New and Overwhelmed

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Welcome to the Mansion.

Perhaps you could try having him wear a strapon while still in chastity so you can get penatrative sex while he remains in chastity

 

Because you are here, you are not alone. There are many other woman who have grappled with the same issue(s) as you. One wonderful @Mistress Jules has responded, and others will be happy to share with you as well, how you may embrace and enjoy your FLR at a pace and in a way which you are comfortable and happy with. I recommend you come back to CM when you can to meet and chat with the other leading ladies who can tell you about their experiences. Wish you both all the best.

 

Maybe you can find a way to have intercourse more on your terms, how and when you want it while keeping him locked up in between? Maybe if you find a way to do things when you want instead of him initiating it, it might be a compromise and perhaps the situation that the two of you are in will evolve along the line. Best of luck to you. It seems like you have a good heart and it will work out in the end.

 

When my Bride wants or needs intercourse, the CB comes off for Her if that's what She wants, no questions asked. Not a problem to put CB right back on when She's done with me. Weather you allow him orgasm is another story. She has also learned to enjoy a gag with cock attached, dildo, and always lots of oral worship.

 

If your man is like most of the rest of us, what he's interested in is not denial per se but the giving over of control to you and the build-up of need that heightens his libido as his erection (and masturbation) is denied. And since you're in control, you can use it whenever you want, it's been saved *just for you.* Lock it, unlock and it use it when you want, and then relock it until you want to use it again. Sort of like your car, it's yours.

 

I very much doubt you're alone. I suspect your comments echo the thoughts of a lot of women whose men introduced the subject of chastity.

You need a good conversation with him to understand your respective needs and desires. There may be some accommodation required on both sides, but the essential thing is that YOU are happy with the way things are proceeding. Because if you're not things won't work out properly and you'll end up arguing and drifting apart.

As long as he's under your instruction, and it is you who is ordering him how to behave, then he shouldn't resist any instruction from you to have PiV sex. But that's the sort of thing you need to negotiate.

Best of luck. I hope it works out for you both. Let us know how you get on.

 

@Trixxy Reading through your comments, it seems as if he is just using you as males use a pro dominatrix. Male chastity can and should be beneficial for you. Don't put up with anything that you're not keen on. Let him know what's ok for you and whats not. (and who's in charge )

 

Why can’t you have piv sex? My wife and I do this often I am just not allowed to have an orgasm. I can assure you my wife is satisfied and I am left very frustrated.

 

In my case, if she does let me inside her I last all of 10 seconds so its pointless anyway! That doesn't mean no PIV, it means she cums before unlocking me and then let's me in! She finds it hilarious that I last as long as school boy having his first sexual encounter! "Hardly worth the effort!" She says. No wonder she hasn't let me out yet this year.

 

I am locked but still have intercourse regularly. My suggestion is similar to others here. If he wants you in charge that includes him satisfying your needs. You mentioned pain and flogging, I would suggest a session that is much more intense than previous sessions. During the session tell him this is not about him anymore it is about you. Tell him what you want and how he is going to do it. It sounds like he wants you in control so take it and make him satisfy your needs. I hope this helps and good luck.

 

Hello Dear,
I wanted to jump in with ideas of how to make the sex and kink part better for you but.....it sounds like you're already overwhelmed, and the most important part of chastity or FLR is that **YOU** feel happy and comfortable.

Believe me, I used to be so shy and uptight about sex that I couldn't talk about it at all. I couldn't even talk about oral sex with my boyfriends, I would just make nervous gestures. But today, I am more than happy to be blunt about mechanics and technique, I'll even stop a guy and say "no, put your finger *here* and do *this* with your tongue." People can definitely change. So I would want to say that first, try to be more open about sex. What you want in general, what you want in the moment. That skill will you help you no matter if you're with him or if you end up with a guy who only likes vanilla sex. And if it's too hard to say face to face, you can build up to it. Write him a letter or an email if that's what it takes. You could text him at lunch, "When you get home from work I want you to go down on me and then let's have sex doggystyle." It'll feel weird at first sure, but the more you see his positive response to your openness, the more you'll feel comfortable doing it.

