.
     
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