Working out the dynamic

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by LockedByG, May 3, 2018.

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  1. LockedByG
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    LockedByG Member

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    Hello everyone,
    after some time i am coming to Chastity Mansion to seek advice again. I am 20 years old and realized that i should accept my sexuality now, because it will only get harder, meaning that i want to marry someone understanding and accepting of my sexually submissive nature. Someone i can be "myself" around. I don't want to be closeted for my whole life. I have had a relationship with a girl (21yo) for almost 4 years now. She was always so vanilla and had to be very patient for her to sexually open up at least a little. I introduced her to chastity about two years ago. She didn't enjoy it much, she liked to be orally pleasured, but there was no domination from her side (by a kinky person's standards), which made me feel happy anyway for a while but... strange later. Lately i initiated some talks about it, translating some carefully picked excerpts from a book made for couples and novice Dommes in this situation for her to read, trying to explain myself as well as possible. Trying to explain that i don't want to start living in some harcore 24/7 D/s scenario, but that i sometimes need to express myself sexually in a submissive nature - and that i am convinced that she might learn to enjoy it. That i am not expecting anything from her, that it is ok for her to go as slow as she wants and that it is ok for her to fail - that we can have a laugh about it.

    But she said she can't do it, that she "might be able to do it sometime in the future" (which i don't know how to understand), but that not now because she has to behave naturally in sex and this is not natural for her. Which i understand and accept. We decided to take some time off the relationship. She said she needs to think about it. She wants the relationship to continue and to start to live with me (i love her so much and always treated her nice tbh), but i don't want to start living with someone i can't be myself around. But to end this relationship when we both love each other just because of my weird fetish makes me feel really disgusted with myself. Not in a nice way.

    Do any of you have similar experiences? How did your relationships go? Were you able to "compromise"? Do you think Dommes are born or can they come to enjoy it later? I know it's individual but...thanks for any comments
     
  2. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Active member

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    To be honest, you can't make anyone do anything. If she genuinely says she can't do it, that's that. You'll destroy the relationship if you try to make her something she isn't.
     
  3. boisub
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    boisub Inaccessible member

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    You told her she might be able to learn to enjoy being more sexually dominant; she responded that she might be able to sometime in the future. So perhaps you’re not as far apart as you think?

    On the other hand, if you introduced chastity two years ago and she’s still just not into it, and isn’t interested in being at all dominant, maybe that is a good indicator that it just won’t happen in this relationship.

    However this works out for you, please please please don’t go thinking that your “weird fetish” makes you unworthy of having a happy and sexually fulfilling relationship. Hopefully it can be with this woman who you love and have put in some time with, but if it doesn’t work out that way, don’t subsume your needs to a relationship that will never meet them.
     
  4. LadyMoon
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    I've observed that many women who end up as dommes do not necessarily start out that way. Many of us are vanilla (or even submissive) for some time before we embrace our dominance. (Of course, others are dominant from the day they're born!) So, yes, I think people can open up to kink, on either side of the slash, later in life. It's totally possible.

    But I also don't think it's wise to assume that your girlfriend will be interested soon or ever. Take her at her word when she says "no," and decide if you can be comfortable with that. She might change her mind, but she also might not.

    Only you can decide whether your desires are important enough to seek out a mate (or mates) who can help you fulfill them. Only you can decide if giving up submission for your girlfriend is a compromise you're willing to make. But I'm with @boisub -- if submission is truly a need for you, you are unlikely to find long-term happiness in a relationship that doesn't provide that.

    My personal story is: I was in a vanilla, monogamous marriage for 9 years. About 7 years into it, I figured out that kinky and poly was how I was aligned. We went back and forth for 2 years in an attempt to reach a compromise. Our compromise was an amicable divorce, so that we could both find what we needed elsewhere.
     
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  5. simplysub
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    simplysub Junior Member

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    Vanilla or not the key to any relationship is the open and honest communication, even when the subject matter may be on the awkward side. In our case I'd had experiences with pro dommes back when. My now wife had been vanilla in her first marriage but did find my history more than a little interesting. She'd had some fantasies but never considered exploring them. Society, upbringing, they all come into play and it takes time to accept that nice people really can live by the rules they set. Discretion and safety of course are key elements of the foundation that go along with honesty.

    Talking, exploring and most importantly being patient and not trying to rush things is in our opinion the key. Pushing is okay but as has been stated in a previous post nothing should ever be forced. Take your time, keep the dialogue going and see where it goes. So often stated it's a journey not a destination. Good luck finding the path that works for both of you on what can be a very exciting adventure.
     
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  6. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Active member

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    I don't think it's either healthy or correct to try label your feelings a "weird fetsh." The feelings are part of you and you won't be able to suppress them. You can ignore them, especially when life gets busy, but they *always* come back, they will stay with you. You'll be conflicted and you'll have a hole in your emotions, maybe even hidden anger, if you don't own up to them. They're part of you. Does she love or only part of you?
     
  7. SubSnuggler
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    SubSnuggler Owned by Fiona with the Magical Velveteen Pussy

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    If ya'll don't connect sexually it's hard to see how that relationship that will work long-term. If the above statement is true instead of living together maybe you should take some time apart. You aren't weird, your fetish isn't disgusting, and living with someone that makes you feel that way (intentionally or not) is never going to work. Get comfortable with yourself, and then find someone that is comfortable with you too.
     
  8. demale
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    demale Active member

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    I admire your courage in acknowledging who you are and what you want. Had I done that when I was your age I would have spared myself and others a great deal of unhappiness. I now am completely submissive to my wife who accepts me as I am and understands that she needs to be on control for our marriage to survive. I am sure that you'll find a woman who is ideal for you. Best wishes.
     
