An uphill struggle

If you haven't already delivered the letter, what do you think about rephrasing that to a question phrased something like "Will you help me be a better husband by holding the key?"

 

Or, as I find it a strange concept that my wife wouldn’t know I was locked, here’s another idea. Maybe she knows?

Just one word of caution. Something that’s easily achieved, don’t make her feel that you have a problem with your current situation. As it appears that for other than one evening things have been good for you, stay on the positives.

 

Good to see you are trying to get the initiative back. Go easy with the letter. Let it settle for a couple days. Re-read it, re-write it as many times as you want.

Might sound strange to say on a chastity forum, but you could consider to re-read it after masturbating.
Sometimes horny-brain makes it hard to split the fantasy from the reality.

 

Oh, I was trying to remain positive. When you say no intimacy you mean the whole 9 yards? You genuinely don’t even see each other naked.

 

Reading this thread reminds me of many aspects of the sexless marriage with my wife.

 

This is probably one of the purest distillation about the paradox of masturbation. We do it to medicate pain and loneliness only to find that it increases both. Giving our wife intimate pleasure is much more rewarding because it gives us a sense of connection and achievement that is not rooted only in our self. I hope you are able to find the connection with your wife that you are seeking. I feel your pain.

 

Sounds like it's time to accept it as a loss, move out, and find a way to live your best life elsewhere, with other people, who enbrace intimacy.

Seriously dude, be kind to yourself.

 

@hopefulhubby - the message from @JaySaysYes is pretty sobering, isn't it? I have been there before - wondering if divorce is the answer to an unfulfilling marriage. About six or seven years ago, I even gave that as an ultimatum to my wife. The result was a week of hysterical mating from her and then things settled back down to status quo more or less. Whenever I have thought about it, I rationalized that blowing up my marriage and family and life for more sex was something that I would ultimately regret and look back on as a big mistake. I've always wondered, and still do, if all of this is on me - is there something I could be doing better or different to change the situation for the better.

At this point in my marriage, I have sort of settled in to where things are at. I enjoy whatever dose of intimacy I get when I get it. Even the chastity cage seems like an unnecessary complication. That's not to say that I am satisfied with the level of intimacy I have, but I know that there is a lot more I can do to work on that and at least 50% of that is still on me.

I said all of that to get to this point. You are once again doubling down (or tripling down) on the chastity cage. I don't see that going anywhere good for you at this point. I think any letter about cages at this point is going to only make things worse for you and your relationship. I think you really need to double down on intimacy, triple down on it, quadruple.... That is a big hump that you need to get over and unless and until you do, your wife is not going to be receptive to talk of cages or any other kinks. Like you, I wanted the cage to be a quick and instant fix, and I believe with the right woman it could be, as shown in many stories here, but unfortunately, your wife does not sound like a candidate for this quick fix.

If you keep pushing the cage, you are just an insensitive creep or perv who can't take no for an answer. If you were to ever divorce, would you want her telling people you divorced because she didn't embrace you locking up your dick?

However, if you keep pushing for intimacy (intimacy, not just PIV) then you are a vulnerable man who is looking for connection with his wife. I'm not saying this from a manipulative viewpoint, but rather from a sincere, I think that's what you really want standpoint. If you really get deep with yourself, reflect on why you want the cage. What are you hoping to get from the cage. Distill that down and then start focusing on what you are trying to achieve but leave the cage out of it.

If you don't have kids at home anymore, and you have given this your very best effort and nothing has changed, then you may need to sincerely consider leaving your wife if you find that your sexual desires are that important to you and will never be met. But, I suspect that you, like me, haven't done everything you can do to resolve or otherwise get to the bottom of things. If the worst happens, and you end up divorcing, let it be a situation where your wife realizes, "that man just wanted intimacy with his wife and I wasn't willing to give it." If you make that your goal, I suspect you will have the best chance at success. It's not guaranteed, but it will be your best chance to succeed.

 

Of course. You know I am in the same situation more or less - I have even "caught up with you" because my wife now knows of my cage desires. I will try my best to follow my own advice, as well. It's easier to give advice than it is to take advice.

 

@hopefulhubby i think its sounds ever so sad i do. i hope it gose more happy for you after a bit.

