How do I tell my wife?

I took the "write her a letter" approach. I thought it would help by giving me the time to compose my thoughts so that I could explain to her my answers to the type of questions @King Hippo wisely recommends we chasters address. We were at a place in our otherwise generally strong relationship in which we had trouble talking openly about sexual desires and frustrations, so trying to have a challenging, lengthy conversation about this face-to-face, initially, was too scary to me. I also thought it would be good for her to have some time to absorb what I wanted to say (write) before she needed to respond.

At first -- for, umm, like three weeks -- it was a disaster. She was scared that there was something deeply wrong in our relationship. She was angry that I didn't talk to her directly. She was particularly angry that I left the letter in the morning before going to work and wasn't available to talk until evening.

But, it all worked out -- just passed our 4 year chastity anniversary, and though it isn't *her* kink she is very supportive of it as my kink. We *did* talk (starting that first night), and kept talking, and now are much better at talking about sexual topics in general. I don't know that it would have been easier if I'd initially told her in a different way, but I do know that I won't be writing letters to open up other hard topics in the future!

 

I'm glad you posted this, I've been thinking about this topic a lot lately. Speaking from my experiences with "chastity"...without a cage, but same dynamic otherwise and commitment from me.

• Why do you think allowing your wife to be the sole gatekeeper of your orgasms will make the relationship better?

Because it increases the connection between me and her. From my perspective, this has driven different behavior by me to pay more attention to hear needs, to not focus on my own sexual needs as much. Though we both firmly believe now that all of our needs and desires should be discussed. And she smirks that "I can ask, but who know what will happen or when". It's a playful, connecting bond between us.

• What changes/activities would you like to see replace your self-pleasure?
  • Why do you think these changes will make the relationship better?

The personal commitment to remove self pleasure and orgasm from my life has improved my overall masculine energy which has driven improved focus, energy, sensuality, awareness, all sorts of things. In turn this has made our relationship stronger.

We watched this video last night, which really summed up well what women need from male masculinity.

Containment - What a Woman Needs From a Man in a Relationship


I think this is well worth the watch to get ones head in a place of "why am I doing this, who do I need to be, what does my woman need"...and "why might she not be having sex with me, why has she turned cold, etc."

Search for semen retention also, to learn to channel, and not lose, your sexual energy.

• Prepared yourself to tell your wife that you want all of her intimate desires and needs to come before your own.

Same as the previous poster, I started with a letter explaining why I wanted do enter a dynamic like this, that I wanted her to control my orgasms, focus on HER sexual pleasure, etc. At the time I felt like it was a huge, scary step for me to propose the idea. When she read it, she was blown away and loved the idea, had tremendous respect for me for bring it up, intrigued about trying it, and never looked back. We have grown closer since, but it is more because of the deliberate focus on improving communication, growing openness and deeper trust, finding equity to achieve each others needs, me really understanding what she needs and how that getting there is vastly different than how need to get there. The orgasm control aspect is super playful, drives the energy and gives me the fun, challenge and fuel I need to feel great. But by far NOT the key to success on its own. It has to be the full package and sincere with her needs as the focus (masculine containment as described in the video...especially the analogy of a guy taking care of his car).

• Be prepared to compromise, be flexible, and be willing to try what she wants.

This is key. It can't be just about the kink. Well, the kink is a fun part of it and drives your energy, she has to feel a difference in you (see video link above). Becoming the man she needs you to be, not the focus of the kink you think you want.

 

It really depends on your communication level with your SO. For me, it was as simple as "hey, I found this new kink that I kind of want to explore"

 

You are correct, it would be a much better approach. But....And it's a big butt....I like Big Butt's, and I cannot lie.....I digress...

But it's a chicken and egg situation. I didn't consider the non-kinky side to chastity until a few days in. I didn't even think to visit a chastity forum until day two. She found it on me so quickly I didn't have time to think. In a vanilla/kink relationship it can be hard to communicate about sex and each other's needs. Patience and persistence.

I really hope guys find this site before getting their first cage, especially the V/k type. And really get the relationship side of retention across first then as you say maybe introduce chastity. As a tool to assist in what she sees is working for taking it further. Stop wanking, stop pushing,.start listening and doing.

 

Great advice KH.

 

just my opinion...if there is not enough trust or openness in communication in your relationship that the thought of merely tell her you would like to try it makes you awkward or shy or what ever term you want to use...then your relationship has not reached that point where you should try it...it takes a lot of trust in your partner to do chastity and as weird as it sounds she has to have trust in you as well....if you don't trust her to be that open...well...

 

Thank you this was very insightful and informative

 

I think this as over simplifying and generalising a lot of relationships.
I do actually agree to some extent. In a relationship you certainly should be able to communicate freely without feeling ashamed. That’s not always the case however, and chastity can be an excellent tool to break cycles. Not just of masturbation etc but in a relationship; of just doing the things you’ve always done. It ignites conversation. It prevents any feelings being overcome with sexual satisfaction… it puts you in a much better position to communicate. I don’t agree that if you’re shy about sexual discussion you should immediately be considering that chastity isn’t for you.

 

I agree with you and @wastlander2002. I think @wastlander2002 does raise a good point and I think you may be oversimplifying his point. He’s not saying “ if you are shy then chastity is not for you”. He’s suggesting that you get your house in order first. You don’t need to have it perfect but I’m learning that a big part of MC for many is linked to desire for self improvement- for self and relationship. If your relationship is struggling then chastity cages could help guide the ship it but it won’t correct a ship going in the wrong direction. You need to at least get the ship pointed in the right general direction before introducing cages. A good way to do that is to start practicing careless chastity and open up communication about that and sex. The cage can’t be the first thing.

 

Yes, I agree! @IB-Chaste, if I remember correctly, had a good marriage with ongoing active sexuality before they introduced chastity in their relationship. I think you and I had quite a bit of brokenness in our marriages as it relates to intimacy. We need(ed) to turn those things around. Trust is a HUGE factor! D and I could never have started with chastity if there wasn't trust. I've become hyper-focused on transparency & truthfulness with her.

 

Firstly, let’s discuss the original point. Chastity doesn’t have to start with a cage. It can start by thinking ‘things could be better, I’m going to put aside my own selfish behaviour for the benefit of the relationship.
I personally, believe that the minimum entry requirement is mutual respect for one another. That’s it. Even if the trust is broken, but the relationship still remains intact… it can still be beneficial.

Why can’t chastity be the first step? Why can’t putting your other half’s desires and considering their needs first be your starting point?
There only has to be one limitation. Chastity won’t suddenly create a different partner. There won’t be a massive shift from vanilla to kink, they are who they are. Chastity can merely start with respecting that.

I think this demonstrates it perfectly. Absolutely different starting points but the results are the same: an improved relationship.

So, if I’m giving the impression that @wastlander is incorrect, I think it’s only because his opinion is only correct under certain circumstances. I actually agreed with him to some extent.

 

Nicely written. I’m glad I broached the topic with my wife as we have been able to be openly talk about it and we otherwise wouldn’t have. That has really helped.