Deep breath. And... relax. Here goes

Thank you. I follow your logic but decided to do it slightly differently as we're just starting out and I thought that providing a stark set of rules, even as a talking point, would be a bit scary. Also, I wanted to 'show my working' as it were, so he can see how I'm thinking. I'm hoping that he'll want to add things and make suggestions. Sal.

 

Tonight's the night! Wish me luck. I'm going to give him my go at the 'principles' when he gets home and then I hope we'll talk about them.

THANK YOU for the comments on the principles by the way - I made a few small changes here and there. One slightly bigger change was the bit about masculine and feminine, which he and I have talked about before and I know is a sensitive topic. I ended up with this:

I know there’s scary stuff online but I want to reassure you that’s not for us. This is not about making you more like a woman. I enjoy your masculinity. Locking you or leading you makes me feel I have control over a powerful animal on a leash. I am excited by that idea. I will want to feel your thrusts inside me. However, I do also want us to explore another side of your sexuality - sometimes you will be desperate to enter me, but I might suggest instead that we talk and stroke each other, or that you gently and deliciously slowly, pleasure me. And in time I would love you once in a while to share my experience - the engulfing thrill of being entered, of being vulnerable, of receiving rather than giving.

Anyway, I'm feeling ready and prepared but very jumpy. I've rehearsed some lines and I've got the cage all washed and an extra spare key! Fingers, toes, eyes, all crossed!!

Sal.

 

I'm nervous about tonight. Last minute bit of advice - I've posted a question about pre-empting the excuses I know he'll make for not being locked, even though I know he wants this. Grateful for any ideas! Sal.

 

Thank you - that feels like very sound advice. Sal

 

That's sweet of you to say. Sal

 

Yes - I tried to weave it in once or twice in the 'principles' and it's definitely one of the things I took on board from my friend. Sal

 

Thanks so much for this. I think it's going to be quite a while before we do any of this but I'll know what to try if we get to this. Sal

 

Hi friendly forum folks, MyPete and I had the big chat last night. It didn't go as planned (ever heard me say that before?) and it was difficult but we ended up very ok. I'm collecting my thoughts - I find writing the posts really helpful for that and will try to post something later. Love to all and thank you for the advice and support. Sal.

 

Forgive this long post. Getting this together has helped settle me.

I’d hoped that My Pete would be in his cage by now. I had the Big Discussion with him last night. Yet again, I’m afraid it didn’t go according to plan.

I gave him the principles I’d typed out, very similar to the ones I posted here but with the odd change that people here had suggested. I was trying to be calm when I handed over the paper and loved that he just quietly told me that whatever I’d written, he wouldn’t be offended or angry because we love each other, and nobody is forcing us to do anything. He went off with it and said he’d think about it in the shower.

When he came back, he just said we should give it a go! Oh gosh! I felt my tension melt away, but then he said there were just a few things that were worrying him. We went and sat on the sofa and I asked him to tell me what was on his mind.

Right off, he said he understood what I’d written about ‘receiving’ but said he didn’t want to be coerced into anal play. He said it’s just not something he’s comfortable with. I said that of course that’s ok but was he able to tell me why? He said, “Not now. Really. Not now. Please?” He seemed really tense, so I said, "Of course" But I asked if we could just talk about it another time maybe?” He just said, “Maybe”. I decided to leave it at that. I know him and there was no point in arguing. It would just create tension.

His second worry was that he would shrink! At first, I thought he was joking – but thank goodness I didn’t laugh. He was serious. He said he’d read that when it doesn’t get used inside a cage, it shrinks. I said that first of all, I’d never said anything about it not getting used, it’s just that it’ll be used differently. But I also admitted that I’ve read online about shrinking too, but most people seem to say that it doesn’t make any difference unless you’re in there for months. But I told him if he’s worried, he can measure it and if it shrinks, w'' just stop. And then, (which felt rather good), I said something like, “Actually, I’ll measure it - say every couple of weeks – after all, it’s meant to be ours, not just yours.” He laughed but I know his stomach would have flipped. I’ve never met a man who wasn’t fixated with size. Anyway, he said he'd let this go as long as there weren't any nasty physical effects. [Can I just ask lovely forum people, is the shrinkage thing real? I mean, really-real, not fantasy-real? I need honesty here, and sources! And if so, does it affect the flaccid length only, or the erect size? And that’s certainly a question I never thought I’d be asking! I might post this to another section of the forum too – I need to know!]

He asked me how long he would be wearing a cage for. I was prepared for that one and said that I couldn’t tell him because I would need to gauge his mood and mine. He said that his present cage was uncomfortable because it was too tight. I said that people recommend tighter because if he had one that’s big enough to start an erection it would apparently end up being more uncomfortable. However, I said he had mentioned this before so I said we’ll order one that’s just a little bit bigger, and then we can have a choice. I was surprised at just how relieved he was, as if he’d thought that would be a huge deal for me. Very puzzling. I doubt I'll care very much either way.