 

Totally agree on the intimacy part, but something to consider is that some men, myself included, become very interested in being romantic when we view our wives a prize to be won over and over again with our sex drive relentlessly pushing us to chase her. The cage will prevent a man from a selfish outlet that puts the breaks on the chase. Self locking is a good place to start, the drive that once drove a man to masturbation and bitterness towards his wife will now drive him to the candy store, the card department, and planing romantic getaways.

I'd recommend leaving her out of the chastity program for now, but cage up as a gift to her.

 

@hopefulhubby

Thanks for posting this thread. I hope you can get to where you want to.

My gut instinct is there is something else she's not happy about - maybe you, maybe something nothing to do with you - and maybe this is somewhat where the problem is.

But of all the comments, it was the comment above that really made me want to reply.

I don't want to use words like 'normal' to see each other naked as a married couple - but maybe 'common' or 'difficult not to' if you share a house, a bathroom, a bedroom with someone.

Doesn't she like you seeing her naked - or she doesn't like seeing you naked?

Also I'm with ChasteJase - why fixate on the cage, honor works fine for many (including myself) - in fact, I regard it as more of a commitment to my KH as it's all about my self-control for her.

 

@hopefulhubby I was reading a book the last couple of days by a counselor, sex therapist, & professor. He mentions 3 different kind of desires: an initiating desire (most guys), a receptive desire (many women) and a resistant desire. The last one is described as:

• This is like a car with the parking brake on or in reverse. It’s an active resistance to sex. They experience it with varying degrees of intensity: from unwillingness to engage, to a consistent avoidance of sex or any situation that leads to sex, all the way to fear or hatred of sex. It’s complex and usually requires counseling or therapy.

It sounds to me like this describes your wife. Would she be willing to see someone individually or together with you? Maybe going with you the first time would open the door for her. She might need to go alone before she feels comfortable opening up in front of you.

 

I agree with your gut and ChasteJase on the cage...something else she's not happy about. Body image possibly based on the naked comment.

Women need to feel safe, desired/cherished, and be heard (communication) and appreciated. By default, initially, chastity runs counter to all of these (despite what all the websites say).

It's a threat - new kink, where did it come from, why is this here with us, what else is he thinking and wanting to do and what does it mean?
Why do you need it - am I not good enough (threatens appreciation and cherishing)
Communication - how women experience intimacy. You need to be able to listen to her, understand her, and meet her needs (which are mostly initially going to be about being safe, being heard, being desired and cherished. . And you need to be able to directly articulate your needs, why they are important, expectations on what to do, and understand from her what she needs in order to help fulfill your desire/need.

Once you get all of these in line...and get yourself in line (honor method and resolve all the underlying needs that are diverting your sexual attention), chastity can be the prize (for you, not her) at the end of it. Because you have a close, loving, communicative relationship where everyone is (at least starting to) getting their needs met.

Cage talk is likely going to kill any chance at cage play right now.

 

This may have been mentioned already but with my post menopausal wife she takes hormonal replacement therapy. I asked her one day if she’s taking testosterone hormone replacement. She said no. She talk to her doctor, and he gave her a prescription for a low-dose of testosterone replacement. It had positive affects for my wife, but sadly not in the sexual desire front. Could be different for your wife.

 

Fantastic breakthrough, congratulations and good luck.

 

Dang. Just when I had successfully moved on from fantasies of a different world brought on by a caged marriage, then you hit me with this! I am really happy for you and I hope this continues to bring about some positive changes to your marriage. Please keep us posted.

I also just want to say that this sentences hits hard: "A few days passed and I confessed how I masturbated because I felt distant from her and then I always felt guilty but it also made me become more distant in a vicious circle." I have completely stopped masturbating (without a cage) and am on day 52-53. I have been doing a lot of reflecting and struggling with this. Not struggling to stop masturbating as my libido currently has plummeted, but struggling because I am realizing why I was masturbating and it is very similar to your comment - "I masturbated because I felt distant from her and then I always felt guilty but it also made me become more distant in a vicious circle." Now that I have quit masturbating, I am feeling a lot of raw and empty emotions.

 

Can you explain this part? What are the couple of things here and there she is referring to?