Ways To Get Women More Involved in This?

It took a little convincing with me because I want to see him as a big, strong protector. I enjoy "the act which shall not be named in this part of the forum," but the conflict comes in when I think about having him bend me over and rail me at times. Because I do need that, occasionally. So if I'm keeping his manhood locked away, it can play games with a woman's perception of her man.

But I became convinced when he showed me this forum. I don't mean offense to the men who will take it here, but my husband is built like a linebacker, he looks like a Viking, and he did power lifting when we met. So when he showed me this forum, I saw all these guys who didn't impress me. I thought locking him up would mean losing him as an alpha male.

But I was able to change my opinion about this, and I accepted that I could lock him up and dominate him. This didn't mean he wasn't tough and resilient, but it only means I'm as tough, confident, and capable as I need to be to tame him. So now I view him as a weapon I wield; like a beast on a chain that only I can control. And when I want to dominate him, I become stronger. And when I want to be bent over, I can always unchain the beast.

But the cage makes him docile and puts him into a mindset of servitude. I think if women could see it from this angle, maybe they would be more willing to try it. But when we search for chastity online, we see "sissy" everywhere, and we see men as French maids, or in panties. I'm very much into all of that, but the chastity culture drawing a firm line from chastity play to that kind of thing--not as an aside, but as a main feature--that can be very off-putting for a woman who is skeptical of losing her alpha male in the first place.

That's where the tough sell would lie, I think: getting around the overlapping interests that appear in abundance with the first google search.

 

There is a significant minority of straight women who are orgasmic, but aren't really into penetration, or don't get much out of it, and tend to go off it as they get older. I suspect that if they don't pair off in their early twenties (when everything is a sexy blur), then they withdraw from the dating world and stop thinking of themselves as sexual people. In an ideal world, they'd pair off with chaste men... but they'd be into chastity as neutering lite, rather than the keyholder style the OP and most chastity fetishists crave.

 

I completely agree with what @Madam Darling said: chastity is associated with loss of virility, whereas I think it is a game of complicity and loss of control, first and foremost.

 

It sounds to me like the confusion is in your own mind which may lead you to giving the wrong message to others. You say that you want an alpha male but later say you enjoy emasculating him. I'm guessing he struggles to figure out which role you want him to play on any given day.

 

If I hadn't first heard about chastity through a blog, and instead learned through pictures online, I would have run far, far away. 90% of chastity images are a complete turnoff. From the violence to the degradation to the sissy. I don't want to whip anyone, I don't want to call a man worthless, I don't want to force him to take a 12" dildo.

I first thought chastity was romantic, but nearly all the images and videos and stories online are about keyholders being mean. That has zero appeal to me. Even on this well-curated site, it's a struggle to fit in. It's no surprise to me that the vast majority of members are men.

I agree that there's false advertising with chastity that it makes him less of a man, etc. You can be a strong, assertive man in chastity. The cage is only emasculating if you want it to be. You lock up as a sign of love, devotion, and commitment. What could be more gentlemanly?

If we'd like more women to find chastity appealing, we're gonna have to dig deeper. I even hate the term neutering lite. The first site I found was called Kept For Her. That sounds so much better than neutering.

 

Hands up for @Goddess Gaia

Let me make a small addition on the term neutering.

I think it leads astray for two reasons.
The first is because it is a fantasy very much related to extreme bdsm practices, so very far from the core business of chastity play.

Second is because chastity develops its full potential precisely with arousal and desire, which must remain alive to be a renunciation/donation of one's kh.

 

I think you are spot on!!! But there are a sub-set of men on this site who are very much in line with your thinking. In fact, some of them are taking your advice and the advice of other females on this site to produce captions that are more along the lines of what you are suggesting. And yet we still have work to do to make it appeal to women.

I appreciate that you are a critical thinker and haven't given up. I discovered the very positive things that chastity can bring to a healthy relationship on sites like this because I learned to be like the revenue agent who is trained to spot counterfeit currency. I've heard they train them to see authentic currency extremely well and not to see all the possible imperfections of counterfeit. By learning what's authentic, you can easily pick out the counterfeit. For me, chastity was a new twist on sexuality that I never considered before i.e. denying oneself for the pleasure of your partner. It also offerred other positive benefits such as teaching me self control, enhancing my behavior, enhancing our sex life, removing expectations for my wife to please me, etc, etc, etc.

