So I need some suggestions, input or thoughts. I have a very vanilla wife who did actually rake my keys a little while ago much to my delight, she does teas me now and again but mostly because I ask her to. With the exception of the numbing cream incident, she's out. How can I subtly suggest her to do research on this to do more, or be more assertive in her role as my Dominant? I am trying to be very patient and let her go at her own pace so not to lose what I do have.
You can't. Have a serious conversation and get straight to the point of what you want and what she is willing to do. My wife is quite frankly not interested and doing all the things I want. You have to Respect that. Our conversations did open up to her allowing me to find other people and outlets to get what I need. A marriage is a two way street. (Unless you are in an FLR ). You have needs and wants. She may not be willing to fulfill them. Maybe you will have to give up some of your wants and desires if she is willing to meet you half way. Boils down to communication and finding out just how much this lifestyle means to you.
There is no magic answer since everyone is different. From my perception it would seem like many current relationships on this site started with an off put or non involved spouse who over time accepted and eventually appreciated and now perhaps love. For them it is like dieting- eat salads for two days and you will still look the same, it takes time. And in this situation that time is often measured in years. But to be sure some never take it on fully.
@Caged curious : I think you need to sit down and have a conversation, but you also need to ask yourself some things too before you do this... I know this post isn't 100% relevant to you since you have already started this, but it doesn't sound like you thought this through much Take a look at this post I made a while back. https://www.chastitymansion.com/forums/index.php?threads/how-do-i-tell-me-wife.48102/ This is a lifestyle change, and there must be positive outcomes from it... or people aren't going to be interested in doing it. If you would like to talk more, I'd love to hear where you are coming from in the form of a private chat.
My wife seems to be getting more comfortable with the cage. I stared wearing it around her a few days ago. She asked if I wanted a release before my exam on Tuesday, so I can focus. I was sitting on the couch next to her and stretched out with no underwear on, which caused me to get closer and rub her feet and legs. She patted my balls one day (caged). I have been wearing the cage around her for two days. I’m definitely rubbing her feet and legs more. Can’t get the image of her without underwear out of my head. So far, I have the key. I have checked to make sure everything is ok, as two days is a record for me. Apart from a sore spot from cage (using a lot of location) rubbing and morning hardness starting at 3am no issues. It’s definitely a lot of internal emotions and I’m good at keeping them suppressed, but having someone else in control of my penis causes my inward emotions to go crazy
Ultimately, you can’t change who your wife is… so you’ll never have someone who wants to peg you, torture you or humiliate you if that’s not who she is already. She won’t be dressing in PVC and fulfilling your wildest desires if she wouldn’t dress up before hand… etc etc. There are many ways to incorporate chastity into your dynamic. What you’ve got to do is find the right balance between your expectations and what she is willing and comfortable in delivering. My wife has taken to chastity and some extras that come with it way more than I ever anticipated… however, she did not read a book on how to be a dominant. As far as suggestions it would be difficult as I don’t know your current situation. For example. Everyone’s definition of vanilla is different, what does this currently mean to you? What research or knowledge does she already have? What is her personality type? If nothing else, the best course of action would be to defund a reason why she would want to deny and tease you. Let her know what’s in it for her…
My wife describes herself as submissive, so she has no interest in assuming a dominant role (nor would I ask her to). While she was somewhat shocked when I first told her about my interest in chastity (and she'd never heard of it before), she held back any reservations and was willing to go along with it. Over time, she said she was definitely enjoying the benefits and liked the "new me" and our new relationship (after 27 years of marriage). However, I've yet to discover what "tease and denial" feel like and I've mostly been self-locked over the first year of us doing this. I felt that a year was long enough of a break-in period, so I emailed her recently saying that I was planning to stop doing chastity on the 1-year anniversary date, unless she wanted us to continue. You can read more details in my journal, but to cut to the chase, she said she did want us to continue, and now she's starting to do some research on her own (I've sent her a few links to get her started) and I'm hopeful that things will start moving in the right direction. Bottom line, lock up (self-lock if you have to) and let her experience the benefits. Don't overwhelm her with chastity talk, but do have conversations from time to time, let her know what you're looking for and then give her time and space to find what she's comfortable with.
