Love vs. Kink

Trying to force someone to do something they do not want while pretending you're doing it for them instead of yourself is indeed selfish.

 

I'm guessing it's been quite some time since most of us were 20. Breakups are painful regardless of why. I was terrible at it when I was your age and jumped from one ill-suited relationship to another. The only wisdom is to be as patient as you can. It will probably be fairly easy to find someone your age interested in a dom/sub relationship. The danger you face is just because someone checks that box doesn't mean they are automatically a good fit for you. Look at the entire picture, not just the frame. The good news is you already seem to know who you are and what you want. I don't think trying to deny that side of yourself will work in the long run.

BTW it's really easy to give advice when your older and in a good spot. Good luck.

 

Based on nothing but your age and the length of time you've been together, I feel like this could be a situation where she's using that as an excuse to break up with you. You're the only real romantic relationship she's ever had and not everyone wants to spend the rest of their life with their high school sweetheart, especially with as much as life changes when you go to college or enter the workforce and you experience new things.

You can tell her that she's more important to you than your kinks, but be prepared to hear that she's still leaving you.

 

Mistress Lucy always knows best......please listen to her.

 

That sounds like the worst decision Ever.
One, there is no telling she would take you back.
Two, she would always feel guilty for making you change. Three, you probably will resent her for making you change. Four, you won’t really change anyway.

I am sorry to hear it didn’t work out, your interests seem to be different, I would hope you would rather find someone compatible than force yourself to fit into that round hole.

 

Thats a tough call bud, but honestly if you really love her you wouldn't be here asking us what to do you would know what to do. You are young and if there are other things you want to try in your life you should. Even though she broke up with you think of it as an opportunity to discover yourself and find what you like and what makes you happy.

On the flip side, if you think that you pushed your kink on her and she's finally had enough you might want to discuss that with her. If you were objectifying her by trying to create sexual scenes and scanarios she may have just felt like you were using her and putting your kink in front of her and your relationship. Obviously there's not enough info here to determine anything but at least these are things for you to think about and options to consider.

 

I think if kinks were easily forgotten at will, a lot of lives would be totally different.

It's a tough call because none of us know the full extent of your situation, but I'll echo other advice here. You are quite young with lots of exploring to do. Whether your kinks formed a convenient excuse or not, she sounds mature enough to know that the same endeavors might not suit you both.

I'd encourage you to focus on moving forward and enjoying life as it comes. Take the habit of being honest with you - it'll pay off in the long run. Be thankful this didn't happen ten years from now after establishing a life together. Hopefully with an amicable split, you might even be able to stay friends.

Good luck.

 

When your kinks don't align with a F, she will typically RUN FOR THE HILLS. Here are some basic thoughts:

(1) Read Dan Savage.

(2) When I was young, someone once said to me, "imagine if those early relationships worked out -- how miserable you'd be."

(3) Letting go and moving on is the best way to recover from a break up. If SHE wantS to come back to you, great, but don't hang on and don't idealize what you had.

(4) Consider narrowing your kinks down to the ones most attractive to women: (1) Instead of Chastity say you are interested in devotion, sacrifice, and orgasm control; (2) Bondage; and (3) spanking and whipping. Your best chances lie in these areas. You can branch out or retract from there.

(5) If a F does not get off on what she's doing -- that's a red flag. A leopard does not change its spots.

(6) F's are sexually guarded -- you won't do well by pushing anyone outside her comfort zone, especially early on in relationship.

(7) Online groups and message boards give you a map of the terrain and personality types in BDSM. Following and participating online will give you a some literacy and judgment of the participants.

(8) Real life experience: get it where you can.

(9) Always be mindful (in a humble but proud way) of your strengths as a person. In courtship, always lead with your talents and remain a diversified, interesting person. Be sure that time spent in your company is time well spent (for anyone.)

(10) Lead a balanced, adventuresome life. In the end -- things will work out for you. Remember, too, that your kinks are probably embedded needs, and you'll never shed them. Purges don't last. Denial is not a solution.

 

The possible unintentional irony of posting this on a site dedicated to chastity.

 

Yes, subs are often selfish. They can work themselves into a mindset where they think "I'm doing all this for you so the least you can do is appreciate it by responding exactly the way I want you to."

That becomes destructive in time. There's a passive aggressive element to a lot of submissives.

Think about what she wants. And if that doesn't include either you or your fetishes then walk away and leave her in peace.

 

No.

No, one hundred times no.

But also yes.

Submission is an orientation that wants to be fulfilled, not a morality.

You can't give it up any more than a gay man can give up being attracted to men. Suppressing it steals intimacy from your partner, and stores up problems for later.

And the meta submission idea - giving up submission as the ultimate act of submission - makes no logical sense. That's like being gay and in love with your best friend, but he's straight and that makes him uncomfortable, so because you love him, you give up being gay...

However, MaleSubs are often selfish in the sense that we fixate on certain fantasies and fetishes and blindly demand those, rather than give space to our partners to explore the power dynamic.

Having been through all this three decades ago, my advice to you is:

You're twenty. You broke up with your highschool GF. Move on.

