Dominant women who want to please submissive men

If we assume that most self proclaimed submissives are not actually submissive, then having a "dominant" who frequently indulges their various kinks could make them happier than having an actual Dom. The "sub" would be getting an experience that is closer to their fantasy than reality and that fantasy is what they want. If they got reality, they could be disappointed that all of their kinks aren't being systematically explored and indulged as if it were supposed to be all about their wants and "needs".

 

I definitely like when my wife wants me to do something I want to do too but I don't want her desires to be my desires. I want her to take what she wants regardless of what I think. It's when I do the things I don't want to do that I get the most out of being submissive. I definitely agree with you. To each their own but I want her "cruel" and selfish most of, if not all, the time.

 

What about a middle ground?

Mutual respect and mutual needs being met?

It seems to me that unless someone is into extreme stuff like the Cymbians then a middle ground is most likely.

I for one want to please my Domme but I’ll admit I have needs. And they need to be met. Now I’m not saying they take priority, but I’d be lying if I said I can simply ignore them.

So I put who I serve first. And I appreciate someone who can balance needs and make it all work without anyone feeling up satisfied. Better yet if it can be done without a lot of conversation. But that usually takes ive.

 

It takes two to tango. I guess people migrate to the ones who will give them what they want. There's a lot of position-taking and game-playing in most relationships. People work out a way that suits their needs. It doesn't need to be true, it just needs to satisfy.

 

Of course I want to do what turns me on, but what I really want is that those things to be what turn HER on. I fantasize that they are, mostly they are not. Although I have noticed in a few years we have went from her indulging in my fantasy, to indulging in hers. And even if it started out as something I never wanted, now that she was open about it and said she wanted it, I have grown to like it.

For example maid service. We had a long discussion when we started about limits and turn ons. I discussed my gender issues, but in no way was I going to be a maid or a servant. There were a few other hard limits as well. One day she sends a meme with a male maid, then another. I wrote it off as a joke since we already talked about it. After the 3rd one, which was right in the middle of some very sexy texting, I asked if that was something she wanted. She said kinda, but you said it was a hard limit. I told her I would give it a try. Although I felt ridiculous, and all other sorts of things, I have grown to enjoy it because she liked it.

Months later she admitted that it’s something that turned her on the most...we don’t even have sex when I’m the maid. Her telling me how much it turned her on, has flipped a switch in me, now I look forward to it with sexual anticipation, because it pleases her.

I had thought chastity and her being in charge would lead to peggings, daily teasing, her touching it all the time, and telling me how to excite her. Which is exactly how it was for the first year. Then more toys and less me, less teasing and touching me and more me pleasing her, no pegging, and she expects me to act without being told. I definitely had a vision of what I thought this was going to be about and we are definitely not doing almost any of it, and what we do is stuff I never would have done or would even want.

Yet I couldn’t be happier. I did in fact get my way, because I wanted someone that takes charge, and by damn she did. It wasn’t all of a sudden, or you are doing this, or get on your knees ... yet here we are, doing the things she enjoys, forgetting about mine, and I’ve gotten to actually get turned on by hers now. Granted, convincing a horny guy to do something isn’t hard, but still, we are so far from where I thought I wanted and exactly where she wanted, and barely a clue any of it wS her idea. Either it happened naturally, or she’s like an evil genius.

 

I can see what you're saying but I disagree. When we started chastity play it was for me mostly, I think. There was a lot of topping from the bottom and me wanting her to do what I wanted. As things changed she started taking more control, and I focused on not topping from the bottom, our relationship shifted more to a what I consider a true FLR. Now that it's little about what I "need" and more about her I'm much happier and I think she is too. As I learned to let go of "needing" to be satisfied I started getting more and more out of being submissive. We're closer now and our relationship is better in and out of the bedroom than it ever had been. Limits I thought I previously had have been crossed time and time again, things I want I don't even mention anymore, and I couldn't be happier.
I think it's about fantasy vs reality. In your fantasy it's always what you want but you can't really be submissive if it's ever about you. There's a lot to gain by letting it all be truly about someone else. While it was hard for me to step off that ledge, it is definitely worth it!