Takes alot of time. You need.to submit to her, show her all the things she will benefit from you being locked up. Bathe her, massage her, make the bed, do the laundry, massages, have fresh flowers all the things that a dominant woman should expect from a man. This has to be kept up forever, she will gain confidence over time, then tell her what you want and need this takes a long time, bit let her flourish. I rub feet every night, I bathe my queen every night, I cook for her, etc. She now expects it and when I don't she reinforces. I have created this and she loves it. I still haven't fully submitted all and still hang on to some of my man shit, but I can see in the future when I am in her presence she gets my 100% attention and she will give you her 100%. My wife has naturally become sexually sadistic over the years they love the control once you give it to them. Cheers and have patience!
Lol I have always do r the laundry, dishes, the bed, massages usually end up PIV. I send her flowers to work, I've been married to her for 33 years she is my everything
I also cook dinner most of the time, dinner is ready for her when she comes home as well as her coffee
My biggest issue is my wife doesn't want me to focus on her more (especially sexually). Nor does she want me doing more around the house, she has actually complained she feels like I do too much and it makes her feel inferior. Of course I have spoken to her and have been supportive. In our situ the benefits don't seem to apply.
We have been married for 18 years and involved with kink for 10, it works for us. I do hope you find a way to get through to her.
Hmm, that's a tough one, best I can suggest is to talk to her and see what she does hope to get out of this (if anything).
Have you thought about what your wife's love language is? It's probably not acts of service. Maybe it's Words of Affirmation, or Companionship/Quality Time, or Receiving Gifts, or Physical Touch. For my wife, it's Words of Affirmation; that's the hardest one for me. I've always got to be thinking about things she's done, who she is, how she looks, etc, etc. to come up with compliments on a daily basis. So she is somewhat like your wife; acts of service aren't necessarily a top priority for her.
As some have said, it take time and patience. My wife and I have purchased a lot of toys and even some serious furniture over many years we have been together. I would tell you when we were first starting out I initiated nearly all encounters and they were very vanilla stuff. She never showed any interest in "exploring" any different side. Over time though and actually after she had hormone treatment, she became VERY interested in all kinds of sex and roles. As I have gotten older, there is no way I could keep up here sex pace. Same time I have always been attracted to submissive even somewhat sissy side that I never shared with her over our early years together. Now I would say we both play switch roles in our activities. She does indulge me and my needs as long as I ensure she is satisfied whenever she wants. That does mean though sometimes I am the Dom in that activity which I am OK with because it makes her happy. She bought my first cage a few years back too but was not really interested in long term key holding and me desires to be chastity owned. So (with her consent) started using an online KH too who, lets say co-Dom's me and make sure I am locked on their (wife and KH) schedules at all times . One of the benefits for my wife which she has discovered is when I am in LONG periods of Chastity my attention to her needs and service go way up. I think she gets a "full attention" experience with she wants it now. I kind of go a little bit crazy with activity for her and she relishes teasing me during those times. At this point we have a good balance. My online KH puts me through paces in chastity with tasks and punishments my wife gladly "helps" with and gets the benefit from. I am in a good place with all this. Long description but I hope it works out for you. Time and patience....
Yes. I give a lot of verbal support in all manners you have said. I believe in stepping outside my own world to see another persons perspective. I have tried every confidence booster, relaxation technique, you name it. The hard part I face is my wife could probably go the rest of her life without another sexual touch or thought and be perfectly happy. That's the wall I have to overcome.
Thanks, I hadn't seen your post. Certainly there are a few on there that are in play. Body image has been a major issue since the birth of our last child. I have spoken to her about hormones (she is peri-menopause now) but she doesn't like to talk to doctors unless an arm is falling off. And she really needs to speak to a therapist but she is not the type of person to do that. It is a slow go with things especially when the other person doesn't feel there is an issue.
I sympathize with you because you both are missing out on so much pleasure and satisfying intimacy that benefits both of you far more than the sex. if only someone could communicate that to her. It's hard to realize what you're missing until you've had it. My wide thought she was done at 64 not realizing she could have the best sex of her life. And thats just the cherry on the sundae. There must be a book for her.