Waiting to see what I've gotten myself into

WARNING: Too long, too many words! Didn't have enough time to make it shorter.

Prologue
We've been in a relationship for a few years, living together about half of that time. Overall, it's been fulfilling, and we've dipped our toes in a lot of different kink pools over the years. Apart from a basic nylon cuff system under the mattress though, there hasn't been much D/s in the mix. That seems to be changing.

I have an independent-minded streak a mile wide, and maybe because of that reason, I've had some interest in submission - probably the anxiety/adrenaline rush from giving up the power I like to hoard. But I haven't really acted on it before, because the stars didn't line up with anyone I trusted enough - and that trust level has to be maxed out.

Anyway, a little less than 2 months ago, I was browsing various kink-related links and ended up reading https://flrinfo.tumblr.com/ I thought it was interesting .... but then I put 2 and 2 together. When she and I play games, we'll often make bets to make it interesting. And one day a while back, she had surprised me when we were about to start a round of darts. She said if I lost, she wanted me to go a full 24 hours without, well...gratifying myself in any way. This was interesting, because it was totally unexpected. I'm closer to 50 than I am to 30, but my libido hasn't slowed down much. She never complained about my hobby before, so I was surprised that this was something she'd want. I didn't like the idea, but hey, it was interesting. So I agreed. And that turned out to be one of the rare times she actually won. It was a tough 24 hours, especially as I was not accustomed to having anything except unfettered access to myself. I asked what she was getting out of it, and she said something to the effect that she wanted to see if I could even do it...and that she got enjoyment out of watching me struggle with it.

So I remembered that bet, and then I remembered that on a couple of other occasions over the years, she'd propose a day or weekend of servitude/calling all the shots, as her prize for winning. I had taken those bets and even lost them...twice (definitely not on purpose, I'm far too competitive). Those weekends were mostly a lot of chores and drawing baths, which I will admit is not how I would have exercised that power, if I was in her shoes (she had made it clear she would not give me free rein as a prize if she lost, as she guessed that she would likely be pushed outside her comfort zone if I had that sort of authority. She was probably correct). But even though it was taxing and tedious a lot of the time, I enjoyed the dynamic - and the uncertainty of not knowing what was coming next, or what she might have up her sleeve.

So back to FLRinfo. Later that night we are relaxing with a nightcap and I'm catching a little buzz, so I send her the link and suggest she might find it interesting. There wasn't much ulterior motive behind it, other than to see if it piqued her imagination. She started reading... and then kept reading. And then the most surprising part happened - when she got to the section about chastity, she read parts of it to me and said she found that interesting (can't remember the exact words - but they were approving). I had truly expected her just to gloss over it without interest.

Now, I've been aware of chastity for a while but had never paid too much attention to it. I like new experiences, and there's an inherent forbidden-fruit appeal to me for all kinds of non-vanilla activities. But I like orgasms too much, and from my perspective, I want as many as I can get, not fewer! So chastity wasn't something that held a lot of inherent interest for me, and I had never brought it up with her before. So when she expressed an interest in it, my ears pricked up - I didn't think she was mentioning it because she thought it was what I wanted, but because it was her own interest. And when she finds something arousing, well...then I do too. I very much respond to her state of mind, and there are few things hotter to me than a partner asserting their own desires, taking ownership of them, and enjoying them.

So I start asking some questions to tease out what she was thinking, and kind of dancing around. And she opened up a bit and explained - if I'm remembering it all correctly - that it sounded like a pretty good gig. Ongoing attention, affection, and desire from her partner, and getting her whims served - what's not to like, right? And she went on that while she hadn't known about chastity, she thought that it made sense - take control of my libido to keep it focused solely and exclusively on her, and I'm liable to get very cooperative. And then she admitted that she also just thought it sounded hot.

Well, that was all it took to get the ball rolling. She'd apparently discovered an interest she didn't knew she had, and expressed it in a way that convinced me it was her own - and not "OK, I think you're dropping hints here, and I'm game to indulge you, so whatever, I can go along with it." She's not manipulative or cunning, so as best I could tell, this was genuinely her own interest. The call was coming from inside the house. Being all too happy to indulge her non-vanilla interests, it was game on.

