Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

why buy the pig when you can get the sausage for free? Eh!

 

I've reason a few forums people write about how "stealth submission" isn't a good idea: it puts the would-be dominant in an awkward position - assuming they even notice or understand what's going on, and there's a high chance that the submissive person isn't getting the reinforcement they imagined.

Every so often I hear about someone who'd acts like they'd prefer a lifestyle stealth-submissive: someone who will do what they want without the "dominant" actually having to meet them halfway.

I understand that for many people being "on" 24/7 just isn't feasible, but when it's obviously one-sided I have difficulty understanding how much a dynamic could be sustainable.

 

I am a very good sub. But, I can not serve if I am not respected. Being ignored or forgotten, is less than respectful.

 

I don't think you're being completely unreasonable, although I do think your post comes of in a way that makes you seem a bit of a jerk tbh.

Essentially this is a game (whether you be casual or hardcore) , and it only works if you are both playing.

 

You two certainly have went round and round this dilemma.

I can see how a wife might get used to the submission, but can equally see a wife not understanding the fuel that powers it...sub runs out of gas.

It’s funny, my wife now expects chastity. Would take it as a personal slight if I didn’t wear my device anymore. Her thinking...the only reason you would want to be unlocked is to use it without me or worse yet...with someone else. Which is pretty much true, I would totally go back to taking care of my own satisfaction whenever I felt the urge(by myself not with others). It’s hard to defend that. Especially when we’ve discussed how that changes my ability to put our relationship first.

As much as I know all this, am self aware of my limitations on my own, it would still be difficult to continue to submit without fuel in the tank.

Realistic compromise is what we’ve come up with and recommend. As much as she holds the power, if she enjoys the benefits, you have an equal share because you can stop it as well. So where does that leave us? It means a routine of dominance that she feels comfortable sticking with. Note that it may be quite less than what you fancy. This level is the bare minimum and what she is willing to do and enjoys doing. It then is up to you to accept this and hold up your end fulfill the actions that she adores. Note, this may be quite less than she fancies. That is the compromise, and as with all compromises, neither party is getting exactly what they want, but each is getting what they need.

If one of your big things is she doesn’t seem to punish you for infractions, you stew over her not taking the time to do this. Take it off the table. No sense getting mad over the same issue, no matter her feeling guilty and saying she will try harder...it’s obviously something she has a hard time following through on, so why set her up to fail? Make that activity an elective, given on her terms, which could be quite infrequent or nonexistent. I am sure there are some activities that you enjoy and enough to keep your tank full that she is perfectly willing to keep up on. Things that she is not only willing but enjoys. I can’t remember exactly I haven’t read your journal in some time. I’m sure there are some minor acts she doesn’t have a problem keeping up on. Supervised masterbation and clean up, one hard paddle in the morning, her being demanding and putting her feet up daily and telling you to rub them, etc.

Something she can actually stick to, so resentment doesn’t start, and giving up the expectations of grand routines for you. Nothing builds hard feelings like a perceived broken promise, so don’t let her keep promising what she can’t give. Ask for a promise she can.

Good luck buddy hope things get squared away.

 

praps She is just a bit fed up and got a mood and after a bit She migt have a chat to you and tell you things again.

 

Greetings,
It's been awhile since I have been on. But, it would seem to me, that slide the cage on lock it. I believe it is about her. My Princess has just jumped on board. Take it slow, she and you have time to adjust. I am approaching 30 days of chastity, locked and loaded. Princess is now in the expectation to lock the lock. She has to grow into who she is/ will be.

 

@PouchPantyLover - this is a tough situation.

I know a lot of people on CM don't see chastity and FLR as BDSM...define things as one will, the BDSM community is all about 1) negotiations and 2) consent. And those are elements that I believe should be in all relationships.

From what you've said, it sounds like you two need some serious boundary discussions, and some negotiations about what each other wants/needs. There are times that you're in the 'zone' and wanting this, but she's not consenting to her part in the game. And you've very clearly laid out a boundary, saying I won't consent to this play if you're not actually into it.

In the end, aren't we all doing this because it's fun? If it ain't fun, why do it?

Maybe it's not about 24/7, but about 'when we both feel like it' - how about creating a signal that indicates from one or the other that "I'd be interested in playing"? Then a secondary signal that says "Yes, I'm in" or "Can't right now"...For example, she waves her bottle at you, you know she wants to play. You can either prepare her fizzy water or say "I can't right now, I'm doing X" - and that's an indication to her that the game is on or not.

