An uphill struggle

And a sex positive/kink friendly counsellor at that.

 

Well said. Very well written.

 

You’re not. You just have a need she doesn’t understand.
I’ve been there.

Just reiterate that you love and desire her alone and that the cage was just to keep you focused on her. Leave it off until that changes.

Tell her that you will use honour system instead. She will like that.

 

This is interesting.

from my understanding you added chastity into your own life to improve you intimacy with your wife…

This appears to have worked.

Now, how do you make her understand that part of that success was down to your chaste lifestyle and desire to be the best for her? Whilst allowing her to be comfortable to not keep you caged at all? That’s it’s just for you?

How do you get that equilibrium?

I do think, as much as it’s made a mess of things so far, sex (at least attempted) twice in two weeks has been a success!
Chastity allowing you to discuss what you did, has it now served it’s purpose?

Something else:

Why would you feel awkward? This confused me a little. Is there something that’s stopping you feeling comfortable with your wife? Is she picking up on that, and that’s why your intimacy has dwindled previously?

 

Sorry to hear this. It's so hard when you think you're trying to do the right thing and it doesn't work. As you know, you need to talk to her about why you think the cage helps you and is good for your marital intimacy, that you're doing it for her not against her. I know, easier said than done, but it needs to get done.

 

What article did you share with her?

 

Positive steps. Any communication, even if not initially reciprocated is good, like you say she may need time to process.

If she’s into science etc, I like this article:
https://cuttothechaste.net/tag/dopamine/
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not conclusively scientific and there’s way more factors than this. But it’s a good idea to have in ones head.

What are her thoughts on masturbation? The article you showed her was pretty clear that masturbation/porn are a normality within the day to day male life.
I don’t want to say it’s a good “in” with regards to chastity, but if it’s a genuine reason you want to stop, it might be the angle you could approach with. Conserving your sexual energy for her.

My wife has her ups and downs with regards to chastity, denial, keyholding… well everything. One thing she is clear on, and the fundamental factor why chastity will remain in our relationship: she does not want me to pleasure myself alone!
I don’t want that either, and actually as conversations go, telling her how frequently I masturbate and the follow up questions regarding that (how often, when, what porn, why etc etc) was the hardest one to have.

She may have some concerns regarding cages so you should probably research your own answers and have them in your head for when she asks. The biggest thing you want to consider is how this can be incorporated without impacting your day to day life or any sexual activity she may want to undertake. The simplest, but maybe hardest to get buy into, is for her to hold your key.
As soon as that happens her views may change from a weird thing you do, to sensing the power she holds.

The difference in my wife just from changing the location of her key from a lockbox to around her neck has been dramatic. It’s given her a new verve for this life.

 

Such a sweet talker

 

I really don’t get why she hates the cage so much - what’s the big deal? It’s on your body, not hers.

 

Now I’m curious. Is this a positive result for yourself? Knowing that she will put your ‘needs’ first to avoid the cage? Or is it your preference that she would keep you denied so that you can bask in the hormonal goodness?

Exactly! I’m sure @hopefulhubby wouldnt get all prissy if his wife decided she was going to modify her body. Nipple and clit piercings. No he’d be happy for her. Double standards .

It does make me wonder though, why style of cage are you wearing? As I agree that a CB cage is a horrible contraption!

 

Good point - maybe it’s just ugly? My husband has a few different ones and I like the look of one of them much better than the others - it looks more like body adornment like jewelry almost.

 

Theres a guy who i work with in his late 50's who hasn't had sex in 6 years, he hates his wife and pretty sure she hates him.
They both stay together because they dont want to be alone later in life.

I know your suituation seems hard but at least you and your wife actually like each other.

 

I hope I am wrong in my interpretation here, but I do not like reading this at all. As you know, I haven’t brought any of this chastity stuff up with my wife, but after reading your post above, I would say there is an 85% chance that my wife’s reaction would be the same. This is similar to “hysterical mating” which is where a woman believes she is going to lose her man so she tries to keep him from leaving by throwing herself at him sexually in an excessive way – even though she doesn’t want sex at all. Your wife is now sacrificing herself sexually to keep you from wearing the cage. Sex is now the lesser of two evils for her. She doesn’t really want sex with you, at least not more than a few times a year. But she is going to be a martyr to save you from having to wear the cage and because your article has made her feel guilty.

She has interpreted the CuttotheChaste article you sent her as saying that your desire to wear a cage is her fault. If only her libido was not so low, then you would not have to do this weird thing like put a cage on your cock. This perversion is all her fault so she will buck up and give you the sex you need for your higher libido to prevent you from having to do something perverted. Except, deep down she doesn’t really think it's her fault, but she is going to make you feel like she is sacrificing herself for you because you have put her into this awkward position and she is going to make sure you appreciate her sacrifice that she is making for your overly horny dick.

None of this is good for you, for her or for your marriage. Ironically, what she is doing is completely the opposite of what you want her to do, so you are now in an even worse position. You want to be denied and she has interpreted all of this as meaning she isn’t putting out enough, so she will try to fix that by giving you more regular sex. There is nothing worse than duty sex! This will only last a week or two and then it will fizzle and she will stop and she will pretend like it never happened and you won’t talk about it again, and you will be more depressed than you were beforehand about all of this. This is not going in the right direction.

The only advice I can think of is to try to communicate the shit out of this problem at this point. I will caveat that my sexual communication skills are zero, so take my advice with a grain of salt. But you need her to understand what she wants out of your sexual/intimate relationship. You need her to understand that your desire for the cage is not going to be fixed by more frequent duty sex (careful with that term as she will deny it and be offended by it). I don't know what the best end result should look like for you, but you need to think that out beforehand. The dream would be for her to reset her mind and change her view on chastity cages, but I honestly don't know if that is going to happen. But you are at a critical point so you might as well go all in with communicating at this point.

 

I agree with 90% of what @ChasteJase says, except this:

I think he’s right in that she is now doing it for the wrong reasons, what I do think however that you are still making positive steps:

Firstly, and most importantly, she now understands that your sex life is important. She wants to fix this too.

Secondly, you have opened the door. The first step to allow her to enjoy sex with you (and you her without feeling uncomfortable) is to actually be intimate.

You can use the ground you have made to improve the situation in a much better way than both parties ignoring the problem.
I think now is the time to communicate about how you can both enjoy a sex life with a happy medium. The answer is simple: Karazza!

 

To @IB-Chaste's point - I agree that motion is better than stagnation. The point is that you need to utilize the momentum now. I would say that when it comes to any sexual conversations with my wife in the last year, the genesis of all of them was from a negative starting point but from those negative starting points we saw positive momentum and direction. I have failed in not moving the ball further and taking advantage of that communication momentum. But it goes to show that any communication about sex is better than no communication. (one of these days I will learn to follow my own advice).

I totally understand your last comment of: "I could ask her but this would likely upset her and push her away again." It does make good sense to see where things go next. That one instance of "Right, let's get this done." (so British by the way, I love it) may have been a one-and-done instance versus the start of a new routine (I likely was self-projecting and seeing more negativity in your situation at first). It's a good idea to get more data points first.

I also agree that Karazza is worth looking into. @knightly gets a $10 gift card for everyone he refers to https://devotionalsex.com/n/index.html so I will beat him to it and suggest you look at that too. It's something I have considered starting with instead of cage play.