Deep breath. And... relax. Here goes

Well, thank you @Open2njoy - I took your advice and asked MyPete for his suggestion for a suitable punishment that would let us put this episode behind us. While he didn't actually come up with anything there and then, to his credit, he said he'd been thinking about it. I know that's true because he's been super-solicitous and extremely apologetic the last few days. I suggested that he might write me a proper long and detailed apology in handwriting, and he agreed. I said that I wanted him to include at least a paragraph about how he thought I felt, and another about what the consequences ought to be, aside from having to write this essay. I made it clear that I wanted him to pay special attention to coming up with some things that wouldn't drag on for too long and would feel like proper punishments rather than 'funishments'. I also asked him for a written assurance that he wouldn't stray again, and that if he felt overwhelmed and thought that he might, then he needed to promise to tell me. I also asked him to include something about whether or not I'd have ever have found out if I hadn't walked in that evening. I said he needed to promise in writing that he would never contact Laura again without me knowing. We agreed on a deadline of tonight. I can already tell he's contrite, but when I suggested he include a section on how he thought I should punish Laura, he said he thought I'd hurt her enough already, both physically and mentally.

I found the conversation with Laura on Friday night much more difficult because I felt I wanted to be really angry with her. But I just wasn't. I explained to her that what made it especially difficult was that I had trusted her and she has been both a thoughtful sounding board and a real practical help in guiding the Project with My Pete. But she said all the right things - she didn't make excuses or claim it was my fault - even though I had introduced her into the situation. She said she'd taken a wrong turning and was really sorry. She said she had been feeling upset to the point of depressed by her own relationship but made it clear that she was telling me this to explain, not to justify. She said that being found out ('on the first and only occasion') was horrible in every way - when she saw the look on my face, and when she realised the effect it would have on my relationship with My Pete, and that she knew it was just wrong. I asked her what would have happened if I hadn't happened to have walked in? She said that she didn't know - they'd both felt guilty about it - her so much so that she said that she thought she wouldn't be physically able to enjoy it another time. I asked if she would have told me and she just said, 'no'. Honest, at least.

She said all this had been a real wake-up call for her - that if she hadn't had the problems in her own relationship, this wouldn't have happened. I asked her if she thought that My Pete's unfaithfulness was therefore a sign of a problem in my relationship with him. She just said that men are different, especially when they're desperate. And she said that I maybe had insufficient idea just how desperate I'd made him. But I said that it wasn't as if he was getting any release by doing what he did. He didn't get to come. She said, that was another thing that perhaps I hadn't realised - just how well I'd trained him to want to give pleasure'. [Reading around this site, that does appear to be a thing and I felt that really rang true].

I asked her what she was going to do about the wake-up call and she said she had already had a heart to heart with her partner (although not admitting what had gone on with MyPete) and that they were going to try to give it another go. (Odd - I always thought they were married but apparently not - not that it makes a whole lot of difference). They both felt they needed a 're-set'. I jokingly mentioned that maybe she should suggest chastity to him (the idea came from @Open2njoy) and she said it had occurred to her but she felt she couldn't broach the subject and that he'd never agree to it, and that it wasn't their 'dynamic'. (That made me think that part of MyPete's punishment could be to recommend the project and the cage to Laura's partner).

Then Laura said that when I'd hit her, it had really hurt and that she still had brusing under the make-up. I hadn't realised how hard I'd hit her (I play tennis) and I said (truthfully) that I was relieved I hadn't done any serious damage. She asked her, slightly jokingly, how that moment had been for me. I said, 'magnificent, powerful, cathartic' but absolutely bloody awful a moment later. But as I admitted this to her, I realised that I was still angry with her - although much less than before.

I said I wanted us to continue being friends and we laughed a bit as we both shook hands on it. I asked her to suggest something that she, or we, could do that would allow us to put this behind us as I was still a bit angry. She didn't suggest anything, so I asked her the same as I'd asked MyPete - to think about it and write down some suggestions. I also asked her to suggest what she thought would be a suitable punishement for MyPete too. She agreed. Deadline tonight, same as Pete. I asked her to promise me that she would never contact MyPete without me knowing.

My Pete is busy doing his homework over at his Mum's house (not because he was sent there by me but because there was some DIY task) and Laura has texted to say she'sonly half way through her essay and she has to prepare for work tomorrow so could she delay the deadline until Tuesday.