Take all the benefits and continue to be a voice for the positive! You are contributing to the community, helping others, and inspiring change!

 

I often tell my wife that I want my orgasams and physical pleasures to be shared/controlled by her. My lack of willpower would be helped being caged. She has concerns that the cage could injure me, which did happen and she doesn’t like grabbing a cage.

During the week I’m going to test locking up when I first get up and unlock before I go to bed after rubbing her feet (try not to play with it during the night) failed so far, but have not cum. On the weekends stay unlocked. Of course she can ask me to unlock/lock at anytime for play.

I guess each relationship is different and you have to find what works for her.

 

Thank you for taking the time to write down your thoughts- it is great to hear from you and Madam Darling's perspective. I have been a little vocal lately saying similar things about the overriding theme of sissification/emasculation and or extreme long term denial. I was and still am a bit worried that the group will have enough of my comments and boot/ignore me but if that should happen so be it. To see others speak up and give their viewpoint, especially from women who are so underrepresented on this site, is refreshing.

The question of how to get more women involved runs so counter to so many of the topics here. I would NEVER want my wife to find this site- I think it would shatter any chance of this being a lifestyle for us. I feel a big step was this new forum. I am beginning to learn the effects of living in the modern vacuum we have all built. Whether it is political, your favorite car brand, town or whatever the topic at hand we can now surround ourselves with a support system to reinforce our ideals. You can join forums and subreddits and subscribe to blogs and watch partisan news/political shows and channels. Over time the reinforcement of ones ideals is powerful, and possibly/probably delusional. I was that way with MC. When I spoke of it with my wife I was so enthusiastic, I never dreamed she would be so off put at first, boy was I naive. It was a big duh for me. In business I have learned to step out of my role to see the viewpoint of the client/prospect I am working with- to see why they feel the way they do about the subject. It helps to tailor my approach and services to meet their needs and that has helped my business quite a bit. It never dawned on me to do the same with my wife. I had found a shiny new toy and loved it so much I couldn't wait to show off that new toy not realizing others may think it's a pretty crappy toy without understanding it. If you want to get more people involved don't start with the extremes of what it can become...

 

I never used the word, emasculate. I think the only confusion is that you don’t understand that feminization can be an empowering process if you value femininity as a point of strength. I want him to keep his penis, and I want him turned on by wearing sexy things for me. I want him to have MORE confidence through my encouragement and my own intimate response to him dressing like this for me.

There is absolutely no confusion on his part about what I want for him. That’s very presumptuous and silly to assume. Being an alpha male has nothing to do with what a person is wearing.

 

Well said, as my wife doesn’t get excited with what I wear. I will wear a black apron naked butt showing when cooking and naked when rubbing her feet. She likes seeing my arms flex, tried wearing a pink apron, she asked if I was confused

Every relationship is unique. I do believe both partners need to be enjoying the fun and the fun should grow the relationship.

 

LLW and HLH?
I don't feel Sissy/Fem is the focus of this site unless that's what you focus on. Live and let live

 

@Madam Darling Thank you for your insight. May I ask some follow up questions?

Madam Darling
Speaking in generalities, as I know there are outliers, but women want the alpha male for the most part. We want doers. And not because they are doing for us, but we want men to be doing for themselves. And to try to reign that in, especially in such an intimate way, can be very difficult to justify because evolutionarily, we are choosing a mate based on him passing on successful genes of more happy, healthy "doers."

Jay
Yes, spot on. My wife doesn't want a sub, never did. But she likes that I wait for her, and the benefits that brings. Her Knight in a Shiny Armoured Cage

MD
If chastity was more widespread, there are many women who would get more than they thought possible in a relationship, but no one I've spoken to about this outside of this forum has really interested at all. It sounds fun to them as a temporary tease game, but they don't seem interested in a lifestyle with chastity involved.

J
What turned you around?

MD
I've spoken about it to a few different women, but it's always a very tough sell because even the dominant ones don't really picture her sexual experiences with her partner having his dick locked up.

