Deep breath. And... relax. Here goes

Thank you!! Re the butt plug, I was really just fantasising about that for the future. There's a lot of stages to go through before that (see my post no 27 above:
"I think the first hurdle is for him to get comfortable with inserting something small there, on his own. Then perhaps he'll let me do it - I think that's actually a huge step. Then he needs to be able to either enjoy it, or be neutral about it and see if I enjoy him doing it (I don't know yet). Then on to gentle prostate stuff -again him first, then me. But will he be able to enjoy it? Will I? I don't know but I would love us to be able to find out. Another person on here suggested joking about some things - just verbally - in order to seed the idea and get his reaction without scaring the horses, so to speak... " does that sound right?)

 

I guess you're probably right. I think he's just the usual male reluctant/embarrassed but I shall gently find out... Sal

 

My Pete is still away at his parents. Thank you again for the fantastic advice from people on this forum. I also managed to have a chat with a girlfriend who used to be a domme, or at least did that kind of thing occasionally. It was difficult to broach because she knows us both but she said discretion was in her DNA (she’s a lawyer!). I made it clear that chastity was something we were only just beginning to play with, alongside the possibility of me taking more of a lead with the sexual side of our relationship and asked her if she had any tips for getting both of us into the right mental headspace.

She had two suggestions I hadn’t come across before which I liked, and even found exciting. I'm sharing them here both because this is meant to be a diary of our journey but also because someone else might find them useful or they might spark even better ideas.

One was, that every now and again, when we're doing whatever sexual things we're doing anyway and when I'm letting him know that I like something, or want him to do something more, or less, or differently - the way lovers generally do, I should just quietly and occasionally and definitely without any fuss or special emphasis, add in, "... for me". eg "A little slower, for me?", "Please do that again for me", “I’d really like it you would xyz, for me”. (My dentist uses those words all the time, and my hairdresser too. It gives them a sort of natural authority and I find myself happy to follow along) And of course, when it eventually comes to it, I could say "would you just pop this on, for me?". When she suggested this would help to subtly alter his mindset, it seemed so obvious and I also found the thought of that kind of control very exciting. She said that it might alter my mindset too, helping me to relax into leading.

I said that I didn’t want to curb his masculinity at all, and didn't want to be cruel, and made it clear that I wanted to continue to have 'traditional' sex with him, but I wondered about being able to steer him (actually, us both) away from regarding 'traditional' sex and orgasm as the natural culmination of all our sexual activity. So, the second thing she suggested was gradually getting him (and me!) to associate some other things with intense pleasure, so that he’ll begin to find those, even on their own, more arousing than he does now. And then gradually we can concentrate more on those things and less on the traditional way of making him come. And she said the absolute best way to do this was when he was caged, or had just been released, so that he also associates the locking and unlocking with my pleasure, or his, or both.

So one activity can signify the other. The trick, she said, was to do this ideally every time he comes, but at least often enough to be reasonably consistent.

Ok, back to work. My Pete arrives back tomorrow evening.

Sal

 

Wish me luck! My Pete is back around 6 and I'll be home from work just after. Thank you to everyone for your advice this past week. xx Sal.

 

It’s great to be back together with MyPete after his week with his family.

So… very deep breath and a long post. I’ll cut straight to what's relevant for this forum. I think last night went well but it didn’t go as planned. I had thought he’d be in his cage today, but sadly not.

My plan for last night was to bring up the subject of our restaurant dinner when I'd refused him the key. (The 'restaurant moment')

Last night, after lots of chat about his parents and other people, we had started talking about what we might do this coming weekend and we thought we might see some friends and maybe go for a meal. And I, all of a sudden, with my heart missing beats, found myself trying to sound calm and saying just how excited I was that other time recently we ate out together and I looked him straight in the eyes and said, “I think you were excited too”. Honestly, my mouth went dry as I said it. I thought there was a good chance he might say that he never wanted me to do anything like that again.

