I have long had fantasies of being cucked, SPH and generally being submissive for longer than I can remember. I remember in the changing room always being the smallest by quite some margin. My wife naturally took charge or I allowed her to quite soon into our dating and our relationship has evolved more and more over time. She is totally sexually dominant and dictates what, when and how. With plenty of findom, soft femdom and a bit of chastity thrown in the mix. I get so ludicrously horny and totally enraged with horniness and she loves it. Outside of play time I masturbate too often but thinking about what we did/what she said/how powerless I am. The problem is after we have finished that game, and I look at my credit card bill, clean up my panties and put my cage away, I feel totally ashamed. Embarrassed and emasculated but not in a sexy way. Like I could throw it all away even though it turns me on so much. I love submitting and yet I want nothing to do with it. Where do I go from here and please don't tell me not to orgasm as that's not an option I will consider. Thanks all
I mean it sounds like you have a lot going and chasity is a minor kink amongst the major ones. If you're not happy with the game quit playing it seems simplest answer.
Credit card bills? An FLR should not be expensive to be effective. What are you spending money on? A good chastity device is a maybe $500. A PA piercing, if needed, is a couple hundred more. I can't imagine there would be a whole lot else that would need to be purchased for your wife to get you under control (assuming she wants to).
He says there’s a findom aspect so presumably the credit card bills are for presents, penalty fines and so on.
Sorry, I didn't understand what that meant. I had to look it up. I guess I am surprised that the wife is okay with that. I don't know exactly what to tell the OP, but my best guess is that keeping this stuff strictly between him and his wife would keep these extra costs down, and might lead to a more genuinely female led relationship.
It seems to me that better communication between the two of you would help. Regardless of the power dynamic, there are still the two of you in this relationship, and you should both be feeling good about it - before, during AND after. I am no therapist, but my own life experience tells me that open, honest, regular, safe conversations are the key to finding your mutual happiness, however that may come about. Just because you are submissive and you have kinks and fantasies does not mean that you are not entitled to a happy life. I wish you courage and luck.
Ohhhh hang on! It’s this @YoucopiedMe guy. He appeared once before and was pretty strange, accusing someone of copying him (check the name) and then randomly getting argumentative with me over something. I had to conclude he was some sort of fantasist.
This sounds like the kink equivalent of a bipolar episode: I'm not diagnosing as much as noticing a parallel between the elation (mania) and the drop (depression). I recommend finding a therapist who is covered by your insurance, local to you or who offers remote sessions, through the Kink Aware Professionals (KAP) list - https://www.kapprofessionals.org/ - which is offered by the National Coalition of Sexual Freedom. In the meantime, I recommend sitting down with your spouse and renegotiating spending limits during play. Drop happens, but avoidable, major flares in financial worries shouldn't be a requirement - findom or no.
Thank you for the measured replies and yes to confirm, my wife is the findom recipient. The games are fully informed and consensual but I have an overwhelming shame afterwards. Perhaps it’s the embracing of conversations relating to inadequacy. With regards @Muppet observation of the post that was copied of mine from Reddit, he will note that claim wasn’t refuted by the poster on that thread who flits between referring to his girlfriend and wife on his profile- Because it’s all made up nonsense. That I argued with you previously doesn’t make me suspicious it simply means I didn’t agree with what you said.
In fact, on reflection what you’ve said in this thread makes more sense of your reaction on the previous one. It sounds like you’re ashamed of your masochism and feel dirty after expressing it. This would explain why you’d be horrified and anxious at the idea that it might be ok to practice BDSM and chastity when there are kids in the house, and challenged my suggestion that the same rules apply as to any sexual behaviour, i.e., keep it private and discrete enough that it doesn’t ever impinge on them. But if your engagement with kink so radically affects your mood and sense of self respect I can see it would be incompatible with parenthood. So this leads me to agree with @Byrdie that some sort of psychotherapy is the answer, because you must realise at a rational level that there’s nothing wrong with being kinky.
Further to what I just wrote: on re-reading your initial post on this thread I see that your kink has emerged from real feelings of shame and inadequacy in childhood. I’m sure that’s true for most of us, it definitely is for me. But your adult sexual orientation isn’t an expression of inadequacy or in any way shameful. In fact it’s your way of working through these unhealed wounds in what should be a safe space of consenting play - especially since you do it within your marriage to a woman who by the sound of it is pretty enthusiastic. I know it would be naive to say “just embrace it”, but WORKING towards embracing it should be your goal.