He asked that we don’t do anything that would cause either of us to permanently lose dignity in the eyes of each other or anyone else. That was easy to agree.

Then he asked me where I’d learned about all this. I told him from an online forum, and he wanted to be sure it was all confidential. I assured him of that, that all names changed, with nothing to identify us and he was ok about it. And then I'm afraid I completely put my foot in it. Instead of just keeping quiet, I said I’d also had a little confidential advice from someone I knew who used to be an occasional domme. As I was saying the words, I was just about realising that it was a massive mistake. He immediately said, “You asked someone you know???”, and then something like, “So now someone you know, knows about all this, and us”. I just felt sick and froze. I had indeed asked a friend, Laura [not her real name] and as I mentioned on a post here, she’d given me some sage advice. (Nothing explicit, but some useful psychology mainly about how to appear more confident and how to say things in such a way as to subtly alter his perception of me leading, together with some of her experience of how to reinforce pleasurable associations with other parts of his body.) And I knew she was very discreet.

And suddenly My Pete was practically shouting at me, “It wasn’t your friend Laura, was it??” He’s met Laura a few times, once when she and her husband had come over and the rest just saying hello as she and I were headed out together. Laura had once hinted at an interesting, domme-ish past and we had joked afterwards about it. Of course, he wouldn’t have forgotten that! He kept saying, “Laura, for goodness sake. She knows us both. They came here together. She’ll have told him.” There was a lot more of that. And I found myself just repeating that I was sorry. I said that I had needed someone I could ask and trust - a real person, not just in an online forum. I said that this was something in our lives that I wanted us to try but there was nobody I could properly talk to for advice. I said Laura had absolutely promised me that she would never say a word about it to another soul and I said she’s a lawyer and used to keeping things confidential. I also said I hadn’t gone into lots of detail, just that it was something we were thinking of playing with (which is true).

And then, and I’m not proud of this, especially on this forum where women are meant to be confident, but I cried a bit. No dramatic weeping and floods of tears but enough to mess with the mascara and make me wonder if I’m the right person for this. It was the tension, the realisation that I was wrong, had properly screwed up, and because I think at that moment, I just saw the whole thing unravelling. I’d lost his trust and he’d seen me crying when I was meant to be projecting confidence.

Then I just said exactly that to him, about losing trust and appearing weak and that maybe I wasn’t cut out for this. And he gave me this huge, long, long, hug. He said really calmly and quietly that he wanted to give this a go. He said to use the forum as much as I like but please, please be confidential and make Laura promise she must never say a word. This had to be secret. As for looking weak, he said that just because I was going to be in control sexually for a while (He said it! He said it!) didn’t mean I couldn’t allow my eyes to “water a bit” over something so big and emotional as going behind his back, being totally found out and being such a hopelessly bad liar. He gave me his cheesy grin, which I love.

And then we had another long hug and decided to get a takeaway. While were eating, I think we both realised this was a really big deal for us. I said in a jokey way, that it was funny to think that one of these days we might be sitting eating takeaway and he would be caged. He of course immediately asked when it would be and I said that I didn’t know, but I would know before he did. And that was it. I suggested that he should just try to forget about it until I decide that the time is right and that maybe we’ll both enjoy the anticipation. We carried on eating even though my stomach was upside down.

Now I need to decide when to lock him, I'm thinking perhaps for a day or so. He’s been caged before mostly for very short periods, and never in a way that’s handed all this control to me. But I just knew that last night didn’t feel right and I knew, and most people here have advised me, not to hurry.

I texted and emailed Laura and told her a bit of what had happened. She sympathised with me, but actually more with him and she sent me a reassuring email to show him, to say she hasn’t told her husband or anyone else, that she would never, ever tell a soul and never even acknowledge to him if they meet, that she knows anything. She wished me good luck and said that I could always ask for more help but only if I talk to him first! I showed her reply to My Pete and he thanked me for reassuring him. We cuddled and chatted, and he fell asleep. While I was listening to him sleeping, I had an enjoyable time trying to think of a moment to lock him up that will really work, because we’ll probably both remember it, but I didn’t think of anything very inspiring.

So, I have a cage, another one on its way and the man I love willing for me to take control (I said it!) over the most intimate part of him.

Thank you to everyone here for the support. Sal.

 

Thanks - maybe I shouldn't have asked about shrinking but it was a big deal for him and I don't want him to have irreversible effects either! Thanks for the advice about timing. After last night, I'd rather give us some time. It was quite emotional. Sal.