Quitting Chastity?

Wish there was a "love " button for this

 

It may not be key for everyone, but it certainly is for me. And it sounds like for you also. I liken it to being a dog. I don't necessarily need to know the details, or even understand them. Just want to know someone is on the other end of the leash is all. Knowing that she's in control of the direction of this walk we're on is what allows me to stop trying to control it myself. Just like a dog who only walks well on the leash when he knows the person holding the lead has got it confidently covered. Its actually liberating and allows me to for once let go and see where all this submissive stuff is going to go. Without knowing that she's aware of whats going on with me and yes, is still expecting me to march along, it would be way too hard to let go of my natural desire to control things by knowing exactly what's on the other side of the bridge before I cross it.

But I don't know how you can proceed if she won't even talk to you about any of it anymore?

 

Fascinating exchanges, and thanks for the share. For @Thatgirl, you want your guy 100% on you no questions asked, but you want him to be a man. You also want it to be fun and you like the intersting, the different, the strange and that is awesome since most people can't get past societies norms. But ... you are are swamped and busy. Welcome to the adulting bullshit of life, but congratulations on keeping it happen most people succumb to bed ...

I would use some smartphone notepad or app or Google sheets/docs to keep track of his infractions. Track when he pisses you off or whenever he does something you love. But don't make it a chore .... When the time permits review it and punish effectivly.

Guys masturbate a lot ... Period. Some have more control then other but when compared to the majority of women it would amazes them and disgust them at the same time. We are just that biologically different ... But you are a GGG woman ... Rare ... He should realize that, so I think his punishment for the next year should be no masturbating for the next year, and it can be reviewed after it is done. If he does you can add it to the punishment list. It can be super simple. Time is added to the year, and even simpler time can be added and subtracted from the added to the time. Doesn't like spanking awesome ... Trade 1 day for 50 swats or some progressively higher amount 10 then 20 then 40 etc in some stepped fashion. It is punishment not funishment. Build a framework that works for you and that is simple.

@Thatguyontheinternet ... You are extremely lucky. As for submission, which you are fighting with that doesn't make you less of a man. Being a man means sticking to commitments, standing by your friends and family when the shit hits the fans. Holding her up when she collapses. Not how many time you nail her in your bed or how much you lift or how much you make.

She loves you and wants to have crazy sexy fun with you and only you ... Most folks on here in life only have that spark for a very short time, and here you have a woman actively kicking it up kink wise and sex wise.

Be the man I think she knows you are and fro.what I read I think you are. Do the hard for her .... Talk to her about out what she wants and how you can turn How she passes out at 10pm to still being awake at 945 pm and say hey baby time to peg you or time have sex or time for you to take your punishment and go to bed .

If you are willing, share here as it provides examples for guys who might not have the balls to talk to her and be committed.

Good luck to the both of you.

 

When my then partner and I first started having me wear a cage, we had been into it (well I was in it) for the first three months we set up the scheduled reviews, as some people recommend, it prevented the possibility of me whinning inbetween and we both felt we could talk more openly and either of us could bring up anything chastity related at the set time. They started off as every other day and as I got used to wearing it 24/7 the reviews got further apart.

It was during one of these chats that she asked me if I had anything I really wanted to bring up... I asked for a little more tease for me and to be able to ask her fr permission to do more for her. We discussed those a little and then I asked her if she wanted to bring anything up. We'd not been into TTTWD for long and she said rather than give me a fixed date between orgasms she wanted full control this turned me on a lot and scared me little too but I agreed straight away.

She thought it was time to step things up and wanted our next review date to be in 6 months and then annually. I agreed. Then she told me that she wanted me to ask her to deny me at her pleasure and I had to ask her to keep me controlled under lock and key at her whim. She also said I had to ask her to use what ever punishments she felt fit for transgressions or being annoying. She told me these four things were not up for discussion ..like it leave it. I was trying to be matter of fact about it but how do you when your partner first takes full control and you are sat there in just your cage. I asked what the fourth thing was and she told me in future I could ask for an orgasm or some time out of my cage whenever I wanted.