The last 5 weeks have been quite a rollercoaster for us, and I will probably tell the rest of this fairly tame story since it's been quite a mindfuck....but this is just the prologue.

 

Before writing any more of the story, I'm going to share a few thoughts. I'm writing this mostly as my own journal or blog, since there's really nobody other than my KH with whom I can talk about these subjects. Feedback or comments are welcome, but I'm writing this as much to memorialize states of mind or experiences that I might forget. Which is why it's wordy and slow-paced...

But the more immediate reason is that over the weekend, I think a corner was turned. In a way that has me a little amped up with some anxiety.

When we started, it was very tentative. Chastity wasn't something I was aiming for, and although she was interested in it, neither of us knew exactly what to expect. But we decided to start going down the path and see where it led. I have a safe word, if at any time I need out.

I noticed this weekend that the language we use to discuss things has evolved. At first, we'd refer to everything as "our little game" or "experiment." The last couple of weeks, it's been our "arrangement."

That got driven home this weekend. She hadn't been very strict about rules and boundaries the first few weeks, and I got used to testing them from time to time. I can be difficult that way - but also because I've viewed things as basically a mutual game. While I was in the middle of fulfilling a number of orders on Saturday - as part of a punishment for breaking another rule - I got petulant and decided I wasn't going to comply with one. I expected some play-acting anger and finger wagging.

What I got instead was actual anger. She was legitimately pissed off at me - or at the least, acted the part far more convincingly than I think she's capable of. And this took me off guard. I immediately felt and acted contrite, and she ripped into me that I'm being difficult for its own sake, and she's had enough of it. She continued, and made it clear that what she lays down are not suggestions.

The next morning as we are laying in bed I made a remark about sleeping in some more. She laughed. "Oh no no no. You have an entire house to clean today. I'm going out to [x] and I'll be back around 5. I expect it to be done by then. Now here is specifically what you're going to do. And what you're going to be wearing while you're doing it."

It wasn't a comfortable afternoon, and I'm glad there weren't any cameras around while I was scrubbing the bathtub. I hate scrubbing things, which she knows, and why it was near the top of the list.

Before she left the house, I asked her about how she perceives everything. She said she has been enjoying all of it, and does not wish to stop. And then she volunteered that in her mind, if I were to use my safe word, she would assume that was more of "temporary pause to talk about something that went too far - but I'd assume everything would be back on the next day."

So, I cleaned the shit out of the house and made a really good dinner. She was apparently pleased by this - and combined with the fact that I'd started leaking after about 2 weeks, and her healthy interest in PIV - she let me out and we made love last night.

I found myself not really wanting back in the cage....no doubt due in part to the fact that she's taking to all of it pretty quickly, and asserting herself much more aggressively lately. I can see it has been less of a game for her than for me, lately.

I pushed a little and managed to get out the door to work, without the cage. She summoned me home for lunch and was in the mood for another round. Which I happily obliged - especially in light of the fishnet bodystocking she greeted me in. But afterwards she was aggressively insistent that the cage had to go back on. After the weekend, I was reluctant to push back. I was told the plan is not to be out of it before 2020 - although "there may some opportunities for you to earn an orgasm here or there."

So here I am. I got on this rollercoaster not knowing where it would end up, and it has started speeding up. I have mixed feelings about the denial and loss of power. It's certainly interesting and frequently exhilarating - but also difficult to the point of maddening at times. And some sort of milestone has been passed - she genuinely likes this, for her own sake. And she is internalizing it. It is all pretty early on yet, but I think something has been set in motion that just might be hard to stop. It's an interesting ride.

 

You're welcome, thanks for sharing your thoughts too. I knew when I gave a blanket consent back when it started, that there would be discomfort involved. And that things were liable to go in unexpected directions. I signed up for that, and I'm not hitting any eject buttons yet. But as soon as I saw that she has started to take it more seriously, I realized the stakes have gotten higher. The line between roleplaying and reality is going to blur a little more every day, in all likelihood.