J
Not big into denying herself just to keep me locked longer, wants normality when she is in the mood for piv

MD
So I don't know how you would get more women into this type of play, but it will take much more than passing out fliers. What do you think is in it for the woman that should make us more interested? I only started with it because my husband was into it, but he had to do a lot of convincing for me to get involved at first.

J
What was his approach? Sounds like he made a lot of mistakes at first that others could learn from.

 

Sorry you've mostly answered this

 

I can very much relate to this, my wife had some of the same thoughts about it challenging the concept of masculine, strong protector. Chastity initially really does challenge the status quo of masculine/feminine role casting. Like your husband, I am tall, built, type A, leader.

But clearly saw in myself areas to improve and grow and provide containment (support, protection, emotional and physical support, etc) for my wife. If anything, my wife realized that through my vulnerability to open up and express my desires, I was able to be even stronger than she thought.

Introducing chastity and talking about what we could each get from it brought us closer, made us aware of dynamics and behaviors we exhibit with each other (putting up walls, not communicating, making assumptions, judging, etc). We had been working on all of this prior, but this created an interesting breakthrough to help us grow.

All of the noise out there about chastity is quite unfortunate. And it is a LOT of noise and so misses the point of what could be a fantastic opportunity for mutual self growth and deeper connection. Is chastity required for that? No. But I will say that it is a huge growth step if a) the man can introduce this desire and b) his spouse can put down judgement and explore it with him.

It can take tremendous courage, confidence, trust and leap of faith to introduce chastity in the midst of all of the crazy messages about it. And the very things that have driven isolation within the couple (shame, feeling unworthy, self judging) are the very things that need to be overcome by both to explore and try it. He has to have clarity around what he can genuinely benefit from it, be vulnerable to explain that and be honest, and she has to be open to not judging about it. Which is especially hard with all the crazy stuff (meme's images, videos, stories, etc) that are out there. She has to look within and past her own "good girl" inner voice telling her things like this are bad, her own pleasure and desires are bed, and truly listen to his desire, her desires and how they can both benefit. Desires are manifestations of unmet needs...they deserve recognition and consideration to help move into, through and past to allow for growth and healing. Keeping these desires bottled up, shaming them, etc, only perpetuates the problem.

And that in and of itself is a growth journey of the individual and the 'we'.

And isn't that sexy if he can communicate his desires, admit his needs, admit what he has identified within himself and trusts you to help him grow? Seems like icing on the cake of an otherwise already physically masculine man.

I love the image of "the weapon that you wield". Alignment of a couple and appreciating the attributes of the divine feminine and diving masculine intertwining to make each other stronger is a wonderful thing. Men feel they need to be strong and independent, but also need to get their softer needs met. Femininity needs a stronger presence in relationships and not locked away and denied. There is a lot more strength and power to the feminine than society allows.

Yeah, makes sense. Very very poor marketing.

 

But isn't that what makes it so annoyingly enjoyable / frustratingly fun?
Will she? Won't She?
Will I? Won't I?

I see most of the "enjoyment" of being sexually denied coming from the prolonged periods of anticipation, uncertainty, and surprise.

 

I wouldn't say he made any 'mistakes,' really. His approach was just to tell me about what chastity was, and why it was appealing to him. He mentioned being a virgin until he was married at 23. He told me that chastity play gets him back into the mindset of his very early adulthood, and that his unfulfilled desires makes him feel closer to his partner because it brings him back to a headspace where he needs to make real effort to impress her. He enjoys courtship and earning the favor of a woman more than sex appeals to him.

He's a musician. He told me he loves practicing with a band much more than he enjoys performing with one. And in the same way, he enjoys "earning" sex more than he enjoys having sex.

But I don't think he'd made any mistakes in his approach as much as it just took me a while to understand his motivations, and how those could align with my perceptions of him.

 

My apologies! I must have mis-understood the following statement "But when we search for chastity online, we see "sissy" everywhere, and we see men as French maids, or in panties. I'm very much into all of that...". It seems to me an alpha male is at odds with a sissy. But I must admit that the rest of your sentence after what I quoted above didn't make sense to me so I may have misunderstood given the context. Can you share your definition of an alpha male?

 

Alpha Shmalpha...Beta Shmeeta....it's all a load of subjective dick shaming balderdash.

