1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Are you a dominant bottom?

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by L-u-c-y (Partner), Dec 5, 2017.

  1. L-u-c-y (Partner)

    L-u-c-y (Partner) Chief Goddess
    Staff Member Administrator Moderator

    Oct 20, 2015
    Likes Received:
    Trophy Points:
    A lot of males seem to think they are submissive, but "dominant bottom" seems a better description.

    I found this article which applies to chastity as well ...

    "There’s no reason that a person couldn’t be very interested in receiving pain, very interested in receiving bondage, and have no interest at all in actually giving up any control. That might seem completely contradictory if you’re stuck on the idea that actions have any inherent meaning, but if you can let that go it makes perfect sense. If, for example, a dominant woman with a masochistic streak orders her submissive to give her a spanking where and when she wants, exactly as hard as she wants, for only as long as she wants, she is clearly the one in charge. Receiving pain doesn’t magically make you submissive if you’re telling the person giving you pain exactly what to do, and giving pain doesn’t magically make you dominant if you’re doing exactly what your dominant tells you.

    As long as everyone knows what they want and can express that, everything is great! But where things get complicated is where people don’t think through what it is that they really want. To use an example terribly common in the female dom community, if a dominant man with a fetish for bondage and pain play assumes that means he’s submissive, he’s going to irritate the shit out of every dominant woman he tries to order around and will probably end up lonely and frustrated because he can’t seem to find a “real” dominant woman. That doesn’t mean he’s a bad person (although I do sincerely want to smack that guy upside the head and tell him to be honest about what he wants already), and it doesn’t mean that the doms who get fed up and dump him are bad people either, it just means that a lack of self awareness makes it really difficult to find good relationships.

    To complicate things even more, it’s totally normal for even really submissive people to want to act out their fantasies just the way those fantasies have gone in their heads. I mean, would you go into a scene thinking “Oh, you know that thing I think about all the time? Let’s do a scene where we don’t do any of that!” I know I wouldn’t. Having a bit of a fixation on acting out a certain scene in just the right way doesn’t mean the person who wants to bottom to that scene can’t possibly be submissive, but it does mean they’re going to have to work harder to convince me they really are interested in my needs too.

    If you’re a dominant bottom, great! Good on you for figuring out what you want and looking for people who are compatible with you. I might even be willing to service top you if we have compatible kinks and you can make it through a whole scene without trying to order me around. However, that only works if you know what you want. If you’re a dominant bottom who doesn’t know it or won’t admit it, well, it’s going to suck to be you until you figure your shit out. Best of luck with that!"

    Full article here:
  2. Definitely a submissive bottom. If I was ordered to spank someone I would as I would want to submit to the order. Although I would prefer to be on his receiving end it’s not up to me!
    L-u-c-y (Partner) likes this.
  3. If you are a man who has introduced your wife/partner to chastity and they have responded because they wish to fulfil your wishes then you are a dominant bottom. If over time your partner makes a transition where they become more assertive then as a dominant bottom are you prepared to change or do you see it as a game and continue as before. Interesting conundrum.
    CagedBySocks likes this.
  4. I know I agreed to not post on your threads, but I promise I’ll be nice.

    I think that is a perfect analogy for many. And like it was said, is no problem if everyone is on the same page about who they are, what they want, or what they expect.

    I would also add that being more comfortable with a female being in control doesn’t make one a submissive person. I am the furthest thing from being a submissive person, that doesn’t mean I don’t prefer my partner taking charge and controlling some aspects of my life. I am a better partner like that, but not something I am completely comfortable with giving in to totally...it’s a work in progress. Even then, it wouldn’t change the fact that I am not submissive anywhere else in my life.

    Anyway, very realistic and thought provoking thread.
    MadamBelle and Mash2214 like this.
  5. well i think a lot of men am like it. All the ones i seen at Lady Delias tell what they wants done. so really they am saying whats got to happen.
  6. In our relationship my key holder and I play both the traditional dominant and submissive. Nothing is done against the will of the other. She enjoys bondage for the restraint element. I enjoy chastity for the control she holds over me and mowing that I am her property. I believe that chastity does not have to exist in isolation of all else.
  7. Jimwilly123 likes this.
  8. This is an excellent post and also very informative. Some times people don’t know what they are, with information like this it makes understanding your role a lot easier!
  9. Couldn't agree more with this. Still, it's kinda fun to watch the mindfuck that ensues and manifests itself on his face at times.

    "You actually want me to... what?

    ... Okay!"

