Waiting to see what I've gotten myself into

Sooooo about a week and a half ago she decided to end the streak, which fell just shy of 30 days. I'd never gone that long in my adult life without an O, so when it happened it was kind of overwhelming. A very intense experience to say the least. Since then, things have been busier, and last night she gave me the choice of having another right then, or sometime over the holiday weekend, "before you go back into lockup for a long time."

She was surprised when I chose right then. But the way I saw it, I'm starting to not like the post-O mood drop. For about 3 days afterwards, I'm not very motivated or cooperative. Then the pressure starts to kick back in and build up - it's usually around day 6 or 7 when I'm back to crawling the walls and much more agreeable. I will transparently curry favor whenever I can.

So I figured, if I've got to get through the 6 or 7 days of being flat and unmotivated, let's just get the ball rolling now.

What happens now is potentially interesting.

We have something like 4 or 5 chastity cages - a few cheapies, a Vice, and a Cherry Keeper. She was partial to the Cherry Keeper - good combo of hygiene, comfort, and security - but through a weird mishap it was damaged and broken recently. The cheapies aren't perfect fits and each one causes its own unique chafing and/or hygiene challenges. So as a result, there's been more free range/honor system time than she wants. And we both know that the honor system will only last so long.

SO, earlier this week she ordered a Kink3d Cobra for me - and it's supposed to be delivered today. She's eager for it to arrive, and has told me that since she expects it to be a comfortable fit that is easy to keep clean, her plan is for there to be a lot less unlocked time from now on.

When she was teasing me last night with the choice about my next O, she repeated this and told me to think carefully when I wanted my "last" orgasm. "You've got nothing to complain about, you've had it incredibly easy the last few weeks, unlocked as much as you have been. That's going to change when the new device gets here. I like the idea of setting new records. I can't tell you how long it's going to be, because I don't know, but it will be at least as long as the old record."

So we'll see. It can be hard for her to resist telling me to cum when PIV is happening and she's caught up in the moment, so I'm not sure we'll go as long as she is threatening....but she sounded like she meant it. Of course that caused the butterflies in the stomach - but we all know that little bit of fear from the power exchange is fun.

Wish me luck! The Cobra should be arriving tonight and she's eager to imprison me for a longer stretch. Hopefully, it'll be a comfortable cell to serve out my sentence...

 

And in all those words, I forgot that she also said I should expect to be pegged this weekend.

I guess "brace yourself" was the theme of the night, again.

 

The new cage, the Kink3d Cobra, arrived last Thursday. She has been quite happy with it so far, and it does seem to be worth the cost - it's comfortable, pretty secure, and easy to clean without giving too much access.
As we were checking it out for the first time, she mentioned that her hope was that it would fit well and be easy to keep clean - "Basically I want to just lock it on and leave it there pretty much all the time." Seems she felt I was having too much free-range time for comfort/hygiene/safety, with the earlier cages.

She is tightening the leash. I can't tell for sure if this is something she just thinks she should be doing, or is genuinely her own wish, but it's happening slowly either way. I'll describe some of the examples.

We like to wager on things to make our recreation a little more interesting - sometimes it's darts or pool, lately it's pinball of all things. Earlier on with our chastity play, she used to wager an orgasm for me - I might be able to win one that night, or that weekend. Then it morphed into "If you win, you can have one in the next 30 days. You can choose when, but that's it." (I still lost that round anyway). In the last month or so, however, she has decided that an O is too valuable of a prize, and she won't wager that anymore. She did agree to wager a coffee delivered to bed and a little oral sex while I'm enjoying the coffee...but only a little, and certainly without a climax. I did win that bet a few weeks ago, and managed to collect this weekend. It was great, despite the frustration of not getting to the finish line. But it seems that the days of being able to gamble on an O are over.

Another big restriction - when she started wearing the key again a couple months ago, she was interested in providing some nightly teasing - specifically, PIV, but only a few strokes. This sounded great to me, and she followed through for a while. That has changed with the new cage. I asked her how the nightly "3 strokes" was going to work if she wanted to keep the Cobra locked on all the time. Paraphrasing her: "Well it's not. That's over now. That was for the first stretch [I assume this meant the almost-30-days she started with when picking up the keys again]. But we're doing a new stretch now, and you had it too easy, so now the rules are different."