At least briefly explore the local BDSM community. It very much depends on where you are, but munches and club nights can be a great way of meeting a sexually compatible partner, though bear in mind you need other things in common to sustain an actual relationship.

Otherwise, try to date strong, broad-minded women. If you don't know any, you need to find different circles to move in. Avoid dating women with whom you have submissiveness in common.

Introduce kink as early as seems decent appropriate. If sexual likes and fantasies come up, own your kinkiness, don't store it away for when you can truly trust her, because that's a bait and switch (which is selfish). Do, however, focus on what's in it for her. Pitch your kink as something that extends something she already likes. Don't make a vast fuss about it.

If the kink is great, but you're the one that introduced it, date for at least two years before making a permanent commitment: according to sexologist Gloria Brame, that's how long the honeymoon period lasts, after which people may flip back to their normal sexual behaviour - so you need to know whether that's going to happen...

 

There are things that I admit it would be nice if she did but..
as she agreed to be my KH and take full control of all aspects of that then what she alone wants is her price for doing that (my words and ethos not hers) and would not dream of asking for anything else.

Any more input from me not specifically asked for or regarding the cage hygeine etc would IMHO be topping from the bottom and we don't need that any more she is well beyond needing or wanting my advice.

 

If there were a “super like” button I would have used it for this comment. Wonderful advice, @Her Dividend!

 

@LockedByG ... Relationships are about physical, relationship (emotional, intellectual, interpersonal), communication, and sex. For unique things with a dial of 0-10 where 0 is hell no and 10 is hell yes.

The thing is physical attraction opens the door to relationships and communication, and if an 8 or higher leads to sex. The thing is without the middle two "dials" it is a one shot deal or one night or one weekend. Sure it can lasts longer (sometimes up to 2 years), but it won't last.

Fetishes are intense desires which add gasoline to the fire of sexuality. They aren't sex but an enhancement to it. To some they add delicious heat, to other's it is a poison that kills.

Your girlfriend (ex) stated she tasted it and it was poison to her, so do you want to feed her poison to sustain your heat? Can you go without the gasoline on the fire of sexuality? That is an open and honest question that only you can answer. @L-u-c-y 's perspective is correct at the core, one shouldn't need gasoline or fetish's to stoke the fire. You build it with a relationship and communication and once the fire is going ... if it is desired and isn't poisonous and can be enjoyed by both partners then kink can be added. Conversely, if it is part of you, then no she isn't the one for you and you need to find someone else of a like mind and spirit to enjoy the intimacy.

She has a fantasy too. She wants a man to want her for "her" in a traditional sake, no kinks. That "gasoline" to her is poisonous to you. So she is stating she can't drink your kink, and drinking her's non-stop will kill you spiritually.

Mourn the loss, grow from the loss, respect for her stepping up and doing the hard thing. The next intimacy related relatinoship make sure you are clear, concise and direct with your partner. However, I would not lead forward with hey baby ... whip me, beat me, lock my dick up ....

Start with hi my name is X I am glad to meet you. Tell me something about yourself and let me tell you about me (non sexual related things). Go through and ask 50 questions, and once you know how to listen to her/him/whomever, then start talking about sex what do you like. If she/he feels uncomfortable, state I am really interested in having sex and intimacy with you, but we can't have that unless you feel comfortable talking to me and listening to me. I want our interaction to be "genuine".

 

I know it hurts so much right now, but breakups, no matter the reason, are normal at this stage of life. You had 4 years together!! That's lovely. But you both probably have a lot of growing and changing to do before you find life partners.
Grieve the loss, keep the memories, don't try to win her back. Learn what it's like to be a single man. Go to local kink events and make friends that support your lifestyle. Find vanilla hobbies as well, no one is kinky 24/7. Lean in to this exciting g new stage of life. Take deep breaths and smile often.

 

If you where really deeply in love with her, you wouldn't need to be told this. I got really badly hurt many years ago, hind-sight is a wonderful thing...

 

Your scenario makes it sound like the guy dumped the girl because he wasn't getting what he wanted while in this situation she dumped him.

To me, that means one of:
A) He pestered her and she got tired of it.
B) She was secretly horrified by his admission and eventually she decided she couldn't live with someone thinking those things.
C) She wanted to dump him and she's tried to find a way to not come off as mean. (Ignoring the fact that by mentioning his fetishes, she's not setting him free but instead making him even less likely to mention them in the future since she's just given him evidence that they hurt his ability to have relationships)

With just what we've been told, I don't feel qualified to make a definitive judgement.

 

Isn't it more like being gay, and your GF is a woman, so...?

 

Hmm. I think "like" is too mild a word. It's true that many malesubs carry with them a load of expectations, and are pushy with it. It's also true that biologically, we look like vanilla males and can have and enjoy vanilla sex.

Even so, I think that behind all that is something that's more of an orientation than a preference. Most of us can point to very early - pre-sexual and certainly pre-pubescent - experiences and urges, well before we came into contact with the fetish world.

I don't want to derail this thread, so I'll start a new one...

 

LOL yes, that's probably true.