    I've encountered many of these types. Playing a part is much different than being yourself. It can cause some pretty unfortunate frustration, and not the good kind.

    In my experience, things tend to be more efficient when partners (lovers, friends, D/s or otherwise) have an open and honest understanding of each other's expectations and desires. Anything less than honesty is a waste of time, in my opinion.

    I see the point in this statement and can totally agree with the idea behind it, if the 'sub' is producing most of the play ideas on a regular basis.

    However, I must say that attention to detail requires creativity... and creativity turns me on. Knowing My pet has a scene in mind then discussing it in greater detail has been an invigorating pastime during our relationship. It goes both ways, after all.

    Discussions like this have increased my batting average, so to speak. Not a lot of opportunities for a swing and a miss. Just enough information for my mind to race... Couple that with a few surprises that I know will knock him straight into subspace, and we've got play that works for us both.

    Anyway, I'd be quite bored if I micromanaged (or felt I had to micromanage) every fantasy he has. So I'm happy to discuss images that come to his mind. I've had great success in shaping those desires into service that fits My needs. I do think it's very possible for true submissives to bring ideas to the table.

    Unfortunately, 'topping from the bottom' does plague many people seeking relationships with true power exchange. I imagine the OP was quite frustrated. Nice article.

    I agree with that last part as well - he certainly works for any rewards I give, special or otherwise. Keeps 'em honest. ;)
  10. I am only submissive to women. I am what you call a bossy bottom with men... If you suck at fucking me... I will yell you and I won't be happy about it :)
  11. Same with me, or it was until my wife forbade me to have sex with men. I was an exceptionally demanding and verbal bottom who wanted to be fucked according to my specifications and I was unforgiving to those who didn't measure up. Now that my wife controls me, I am docile and utterly submissive.
  12. i was once told by a wise old lady" a dominant fulfilling their sub's fantasy is a pro who should be well paid" i would be very offended if my puck thought anything remotely similar! thinking it would be ok to ask is crossing that line.... on the other hand a submissive acting like a top submitting to the dominant acting like a bottom might well be a match made in heaven.
    Steviepie likes this.
  13. If introducing your Wife to chastity makes you a dominant bottom, then I was one when we started, though chastity wasn’t my kink, it was more to do with covering up something. Literally. The whole idea was a chastity device would mean my Wife wouldn’t have to see my penis. It was several months before Elle took over and we did this because she wanted to, and she is the entire reason my chastity has gone in the direction it has.

    Now I would say I am submissive to her, generally submissive in nature but not in all situations. As to whether I am a bottom, I’m really not sure about all this bdsm terminology. I’m just a husband in an FLR who does as he is told. If Elle told me to spank her I would do my very best to do exactly what she wanted.
    Jimwilly123 likes this.
  14. I am also in a female-controlled marriage which requires my absolute submission. Given my personality it has been a natural and rewarding evolution. My wife pegs me daily now to reinforce my bottom status.
  15. A good relationship with open communication can enable that transition. It's interesting how many women fear giving men exactly what they ask for and I have to assume it's because the men have been so firmly in control. Somebody has to find a way to start the transition from play to true female led but it doesn't have to happen all at once. Talk to your partner about the "what-ifs"......... you might become his dream woman (and he may find how wonderful it can be to love and to serve a happy and satisfied woman who is free to manage her life and relationships. Best wishes to all.
  16. Am curious. Why didn't you want Elle to see your penis?
  17. "he who does not know history is bound to repeat it"
    let do a little review. men have always been and are still 20% larger than women giving them the intimidation factor. you know the cave man story... give it to me or else. after about a few million years as the human race truly established higher thinking women started to balance things out. when the concept of the jewish god took hold god presented as male or female but being the same single god but when they left babylon god was only male. since the it's god the father and women are less like god therefore less than men. it seems to me that men have a habit of subjugating women. so if you are wondering why we might not want to follow your lead now it might be the millions of years men have been doing what they want.
    to be fair men today who exist in forward thinking cultures are willing to share some of the power with women, though often the sharing comes with strings attached( the slow gradual method here could take another million years for all to be truly equal.

    so it probably not fear but history that motivates women to want to speed things up a little...maybe a lot. and yes that means what the male spouse has to say in a flr might have considerably less weight than it did for millions of years

    get use to it !!
  18. In our female-controlled marriage the man has NO say. We have gone through a complete power exchange which is working wonderfully. If women made the rules we all would be much better off.
  19. can you say that again slowly? :)
  20. Greatly appreciate your well thought out response..... I may have failed to articulate the context .....men asking women to lead and women still hesitant. I'm sure there are many reasons and yours all ring true. Of course the other theme here is whether those men would really like to follow as much as they claim. I'd like to hear more of your thinking but for now I'll just share the words of another wise woman:

    Letting oneself be hurt, humiliated, used as a doormat - queer. I like it. Besides the doormat uses the user. It's complicated.
    - Nancy Cunard
  21. I think all subs have an idea of what they want or how would they know they were subs? When we started down this road I did push chastity, I was a nagging little so and so about all kinds of things kinky. The harder I pushed the more She pushed back and as I see it now, no wonder. What changed everything for us was a period when She decided to move on with her life and go to college in England, I realised that for the first time I would compromise what I wanted, give up my job and follow her there. I had no job and nothing to do except organise the house, get dinner etc. I thought a lot about kinky stuff but I had this epiphany, "what if I just listened to what she wanted and did it?" So I served, obeyed without question and without any requests. It was wonderful, we were so happy. This kind of set the blueprint for how things would be. I don't regret committing to serve her ever. Sorry that's a bit of a ramble, I suppose my point is that new subs can and will be dominant bottoms until they realise that only through true service and obedience can the real lasting rewards be reached.
    Breathe likes this.
  22. My Toy and I are both fairly dominant. For the first six years of our marriage, I'd say sexually he was the dominant, but when this was introduced to me thru him, (he is definitely a topper from the bottom!). I've learned that I really enjoy being the dom. He likes me to be as well, but he will go thru stages trying to say, "well, I probably deserve .... So you should do..... " At first I would right away, but now I know that though he does want what he says, it's up to me to give it to him. As fact or ass slow as I'd like, If he says the safe word, it is done, but him trying to tell me what to do at least gives me an idea of how far I can take it and how far I can push it. A great learning and living experience. :)
    slave_m likes this.
  23. I am only submissive to my wife. With men, my only interest in them is how well they are hung and if they know how to use it. So while I bottom for men sexually, in the BDSM sense of the words, I am strictly a Domme with everyone except my spouse.
  24. As usual you always have provoking thoughts. I agree with the fact that if you are telling everyone what you want, it doesn't sound very submissive. Where I am started
    almost 42 years ago. Condensed version. Met when we were 15, 1976. Married 1980. Everything I would say was 'normal'. First son 1987. My wife stopped working
    that year. Second son 1995. Wife stayed home till he went to 1 grade. She returned to work in 2001. My job made it possible to take over with the boys. I started work
    at 5:00 am and out at 1:30 pm, plenty of time to pick them up. Cooking was never a problem because it is one of my favorite things to do. Taking care of the house
    was no big deal. She got home around 6:30 and by then everything was done.

    Time passed and there was never much for her to do. She made the comment that everything got done even though I wasn't home all day. I said I know that. I just
    never mentioned it. I had gotten very over weight and decided to do something about it. Well I lost which at that time was 60 lbs. She began to think that I was
    looking for something other than just her, never my intention. I really didn't know what to about it. Well I thought I would show her that there would be no one else.

    I bought a device tried it out until I felt is was not going to become a problem. Her birthday 2012 we went to dinner and while we were waiting for desert I gave
    her a card and the card was a hand written note with the key. I told her that she would always have the key to my heart. I had not realized how much things had
    changed until I looked back. I did everything at home and she paid the bills. I had no idea what I had started, and yet I think many things had already started
    with out direct thought applied to it.

    As far as the chastity part is concerned. At first it was pretty much not a big deal, and after about a year, I guess she became a little different. Sex had always
    been good with us and then she started to play the waiting game with me. I had always put her first, so not really a big deal. Fast forward to today. I am very
    happy where I am now as She is also. Have grown to enjoy Her pleasure and do whatever makes Her happy. A week ago She wanted to have some Her
    friends over and She told me I was going to cook and serve, and I said yes Mistress. I make no requests for any sex related actions. We are very intimate
    and spend much time together now that our boys are grown. If She asks for something I just do it. Being able to totally please Her pleases me and makes
    life great for both of us.

    I hope this is not to boring. I just wanted to say that I think you are right about some so called 'subs' act. I joined this site in August and I am amazed at what
    is here. I never knew how many flavors of chastity there are. As far as I am concerned if I wasn't submissive at the beginning maybe life just made me this
    way or maybe I am submissive and that is why things went so well when She went back to work. Have to go time to get the steak ready, duty calls.
  25. This sounds so much like my wife and I