At least we're all thinking about this properly. The thing I'm most worried about now is getting my physical relationship with MyPete to feel properly ok again. I want to get the 'consequences' sorted before we put him back in the cage.

Sorry to witter on...

Sal x

 

He's gone to work and I'm on lates again. There was no sign of the essay last night (grrrr) but there it was on the kitchen table this morning. Seven A4 pages in his own clear, easy to read engineer's handwriting. The last page is a list of possible 'consequences'. The consequences were sort of what I expected. But those first six pages were a total surprise - really thoughtful and from the heart but amazingly well written too. There was stuff about his childhood, about us - a lot about us, about our project, about the joy and the scariness of feeling out of control, about his hang-ups which he sometimes wonders if I've underestimated (size, anything anal and especially, performance anxiety and... did I mention size and performance anxiety?). He wrote that he feels I've taken control of these almost always in a good way but just once or twice, when he's been feeling especially vulnerable - he's felt 'manipulated' and 'not quite himself'. He sometimes wonders whether I really find oral sex as exciting as I make out - in other words, whether I was faking it. (I never have with him, not once) He wrote that our project felt best for him when he could properly let go and allow me to lead us, but sometimes he felt he needed to rebel and everything had come together in a perfect storm a month ago. He said that Laura had wanted to talk about her relationship but all of a sudden her need not to be rejected matched his need to feel in control and his need for reassurance. And he said his hormones were going haywire.

He was honest about still finding Laura attractive - he said that the attraction may be partly because he's not in a relationship with her, doesn't love her, and there's no serious side at all. He said he thought this is why a lot of men, and maybe women too, have 'no-strings' affairs. But he went on to explain at length how sorry he was and included a long (and very accurate) section on how I must have felt. And he said the Laura fantasy had gone now.

He spent most of the essay describing how much he loves me, and why. It was completely beautiful and made me cry happy tears - I want to keep those pages forever. I won't quote them - they're too intimate and special.

His suggestions of 'consequences' were a lot less heartfelt - I felt he might have just googled 'straying husband punishments' and written up the list! There were things like caning, doing all the household chores for a week/month, no sexual activity for xx days (we've already done that), no watching TV at the weekend and having to wear my undies (not much of a punishment unless it wer ein pubic and that's never going to happen). The only one of those that is even worth thinking about is caning because it's quickly over and then we can move on, and it's not something that he'll secretly enjoy (I think) or that's part of our normal lives. But at the moment, I don't think he really needs any more punishment. I might just ask him to read his letter aloud to me, which he'll find mortifying, and leave it at that.

As for 'consequences' for Laura, he reiterated that she's been punished enough, physically and mentally. What My Pete hasn't understood though is that I feel I want to do something that will allow me to put this behind me and continue my friendship with her without feeling that there's unfinished business - it's not just about her. It'll be interesting to see what she suggests.

There was a lot to think about in his letter but on balance it was lovely and I'm feeling a lot sunnier.

Sal

 

I'm sorry about all these long posts. After being quiet for a month, I need this as therapy... And it's another quiet evening at work although it'll get hectic later.

My Pete has been desperate to know what I thought of his ‘submission’ (haha) but I told him I’d tell him tonight, after I’ve had a chance to read Laura’s essay, which arrived this afternoon. I’ve been in a much brighter mood since reading My Pete’s, but incredibly curious about what Laura would write. Hers was shorter and with such unintelligible handwriting, she should have been a doctor rather than a lawyer. But I liked what she wrote, a good three pages, which was very contrite and she was especially clear (and accurate) about how she thought I must have felt. She again explained why she thought it had happened, without excusing it. Her tone was more businesslike than My Pete’s but she did cover everything. She promised not to contact him, but she said she hoped that in time she and I at least might continue our friendship, which she had enjoyed very much (as have I) although she understood if I would not want that. She said she would miss the fun and naughty intimacy of the measurements and examinations but more than anything the chats she and I have had about everything and nothing in particular, especially now that I knew about the issues between her and her partner. She paid me lots of nice compliments, which made me think about how she’s really the only person nearby I have been able to talk to about the Project. Then, at the end, just as I had asked, there were a couple of pages of suggested 'consequences' for each of them.