 

In a relationship partners do stuff for each other. Stuff that makes the partner happy. My KH does a lot for me and I try to do stuff for her. She enjoys being dominant. I tend to top a lot from the bottom but she doesn't listen to it very much and I am severely restricting myself. Last time (a week ago) I asked for permission to discuss in a months time so no topping, suggesting anything for a month.

 

Mutual pleasure indicates a good match, regardless of elements found in the power exchange.

 

These posts express my feelings -- we men start out full of chaste fantasies of dominatrixes and what they'll "do" to us, but the fantasies themselves are just gateways that feed our real fantasy: to submit. I think most us who are chaste are just looking to submit to our wives. And that's why we see so many threads that also discuss some husbands' unhappiness that their wives are not doing more, dominating more -- these husbands are just wanting to submit to whatever it is she wants as long as she'll want and demand and require something.

 

I wouldn't say that these dommes aren't necessarily dominant but they are not as confident in showing their dominance because it's been stifled, undiscovered or not needed most of their lives. More time is needed to build the confidence that's expected, even then maybe these women are comfortable with a little dominance versus a lot. I would also say there's a desire to make your partner happy especially in a marriage and that might include compromising and giving into some of their sub's desires even if it's not the domme' desire. So I think the D/s relationship isn't as simple when you throw a long term relationship into the mix on top of many couples being inexperienced with chastity and/or bdsm. Everybody has a role to learn, some people understand that better than others and figure it out much sooner. Others are slow learners and some just never figure it out.

Just to play the devils advocate I know there are plenty of couples out there where this is more of a game than a lifestyle. A bit of kink with a side of chastity just to spice up their sex lives and don't care to hold the kind of "dominance" we come to think should be the norm. All of this is okay as most things in life are truly lived across a apectrum versus being just black and white. There's nothing wrong with having some fun and not living chastity as a lifestyle.

It's not okay when someone gets hurt or taken advantage of because one partner wants to be selfish and the whole chastity thing is a guise. Under which it's just to fulfill only their personal desires, it seems that some people are willing to destroy long built relationships just to live out unrealistic porn scenarios, fantasies and to watch their dominant partners be taken by "bulls"... often those so called "subs" are dictating every move.

@L-u-c-y you are special, you've known what you've wanted for a long time and you make the men that want to, work around your wants and needs (from the sounds of it obviously I don't know you personally). The type of natural confidence I see you exhibit in your posts is rare and most people won't voice themselves like you do. I definitely believe you're on the higher end of that dominance spectrum and perhaps you expect more from other women once they decide they want a dominant role.

 

It is very satisfying to please ones partner but pretending to be someone or something one is not can be a very lonely empty feeling. If males want to satisfy their partner (on her own terms) I suggest that a woman let them, but not at her own expense. The whole dynamic can be self defeating as Mistress discerns......

 

I used to have all these fantasies of what being submissive (or a slave) would be. That was before I got married. I eventually learned that what turns me on is doing what she wants, not doing what I want or dictate from the bottom. For me, the former is more real while the latter is less so. That said, I do hope that from time to time I get a reward for good service.

 

This is a great question.

I think, it could be expanded to reflect what might be a natural progression over time. I think this would be a great topic for research.

I suspect that most relationships start as you describe. Partners are learning about themselves and each other.

A mature relationship may take the form you expect. If it doesn’t, is it less than worthwhile if it is mutually satisfying?

 

Believe it takes two to complete the relationship of the dominant /submissive roles. I most certainly would want my dominant partner to be pleased and served by me.

 

Identical twins are Identical in every way. If any one knows any twins you will know that that statement is completely false. No two people are the same and no two relationships are the same. What may be pleasureable to one person may not be to someone else. Just because a Mistress wants to give her sub pleasure doesn’t make it wrong it just a different way of living their life. It would be a very boring world if everyone was the same

As we have all seen Chastity and FLR can work in many different ways. To learn from others and push our own limits makes it even more exciting.

We are all “Uniquely Different “

 

It is a great question. I think that we, as a couple, have followed the same trajectory as others on here. My wife did it initially to humor/please me. Now, things are way different. My KH wants to be pleased and served. Period. This is not to say she is inconsiderate or unsupportive. @Domina-na-na is, but her pleasure is first and foremost.

