An uphill struggle

I think your post needed a trigger warning! LOL

 

Can you ask her to teach you how to do them to her standards? I lot of people feel like that’s a waste of time but I think it’s unfair to the person who wants to help to assume they are incapable of learning. I hope she will be patient and kind enough to teach and correct you.

 

This may be off topic somewhat in what you are asking from your wife…. But it seems a little relevant.

My wife used to have those moods with me (pre-chastity) when I tried to help, or even help inadequately. It caused a bit of friction between us. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been good at helping, she tells me as much, but it was like she just took her frustrations at the tasks out towards me just because I was in the vicinity. She was already in a mood because of the amount of pressure she was feeling from the amount of work she had to do. I didn’t actually realise how much she did until I almost took over 100% of the domestic duties. It is too much for one person.

Other than showing empathy towards the situation, how is this relevant?
Well, one thing I explained to my wife, and it was completely true, was how I felt about helping and the corresponding scoldings I received for doing so. Obviously, it’s a subject to broach carefully as “why do you always have a go at me?” or “your so moody when I help” are things that should not be said, but the negative attitude actually turned me on a little and helped motivate me whilst she had me under lock and key. It tapped into my submissiveness. The way I felt about helping her domestically changed, it suddenly became a little kinky and kinda sexy… without her ever having to touch or discuss my penis! Who knew? It’s crazy.

I don’t know what you exactly want from chastity or if an “FLR” is something you’re after… I say that term loosely as chasing an FLR is ridiculous, finding a balance of power that works in your relationship is really the end goal… I also don’t know your wife or how you two interact, but in this little change of mindset (not my horny, I’m doing tasks while not wanking, but hers) and seeing me trying to help, well that put an emphasis on her to also reciprocate in her efforts. For me, my rewards were sexual, but it’s not necessarily for that, it’s about creating time where you can enjoy each other’s presence.

I don’t know if this is helpful, or just one of my brain farts that could be helpful… or in fact disregard it, but if there’s any parts of it that resonate with you it might be worth a discussion. The 10 minutes it may take her to write a list of things you can’t do to help, or the 10 minutes it takes her to show you what she wants from you; they will pay dividends 100 fold in return.

A “FLR” works as it takes away the friction, there’s a slight pressure on one party to control the situation, but I liken it to having two bosses at work: it doesn’t work. There’s two many different agendas. It only works when you’re pulling in the same direction… and that can only occur when one party takes the lead.

 

She may actually prefer to have you help her than do them alone! My wife loves it when we work on projects & tasks together!

 

So it sounds like she might be leaning towards allowing you to pleasure her without reciprocation!

 

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podca...-and-sex-therapy/id1083324677?i=1000617207701

I listened to this podcast this morning and heard some good tips on how to communicate your desires to your spouse. I think there is some great advice here related to this thread.

 

Almost a cruel irony to this…
If she wanted to keep you locked and control you sexually, ie. In a cage. She would be the perfect fantasy keyholder!
If she was into whips, chains and bdsm she’d almost be too much for most men to handle.

 

So what were the things you did when you first met your wife that attracted her to you? I know you've been together a long time and have had some depression that really flattened things out for you and turned her off. It sounds like you do have an uphill battle. It's going to take a lot of concerted effort to soften her heart towards you.

 

After reading this and another earlier post, I was thrown for a bit of a loop on your situation. I was thinking your wife was like mine, but now I don't see that. I agree that she could make a very good D to your s if that is what she wanted, but I think you need to figure out what is going on with her. Has she always been this way or did she evolve to where she is now? The reason I ask is because she seems very controlling in a bit of an annoyed way.

That could be for a few reasons:
1) she has lost respect for you as a man and a husband and feels like your mother (if this is the problem you need to fix you first and get to a masculine state where she can respect you and you can turn her natural inclinations of control into something good for you both). I know nothing about you but do you feel like you have your shit together? Are you providing? Getting fit? Working on yourself? Competently taking care of housework?
2) she is having medical issues that she isn't sharing or doesn't know about and it is making her cranky and tired and you are getting the brunt of that. (this happens more than you would think).
3) she is content in life and just reached a point where she is confident enough to know what she wants and not afraid to tell you and as long as you stay in line, everyone is happy. This wouldn't work for a lot of people but given you have some submissive inclinations, this could be a good situation for you as long as you fall in line. In this situation, you may need to experiment with doubling down on her demands and commands and see where that gets you. If she says cut your hair, do it right away without talking back. If she says shave your face, same thing. etc. However, this is probably the least likely reason for her demeanor (but it is a possibility).