...which dovetails into the next issue. In the second half of May, after setting the new denial "record" of...27? days - she allowed a couple of other Os, after just a few days of denial. I didn't realize it at the time, but I think this was a conscious strategy - push a longer denial period, then allow a few within a short time, before pushing an even longer time. I've been told that I should not expect to cum again for a while - specifically, I can no longer even ask for PIV or even to be unlocked, before I've gone 45 days. She may decide to let me out if she wants PIV, but as she put it "It's a sacrifice for me too, because I like feeling you inside me. But it's more important to keep you locked now."

SO, now I cannot ask for PIV, let alone a climax, before July 10. She also made clear that does not mean anything will or will not be happening on July 10 - just that I can start asking then. But no more than once per day; if she says No, that's the answer and I'm not to press the issue. I suspect this pattern is going to repeat, and she'll be gradually pushing my limits. I also think she's allowing multiple Os in between these limit-pushing stretches, specifically in order to keep the frustration higher as I remember what I'm missing. Basically, getting me re-hooked before taking it away again, for longer.

That's where things are at now. The last time I came was 6 days ago, and that probably won't be happening again until at least the second week of July. I will probably have to get better at accepting the situation and just rolling with it - resisting and viewing it as an obstacle to be overcome seems like a recipe for a very difficult summer.

 

OK, it's only Day 7 right now, but it is...uncomfortable. I am wanting out right now, literally and metaphorically.

This should pass, but there is a hint of panic going on. What I promised her I'd do seemed abstract and, well, optional, when I promised it. The reality is a lot less optional, and is causing some distress.

Welcome to the consequences of my own choices, I guess. I need to find a way to come to terms with this and get some peace. And soon.

 

Man, I don't feel very lucky right now. I'm mostly feeling desperation, a raging compulsion to get myself off, and my blood running cold with the reality that I didn't appreciate earlier. I wrote checks that I don't want to cash.

Without the periodic unlocks that I'd been getting up until recently, this is a lot more challenging. And yes, there is a lot of throbbing and straining, which does not help. I'm usually pretty stoic, and this is testing me hard today.

 

Not helpful! A good caption just adds to the pressure. Gets me in trouble!

 

OK. I fucked up today.

This morning I was not handling the pressure and denial well, and I started playing with my cage - just kind of shaking it like I might be masturbating if I wasn't wearing it. To my surprise, this felt pretty good and got a reaction. It hadn't done this in the past.

SO I kept going and because I am overconfident in my self-control, I managed to bring myself to the edge doing this. Legitimately surprised I could do that without any skin contact, but when I got close to a climax, some common sense kicked in and I let go.

Unfortunately, my body had other ideas. A few seconds later I came. Like, a ton. I'd call it a ruined orgasm, but honestly it felt like a normal one, even though I'd let go a few seconds earlier.

I knew this was a problem, and for a few minutes I figured I'd just keep it under wraps. I won't lie to her, buuuut I figured she wouldn't ask directly, so not saying anything wasn't really dishonest.

And then I realized that it wouldn't be long before she asked me something that would either require lying or disclosing. And, surprisingly, I was feeling actual guilt, and that I'd wronged her. So I decided just to come clean.

I did. She was not happy. My time under lock and key is being reset and very likely extended, and I'll be purchasing her a substantial gift. She knows that hitting me in the wallet is something that I'll remember. I also made a promise that I would not do this again, and disclose to her if I ever got myself off again. Even if I'm able to climax while in the cage, she knows I will honor my promises. So I won't be doing that again.

Don't make the same mistake I did, peeps.

 

And, I'm back.

A few months ago in the earlier part of summer I managed to have an orgasm while in the cage, and I confessed. A day later she had been stewing and was more upset than I realized. She just took off the key, glared and handed it to me. Then told me she was very angry, that she expected me to make the penance she had decided, and that we were done playing until I did.

This was kind of confusing, since chastity has been more her wish than mine, but...it does an interesting dynamic to things. And so for a while, our dynamic was pretty flat. Not a ton of intimacy, and what was there was vanilla and lower-intensity.

I have mixed feelings about chastity in general, so while I wasn't happy about the chill that had fallen over things, I wasn't in a huge hurry to make amends. To be honest, I also didn't feel guilty about what I'd done - except for the reaction it had caused in her.

But maybe 10 days ago I decided to make the gesture she wanted - a gift. It was supposed to sting financially, and it did. Without getting into too much detail, she has a new set of jewelry with the same number of diamonds as her age. She seems very, very happy with it - and surprised. Apparently she thought I wouldn't be following through, and had just forgotten her demand.

Anyway, she spent a few more days considering whether she wanted to wear the key again (spoiler: she does), and when and how it would happen. And as of this morning, I'm under lock and key again.

cont.

 

So, the road ahead will be tough.