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  9. boisub
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    boisub Inaccessible member

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    Seconded!
     
  10. PouchPantyLover
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    First let me say that this thread is what I love about CM. A resource, but also a place of compassion and acceptance. Secondly don't try to sweep who you are under the rug, especially out of shame. Long before I was into chastity I was into crossdressing. I exposed this to my girlfriend who eventually became my wife. She accepted it, even participated in some pegging with me dressed, but never really liked or embraced it. When my daughter was born I threw it all out. Probably $700 - $800 worth of clothing, lingerie, wigs, breastforms, etc. I wasn't going to expose my daughter to my disgusting fetish. I was good for 5 or 6 years, but then I found myself looking online. Started with a few panties and now a little more than a decade later I'm mostly re-stocked. You can't run from who you are.

    in regards to your relationship, as someone who has been married about 18 years I can tell you there are many things more important than sex. If I had allowed my GF's luke warm attitude towards my kink stop me from marrying her, I would have denied myself a wonderful marriage and a fantastic family. Only you can define the importance of these things, but don't fool yourself into thinking you're going to find someone perfect. Would it be better if she was a total Domme, but there was no love?
     
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  11. Bonobo
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    It’s a tough topic. My wife and I have been together for 15 years and she showed interest in the beginning. Over time the interest disappeared and I was so frustrated she knew my kinks and we had had discussions early on but it was gone. A couple of years ago I completely submitted and it took over a year but she has agreed to be a part of my kink. Since then the relationship has flourished and we could not be happier. I am not sure I would recommend a young person get to invested in a women that does not share the same desires. Life is short and we deserve to be happy.

    With that said I have had to learned to accept things for what they are and it’s not some porn fueled fantasy. That was probably the hardest thing to learn to do.
     
  12. At all Times
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    At all Times At all Times

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    I'm airing on the side of finding someone else who shares your kinks. As someone that has been married over 20 years to a very vanilla women, not really interested in much sexual activity at all, I would suggest finding someone with who you can enjoy a mixed and varied sex like, one that includes your submissive needs.

    Although my wife has never really said "no" to my submissive tendencies, she has equally never said "yes". I know that she only goes along with what she does to "please" me, but even this leaves me often feeling frustrated (not in a good way), dreaming of what it would be like if she were someone that encouraged and enjoyed having their husband submit to them.
     
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  13. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Active member

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    I agree and have the same fantasy and frustration with my wife at times. What I've realized though is that fantasy and reality are rarely aligned. To turn away from a real relationship simply because it doesn't measure up to a fantasy is going to leave the poor guy permanently alone. There's a fine line between settling and a healthy dose of pragmatism. Only @LockedByG can figure out which side of the line his relationship lands on.
     
  14. LockedByG
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    LockedByG Member

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    Hello everyone, thank you for you thoughtful comments, even though I didn't reply to them, I read them all and they helped me to think about the whole situation. I thought I would post a little update. We had a few talks with my girlfriend since I last posted and it turned out to be quite interesting. I decided to try to work on the relationship some more, because after all those years there is a level of trust that cannot just be established with anyone immediately. First thing is that she encouraged me to be honest and open about my fantasies and thoughts from now on. I will do exactly that, because if being myself would destroy the relationship then it probably isn't meant to be. The second thing is that she said that being dominant might be an acceptable game for her to play, but that she cannot live it like a lifestyle because she needs me to be dominant at times as well. I am ok with switching because I enjoy it as well, even though not as much as being sub. The main thought behind it is this: if I want her to do some things for me, it's only fair to repay the favor by doing what she likes as well. Even though my fantasy can be being subject to a perfectly dominant girl, I understand that she has fantasies as well. We'll see how it works out. I don't think she can be described like a 100% sub, so I am not that worried about that. She is vanilla enough and romantic enough to cancel proposing cuckolding as a possibility and I am not sure how I feel about it tbh. I think it's more common with older couples as well, maybe we'll get to it sometime in the future. That said, this weekend we planned a session where I will be the dominant and she the submissive. My hope is that it will get her to understand the sub role more. There is also a possibility that it will go terribly wrong but that's a risk we'll have to take. But if there's a compromise to be made, it's going to look something like this.

    Do any of you switch? I consider myself a more dominant person in normal life so it's not that difficult for me. How is it for you?
     
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  15. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Active member

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    Good on you, way to go. Sounds like you both communicated and listened well. Huge part of any successful relationship regardless of the sex. My wife let me take the lead in a situation once under the auspices of her learning somethings. I found it exceptionally hard. You have to be really creative and you have to be carefully monitoring your submissive to see what is working. You have to be flexible so that you can adjust to what works instead of sticking with a rigid plan. When we were done she told me she would never be submissive to me again. OK with me :+1:
     
  16. Mascara^Snake
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    Mascara^Snake Banned

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    When I was introduced to the concept of male chastity I was repelled by it. i thought he's lost his marbles. That changed after a while. I am a bossy domineering person by nature though so it suited me well once I understood it.
    If your girlfriend is not a bossy domineering type then it's unlikely that she will suddenly become one.

    (unless of course you follow all the instructions in the thread about how to manipulate your partner into a ruthless Domme type)

    I've ended quite a few relationships either because I was unable to express my kinks freely with that person or because they could not align with them. It's ok to do that. Life is to short to spend on compromising your passions trying to conform with social norms.
     
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  17. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Active member

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    as long as it's a mutual exploration, anything is possible.
     
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