True Story Request: Introducing Chastity to Vanilla Wife

This has been a great read with some inciteful posts.

I've been wanting to try chastity for quite a few years and have tried a few cages but never for any real serious length of time. However I'm now ready to take it to the next level and currently on day two of self imposed chastity; I'm giving it a week and then need to make the decisions to tell my wife and ask her to act as my KH.

My main concern is my wife and I have not been sexually active since our daughter was born 3 years ago and we don't really have a sexual closeness and worried she's going to not understand why I'm wanting to go in this direction and how it will benefit our relationship.

I have to get relief and masturbate 4-5 times a week and I want to see if chastity can bring back focus onto my wife and hopefully her sexual pleasure.

I've been very good at hiding my more "non-vanilla" side so she'll certainly ask about this side of me.

Be good to know how some of you others approached with your wives and partners.

 

Thanks for the update CJ - honestly, I think that sounds really encouraging and a load of progress TBH. I wouldn't give up hope yet

Perhaps another way forward is to park the cage and focus on the chastity (and maybe denial) first, see if she would be interested in playing with that.

Does she know about Locktober - it's going to be here very soon.

You don't even have to call it that to her - just explain that you'd like to spend the whole of next month focused on her happiness and pleasure in the bedroom, and you've heard that great sportsmen refrain from sex to focus their performance, and you'd like to try that.
Maybe not words exactly like this but you get the general idea.

At some point - if all is going OK - you could explain what 'Locktober' is and what honor chastity is, etc.

Hopefully she's just a bit put off by the cage aspect, maybe the chastity is some common ground and she'll see the benefits - if all goes well, things might move on in the direction you're hoping for.

Lots of advice on here if you're interested in exploring any ideas on this.

 

Welcome @For Her Eyes Only - you'll find a lot of good advice on this site, not just on this thread

I see you did post on the Intro forum and I'd definitely suggest posting the info above there and asking for some suggestions. Or create a new post in the main Chastity and Orgasm Denial board. I had a couple of thoughts but best they are posted in a separate thread so more people will see it.

 

From my reading on this forum and others, most men "approach their partners" in a super-overwhelming fashion, so my first advice to you is: DON'T DO THAT. Take your time. Be extra patient. Don't overwhelm her. If she puts up any sign that you're overwhelming her, back off. Give her extra time to think through things. etc.

This is bad. Not sure how you have even managed this. Have you and she talked about this at all? I mean, I gave my wife 6 weeks off from fucking when each of our kids were born, because that's the doctors' orders. But at 6 weeks and one day, I would have been out the door and never coming back. (I'm not suggesting that is the right response; just relating my state of mind at the time.)

So you may need more than just chastity to help things. You may need a marriage counselor to help you work through communication issues, for example.

But it sounds like you want to make the marriage work, which is wonderful. Great place to start. I won't jump to too many more conclusions without hearing from you, so hopefully you'll respond and give some more background on your situation.

 

I can’t 100% actually understand the full detail of your reveal, or maybe it’s that I’m missing a point, or the point was missed out… but did you actually express that you are unhappy with the current level of sexual activity within your relationship?

I know you said this:

Can I suggest something? I’m going to anyway. Do you think that you are fixating on chastity because it’s the absence of actually taking action?
Even now, you are mentally adopting chastity rather than entering the challenge of increasing your levels of intimacy towards her?
It’s like you continue to wait in between the moments.

 

I don’t have the answer to your situation. I will say this though, if I didn’t attempt to initiate anything sexual with my wife, we would probably have those moment maybe 3-4 times a year.
She doesn’t instinctively feel horny and act upon those feelings at any given moment.
I get rejected now. I get rejected a lot. That’s good, you know it’s way better than her accepting her “fate” and allowing my needs to succeed her own. If I didn’t try at all… how would she feel those 3-4 times a year? Would she try and instigate anything? I doubt it.
So I’m coming from the opposite side here, I’m someone with a high sex drive, I actively seek those moments. I’ve given my wife the courage to reject my advances.
My impression (and I could be wrong) is that you appear to your wife that you don’t want her. She probably feels rejected in a completely different way to how you feel when she says no. There are reasons why these times happen, but they are not to be dwelt upon. Don’t overthink it. You’re married and she wants to make you happy, you want to make her happy.
The questions I would ask myself in this moment would be this: is she happy with the effort I am putting in? Does it make her feel wanted? Is it worth her effort to move from once a month to within 20 days?
It sounds like she’s trying. The answer to those questions would give me impetus to pull up my trousers and show her how I feel.
Dont worry about her saying no, give her the opportunity to say yes. It doesn’t have to be an onslaught of sexual desires. I tickle to the back. A pat on her butt. A longing look as she cooks and a smile when she catches you… initiation of intimacy is easy. PIV is less important.