She had warned me lockup was starting up this morning, before she went out of town for work. I thought we would probably have some "last night of freedom" sex, and we did - but what I didn't expect was that as we started, she told me she was giving me 3 wishes.

The rules were that I could wish for just about anything in bed, and I could have all 3 wishes right then. OR, I could save any or all of them and use them later - until the end of the year.

The catch, of course, is that those wishes are the only possible orgasms I will be getting for the rest of the year.
So of course after some good teasing and foreplay she asked whether I'd be using one of the wishes that night. Saying no was not an option.

But now I am left with 100 days to the end of the year, and 2 wishes left. Seeing as how the longest I've gone without has been 28 days, when she's worn the key before.... this will be a challenge for me.

I asked whether we would still be having sex -- "Yes."

"And there will still be orgasms for you, right?" -- "Of course."

"Just not for me." - "Not unless you use a wish. If you have any left."

"But you still have the discretion to let me climax, even if I don't use a wish, right? So that might happen?" -- "Yes it's my discretion, but it's not going to happen. Your wishes are all that you'll be getting."

"How can I earn more?" -- "You can't."

"Is that a hard line?" -- "Yes, and if you keep asking about it, you will lose the two you have left. So don't ask."


And awaaaaay we go!

 

Day 5 of ?

Things are getting more challenging, but we aren't at peak difficulty yet. That usually kicks in somewhere between day 6 and 10, but it's ramping up more slowly this time. Might be because of experience, might be because I know it's gonna be a while - or might be something else completely. I'm not complaining though; an easier time is fine.

KH returned yesterday from her weekend travel out of town; it was good to have her back home. She has to travel for a few days now and then, sometimes for work and sometimes for family, but those short trips feel much, much longer when I'm in lockdown.

So I was really thirsty for some intimacy, and fortunately it wasn't long before we were in bed and the clothes were off. I knew I wouldn't be cumming, but was hoping we'd have some PIV anyway - she enjoys it and has had a history of frequent unlocks for that.

It didn't happen though. Some handplay led to an O for her (uncommon - usually it's PIV, the vibrator, or oral), and that seemed to satisfy her because she gently moved me away, laid back down and yawned, then closed her eyes a bit. Which led to the following exchange:

Me: This isn't gonna work for me. I need the phone number for customer service.

KH: What isn't gonna work for you?

Me: You climax, then immediately yawn and start falling asleep, while I'm still charged up. That's unfair. It's supposed to be the other way around.

KH: Hah, you can send an email to customerservice@hermajestyswish.com but I don't think it will help.

Me: And why is that?

KH: Because this is how it is for you now.

Me: I would really enjoy being inside you. And I know you, I'm pretty sure you'd enjoy that too. What do you say?

KH: Are you using one of your wishes?

Me: No, but I'm not talking about an orgasm. Just letting me in, but no climax. You know, what we did all the time, last time you were wearing the key.

KH: Well this time is different. We'll do that...eventually. But you have to work up to that. Slowly.

Me: Hmmm? What changed this time around?

Then she thought for a minute.

KH: Because that's just what I feel like this time. I don't need any other reason.

Me: ...

KH: Yeah, I'm getting better at this with practice.

--------

Narrator: She was getting better at it with practice.

 

Today is day 8, and as expected things are getting pretty challenging. Normally, I have a lot more thoughts than feelings, and that works pretty well for me. But at the stage of chastity, I feel like I'm 15 again and trying to surf an unruly hormonal wave. Strong feelings that are prone to come and go quickly - and that's on top of the waves of lust that I have to wrestle with for hours at a time throughout the day.

Thing is, I can't deny there's an upside and a weird thrill to this emotional roller coaster. And my KH sees this (obviously), and apparently enjoys watching it. And exploiting it.

Anyway, I've been locked in the Cobra for over a week now. I think this is the longest I've gone without being unlocked at all. I asked her if it's intentional that she's letting me out less often than she used to. "Yes. You shouldn't have gotten yourself off last time."

BUT I am on pins and needles because she has announced that I will be let out tonight, and that we will be having sex. Penetrative sex. She also made crystal clear I will not cum (of course) - but hey, I'm starving so I feel like a kid again, before a first date. It's maddening but also kind of fun to feel the unmanageable anticipation.

Some other recent conversational snippets:

Talking about my limit of 2 orgasms for the rest of the year: "I don't think I can survive until the end of the year on your schedule. At least not without going berserk. Surely you don't want to have to deal with that."

Her: "You can survive. You just don't know it yet."

--------------

Talking about how things are getting tough: "OK, 1 week down. Now just...66 or 67 more to go."