On the section about consequences for her, she said the reason she had asked me how I’d felt when I slapped her was to find out whether ‘walloping’ her again might enable us to ‘draw a line under the episode’. She said there was a reason why parents used to smack their kids – as long as it was controlled and not in anger then it’s quickly over and done and dusted. From her wording, I think she was having a dig at me for slapping her in anger, which made me irritated as I read it. She said the greatest punishment of all would be banishment – just continuing to cut her off as I had done for the last month, which would make her sad, especially at a time when her home life was difficult. Otherwise, she didn’t have much to add – she said that knowing me as she does, she couldn’t think of much that would make me feel any better. I found myself wanting her to have come up with more of a list, I don’t know - shaving her head, making a large gift to a charity of my choice, sending me flowers every day for a month.

Her list of consequences for My Pete was longer and much more detailed. She explained this by saying that while I could always cut her out of my life, she hoped I wasn’t going to do that with My Pete, so any consequences mattered more. I know she’s right, but even so, I found it annoying that she spent so much more effort on thinking of consequences for him rather than her.

Again, she started off with caning as a possibility, but said it would have to be hard enough to hurt rather than be fun and she wasn’t sure I’d be prepared to do that. She suggested all the usual things – chores for a certain amount of time, no sexual activity (I thought to myself, ‘we’ve just done that’). She said there were punishments that she knew would be especially cruel for him, given his particular sensitivities. She mentioned that he would be super sensitive to anything to do with size (sigh… blokes) or performance, how long he lasts etc, so she advised being extremely careful about saying anything in anger that I might regret later because he’d remember it forever and it would be impossible to put that genie back in the bottle. I agree with that. She did write that at the last exam she’d noticed that he wasn’t quite filling the cage at the end and that the ring might come down a few millimetres too but suggested that now probably wouldn’t be the time to mention this. Then she said there were two other things she could think of, one was too gentle to be a punishment and would probably be fun for him, but it led to the other which really would be a punishment. She said it wasn’t very original but that every day for however many days, I should ask him to stand at the kitchen table, drop his trousers and masturbate while I watch. (This sounds too much like fun) If he can’t make himself come, he gets two days added on. Apparently this would be to prevent him taking care of business just beforehand). She said that was the fun bit but then when he finished, each time he would need to lick it up while I watch. I just know that I couldn’t make My Pete do that. I also don’t want either of us to associate sex with something at least one of us (him!) would find horrid. That one is a real no-go area for him. (By the way, I don’t intend any criticism of people who are into this – I just know that it would be dreadful for My Pete. I don’t mind it myself, although ideally from a willy, not a table!)

Laura had one other idea, which she said she wanted to voice although she wasn’t sure about it and might be a step too far. She asked whether I might ask My Pete to talk to her partner about chastity. She said that at the moment, he knows absolutely nothing. She said it would need to be without him finding out about what she’d been doing with us, and (grrr) what she’d done with My Pete. She said she wanted to bring it up with him but wanted to offer someone for him to speak to. She said again she didn’t necessarily think this was a good idea but wanted to voice it.

Laura finished with some more kind words and apologies but I still feel annoyed with her – not angry like I was, but not quite ready to move on.

I just typed all this in my break and as I was packing up, I knocked my tea all over the table. Running around with serviettes, I suddenly knew what I wanted to do. An actual moment of clarity!

I don’t want to punish my Pete any more. (You're right, I think, @BarbCD) I just want us to move on. I don’t want to tell him about Laura’s essay. I want him to read me his beautiful one and then I’ll tell him I’ve been thinking about consequences – (to scare him, I might mention the come-licking possibility!) - but have decided that if he’s willing, we should just get back to normal. Then, assuming he agrees, I’ll ask him to bring the cage.

And I’ve decided I want Laura to do the same – definitely not with My Pete anywhere around. I want her to come round and read me her essay – the main bit, not all the stuff about consequences. And, I know I need to sleep on this, but I think I want to do to her what she suggested for MyPete – I want to wallop her really hard. I want to hurt her but not damage her. Then I want to see how I feel after that. I don't know what I think about My Pete talking to her partner - I think the confidentiality thing might be the biggest barrier.

Right. A plan, sort of. Back to work.

Sal

 

I've taken the evening off tonight. We're going to a pub/restaurant where I will ask him to read me his letter. I hope it's not too noisy there - or too quiet! I'm feeling pretty confident about that - there's already a good vibe between us, although I can tell he's nervous. And Laura is coming over tomorrow evening when My Pete will be away at his Mum's. She's going to read to me too, and if I can get up the courage, I'll do the punishment thing and that will be that. I'm much less confident about tomorrow. Sal