I don't know how I feel about waking up one morning to realize there's no "game" or "experiment" any more....all in tiny steps that were barely noticeable at the time. But I'm not pulling the plug. What can I say? Confident, assertive women are so very, very sexy. And she is getting more confident and assertive as time goes on.

I enjoy that. A lot.

 

That's astute. I have learned more than a few things about myself already, and it's been one of the most interesting parts of the whole experience. When she was describing why she wants to keep this going, one of the first things she mentioned was that I have allowed a lot of vulnerability, which I don't usually do. And she feels more intimate in general....not to mention powerful.

I don't how secretly I was hoping for this - I think my motivation was more to find something that might turn her on, that I'd be willing to explore with her. It's not something I've brought up with partners in the past. Buuuuut maybe this is just semantics. Or maybe I'm just lying to myself! I suspect I'll find out either way...

 

I have to say, 6 years seems like a looooooong time right now. Mark this down as "famous last words."

 

It hasn't been a very eventful week, lots of holiday-related preparations and activities, mostly. When she is focused on other things, a lot of the dominant behavior falls by the wayside. The most obvious way that shows is that she tends to express herself through questions rather than statements or directives. Very much a learned behavior, starting at childhood - ex. "Can you clear the table?" rather than "Take care of these dishes and leftovers now." But she catches herself more regularly, and there were a few reminders in the last 12 hours that things are getting more ingrained.

* After we went out to dinner, she wanted to play some darts, which is one of our hobbies - and we will often bet on the games to make it interesting. We went to the nearby bar with a board and asked for a set of darts. They were checked out, but pool balls were available. She was disappointed. "Oh....do you want to play some pool instead then?" "Not really, n..." (I don't care for pool, never got into it, and I'm terrible at it). She caught herself and looked at the bartender. "Wait. Yes. Yes, we'll play pool instead. Give him your card."

* As it turns out, darts were available right afterwards, so we ended up playing. When we bet, I nearly always win. This time, she simply told me what the bet was going to be...and what the handicap was. It was sizeable. "If you win, you get unlocked for a free day. I'll have to think about what I get if I win... This isn't easy anymore, because I can already get anything I want from you."
She won. Barely. And was grinning widely. "This is a lot more fun now that I'm winning. You really don't like losing, do you?" This was said with malicious happiness.

* This morning was a bit of a kicker. She tells me she was having a vivid dream. "We were somewhere fancy, I'm not sure where. You were in your cage and mostly naked. You said you had something to show me and that I should try not to get upset. You took me to the bed and there was a man laying face down on it. I don't know who he was. I think he was a male prostitute. He started giving you a handjob over your cage and I stormed out and broke up with you. I was very angry at you. Now that I think about it, I don't think I was upset about the fact that you hired this guy - it was that you hired him for your own pleasure instead of mine. You weren't thinking about me. That pissed me off."

So apparently we're at the point where she's having dreams about me in a chastity cage, and getting angry when I'm acting selfishly. I'm not sure about the whole bisexual angle to it - that hasn't been a part of our relationship, and it's not something I've asked her about (FWIW, I've never been with a guy and would describe myself as straight...maybe heteroflexible at the most. Put a gun to my head and I'd pick Chris Hemsworth before, say, Paula Deen).

* She capped it all off by telling me she thinks I'll be staying locked up until I win a bet to get out. But she intends to keep making the rules and handicaps. I can still get away with sassing, so I said I don't think she can wait that long. "You think I like your cock enough that I'll just give in soon, because I'm a pushover? I have toys you know. Maybe I'll just learn to like them more. It seems like that's necessary."

So that's where we are today.

 

That occurred to me too, although she didn't go down that road when talking about it. We have dabbled in some consensual non-monogamy over the years, including MFM. They were fun, positive experiences, but not regular things. Just a few weeks ago she really surprised me by saying out of the blue, that she'd been imagining handcuffing me to a chair and riding me juuuust to the point of an orgasm, then hopping off and finishing herself off with another guy while I was shackled to the chair. I don't think that's a fantasy she's going to act on, but I've been surprised more than a few times since we started down this road.