 

What about an alpha male who gets off on being humiliated and thinks, right or wrong, that being dressed as a girl pushes those buttons. Does that make him a sissy by nature? Less masculine? I think not. People like kinky shit. It's just that simple, and people are complex.

 

I misspoke there due to an unclear antecedent. I'm not into sissies. I hate the term because it implies weakness as a result of femininity, and I'm very much opposed to that idea. I don't allow my subs to use that word, and the "sissy" attitude is not what I'm into, at all.

An alpha male is someone who is confident without being domineering. He is seen as an automatic leader whenever he enters a room because people are attracted to his insight, and look forward to his thoughts, especially when solving problems. He treats people with extreme kindness and he bolsters and supports those who may be less confident around him, without patronizing. He enjoys doing things that help the group succeed, and doesn't always need to take credit for positive outcomes, because he is confident enough in his own abilities and leadership qualities, and the doesn't need constant external validation. But at the same time, he won't back down from conflict, though he avoids physical confrontation whenever possible, because he doesn't need to 'flex' to gain compliance.

But an alpha male will also do or wear anything his partner requests, if it's from a place of genuine interest, because he strives to make his partner feel cared-about and engaged. And he'll do it with pleasure and confidence.

The first time he put on a garter belt for me, I was smitten because he was so confident, and his attitude made him look insanely sexy. That was the day I knew he was a genuine alpha male.

 

I fully understand now what your perspective is. Thanks for elaborating. I certainly don't have a problem with it.

I think one of the poster's positions was that many women coming to this site would be turned off - "run away" - if they saw caged men in panties in a caption image when they first came across chastity on a website.

 

Right. But the question remains: How do you get us involved in chastity play when all of the information out there seems to point to a secondary kink that not everyone here would enjoy, and which many women find to be off-putting.

And I'm not sure there's an easy answer when the culture is as it is.

 

Overcoming the available information (from a Google search), cultural and societal norms (good girl/boy effect) makes it a huge hurdle.

I took it in a slow evolution, starting with striving to change our dynamic to create more equity in our relationship. De-emphasize the focus on male sex and orgasm, create an environment to theoretically allow the feminine to flourish. With lots of self discovery for both of us, understanding ourselves, our hangups and things that put up walls. Break all of that down, get rid of shame and judgement. That creates a more open playing field where ... pick a topic, BDSM, chastity, cross-dressing, etc, can be looked at objectively and not judged or viewed through a lense of "that's bad, I don't do that because I'm good". And maybe that's the first step, is not about the desires or kinks themselves (kinks are good, btw) but about gaining objectivity to look at these things non-judgementally.

It wasn't until we read Kasia Urbaniak's Unbound that all of this really started to make sense and the edgy stuff started to click. And the re-definition of dominant and submission. These aren't taboo BDSM terms, they are terms to describe where we have our attention focused. I'm focused on you (dominant), I'm focused on me (submissive). And then unlearning that I need to judge myself and be someone else's definition of "good". Especially women were taught what it means to be 'good', and surpress desires, especially sexual ones. Women (and men) often don't know how to express desires (if we even know what they are), much less give ourselves the permission to express them and ask for them to be realized. And how to go about asking and negotiating for having them met. To kinksters this is all basic stuff, but for vanilla people it's mindblowing to realize.

Chastity, added to this new mindset, creates a wonderful playground to explore the dominant and submissive mindsets, a play space for communication, vulnerability and shifting power dynamics. One of the most intriguing things about chastity for my wife is the tingle she gets at exploring her own power and opportunity to be dominant. She said it felt intoxicating to be in control that way. That's a whole new experience for her, and I'm excited to be part of it.

I guess any BDSM environment does this as well, but chastity does it real time, all the time, and in a very passive, always on way. It doesn't have to be saved for "play time".

Somehow I think all of this needs to be wrapped into a message to be taken to the public. To dispell the negative aspects and really reveal the positives.

I think the best thing dudes could do is go on their own journey of self discovery around their kinks and truly understand where they come from, what is driving them, and genuinely figure out how to pursue them. But it's not easy, there is so much psychology and baggage behind it.

 

Low Libido Wife and High Libido Husband
It is hard to find topics where those subjects and long term/permanent denial do not come up. I'm not the only person saying it...