If the problem is that she is just generally annoyed with you, you need to figure that out and address that. Your submissive compliance to her wishes may need to be to "man up." Again, I don't know your situation, so I am not passing judgment but simply making an armchair diagnosis from what you have written.

 

I like a lot of Jase comments here. Lots to think over.

Whereas I see a lot of my wife in yours… equal measures of frustration, stubbornness and set in her ways.
The only way to break the cycle is by some miracle to get her to see it’s better if you do it another way…

The great thing about that is, that’s once she opens up to one thing, it could create a ripple effect and open up so many doors. Honesty, since my wife let her walks down and decided quite candidly decided to be more open I would believe if the opportunity arose we’d even venture into a more open relationship (she would never seek it, but would go with the flow on it.). That’s just one extreme, but the experimentation has been quite extraordinary.

This made me think of another thread I read, the basic principle of someone’s comment was this:
‘Women will want what they can’t have’ and ‘the routine will develop whereby they don’t make the effort’. It was completely off subject, cuckholding I believe. But the principle seemed sound.
Never went down this route myself, but try making yourself someone who doesn’t need her. Make her feel a little uncomfortable in her situation, and without being cruel, make her feel like she should make an effort. In your actions to be better, not actually insinuating she needs to.

 

I

I 100% agree with this. I have a couple of friends who I think would really benefit from being in a flr because they’re entirely frustrated at what they perceive as lazy and useless husbands (whom still have great quantities and they love and would never leave). They are forever complaining about how they ask them to do things and express their desires for them to exercise or pay the damn bills and the guy just says “yes, I will” but then never follows through. But when I suggest they look into flr they reply that they don’t WANT to have to make all the decisions. That they already feel burdened by that and they don’t want to do anything that would put more pressure on them to do so. They just want their guy to HAVE AN OPINION for god’s sake, to TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY for figuring stuff out, to just do what they say they will do. This seems like more in line with @hopefulhubby situation. The wife loves them but is entirely frustrated. The idea of having to do anything else for their husbands, especially if it involves sexually satisfying for them, is a non-starter. In one of the cases she is 100% no longer sexually attracted to him because he makes no effort to exercise (which she does all the time) and so is chunky, but I think it’s also wrapped up with his (seeming inability) to make an effort to take care of his body/be attractive for her. Both these men with do anything for their wives, but apparently not the things that matter most.
All the things that @ChasteJase is saying (“have your shit together? Are you providing? Getting fit? Working on yourself? Competently taking care of housework?”) are things I’ve specifically heard them complain about (both women are currently the primary breadwinners as well).

 

Ok, well, now I’m totally confused. Your wife is a mystery. If you could find a way to know what she’s saying to her friends or her mother that would be really helpful. But I know that’s not your situation.

 

Actually, now that I think about it - they also do those things to their husbands - tell them what to do because it’s better for them, and are dissatisfied with what they do when they do try to help. So, I do stand by what I said .

 

LOL. That was my reaction too!

 

It could just be that she is inclined to be negative when minor pressures arise, but generally she’s quite happy with how things are. She just doesn’t know how to portray it that way.
She doesn’t want to go down a chastity route because ‘why should things change’ like ‘what’s the problem here?’
She’s comfortable.

 

Another approach to an FLR is that HE begin to attune to her needs, anticipate what needs to be done, and what decisions need to be made.

My wife and I recently watched Sex, Love and Goop (Netflix show, which I recommended to ChasteJase) and both very much related to Felicitas and Rama, a couple who had grown into this dynamic. It takes two to create any particular relationship dynamic. The mommy/son thing likely runs deep and both participants in the couple contribute to it. She becomes controlling because he's not doing what she needs support on. This drives him into doing everything to try to please her. She loses trust and respect in him, which pushes him further from his masculine "take charge and get stuff done" dominant side that she needs to feel safe and 'contained' in his masculine presence. Both need to realize what they are doing, develop some tools and new mindset (like literally stop calling each other mom and dad because it's become habit with the kids). And other exercises to get in their bodies, bring the resistance down, create an environment for him to step into his masculinity and take charge.

Another way to look at it is that she takes on more of her masculinity and he is falling more into his femininity because his confidence is rattled. It becomes a habit and both partners identify with themselves by their behaviors.

It's well worth a watch. This plays out in the first 2 (of 6) episodes), I'd love to compare notes if anyone watches it.

The first step with any of this is to recognize the pattern, self realization (oh shit, this is us), then lovingly but firmly navigate a path out of it. The show is GREAT to show a couple that we have so few relationship skills and don't know how to communicate, improve ourselves, take ownership, etc. And give some high level ideas to explore on how to address issues like trauma, the mommy/daddy dynamic, understanding each others erotic styles, body image, shame, etc. All of these contribute to the dynamics we play out day to day.