It does NOT reduce the legitimacy of the chastity if you're not 24/7, or in a cage for months at a time. Every person that plays this game, no matter how they play it, is a chastity player. No judgement.

 

I think it's really important that we submissives primarily offer the tools to get us to submit, rather than the submission itself.

 

That sentence is written in the passive voice. Are you setting the expectations and consequences, or her?

 

One thing I’ve noticed through your account, is that the dominance/service is hit or miss and that sometimes she does the things that you would have done or wanted her to tell you to do.

I can only speak from my personal experience with my partner, but she would hate having “everything” done for her or telling me to do everything. She loves a foot rub and isn’t shy about asking, but the rest she doesn’t want to ask, and some she would like to do herself. Simple stuff like clearing the table, fetching a soda, dishes, sometimes she’ll do them just cause she doesn’t want to feel like she doesn’t contribute, or wants to help because she’s nice. Yes she could definitely tell me to all of it all of the time, but she doesn’t want to. I’m sure you’re similar to me and do plenty already.

dominant role 24/7 would be just as hard as submissive... well maybe not JUST as hard lol but it could get to feel forced and awkward.

 

I don't know what this sentence means. What would you like her to do that's different?

 

There’s lots of interesting thoughts here and I don’t have much time to write. Just one quick thought, for what it’s worth, I make a distinction between service and submission. Service is something I do of my own volition with no expectation of response. I do it because I want to. It's about me. Submission is something I do because I've been directed to do it. I do it because she/they want me to. It’s about us. Being very clear with myself about whether I'm serving or subbing in any given situation helps me manage my expectations.

 

When she puts the tools in the cupboard, you stop submitting and push back to share and share alike.

Perhaps - having read your responses - you need to find a low key D/s mode for when she is not in the mood to be excitingly mean?

 

Maybe she is not sure herself.

 

Also, do you make it easy for her to tell you?

 

Average relationship is what 3 years
Average marriage maybe 10mor 20 depending on who is counting and in what country
either way
If you are not both getting what youwant out of your relationship
maybe its just time to move on.

A hard decision to make and sometimes harder to make happen but generally youdon't hear of thatmanypeople that truly regret ending their relationship even when the split was amicable

 

You could be describing my life. My wife loves the free milk!

She's dominant by nature, likes to be served, likes it to be about her (except when she's choosing to make it about someone else ). She finds introspection, intimacy and negotiation stressful--it's just easier for her when I do what she wants, minute by minute, without her having to pick her way around those tedious personal boundaries.

But she gives so little back.

We've been through the cycle several times in the past 10 years. After a few months or years of high-handed bossiness, I get pissed off and explain that I will not be taken for granted, and she can either learn to be a "normal" loving and respectful spouse, OR she takes us down the lifestyle F/m path. Either one, but "you don't get to treat me like a slave unless you are a committed and engaged dom."

She thinks about it, and chooses F/m. So we have the conversation...

"Do you really want me to obey you?" -- "Yes"
"Do you really want me to serve you?" -- "Oh, yes!"
"Do you understand that I can't do that in a vacuum? That I need to be in subspace and I need you to put me there, in a personal and hands-on way?" -- "I understand."
"Do you understand that you can't just lock me up and then ignore me?" -- "Yes"
"Do you understand that when we go down this path, it creates a profound change in my emotional state, and my motivations, and that I become extremely vulnerable?" -- "Yes" (with a big hug)
"Is it safe, this time, for me to do that, to let myself go? Do you promise not to abandon me (because that really fucks up my head)?" -- "I promise."

And every frikkin time, she abandons me! And I promise you, I work very hard to honestly submit and to put her first 24/7. But after a couple weeks, a month, I'm locked up, ignored, no interactions, as if the F/m discussion never happened. I coast for 2-4 weeks, doing meditation around acceptance and patience. But eventually my submission fades (which pisses her off!). Really fucks up my head!

The stupid part is that as far as I can tell, she's much happier when we are F/m. I mean, much happier. Like she was born to be obeyed.

Right now we are out. I don't feel even remotely submissive. She's being bossy and demanding, and we are kind of talking about trying again, but I'm jaded and skeptical.

But I know... if she came to me, looked me in the eyes and said "lock up, I really do prefer it when you are at my feet and obedient", I'd fold in a second.

 

Well said. Submission is as much of a gift as is her willingness to be dominant. It's a two way street that only you both together can navigate. Like marriage, if it is to be successful, you both will have to continuously work at it. Nothing worth having is free and this sort of crazy train will never drive itself.