Subbier Than Thou

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Breathe, Jun 20, 2018.

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  1. Breathe
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    Breathe Be true to yourself

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    Hopping on a soapbox for a moment here...

    After being a member of this site for roughly six months, I've read (probably too) many posts across all subject areas. It's been wonderfully educational and stimulating. I can only imagine what other useful nuggets of information I'll find as time goes on.

    It only took about a week before I realized how much camaraderie is evident throughout the membership base of CM. This has to be the nicest and most supportive kink site on the web, in My opinion! Truly, a diamond in the rough.

    That said, I've noticed a pattern of responses to certain thoughts/questions/experiences, particularly regarding submission. These responses usually fall into two categories: supportive or antagonistic. For example...

    "In time, you will learn to accept your role and things will get easier...
    Keep calm, please your Dom/me, and all will be well!"

    vs.

    "You can't possibly be submissive because you have x, y, and z thoughts...
    You should be ashamed of yourself because your very existence
    dilutes the value of us 'true' submissives."​

    Isn't it safe to say, regardless of our commonalities and differences in D/s, that we are all humans and, as such, are inherently flawed and/or confused at times about this thing we call 'life'? We all start at the beginning of a journey, yes?

    If that's true... isn't it also a total waste of energy for all those involved if someone is belittled for baring their soul and sharing said flaws/confusion... or even just off the cuff thoughts about this lifestyle in general?

    I'm not saying genuine transgressions should go without recognition. All of us (Myself included) have done things we're not proud of, and perhaps wish we could take back. We all have thoughts that confuse us; I would guess that's why we share, in hopes for enlightenment!

    But if your sole purpose is to make yourself sound 'subbier than thou' in your response to a struggling submissive... don't you think you could find something better to do with your time?

    Constructive criticism is completely different than active belittlement. Perhaps this distinction is something we could all think about the next time we fill those reply boxes. I know I'll try My best to keep this in mind... and I hope you will, too. :)

    There's enough negativity in the world... there's no good reason to perpetuate it here. :love:
     
  2. JiL
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    JiL servitude4u

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    Well stated Miss @Breathe
    Thankfully, I haven't noticed too much of the later demoralizing stuff you speak of. I hope I have and will always continue to steer clear of that kind of discriminating poor behavior. :+1::lock:
     
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  3. filltee
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    filltee Junior Member

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    Whatever any of us think about TTTWD and how it applies to us, our SOs and our relationship dynamics... how it all applies in relation to others is their business and really remains so even if they ask for advice.

    Also this thing .. its not a competition

    Lastly ... there is no right or wrong though I'll admit there are positive and negative shades of.... 'this might be better'.
     
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  4. Cuckster
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    Cuckster Member

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    I don't think there is such a thing as "subbier than thou" just as there is no such thing as "true" submission.
    Horsies for coursies.
    But there is a world of difference between being a sub (or a Dom) and being a fetishist.
    The two are often confused.
    I see no antagonism or belittling, or invalidating. Sometimes just attempts to guide people to really think about what they are feeling and saying, and whether it falls under D/s, or fetishism.
    One cap may feel much more comfortable to wear than the other, but really, it should not.
    Absolutely nothing wrong with either answer, but does confusion between the two need to be perpetuated? For what purpose, and who benefits by it?
     
  5. Her Dividend
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    Her Dividend Junior Member

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    Good dominants are not passive aggressive -- i.e. blaming of subs for not being submissive.

    I read this post on another thread, and I agreed with it:

    ----------------

    Cheesy dominants, especially ones in your age range, often use manipulation to get you to do things.

    "You are a bad submissive" isn't dominant, its passive aggressive. On inexperienced subs it triggers their "i want to be good" reflex and they do whatever stupid human trick the idiot dom is trying to con them into doing.

    A talented dominant is going to explain clearly what he wants and work with you to get it. Try that "bad sub" crap on an experienced sub and you'll get your brand new crop shoved up your ass.

    They don't send you to others to figure it out for a number of reasons. Most of the subs in this forum i wouldn't bother with AND most of them wouldn't want me. NONE of us are doing it "wrong" its because the magic is in creating something unique between those IN the relationship, not in being crammed into a box made by the expectations of others.
     