There was a sort of tumbleweed moment, and I was just about to ask him how he'd felt about it since but then… he just dived straight in! He said I’d mentioned that I had felt really excited by using the cage when were out and he asked me to explain to him why I thought that was. He wasn’t upset or confrontational or anything but clearly curious. This wasn’t how I planned this conversation at all! I had imagined me leading it, not him.

I told him that I hadn’t expected to find that ‘key moment’ erotic. I had thought that it would just be a fun power kick but that while he’d been taking his time in the loo, I’d surprised myself and found myself very excited and aroused. He asked me why I thought that was. I said that I wasn’t absolutely sure but thought that it was the feeling of control over something very intimate about the person I love most. I tried to explain that it wasn’t about me getting all worked up about him peeing and having sit down while he did it, (although actually I do quite like that) but about being able to feel that the most private part of him was just for a moment, ‘ours’, or maybe even ‘mine’, rather than ‘his’. I told him that when we’d got home that night, I’d felt stronger and sexier than I could ever remember and that asking him to keep the cage on until the next morning was incredibly erotic for me. I told him that just for a moment, I felt that I literally held the key to an incredibly intimate part of him. I told him I hadn’t thought he would agree to being caged overnight but was thrilled when he said yes. I told him that I imagined him feeling all pent up and frustrated during the night, which made me all the more excited. And I also said how I’d felt taking the cage off him in the morning and how much I enjoyed how we made love, really slowly and tenderly because he was so sensitive and had a strained night.

So, then I asked him, “Erm, how was it for you?” I felt incredibly nervous about what he would say. He told me that when I’d refused him the key in the restaurant, he’d been very angry. He said it felt like a playground game that had got out of hand like when kids lock each other in cupboards and then misjudge when to let each other out until a parent comes along and it all ends in tears. But I reminded him he’d told me afterwards it had been exciting. He said that alongside his anger there was another feeling, of being totally out of control which made his stomach do flips. While he was in the cubicle poking around trying to get himself lined up with the hole so he could pee, he had thought of trying to extricate himself from the cage altogether. He’d done that once before when we’d been playing but it had hurt and taken a while. The device we have has a bit of design to discourage it, and his own particular anatomy makes it quite difficult, so he said he chose not to but mentally decided to get it off at home, using tools if necessary, if I didn’t unlock him straight away when we got back.

He told me that when he returned to our table, he’d seen just how excited I was (bad actress, me!) and he’d found that made him less angry and more excited himself. I asked him how that moment had felt, being excited but locked. I knew what he was going to say, because it’s something we’ve talked about before when we’ve played with the device. But I wanted to hear him say it. He said he’d felt the rush of seeing me excited but locked-up so tightly he couldn’t get even the beginning of an erection. He had found that both simultaneously upsetting but also thrilling. I asked him why and he said it was upsetting because he had felt emasculated, and thrilling because he felt a stomach churning edgy embarrassment and he felt excited about me wanting to have that sort of control over him. Oh my! My little heart was thumping away.

He said that on our way home, he’d been pleased that I’d found what had happened exciting. But he said that at that point he really didn’t know what to think. I remembered that he had asked for time to ‘process’.

Then there was the next time we were out with friends at the pub. I’d locked him again and he said it was, as last time, edgily exciting being out in the cage in public. The peeing thing happened again, but this time he was prepared for it. On our way home he said he’d again felt embarrassed and excited, but he was concerned at that point that I had a particular thing about stopping him having erections, or making him sit to pee, both which he found worrying and feminising. He said he’d felt aroused though by me telling him I’d been excited by knowing he was wearing the cage in public and feeling I had control over him.

He explained to me last night that, when we were on the way home that evening from our friends, given we’d both admitted to each other how excited we were, he’d just assumed I would take the lock off immediately we got back and we’d have sex. When I’d suggested waiting until the next morning, he said he felt disappointed but also just went along with it because he couldn’t be bothered arguing! Apparently, I had asked nicely, reassuring him how much I wanted him, (which was so true!), which helped.