 

This is probably one of the top 10 most profound and relevant posts on this site. Well said!

Women are turned on by our desiring them. Ironically, though, we are turned on by their desire for our desire of them.

When these signals get crossed (historical trauma for example), either one start thinking through fear of rejection, not being good enough, guilt, shame, etc, which makes it super hard to act on the desire.

 

Your wife is a fiery minx! You guys just need to figure out how to decide to be on the same team.

 

Agreed, this is the goal.

They need to go back to basics of the relationship, retrospective on their own journey and get their poop together (in a good way).

She will likely forget you are wearing a cage in regular day to day life. And then it may get in the way when she's ready for sex. But could have fun teasing you with it on.

It will help with this, if you use it as a symbol and deterrent. Or go for a full PA to really help slow you down.

The more I explore FLR's, the more I am convinced that they are really different terms for a strong masculine/feminine relationship of two confident, mature people. Masculine and feminine already provide the drivers for what an FLR is, and when a couple explore and fully learn to express these it all just works anyhow. That said, each person has differing levels of masculine and feminine, so that needs to be explored and negotiated what each needs.

Lack of confidence and understanding also seem to skew how masculine or feminine someone thinks they are. And, as people age, women get more testosterone and men more estrogen, which will change how they show up and their priorities...great for an FLR because women tend to get more focused and goal oriented, and men more creative and playful.

If you replace "Chastity" with "Monopoly" or "Jenga" re-read your thinking. I agree with IB-Chaste...this is probably the actual issue:

"Do you think that you are fixating on chastity because it’s the absence of actually taking action?
Even now, you are mentally adopting chastity rather than entering the challenge of increasing your levels of intimacy towards her?
It’s like you continue to wait in between the moments."

 

Another way to think about it...your primary initial goal here is not to get your wife to have sex with you. It's to convince yourself you are worthy of sex and that as a result of that she will want to have sex with you...because, as IB-Chaste says "You’re married and she wants to make you happy, you want to make her happy." She wants to make you happy. She does! She has little voices of her mom and society in the back of her head telling her chastity is weird and all of that. But that just needs to evolve to your voice in the back of her head telling her how awesome she is for the things she does for you and how much you love to provide for her and make her safe. And once she feels safe with you as a partner, she can re-learn that these games are OK.

To get you hooked on Alison, start here (manually copy and paste and fix the URL):
https ://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ppg0YVbIw6I

And a good point made around minute 6.

 

Here's one of the best explanations for practicing chastity and orgasm control without saying anything about chastity that I've come across:

https:// www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdn66yWdmr4

This might be a good way to explain orgasm control and the actual underlying benefits and dynamic without saying anything kinky. Fully practical and explained concisely.

 

Have you listen to the podcast that Mrs mature metal recently posted up here on Chastity mansion anyways in that podcast she speaks about how her husband introduced the whole lifestyle to her and at first you know she says she's pretty vanilla and not into that many things etc but she goes to explain her story and how her husband introduced it and turns out it turned into a great business venture and how they make a living making custom chastity devices it was actually a pretty good pod cast

 

I assume this is the podcast?

https://player.fm/series/the-weekly...e-to-put-me-in-chastity-meet-mrs-mature-metal

 

Thanks for your detailed post CJ.

I think this has been one of the best posts on CM while I have been here.

My views very much align with your high level summary of common different kink relationship types between long-term partners that I've observed on here. There are obviously many more but two I can think of also;

3.5 - which is you have a partner that enjoys some kinks, but doesn't necessarily want to engage in the sort of kinks that you want (e.g. chastity/pegging/BDSM/etc.). That was certainly my experience with my ex-wife - the things I wanted were never going to happen with her, she made that very clear..

0 - The ones that would scare me. Women who introduced chastity and require it as part of their relationship, together with possibly a few other more advanced requirements that would be absolute hard limits for many others.

Just adding these because I thought they may help.


Regarding your motivations for a chastity relationship, it shows great emotional maturity to be reflective on the initial rejection and to look at what the motivations were for you proposing it AND to see the errors you possibly made.