I just read your post. I can understand. To a point. I have been a alpha male at work. But at home more. A beta. I have enjoyed being control, When we go married. She took control in the bedroom. But since I have been caged. Before. As she Use me to Cum. And after. I love it.. But only because She leaves it on to fuck me and she cums and I am told not to. Then put it back on. Keep on till you beg to have her remove it. But don't count on her letting you cum
I think this is the key part. At work I am fully Alpha, highly successful, earn in the top 1% of the country and don't take shit from anyone. At home, it is the opposite but the reality is alpha me is an illusion to not allow past issues to be visible to the world.
No it’s not! These are just two separate domains of your life. There’s no such thing as a “true self”, we’re made up of context-dependent behavioural routines. People get needlessly hung up on what’s real and unreal. If you do it, it’s real. So both these aspects of you are equally real and there’s no reason they can’t exist side by side. In fact they complement each other, because it’s being in the top 1% of earners that enables your wife to ruthlessly drain you whilst laughing at your cock - and probably your overcompensation for feelings of sexual inferiority that gives you the sociopathic edge at work. It’s yin and yang (or should that be yin and wang?) In fact maybe don’t get therapy after all… you might become unable to bring home the bacon, like Tony Soprano. And your wife wouldn’t have anything to laugh at.
Btw I may adopt a facetious tone but I mean what I say and mean it well. The facetiousness comes from my own macho hangups which won’t allow me to be sensitive when communicating with a man about something like this.
My advice is to embrace who you are and stop feeling ashamed, or at least work towards that goal. Yes, I know that is easier said than done, but you asked for advice and I am giving it. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with findom. There is nothing wrong with Femdom. There is nothing wrong with engaging in a consensual relationship where you voluntarily give up control to someone else, and that includes financial control. There is nothing wrong with giving money to or making financial sacrifices for the benefit of your life partner, it happens all the time. Do what is right for you and embrace it. It is your life and you get to decide how to live it. As long as you are not hurting anyone else, then live your life and don't let anyone else tell you how to live or how to feel.
Looks like a post-nut clarity moment gone wrong. I kinda get it, society expects us men to be the alphas, the ones who's in charge, not being subs or submit to anyone. Maybe you have this belief deeply in yourself, conflicting with your submissive kink, in a non-healthy way. You have two options: Abandon the BDSM play entirely, given that it does so much harm to your self steem afterwards. In fact, if you talk to your wife she would probably stop. The bad thing is, with this you may be avoiding the issue, kinda like what I did with my sexuality almost all my life (I remained in the closet until this year (I'm 44. I only came out to my closest persons, my mom and sister, but I'm not comfortable revealing or speaking this to anyone else). I avoided the issue, staying in the closet my whole life and also didn't had sex for + 14 years. But the issue didn't dissappear, it just got worse until I decided to confront it this year. Spoiler: It doesn't get better. I don't have a clue on how to get a partner, or boyfriend, and being out this late in life, nobody wants anything with a 44 years old. But hell, I feel a tiny little bit better than before. Or confront it and go to an specialist (a therapist or something) and talk to him about your issue. Talking about it here is a first step, but it's not enough, we're not professionals and our advice is limited. One thing I tell you: When these thoughts come to you: Think about this logically, without any feelings: You're sharing special kink moments WITH YOUR WIFE. You make her feel very special and loved, and in turn you also feel loved by her. There's nothing wrong with giving up control in bed, with your wife. Maybe here in the chastity mansion most of you are already married or with girlfriends, but there are a lot without any GF, or BF, or if they have them, they may possibly don't like the kink at all. You are fucking lucky. Good luck, whatever you decide, we're here to listen to you. Or at least I am.
I'm in total agreement with @Muppet, @RonDom and @Rafster. We are complex beings and you're just seeing both sides of yourself. If it helps you, I also am highly successful and alpha in the work world and a complete beta at home. I don't think these things are contradictory, I think they are complementary. What you're feeling is the intrusion of some of your public/work persona into your life with your wife. Leave that person at the door. Indeed, perhaps some of the softness of your home life would leaven your work relationships and reduce office toxicity. Accept both sides of yourself, you're OK.