Yesterday he confessed to me that during that night, while he was locked, he had felt very aroused and more desperate to come than he’d remembered being for a long time. Ordinarily, he said he would have masturbated (so, now I know that he sometimes masturbates right next to me while I’m asleep!! That doesn’t make me feel great - like I’m not satisfying him. And it feels a bit yucky too. I’m making a mental note to ask him more about that another time as he was clearly embarrassed about this, and so he should be!). But of course, with the cage on all night he said he could only tug it about a bit and play with his nipples. Tee hee. So, he had a rough night and was frantic in the morning.

Taking advice from someone else on this forum, in the morning when he was still hopelessly desperate, I changed into the nicest lingerie I could find and strutted about a bit and dangled the key. He told me last night that he found that exciting but he hadn’t liked the sensation of his erection being totally suppressed. But he said the moment when I eventually unlocked him was “incredible” and especially the moment immediately after, when I looked up at him, held his stare and smiled, was “unbelievably intense”. (And I found him telling me this yesterday to be a huge turn-on for me, as it is now.) Then, having removed the cage, we made love. It was fantastic for me. Incredibly slow and gentle, like waves washing over me and I completely forgot myself and sort of forgot him as well. But sadly, I found out yesterday that he’d been upset and embarrassed by our lovemaking!! He had had such a frustrating night that he was over-sensitive and felt he would come too easily. He had to move inside me really slowly and had to take breaks several times and he said that he could see I wasn’t enjoying it as much as usual! I wish I’d thought to say something to him at the time! I had thought it would have been obvious that I was in absolute Sally heaven! Men? Men!! What are you like???? Actually, I’d loved the slow pace and short breaks. He said he’d been thinking about all this a lot while he’d been away and had decided that playing with chastity felt like a bad idea. Last night, when he said that, it made me feel like this wonderful thrilling thing was about to slip away from me.

Of course, I immediately told him that actually the slow sex had been fantastic for me and I hoped that we can do it again like that, lots! I kept reassuring him and also said how it was a wonderful feeling for me to feel I had more control. And (huge deep breath), I admitted to him what I have only come to realise over the last few days on this forum and a conversation with my ex-dommy friend, and a lot of thought, that my locking him up I had changed the way his body responded to me and that I found that very, very exciting. That conversation last night led to a lovely, warm moment and cuddles and slow, mutual stroking in the dark.

So, we’re lying there in post-orgasmic calm last night and I said that I’d really like it if we could play some more with the cage because it seemed to bring out nice, exciting feelings in us both and made me feel like I have more control. He said he’d be prepared to, and would even quite like to (yay!) BUT we need to agree some rules first. I didn’t say anything but that wasn’t what I’d wanted to hear as it felt like him taking charge. I wanted to be leading this.

And then we chatted about other things and went to sleep. Him without the cage, obviously.

He’s off at work now and I’m at home this morning, writing this. Looking back on last night it didn’t go at all as planned but in some ways miles better than I’d expected. At least we’re talking now and thanks mainly to people on this forum, I think I’m feeling a lot clearer about what it is that I like and why. I plan to ask him about the rules, sorry - I plan to strongly suggest some rules to him in a couple of days. I thought I’d use the ground rules I posted here as a starting point. I don’t want to scare him. It needs to be slow but as my dommy friend said, I need to be a bit more assertive and trust that he’ll go along with it. But it’s a lot easier to be assertive when he’s not actually here!

I’m so grateful for all the helpful comments up to now. I wouldn’t have got to where we are now without them, or at least definitely not so quickly. All advice gratefully received!

Ok, shower time, then work. He’s out tonight and I’m working late.

Sal.

 

Thank you. These sound like wise words! I've especially got the message from you and others here about giving plenty of encouragement and reassurance!! I think I'll enjoy doing that, assuming we get that far...
Sal.

 

Thank you, that's such a sweet thing to say. I'm finding it difficult to balance needing to be pleasantly assertive, not lapsing into the usual female role, with listening and being gentle. Sal.