And chastity and FLR is not about making him and his dick happy. Not at all. He's doing this because he wants you to have more control in the relationship. If you don't like flogging, don't do it. If you don't like giving pain at all, don't do it. He doesn't serve you just by being a whipping post.

I would suggest taking some time to think about things you hate doing. Loathe doing the dishes? Hate ironing? Is paying bills a pain in the ass? Hand them over to him. That's his task, his act of service. Also think about things you love but don't get enough of. Do you love fancy cocktails but don't know how to make them? Want your feet rubbed? Do you want to go the opera more often? Boom, that's on his task list now. Those are also great forms of service.

If FLR and chastity doesn't make YOUR life easier, what's the point? As a woman, I've bristled at times with parts of FLR because I think, "Oh great, now I have to manage you on top of everything else," but then I realized that while subs must always consent, I have so much power as a Dom. I hate driving, so my sub drives instead. I love flowers and can't afford them, so he gets me flowers. I don't like giving pain so I only do it when I'm in the mood, as a treat for him.

Of course all relationships need compromise, but it sounds like right now you're doing everything he's into, even if you're not fully into it. I agree with others, take your time (even if he wants you to hurry), and don't do anything you don't feel like doing. When you wake up in the morning, start with "Bring me coffee in bed." and go from there.

The women here are all here to support you, and there are great chastity boys who are happy to offer advice. You can always message me as well.

Gaia <3

 

I’m fairly new to it too. Was never my idea being the Domme so I struggle with it. I have a hard time implementing scenes and games to play. So what do you do when “your slow” is waaaay slow and it frustrates him and aggravates him?

How do you get yourself into it fully while still maintaining a family household?

I am not like the OP. I’ve never been huge on sex. I could live without it. I don’t crave it for the most part. If I do it’s a quick get myself off and I’m good for days or weeks. Just how I’ve always been.

At this tone I am starting to enjoy this lifestyle piece by piece and I do enjoy caning him at times and get a tingle when I know I’ve made him squirm. I like the effects TD has on him but I get lax on my side with consistency and then we have issues. Thoughts? Suggestions? Motivational feedback?

 

This seems like something my wife would say or write if she joined this site.

 

This was one of my major bugbears when I was first introduced.
it's a fact and it's up to you how you deal with it. Romance and poetry and courtship are all born of the same thing.

It sounds to me as if you are on the right path and within sight of grasping its true potential.
For now I would recommend concentrating on how to satisfy your own urges while he is locked for longer periods.

 

I'm curious about your avatar selection. What does that photo represent to you?

 

Part of giving up control isn’t about being denied, it is about acceptance. Yes it can be fun to keep him from his final destination, but it’s about control. That means even if he wants to be denied, it’s not his choice. His denial is denied.

The first month we had the cage she let me finish every night...not exactly denying me lol. That’s her option. I personally love getting out, so not an issue!

Just keep making it fun for you and chances are that will be just what is what he needs.

 

Firstly, welcome to CM! I hope you find this site and its members informative and friendly.

As others have pointed out, denial doesn't inherently equal a lack of penetrative sex. I enjoy as much of it as possible! Some women enjoy making males orgasm - I know I do... or used to, anyway! But as I saw the benefits of male orgasm denial, My opinions on the matter quickly changed. I learned of other things I enjoy much more. Penetration surely begs for release, but that's part of the fun as you go along... because he has to learn to separate those acts for your pleasure, as spilling and intimate sex are not (always) synonymous.

In our case, I focused largely on increasing his endurance so he could penetrate Me for longer periods of time. Combining frequent PIV sex and orgasm denial was the only way I succeeded in training him this way. This started well before chastity and continues to develop after incorporating a physical device into our lives.