Her: "Why stop then? This is great, who would want to stop?"

The context is that I promised to give her they keys and go along with her decisions to use it as much or as little as she wanted, through the end of 2022. I wasn't sure about surrendering my autonomy but figured I'd give her a decent canvas to start painting with, and then see how it all went. She knows that it's too early to tell what our attitudes about the situation will be in another 15 months, but she has said a few times already that she is "worried" about what happens then - because right now, she wants this to arrangement to just go on indefinitely. So there's that on the horizon. I have a habit of writing checks for my future self to cash, and they aren't always comfortable. But it can keep life interesting...

 

I've been saying some of these things. It feels like I'm not doing myself any favors, but if I only complained about the struggle, it wouldn't be the full picture. So I tell her the flattering things too.

The reality is, I am feeling more drawn to her - not just physically, but emotionally. When she is close to me, I get jittery and tingle like I'm a kid again. So I tell her that too. It doesn't seem very dignified, but I feel what I feel - and what I feel like is a devoted puppy dog. I want to be with her. Physically, sexually, and emotionally. I am not great at managing these emotions. She gets the upside, while I'm the one paying the tab. Not the best deal for me....but maybe a net positive for us.

She's smart though - she sees this. And she's leaning into it, for better (for her) or worse (for me).

 

Day 9, October 1. Not sure whether this will be a Locktober year - she has decided I get to choose when my last 2 orgasms of the year are. So I may or may not wait until the end of the month before cashing one in. Just playing it by ear for now.

In the meantime, it was a fun night.

As it turns out, when she said that "penetration" would be happening, she was talking about a strap-on. The misdirection was deliberate, but I appreciate the cunning.

But as it also turns out, she was enjoying the way things were progressing, and changed her mind in the heat of the moment. So there was actual PIV after all. And man, was it intense. After 8 days of denial, I was hard enough to cut diamonds, and the sensation was incredible.

This is where I have really mixed feelings about chastity. The frustration and denial really do drive me crazy at times, but it's undeniable that the intimacy gets turbocharged. Is the massive drop in quantity outweighed by the increase in quality? I haven't totally decided yet. But after nights like yesterday, it's hard to say it isn't worth it, on balance.

Of course, after she came a few times, she pushed me off and announced we were done. I still find it funny how the stereotypical roles are reversed, and she starts falling asleep when she's been satisfied, while I'm fully keyed up and ready to go for another hour. At least I got to spend the night out of the cage - before being ordered back in this morning.

Never would have thought sex without a climax would be so rewarding, but here we are...

 

Well, this may be good advice but the reality is, I'm not at the "acceptance" stage yet. The instinct to resist and pursue what I want, when things get uncomfortable, is ingrained pretty deeply. I get the impression I'm in the minority here, in that this was all originally her choice - I went along with it, because the idea of power exchange in the abstract is fun, aaaaaand I like to try new things. But I am not yet entirely comfortable with the idea of being a passenger on a ride that I can't get off....so to speak.

Of course the concern is if totally let go of the wheel, there's no turning back - and irreversible decisions take some time.

 

So, day 13. The waters are getting deeper and darker as we get further from shore. Had a couple disconcerting experiences last night and this morning.

The first 5-6 days of denial are usually not so bad. Usually feel like myself, and the cage is mostly just an inconvenience. Then things start to get challenging, and I tend to get manic. The pressure builds enough that it's hard to ignore - but because I can't relieve it, that energy expresses in other ways. Maybe more activity, exercise, or getting busy around the house.

But the next stage is that the pressure starts to get really uncomfortable, and "hungry" starts changing into "starving." Got the first whiffs of "starving" last night. And when that happens, I'm no longer just thinking that i need to get out of the cage and get some relief, I'm feeling it to the bone. Realizing that I can't just snap my fingers and end the predicament causes some anxiety that is so strong my blood runs cold for a few seconds.

It's disconcerting, because it feels real and not like playacting, or a game. My KH has told me in the past that I am good at using my words to get what I want, and there's probably some truth to that. I have avoided a lot of discomfort in life by finding one way or another to get what I need, and so I don't usually feel that fear of "You can't solve this. And you can't avoid it."

I realize the best solution may be just to lean into it and let go of expectations - but I'm not there yet. So for now, it will probably be uncomfortable for a while. Who knows, maybe some actual, cold-blooded fear will be good for me in the long run. I gave her my word she could wear the key through 2022, and I'm not going back on it - but I don't think I've internalized the reality of that yet. Should be just a matter of time, though.