I have openly admitted that I enjoy submitting to her even if it means it affects my schedule or desires, etc. Having her have me do something at her election feels good.

In closing, my personal opinion L-u-c-y is that you are wonderful in your pursuit of your happiness.

Thanks.

 

I don't know why. You're open about how you think, so anyone you let serve you should know what they are getting in to.

It is when someone is not open about their expectations that things can become a problem. If a woman is in a romantic relationship with a man and he's either emotionally or financially dependent on her and she demands that everything be about her pleasure, then that's abusive. (There is actually a situation like that described in the Journals and Blogs section and people here cheer it, so maybe I'm the crazy one)

 

@L-u-c-y my view is this. Real relationships are about give and take. If we use your framework, you desire a man who wants to want to serve you 100% completely without questions asked. You desire a man to show and prove that he will sacrifice his own personal pleasure and make you feel pleasure first, and once you have achieved the safety and security and your personal love "tanks" are filled, then in return you will consent to ensure that your partner (presuming male(s)) may receive the equivalent pleasure of the moment in return.

It was found scientifically, women require twice the physical and mental/emotional requirements in the brain to get the release that a man has on average. Some women need more, some need less, but it was also proven that all women who have those needs consistently met without loss of trust and hope can achieve the same state as men, and even surpass men.

So a truly independent woman desires and deserves a man that shows the patience and loyalty to achieve that since the stresses of real life create mini traumas require build up to achieve the state I just talked about.

The fun fact and find is, an alpha woman (such as yourself and others), when she is independent "and" achieves that with her mate (or multiple mates). Actually will over power "any" man 100%. This is why it is important that the man is all-in 100% and focused completely to ensure he has the mojo to drive it home.

So if a woman that is dominant and is in a place to support her partner in an equivalent pleasurable manner, it should be because the male partner has achieve a step up in service performance and relationship/partnership. It can also be because she has achieve the sexual, mental, and physical safety she is feeling. If she hasn't and it is coming from a place of non-strength not attached to a kink (e.g. a dominant women who say has a desire for aggressive sex), then it is bad and wrong.

The perfect scenario in my opinion is when two alphas tangle up, they both are 100% satisfied and they both match up libidos right. If the two have high libido's, chastity is not required as they should be able to go 1-2 a day daily, and the remainder of time is spent recharging for another go.

For those that are lower libido -or- mismatched, chastity may need to be used due to the information hits (porn) that one can have to relieve oneself.

On the flip side, if a woman meets up with a submissive male or one that is a proper switch, and the guy is honest and open with his emotions and feelings, she should treasure him because he is a unicorn. The hyper majority of men in our society are disconnected and have a chastity device on the mouth and ears ....

 

I never really think of my wife or myself as dominant or submissive. If I really think about, I think my wife is the more dominant of us. At least in non-sexual areas of life. In the sex department, she is really only dominant regarding chastity. She just really doesn’t want it any other way. But at the same time, she is not demanding of anything else. She is happy to please me as long as the cage stays on and we stay in her comfort zones (she won’t do bondage or other “kinky” stuff).

I am guessing that a lot of the women who are more dominant sexually still try to keep things fun for their man. And I am pretty sure most of the guys who come here find a sexually dominant woman quite exciting. A totally selfish, maybe even abusive, dominant woman might make for a fun fantasy for some guys, but in a long term relationship that would be awful. I think most dominant women are smart enough to understand this and make some adjustments to keep their man happy.

 

I would agree with you on that. People always seem to have problems excepting people that are different to them especially when they may threaten their power and control. No matter who it is Everyone Wants to be Right.

 

I think it's so nice being happy because you made someone happy. It's a learning process but it can beneficial for both partners! So, a dominant woman that is interested in the sub pleasing her shouldn't be seen as a "man hater"... It's just education for the sub.

 

That's because you are a true (and beautifully) dominant woman who doesn't define her dominance as pandering to faux sub partners.

 

I've concluded that the word "Dominant" isn't always to be associated with the word "Dominate". As in, dominant women don't always need to dominate in order to feel dominant.