We haven't tried the numbing cream - I don't think she's aware of that option and I've been loathe to suggest it! But she has had me use the strapon harness on her a couple times. That's a pretty hot but frustrating experience. The issue is that she says she prefers the real thing too much. Something about the heat and the pulsating...which I think means I won't be caged up for really extended periods. At least not yet, which I'm still OK with. Baby steps, you know...

 

She has been asserting herself more forcefully for the last couple of days, calling out minor rulebreakings and generally enforcing limits more strictly. But also more naturally - it's getting easier for her to be strict. I have some mixed feelings about this, especially what it means for my ability to turn the whole ship around, or otherwise keep some sort of hand on the wheel. The power is flowing out of my grasp slowly but steadily, it seems.

I'm also in for a tough time the next few weeks. We started down this road maybe.....7 weeks ago? So it's still fairly new. The longest I've been denied so far has been 13 days. That was tough for me. Right now it's been 7 days, and the pressure is starting to build. It comes and goes in waves, but each day they get more frequent and intense. It's manageable now but it won't stay that way. Unfortunately, it looks like I'm going to shatter the old 13-day record.

True to her word, last night she gave me an opportunity to win a release. It was a stacked bet, but I managed an improbable win that she didn't expect. Sooooo I won an entire free day. But I was told afterwards that it won't be until "sometime in the second half of January," and that there won't be any release before then. I'll be unlocking the "Nothing for a Month" achievement, I guess. This is going to be a challenge. She seems to be very comfortable with that, though.

The night wound up a little menacingly, after she spontaneously got her vibrator out and teased me with it - after her own climax, of course. "I think that just gave me a new kind of orgasm I haven't had before. That's what...5 for me since yesterday? And how many for you? Aww...that's right, none. This is working out really well!" The smug grin while she was saying this was too real.

 

Well, I'm back for the time being. I haven't been very cooperative for the last few weeks - which probably won't go over very well here, but c'est la vie. Right after New Years I was feeling some stress and frustration - part of it from life in general, part of it from the lockup. I felt that the chastity was being taken increasingly for granted; that the mentality seemed to be "let the device do all the work." Maybe my needs aren't supposed to be part of the equation, but...I wasn't at that point. Things weren't all that bad, but the denial frustration stayed constant, while the teasing (and, yeah, kink) was steadily declining.

So, about a month ago I had been free and unlocked for a couple days - can't remember how or why - but when she decided it was time to go back in, I just...refused. She was taken aback and not thrilled about this development. And things reverted pretty quickly to the pre-lockup dynamic. While I did enjoy my freedom again, January was still a rough month - missed out on a promising job opportunity among others, and the stress from my own business was taking a toll. Just not a good month all around. She and I stayed kind and supportive to each other, but it was a generally grim time.

We've been getting out of that trough, fortunately, and as I started to come back to life, she began mentioning chastity now and then. Sometimes I'd ask, sometimes she'd volunteer; she missed it and wanted it back, but wasn't going to insist. I entertained the notion, and a few days ago when I was feeling a little reckless, I offered a wager on the Super Bowl. If she won, I'd submit to lockup again - for a while, at least. She jumped at the chance.

Well, the outcome shouldn't be a surprise. Last night was the first one back in lockup, and I'm re-adjusting. I've decided that a month of lockup is enough not to welch on the bet, so I'm getting used to the idea again. I'm also resolving to be more cooperative this time - part of me feels obligated to resist and persuade her to let me out, but she finds this exhausting. But since I'm resigned to my immediate fate, I'll try to be a better sport about it. While I do appreciate the way chastity changes our dynamic and focuses my attention on her like a laser...the denial is pretty difficult for me. And unlike most couples (AFAIK), this has been primarily her wish, rather than mine.

It's an odd dynamic - she likes the focused attention. She also, by her admission, enjoys wielding the control and power over my sex drive, for its own sake. The low-level sadism that she hints at when telling me this is, I'll admit, kind of a turn-on - but she plays coy about it. She's not all that naturally dominant, and it's deeply ingrained in her not to assert herself strongly, or impose her will on me. So I think we are still working our way through how the dynamic can work well for both of us.