The main difference is... now I have a lock to open when we start, and I close it back when I'm done. Orgasms for him are quite rare and this fact keeps our cock ready for Me whenever I like.

So, I'll also echo this: your style of chastity is just that - yours! No matter what other lifestyle enthusiasts do, your whims are up to you to decide. Don't let anyone (including your partner) tell you that constantly unlocking him for your use is the 'wrong way' to live a chaste life.

I mention that because I'm literally wearing out our current lock because it sees a fair bit of action, yet I still consider him locked for Me 24/7.

Aggravation is one thing, so perhaps putting a foot down when it comes to serious attitude is necessary - after some communication, of course. Frustration can come in many shades... in a follow-up to the previous section of My reply: that type of slow is what I aim for, when we're having sex anyway. He's hinted that he might need a mouth guard because he's always gritting his teeth so hard as I edge him inside, these days... Lol. I enjoy that type of frustration, very much.

I think denying male orgasms, regardless of the acts shared, is a great 'low maintenance' way to train your man into accepting your desires as his own. I don't have to push and prod at the power exchange with other random acts to keep it 'alive' because it's carried over into everything else when he's denied full orgasms. Any additional flair is just My way of having fun as the Top.

It's like a healthy collection of embers after a bonfire. It looks somewhat innocuous on the surface, yet it's still scorching hot. It never takes long to stoke the flames when you keep those coals burning. How you build them is entirely up to you.

 

Those hot coals are a very good analogy. Just place that stick anywhere near those innocent looking embers and it instantly ignites.

 

I love it -- denial is not his choice. Indeed, as I see it what he really wants is to give over control.

 

PIV is possible without him having an orgasm
just get some numbing cream, a few condoms and dont tell him what you are doing
he will go crazy trying to cum and you can get off as much as you wish.

 

Love it !

 

Your feelings are pretty normal to most wives. Mine called sex without my orgasm, fake sex. Mass media and everything else has filled the minds of women with the notion that the measure of their desirability is determined by the quickness of a male's erection and his orgasm. I lived with a girl who had to have sex with just about every man she met to feel desirable. What she did not understand is that men find any sure thing desirable so she was not really getting the validation she thought she got.

My wife was exactly like you. It was a slow process for her to understand that by denying me an orgasm, she was pleasing me. I helped her along the way by thanking her every time she denied me but never when she allowed me to orgasm. After denied I would talk about how I enjoyed the sexual energy. After an orgasm I would talk about how down I felt and missed the sexual energy of denial. We went on like that for many months. We also talked about it a lot and she bought a lot of books to read.

What was most surprising to me is that my wife sexually prefers women and has denied me PIV sex for 20 years. You would think that she was not interested in my orgasms, but she still was. Slowly but surely she got more comfortable in denying me. However when she saw me suffering and begging for an orgasm after 3 months of denial, she would surprise me with an orgasm. We did work up to those 3 months a little at a time. Add another day or two in-between denial periods, after the last one.

My wife is not turned on by male genitalia and is pretty much 90% into girls than guys and yet, her conditioning and more so love for me, does make her concerned about my sexual needs. In theory she said that she would love if I never had an orgasm again but the love she has for me will not let me suffer mentally or physically so we never went further than 4 months between orgasms.

One nice change was that my wife began to enjoy sex that is focused on her orgasm without having to reciprocate. It was quick and neat and she was experiencing some of the bet orgasms of her life in her mid sixties no less. My wife had a long time girlfriend and tried every fetish we could find. Yet she is very shy about talking about sex and will not visit sex forums. She is much better talking about sex with me now than she used to be. I even got her to let me tell our old girlfriend that we are now into chastity. She was too shy to tell her before. I also got her OK to tell my sister that we lived in a poly triad with our girlfriend. She is a doer and just wants to keep it private.