  6. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    I as a true submissive would never do that! I never complain about how long I’m caged or how frustrated I am. I take everything and say yes ma’am can I have another. Otherwise you are topping from the bottom and deserve to be punished....:D:p:rolleyes:
     
  7. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Active member

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    I think there are some subs on here who have a particular viewpoint and crave a particular niche within our kink and have a tendency to shoehorn it into every discussion. But overall I don't see any great outpouring of angst.

    The thing about this kink, which I didn't realise at all until coming to CM, is that it is remarkably diverse. Men like to be chaste for lots of different reasons and women like to control their men for just as wide a variety of reasons. That makes it all pretty fascinating in my view.
     
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  8. Shepherdsflock
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    Shepherdsflock Active member

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    Whatever, newbie! I’m 17% more subbier than your best sub, and on this forum I am AT LEAST 23% more influential than the 2014 Hyundai Santa Fe Sport.
     
  9. Cuckster
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    Cuckster Member

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    Yeah I've been here the longest therefore clearly I am the best and know the most.
    This stuff is not a competition.
     
  10. Mojoman
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    Mojoman Active member

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    It seems that the majority of members on this site are men that are submissive to some extent. Some are fantasists, some are fetishists and some are "true" submissives. The probability is that the "true" submissive guys started their journey via the fantasist/fetishist route and perhaps, with the help of an understanding partner, have been able to move on.

    Sadly, there are not enough dominant women to go around (yet), not just on this site, but in life in general. Maybe there are more than I realise, but how lucky we are to have women like @Breathe contributing such thoughtful and well put posts.

    Since joining a few months ago, I have found this site to be a real haven from the nastiness that goes on elsewhere, with much encouragement and support from the other members. I hope that we can keep it that way and that dominant women who happen upon the site feel encouraged to stay and contribute, as @Breathe has done.
     
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  11. Billus
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    Billus Laconic.

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    The "No True Scotsman" fallacy would seem to come into play here.
     
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  12. Truly Tasty
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    Truly Tasty Active member

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    When I found this site, I spent some time reading posts/blogs before commenting, for the most part I do find the people here encouraging however, I have been made to feel like my thoughts and feelings towards my desire to submit to My Love were not genuine.
    I began a journal to open up myself to others with similar desires and must admit that the advice I have received, for the most part, worked to help me figure out why I crave that desire and showed me that I am not alone. For that I am thankful.
    Because of CM I have realized that there are many like minded people out there and what I once thought was a weird kink isn't, many people enjoy this and many people are struggling with how to deal with it, sometimes on how to bring your partner along the journey without them thinking that we are "weird".
    We all have different backgrounds, we all have different experiences and we are all at different stages of this journey. For the most part I believe the majority of us understand this, for the rest I just choose to ignore the "subbier than thou" attitude, I am on a journey at the best pace i know how and doing the best I can do, and I appreciate the help and support I receive from each of you. As far as the skeptics go, well, they should keep their opinions to themselves, this is a difficult enough struggle as it is.
     
  13. zorglub
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    zorglub Tether freak

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    One particular context where i have witnessed the subject attitude is when someone reports about accidental or illicit chastity device fails such as pullout or caged orgasm. Pretty much systematically there will be replies lambasting the poster for being "direspectful "to his KH (amusingly, this happens to self-lockers too) or weak-willed.
    Sheesh!
     
  14. Alceste
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    Alceste Chaste Member

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    To paraphrase somebody:

    No one has any clue about what the hell is going on.
     
  15. babyppboy
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    babyppboy New member

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    yup, the way i see it is if you are ignorant of something feel no shame. Without ignorance we would learn nothing. No time to judge others. Build on Your experiences and grow. There will always be critics and those out to shame others. But don't judge them too harshly either as they are mostly ignorant of other's lives to begin with and yet to be aware. i came here for good advice and conversation with like minded folks. So far so good :) if i make some horrible faux pas i don't mind it pointed out either, so be it, life goes on. Gonna enjoy it.
     
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  16. Londonmale
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    Londonmale Member

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    everyone is human and therefore errs
     
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