But if I did ask she'd take it off throw it away and never want anything to do with chastity play again. That was the day I knew I was committed to wanting to be locked and denied by and for someone I cared about.

But that's the deal breaker when your guys becomes annoying ..... shut up and do as I say or we stop altoghether.. and mean it... it did not so much affect me as make me very sure where I stood from then on.

 

I'm thinking about asking her if we can try again. If we do proceed this will have to be one of the things on my list that will have to be discussed. I can't simply set around and not knowing what the plan is. Or what is expected of me. Or how she wants things to go. If she could simply open up and discuss how she wants things to go, that might make things easier I guess.

I like the dog on the leash analogy though LOL. Very spot on! Reminded me of this picture.

 

Where there is good communications, problems and misunderstandings are limited.

 

As a result of last weekend's discussions, coupled in no small part with contributions from this thread, @Thatgirl and I got on a lot out into the open. We got onto the same page, and as a result have had a really, really great week.

I've been trying my best to do the things I know she wants me to do, and to behave the way I know she wants me to behave. I know she's noticed the difference and I can tell it's making her happy, which in turn makes me feel good. I just have to make a conscious effort to keep it up. She has mentioned that "training" me to be submissive in the ways she wants me to be will be on the forefront of her agenda for a while. I just have to try my best to trust her.

One of the more specific "policies" @Thatgirl created following this thread and the events of last weekend is that she will no longer stress herself about punishing me for my various infractions as they happen, but instead will keep a tally going for the week and will administer the consequences of my week's infractions all at once on the weekend. Of course she reserves the right to deal with me immediately if she feels like it as well.

Today is the first weekend following that new policy. @Thatgirl asked me to do an update post here, "pre-punishment". Presumably she'll want me to do another one after to say how I feel about it.

Right now all I am is genuinely nervous. I think she owes me like 30 smacks. Huge number for me. I am a big baby when it comes to paddling. I don't enjoy it, and normally I'd do everything I could to get out of it, but in the spirit of our renewed commitment I'm not doing that, because I know that for this to work there has to be real consequences for when I get out of line. She has to have something that I truly don't like to use as a tool to correct and train me, and I know it has to be done in strong enough fashion to be meaningful and stick with me for more than just a few minutes. So I understand the need and am trying to be good about it. This is the bad that comes with all the good, and it has to be just as real as the good stuff. I understand that now.

 

I'm making a concerted effort not to let my nervousness show as she's such a kind soul that despite me deserving every whack (and many more - trust me...) she would probably end up letting me out of it or going quite easy.

 

You're probably hoping she's reading this too . Look forward to hearing the after. A sound punishment always put's me in a highly submissive mood.

 

I have found that I have an odd reaction to punishment. Sometimes this has caused confusion with mistress. I laugh. In fact the harder she hits the more I laugh. This does not have the desired effect she is looking for.

I cannot help it, and it's not because of the strength of her swats. I don't want to make her feel that it doesn't have an effect, or that I'm laughing at her. It's just that I have a high threshold for pain. I have dug road out of my shoulder with a tweezer, pushed barbed hooks through my fingers, and received tons of beatings in bar fights, all without a whimper. Getting smacked on a bare ass with a wooden paddle hurts like crazy, but really, unless she started wailing on me, like quickly without a break... Bam bam bam etc...fast and hard, not giving me a chance to recover, I'm not sure if the punishment thing will really work for me.

 

The way I see it, if he wants to quit chastity, that means you're doing everything correctly. Chastity isn't supposed to be easy and it it needs to be "enforced" for a reason, especially since chastity wasn't his idea to begin with and he isn't naturally submissive. Like it or not though, he has to admit that chastity has made him an even better man to you than he probably thought was possible. You just have to stand strong, put your foot down, and enforce it as you best see fit.