I wonder if you were to tell your wife all this, how would she react?

Maybe there is a conversation about both your needs that can help move forwards with this. If you're able to show this level of emotional maturity with her - you must have a very loving and strong relationship and I sense somehow, there will a positive outcome for you both from the discussion.

I have two other comments/suggestions;

First, any chance you make chastity a fun game/challenge - especially with Locktober? You might have to get creative and suggest a gift/holiday if she can get you to have sex during October?
Locktober is primarily a fun game for most people who just dip the toe into chastity, I guess it is sort of like our 'outreach' month to the wider population.

Secondly, as we all know - sex starts hours (or days) before the act. You mention you have a good physical non-sexual relationship with your wife with hugs, hand holds, kisses, smiles and cuddles, etc. Maybe you try some seduction as part of this? Maybe your journey to chastity is ironically by making her want to have MORE sex with you at first?

I look forward to your next update and admire your pragmatism, best of luck.

 

Yes that's the pod cast. Sorry I didn't have time this morning to find it when I made the post.

 

No idea if your situation is similar to mine, but I no longer initiate sex. Ever. I never put any pressure on my wife, and none of my behavior is designed to get her to have sex with me.

And that has really helped her relax. She knows that I have zero expectations. Like, literally zero.

So when I'm rubbing her feet, I'm doing it either because she told me to, or because I know she likes it. Not because I want sex.

And when I'm cleaning the house, I'm doing it either because she told me to, or because I know she likes it. Not because I want sex.

And when I'm massaging her body, and eventually bringing her to an orgasm one way or another, I'm doing it either because she told me to, or because I know she likes it. Not because I want sex.

She often ends up wanting me to fuck her, and this sounds crazy to say, but I almost feel like I've failed at that point, because I wasn't doing any of those things to get anything for myself. (I love sex with her. I'm not avoiding it. I'd doing it 3x every day if she wanted that.) Anyhow, the point is that I kind of had to get to the point mentally where it really was not about what I wanted at all, before any of this started working for her. And until it started working for her, it didn't work for me either. And it took some frustration to get over that hump as well.

 

One thing I'm really trying to come to grips with (and it's taken me a long time) is that women often, by default, want to have the same kind of sex (sex urge animalistic driven need) like one day a month. That's the day our wives will tell us they want...no, need sex.

As you say "Given how we operate, she pretty much tells me when she wants sex. Again, I think this is something we could discuss. Does she like this? Does she want me to “force it out of her” on occasion or change up any of that?"

If left to her, she's likely going to tell you once a month. But, it is actually good for women to have sex much more often than that. And it's good for the relationship, and for you. Old adage, men need sex to feel love, women need love to have sex.

So the idea is to get her to want to have sex. Don't think of it as selfish sex driven by us, but our desire for her and to be connected with her. Feeling our desire will turn her on and likely put her in the mood for sex. It's not about pressuring or her feeling pressured into it. Her desire...to feel your desire, to make you happy because she knows by making you happy you have more energy to make her happy. And she is connected to you through it.

In chastity this is super fun because it does shift the focus to her pleasure and teases us. Builds up our focus and attention.

"I'm a big girl and have no problem telling you when I want sex." - this is a great comment. I'm also trying to learn this better. If I dance around things and try to 'buffer', temper or shield my desires from her or make assumptions about how she's going to react, it doesn't build her confidence nor empower her. Me coming straight at her (in a good way) forces her to respond, and this builds confidence. Having the opportunity to say no (or yes) to an assertive request is empowering.

 

I had seen something on the Net about male chastity and men wearing cages. I "Googled" it and found it very interesting. I read up about it and was curious about wearing a cage. So, I just brought up the subject and showed my Wife a few articles about it. Her response shocked me. We ordered my first cage about two minutes later. It couldn't get here quick enough. The minute it arrived here, it was on me. She had read up about MC and loved the idea. She got into T&D right away and my sex life changed over night. Five years later, I have gone 16 months without a orgasm and it doesn't look good for the near future. My Wife, now key holder couldn't be happier. In fact, this morning she had two great orgasms and a ass licking, got to give me 15 good whacks with her riding crop on my ass...She still tell me she wishes she had known about male chastity years ago and that if she had known how good she would have it, I would have been caged along time ago...
Just remember one thing...Better watch what you ask for...