Anyway, I'm going into February with an open mind and a cooperative attitude. Not sure what's going to happen, but I hope it will be interesting!

 

That's interesting, thanks for sharing. I don't know where our equilibrium point will be, but then again, we didn't know quite what to expect when we got started a few months ago. I can tell that some roots made their way into her psyche though - whenever the subject was raised in January, her demeanor changed and lit up.

She likes this new toy, clearly - but she's still figuring out how to play with it. I do hope we find an arrangement that meets both of our needs long-term, because now that she's had a taste, I think she will be less happy without it.

 

Aaaaand away we go. After 12 days of confinement, we had a (planned) unlocking yesterday - and some pretty intense sex. She apparently enjoys the pent-up energy and, well, the fact that a few days of lockup tends to make me hard enough to cut diamonds. Multiple Os were involved, even though I also can't last as long when I've gone without for a little while. But it was a good time! We spent the rest of the day working around the house together, and I was told that the lockup would be back in effect after dinner, so I should enjoy the freedom while it lasted.

Dinner included a bottle of wine, and this got me into trouble. Her plan was that I was not to be let out again before March, and then during that month I could choose - twice - when to be let out for an O.

Well, we started talking about that plan and she mentioned that it wasn't really what she wanted - it was what she thought would be a reasonable accommodation. But what she wanted was a longer lockup. Since the first cage arrived back in...November?...the longest I've gone has been 13 days. And most of the time, the lockups were shorter than that. Usually a handful of days. Like 6 or less.

So we haven't really explored what the dynamic is like with a longer denial period. And apparently she wants to explore that. Not only does she want to see how it changes my attitude and behavior, she also wants to see how it changes hers - and whether she starts getting more comfortable wielding that authority. This is roughly how the conversation went at that point. The essential elements, anyway:

Me: "If you wanted to see what it was like going an entire month, I'm curious why you haven't just gone ahead with that."
Her: "I don't know."
"And it's what you still want?"
"Yes, I want to see where it goes. I'm worried you'll just get intolerable though."
"Well, in that case....alright. I think that'll be pretty hard for me, but I can try not to be difficult about it."
"I think I might get more used to being authoritative as time goes on. You might not like that. And for all I know, maybe I really enjoy how it develops, and at the end of the month, I decide I just want to keep it going."
"Maybe you will. I guess we'll see."

She seemed pretty pleased about this. I'm nervous.

After the key slid out of the lock on the Cherry Keeper, I told her that I hoped she'd at least be having me pleasure her - "At least one of us needs to be getting some - I don't think it'll go well if everything just grinds to a halt and it's a long dry month."

She kind of snorted/chuckled. "Oh, you don't have to worry about that."

So, now it's on. Unless something changes (which is a possibility, since she can get caught up in the heat of the moment when she wants intimacy), I'm starting my first month-long lockup and denial. I'm dry until March 24. This will be more than twice as long as I've ever gone before. I would be lying if I said there wasn't a part of me that got a charge out of the anxiety - but the anxiety is also there to give me some very mixed feelings about the door I've invited her through.

It's gonna be difficult. And interesting. Wish me luck.

 

Thanks for the appreciation. I know the story isn't as exotic as some here, but a year from now I could be eating those words. I don't know where this is going to take me.

It's an odd dynamic right now. I like trying new things, including (especially...?) kink-related, so I'm willing to see how this all unfolds, but I may regret that down the road if this turns out not to be reversible. Chastity is interesting to me, but it's not something I'm strongly drawn to. I still feel like it's a "game" or experiment - just something we are doing that can be set aside at any time. And that assumption may get me into trouble, because she is behind the wheel here. I may be back-seat driving, but it's still the back seat.

The dirty secret I won't confess to her - and I don't think she realizes yet - is that she has a lot more leverage than I let on. If she were to announce that there wouldn't be a relationship unless chastity and subservience was involved....I wouldn't end the relationship. That is a concern that I should probably be taking more seriously than I am. I always just assume I'll have an out, though. These may be famous last words.

Anyway, thanks again. I'm glad my anxiety makes for a decent read!