 

There is nothing wrong with suspending activities during difficult periods of a relationship. It might help to look at chastity as an option in your relationship as opposed to an absolute.

 

Emotional imbalances are not good. Getting primed up for extremes or emotional connections that won't happen is a recipe for conflict. Sounds like you should mix-and-match different times for the device so that you and your woman are synced up about it.

 

That's pretty crazy. But you're lucky for it! I endured my fair share of battle scars but I've never been confused for someone able to endure pain stoically. If it hurts a lot, I want to make it stop. Either by getting the hell out of there or making sure whoever hit me doesn't get to do it again. That of course isn't an option here. Neither are.

I do wish I could take pain better. I have learned I definitely do NOT have a high tolerance for pain. Physically or temperamentally. And laughing isn't even on my reaction spectrum!

 

I like this comment because it feels very realistic and quite applicable - a good observation of our status.

The outlook I'm trying harder to keep is that if doing this all REALLY does make her happy, and is REALLY making me better for her, and in her eyes, then that alone keeps it feeling "worth it" when wherever else she's taking me at that moment in time might otherwise not feel that way. And I'm trying to appreciate those times for what they are a lot more too, and just let go and trust that she's got it covered. and it's been helping.

 

Just got my weekly and it's still stinging, but makes me instantly docile and attentive, so mission accomplished for her.

 

I hate to revive an 10+ week old thread, but today, in my never ending quest to be better at this, I came across something that I thought did a better job than I did at expressing the concerns I was feeling when this thread was posted. We had a lot of great feedback following this post. But we also had some of the usual, “he’s spoiled”, “he’s topping from the bottom” etc etc. which of course helped neither of us. Then too the tried and true, “whatever she wants to do is what’s right. It’s all about her” was tossed about. And there’s obviously legitimacy to that. So, although this thread helped us immeasurably, I nonetheless walked away thinking, “am I crazy for thinking that a Dom that doesn’t care about their own rules isn’t taking things serisouly?” Because the responses were fairly split on that score.

Though there’s no particular crisis currently - I’m not asking to be released and left free - I nonetheless wanted to post a portion of the aforementioned list, “The Submissive Owners Manual” I think it was taken from, that speaks to the issues raised. I’ve pasted the 6 points most relevant to the conversation we were having in this thread, and will link below to the list in its entirety.


I need to have clearly defined limits

• I need to know exactly what You expect of me and know that You also understand my limits. In some ways I am like a child that needs a fence around my play area so I know how far I can go and feel secure inside those limits. I need You to reinforce those fences by correcting me when I try to climb them without Your approval.

I need You to be consistent

• I need to know You mean what You say and that today’s rules will apply to tomorrow’s behavior. Nothing confuses me more than giving me mixed signals by allowing me to break rules that You’ve given me. From time to time I may test You to see if You are capable of accepting control of my life by consistently bringing me back to the path You’ve chosen for me. It’s not done to try Your patience, but is my way of finding reassurance You are paying attention to my progress. Very often it’s not done consciously and I promise I’ll not use it as a method for provoking Your negative responses.

I need to be corrected

• I need You to correct me when I make mistakes. Without Your correction, I will develop bad habits that can be very difficult to break and do great damage to our relationship and to us as individuals. Without Your correction, I may never know I’ve made a mistake. Allowing me to continue unchecked will only cause me to fail both of us in the end. I admire firmness in Your correction and feel secure in knowing that You will never be afraid to take steps needed in keeping me focused on the goals You’ve set for me.

I need to expand my limits

• I need to grow and to be challenged. Left on my own, I’ll become bored or stagnate within the boundaries I accepted in the beginning. I need to be pushed, but never shoved, to go beyond the places I’ve been. I may drag my feet and pout at times, or sit down and refuse to move because I’m unsure and need Your guidance in overcoming my obstacles. I depend on You for strength and encouragement to get beyond them.

