An uphill struggle

Background:

My ultra vanilla sex life with my wife has dwindled to nothing and multiple attempts at getting her interested again have failed. I tried chastity with her for about 8 months but she didn't get into it and just left me locked and forgotten. A couple of years had passed with no change in my situation. I then tried re-evaluating and refocusing my efforts on her and introducing her gently to non-kinky FLR concepts which she likes. She's happier than ever and sex has happened a couple of times in the last year which is progress but not improving as time goes on. To keep myself from masturbating over the long times between sex I lock myself in secret which isn't too difficult as she never cares to see me naked. I have very little confidence I'll ever get my old sex life back let alone all the kinky things I really want to try that I've kept secret for all my adult life. (They are quite tame by the standards of this site but I've never had a partner who I could tell without getting ridiculed or them being disgusted)


All I know is if I don't try to move things along then nothing will change. This is my journey.

 

Device update:

After buying countless devices to try and find the one which works for me I am currently getting closer to one I can stay in 24x7. I have just about trained down to a 38mm ring which fits very snug but I am working through the ball burn at 5am.

The cage is very short but open. However, being uncut it is very messy to pee as the hole doesn't always line up and urine sprays everywhere sometimes being forced up behind my foreskin. I had tried the urethral tube which came with it but it took a lot of force to insert it which hurt and it was very uncomfortable. Pulling it out again was even more painful and produced a small amount of blood. I found a smaller diameter steel tube and this inserted more easily but was still a little painful. After trying a few times for a few hours each time it is gradually getting easier to insert and keep in.

So, currently I'm in this cage with a 7mm urethral insert and it feels very good whilst flaccid. Erections are a little uncomfortable so I just need to work through them.

 

Our sex life initially was good but fairly tame (99% missionary in bed). We've been together 12 years and the passion declined after our second child 8 years ago. I was a bit depressed with life and work and this turned her off which made me more depressed and so it went on in a downward spiral. Masturbation took her place as I've always had a really high libido.

I'm a bit emotionally-challenged as I'm probably on the autism spectrum. So it's difficult for me to tune into other people. However, I believe I am getting better as I get older so maybe it's just lack of experience. I don't really have the benefit of having done any real dating/courtship in my life. I had one girlfriend at college who was as inexperienced as me and fairly frigid. Then I went straight into a marriage with another woman which became stale after a few years until she suddenly left me. As my divorce went through I met my current wife and we decided to get married immediately. I didn't really have to work hard for any of these relationships - they just happened - so having to work hard to get the woman to whom I'm now married to want to be physical with me is something of a challenge. I don't want to leave her because I love her, we get on well for the most part, and my last divorce nearly broke me mentally and financially.

I do believe chastity and breaking the habit of masturbation is helping but I'm not sure how much. I see it written many times that communication is important but I don't know how to tell her I need a sexual relationship. I did try to have a conversation about it but either my timing was wrong (there's never really an opportunity to be open with her) or I bungled the way I said it but she got really mad that I asked. I'm incredibly shy talking about this stuff to her so it took a lot of mental preparation on my part and I was devastated when she got upset and angry and dismissed my needs as being selfish.

So, to answer your question, being more emotionally connected would be a good start. I also want my old sex life back and more. I envisaged as the years went by that we'd get more and more adventurous to keep things new. I have had 30 years of high desire with no means of expressing it.

There's a lot more detail I could add but I'm finding it hard to explain my situation. Keep asking questions if you want to.

 

Both early 50s but very fit and active. I'm certainly more muscular, fitter and healthier than I was in my 20s and my wife looks 10 years younger which doesn't help my frustration

 

Device update:

I managed 18 hours including overnight with the urethral insert in. Nocturnal erections were uncomfortable/painful inside my glans. Also urine managed to flow around the outside of the tube and still get inside my foreskin so I removed it this morning (the tube, not my foreskin!). I'm going to continue with the cage so as not to undo my acclimatisation but if by some miracle my wife does eventually get into keeping me in chastity I may have to get a custom cage.

Relationship update:

Wife seems happy still. I get the kids breakfast in the morning, bring her tea in bed, make lunches, take the kids to school etc. I got a nice cuddle when I got home from the school run.

However there is nothing sexual at all in our relationship. I don't know how to get her interested and I've tried everything I can think of like flowers, going to a restaurant, buying gifts etc.

Here's a couple of conversations:

1.

Me: Grabs her bum and tries to kiss her
Her: "You're horny aren't you?"
Me: <nodding and smiling> "Yes!"
Her: "Well, stop it. Going and do something."

2.

Me: "How about me giving you a nice massage and concentrating on pleasuring you? Whatever you'd like - I'm here to please you."
Her: "Whatever I like? Well that sounds like whatever you like. I don't want anything, thanks." <continues to read phone>

There's got to be a way to crack this...

 

This was a one-off example as I had tried waiting for her to initiate something - anything(!) but it never happened. That was a time I tried to show her how much I desired her when I'd waited about a year for her to do anything and I suppose I got impatient. The trouble is it's been so long anything I do is going to seem obvious.

Yes, I've tried non-sexual massage but she's not interested probably because she now thinks I'm after sex. I lit candles and made the bedroom nice and warm as being cold was another excuse. She took one look and told me it was all too staged and made her uncomfortable so she went downstairs and back to whatever she was doing. Another defeat which left me hurt.

She has a fantastic body but I'm always told to look away when she gets undressed as she doesn't like being seen naked. Strange creatures indeed!

I do hope so. The trouble is the hugs and cuddles are more like brother and sister than husband and wife.

I've asked if she ever thinks about sex and she says yes it does cross her mind fleetingly but then I'm not available because I'm working or something so the opportunity is missed. The couple of times we did have sex in the last year or so was because I was at home, the kids were at school and I literally dropped everything I was doing and came to bed right then. Those times were within a couple of weeks of each other and then it's been several months of nothing again.

I suppose what I'm attempting to say is that trying to be my best self for 2 years is tough without reciprocation. I don't know how long this is going to take but I suppose I just have to keep at it.

 

This is great advice. I want to tell her all this but I've been unsure of quite how.

Yes, I did try to tell her about the lack of sex but she got upset and angry. I didn't ask as it felt wrong but I think perhaps she felt bad but at the same time not willing to try. I know she's told me in the past how string her feelings are on being coerced into doing things she doesn't want especially when it concerns her body. I get that.

Thank you - I will try to come up with the right words and time to tell her my feelings.

 

@Jessica Alexander Sorry to hear about what you're going through. I hope things get better for you soon.

 

Lo and behold this article popped up on my phone. Maybe Google is watching me....

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-11264571/Woman-blames-husbands-affair-sex-two-years.html

 

I'm still struggling to find a way to bring the subject up with my wife. There's never a time where it seems appropriate and I am in danger of just blurting it out and getting the wrong reaction. She very often tells me she doesn't understand what I am saying because I communicate in an odd way and then it leads to a bit of an argument which destroys the moment and the point I was trying to make gets lost.

I can only think the time would be when/if we ever have sex again and then I can tell her my needs. Hopefully she will be in the right frame of mind. I wonder how many months I'll have to wait.

Today I feel down about the whole situation. I've taken my cage off. I just don't feel in the mood to wear it at the moment.