Your Wife is Not Interested in Sex

Discussion in 'Journals and blogs' started by littleguy3, Dec 9, 2022.

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  1. littleguy3
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    littleguy3 Adoring husband

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    #1 littleguy3, Dec 9, 2022
    I've heard many men here on CM mention that their wives aren't interested in anything sexual. There have been many suggestions from the community on what to do under these circumstances. I came across this summary in the book, "God, Sex, and Your Marriage" by Juli Slattery that I found to be extremely helpful.

    "Female sexuality and pleasure patterns are complicated. A woman’s sexual response will be impacted by:
    1. hormone imbalances,
    2. a lack of emotional connection,
    3. body image,
    4. past trauma,
    5. fatigue,
    6. the need for control, and
    7. underlying beliefs that lead to sexual shame."
    I know the first and second reasons have been discussed and mentioned repeatedly, but maybe we need to look deeper and probe further into our wive's psyche to find the full story of her dis-interest. Juli says, "In almost every marriage, one spouse will need to nurture the sexual desire of the other. This may include communication, counseling, patience, and learning to trust through non-sexual touch." She also notes that often but not always the man has a spontaneous libido while the woman has a responsive libido. I've learned that I need to take full responsibility most often to light & ignite the desire for sex in my wife.

    Hormones are a hidden thing that we can't generally influence but an imbalance can leave us feeling grouchy, unhappy, depressed, etc no matter what our circumstances.

    Emotional connection requires us to find and understand our partner's love languages and almost always involve enhanced communication couched in kindness and empathetic/sympathetic expressions of love. In my marriage, there's lots of thoughtful conversation triggered by questions that I come up with, frequent words of affirmation, and acts of service.

    Body image - for my wife, it meant no longer looking at any visually stimulating images outside of my wife and praising her for the beauty within. It was amazing how much more attractive she became to me. And she needed to hear about it and see it reflected in my gaze and body language. She has responded incredibly well. She also loves when I take an interest in helping her buy clothing that's attractive on her.

    Past trauma - this can be from relationships and abuse prior to our relationship together, but it can definitely be from things I've done to scar her emotionally. She remembers the things I've said & done that hurt her. Only through walking through those issues with me & possibly a professional can she find healing.

    Fatigue - is she carrying too heavy a burden with work and responsibilites? Can I lighten her load? Or could it be related to hormonal issues possibly from a medical issue?

    The need for control - this ought to be easy to spot. I've found I need to give her complete control in the bedroom even though I'm responsible to attempt to initiate sexual pleasure for her. She may already have initiated things by teasing me but if she doesn't and fends off my efforts, then we're done and it's time to either go to sleep or get up and make the coffee.

    Sexual shame - this will require some careful and delicate questioning to uncover. She may need convincing to seek professional help. You might need to appeal to her from the standpoint that you want to be able to love her more fully and have her feel your love through satisfying intimacy. This one's complicated and may require a lot of time.

    If you've delved into all of these areas, are doing everything you can personally, and find that she's refusing to seek professional help, then it comes down to whether or not she's committed to your marriage and your wedding vows.
     
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  2. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    #2 Jessica Alexander, Dec 9, 2022
    Getting her to seek professional help can be extremely difficult. People resist putting energy into fixing something that they don’t see as being a problem.
     
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  3. littleguy3
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    littleguy3 Adoring husband

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    #3 littleguy3, Dec 9, 2022
    Agreed!
     
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    #4 stallionBoi, Dec 10, 2022
    Well said...

    From a guy's perspective, a wife's lack of sexual interest is a big problem... From her perspective, the guy's obsession with sex is the problem.
     
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  5. cj0434
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    cj0434 Active member

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    #5 cj0434, Dec 16, 2022
    This is really good and well written. Sure makes me think about how I can better support her.
     
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  6. madams-sissysub
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    #6 madams-sissysub, Dec 16, 2022
    well put!
     
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  7. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    #7 Nicoftime, Dec 16, 2022
    You forgot one of the major ones…she can’t be sexual with someone she’s pissed at, annoyed by, frustrated with, or generally sick of looking at.

    Let’s face it, couples do not always communicate, even or especially when they have a problem with the other. Everything might be little…but they add up, and the thought of sex is like NO WAY!

    My first wife was a master at holding everything in, getting more upset and more upset, until the very sight of me made her want to roll her eyes. What was the thing that made her finally say what was wrong…it was that I said I was going to put some new calk around the tub but had not done it yet. Eventually after fighting over why that was a crazy thing to be that mad about, I learned more. She was feeling unappreciated for all the things she does while I was on the road working, she thought all I thought of was myself when I got home by sleeping and playing with the kid, that i ignored things that needed to be done around the house and was careless about doing them. She mentioned half a dozen other things that were fairly similar. The point being is that even though individually none of these would keep someone from feeling attracted to someone. Collectively they made her not want to be around me.

    If she would have talked to me about these issues when they came up I would have been able to tell her my side, and she would have either understood why we didn’t share priorities, or she at least would been able to vent her frustration and get the concern and appreciation she was looking for.

    As far as I know in my experience, women have a difficult time compartmentalizing sex by itself. I on the other hand can forget about everything else, even if I’m pissed at her, and focus on our pleasure. They sometimes have difficulty separating life from this aspect.
     
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  8. littleguy3
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    littleguy3 Adoring husband

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    #8 littleguy3, Dec 17, 2022
    Wow! It sounds like you learned a lot from that relationship! Has that helped with subsequent relationships?

    I wonder if the author would try to suggest your first wife's issues were partly due to the lack of emotional connection.

    My wife had a trust issue with me; she didn't feel I was a safe person to share her personal feelings with. Once I became open and transparent and we connected emotionally, our intimacy flourished.
     
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  9. Arlentia2
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    Arlentia2
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    #9 Arlentia2, May 12, 2023
    This is so true - last night my husband gently mentioned that I seemed happier since chastity (April1) and wondered if that was true and why, and my instant response was that it was because the placemats are always clean now. Not the answer I think he was expecting but I hate feeling like a maid and cleaning up after other people, to me people not taking the time to clean up food and trash that they generate is a sign of disrespect. He doesn’t see it this way so it’s hard to relate. But since chastity he just remembers stuff - remembers to turn off the lights, open the shades, clean up after himself and the kids, call the plumber, whatever. So, I don’t walk into the house and instantly get irritated at how thoughtless and selfish everyone is.
     
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  10. Deleted member 100175
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    #10 Deleted member 100175, May 12, 2023
    Amen to this whole post - easy for men to forget IMO

    We have a phrase used in UK law courts around X number "of previous offences to be taken into consideration" & whilst I've never been busted for any single major thing I frequently fall foul of a compound effect! :D

    See also: death by a thousand cuts ...
     
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  11. littleguy3
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    littleguy3 Adoring husband

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    #11 littleguy3, May 12, 2023
    That's it!
     
  12. littleguy3
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    littleguy3 Adoring husband

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    #12 littleguy3, May 12, 2023
    That's it!
     
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  13. cj0434
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    cj0434 Active member

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    #13 cj0434, May 13, 2023
    I shared this with my wife and she responded with: I can so relate to that!
     
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