I need You to teach me

• I need to learn, and it is You who are my teacher. My mind is hungry for new things and learning helps me to become all that I can be. This may require You to continue to learn new things in order to keep me challenged. Together we can grow to the fullness of the gifts we have and deepen the diversity we share.

I need goals

• Part of my make-up as a submissive makes me very goal-oriented. I need them to measure my progress and need You to provide them for me. Take time to explain those goals in ways I can comprehend Your plans concerning my growth as Your submissive. Without Your direction, I quickly become lost so I’ll look to You frequently to provide a purpose and aim as I continue in my development as a submissive.

I found the list here. Note that it does not appear to be original to the author of that piece either. And of course the sexes are all mixed up, and the roles. But the concepts are the same I think.

Curious what people think.

 

The funny thing is that all of those items are almost directly applicable to any kind of mentorship/management relationship. Remove any references to sexuality or submission and that could be an entry in a manager's handbook

 

Very true. And telling.

 

it is very true, though it's funny how I would not except those roles at work but need them at home if I am going to be submissive.

 

My immediate thought is you have given me a very interesting topic of conversation to have with Elle this Saturday. Her belief has been that we don't want to do all the bdsm stuff and use all the toys straight away as we would then have nothing new to do and would get bored. While that is true the opposite is also true, not enough new experiences and we would again get bored.

Expanding my limits is fairly easy as we have already identified that Elle's limits are currently narrower than my own, but a conversation we had this evening shows how this is beginning to shift.

 

I love this because it's about wanting to be better for your keyholder through your keyholder and not about manipulating your keyholder into granting a release. Thank you for sharing.

 

Funny you should comment today. When I was asking her about posting this, and we read back through the thread, I sent her a screenshot of your earlier comment as one of my favorites. She agreed.

 

I know that I am coming late to this thread, and much has already been said, but I would just like to add something that although it won't necessarily help, it is something that I just wanted to say.

It seems to me IMHO that in many, if not the majority, of cases of couples that practice some form of WLM, FLR that incorporates chastity play in some form or other, it is the man who has initiated it, and it is the man who has unrealistic expectations and who puts too much pressure on his partner. You could write a book about this subject, and many have, trying to make sense of and offer advice on how to go about creating the right conditions to achieve a harmonious and mutually satisfying FLR relationship.

The simple truth here is that it is the man who wants this, and by this I mean to feel controlled by a woman, to submit to and be totally under her control. Tease, denial, chastity, punishments etc etc are all simply ways in which, if subjected to in the right way by his partner, the man can feel all those submissive things that he craves. What the man wants however above all else, is to feel that his partner is enjoying herself and actively seeking to encourage his submission. How you can achieve this and in what ways your partner will express this to satisfy your needs, can only ever be a compromise, and may always I suspect fall short.

The biggest problem here, amongst so many faced by the couple trying to fulfil each others needs, is how and where a compromise can be found. Assuming that there exists a strong loving relationship in which to accommodate such an abnormal dynamic. I say abnormal only in the sense that being in a WLM or FLR is not or at least has not been a typical description of the male/female relationship in the past, and one in which many women seem to struggle with moving towards.

I'm pretty sure that there is not a simple answer here, but from my own experience, I would say is that you can go along way by giving your partner what she wants, attention, love, time etc etc, and then and only then she may go some way to giving you somethings that you may crave as a submissive. This however may not always be the case, as in most cases I suspect the man will always want more, certainly more then his partner maybe prepared to give.

What I started out wanting, and still do secretly, what has happened in reality, and what I would now settle for are quite along way apart. This is of course the compromise that I mentioned above, but after some ten years of trying to coerce my wife into a more FLR, and with 18 months of self imposed chastity play that she tolerates, I still find myself craving more attention, more acknowledge from her that she really wants this to, and in someway enjoys my submission. The thing is the she's never said "No" but she's never said "Yes". I don't have an answer.