We are doing chastity in our sixth year, I think. We take breaks after every year of a few months until we both want to go back to chastity play. Play. That is how you can look at it. It is not our lifestyle. We have always resisted letting our fetishes bleed over into our marriage and we believe that has contributed to our marriage of 46 years. We enter and leaver our sexual roles as the mood strikes us. We always view it as a game. Event though my wife enjoys CBT and denying me, she just served me breakfast and cleaned up after me. I am capable of doing that but she likes to please me and nothing has been able to change that. She is very grateful for all that I have done and gave her in our marriage. She is living a lifestyle that she never dreamed she could leave with a man who will give her the moon and stars if he could. We both enjoy pleasing the other.

So you do not have to grow leather skin and wear boots to get into chastity. If you Google Tantric Sex you will find a lot of information about the practice of having sex but withholding the orgasm and the positive effects it has on the relationship and person. We have seen how chastity has brought us emotionally closer. My wife had shared her girlfriend with me for 30 years and I was a lot more sexually active in my life than she was. She says I owe her a lot of orgasms and I do feel that after what she did for me sexually, I owe her a sex life devoted to her pleasure mostly. Too many guys want to start chastity by jumping into the deep end of the pool before learning how to swim. That is not a good strategy other than in fantasy most times. Some can do it though.

Many websites about chastity are actually about a larger fetish where chastity is a part of it like cuckolding and a FLR for example. Chastity can stand on its own as a tease and denial game. You do not have to dominate him outside the bedroom. My wife does not. You do not have to be mean and cruel either. My wife is very loving when she edges me over and over again. She has learned, as you may someday, that by denying me she is giving me pleasure. As they say, when he says yes he wants you to say no. That is what the game is all about. However many do not view it as a game like we do and try to build their relationship around it. I do not know how well that works out because most of those guys disappear and what we read on the internet may not mirror real life. I do know that our friends who tried to lead fetish lifestyles, divorced once or twice. Personally I do not want a wife who enjoys punishing and humiliating me as a way of life. I want one that can play at that. If that makes sense.

So you can be who you are and still enjoy chastity. You can start off just locking him up between the times you normally have sex. Learn how to edge him to the brink of an orgasm and then let him down before starting again. You will start to enjoy playing his penis like an instrument and knowing that he likes it. I will give you two viewpoints to think about. For me I enjoy being horny all the time. I like the energy and without it I feel bored. When we are getting ready to have sex and I am in the shower, shaving and getting ready, I am reminded of my teen years when I got read for a date not knowing if I was going to get lucky that night. I feel that excitement all the time and it make the whole process exciting for me.

My wife has learned to enjoy hearing my moans of sexual frustration. They make her orgasm in a matter of minutes. She actually giggles when she edges me. She says the noises I make and the way my body reacts when she brings me to the edge please her and give her the same sense of satisfaction as working towards giving me an orgasm like in the past did. She understands that denial is pleasure that will last me all month while giving me an orgasm will result in only 10 seconds of pleasure. Of course since we do not engage in PIV, she is not missing out on anything. A younger couple who require PIV may feel differently.

Baby steps. Deny him once and then when used to that deny him a few days longer and keep on going. View this as a marathon and not a sprint. As males we get an erection just trying to put the darn chastity cage on. We want instant gratification. That is why so many fail. Make chastity what you want it to be. There are no rules or prizes awarded for who can be denied the longest. I rather my accomplishments in life be more than sexual. There are also ruined orgasms where you stop all stimulation right before he cums. If done right he will ejaculate but feel no pleasure. It is a way to drain him without ruining his chastity. The look on his face and his moans of frustration may be entertaining for you. Once again, if you approach it as a game and not a way of life, you can enjoy it for what it is.

My wife now prefers chastity but it is not done against my will and I did not believe it will prevent me from masturbating. Keep in mind that we can masturbate when locked up so your husband is really not as helpless as he may make out to be. What my wife does is to keep an eye on me and if she sees that orgasm denial is affecting me mentally or physically in a negative way, she will surprise me with an orgasm. After all, she loves me and this is only a sex game and not our life. Other view it differently but we play by our rules and not theirs.

 

I too am somewhat confused about the Avatar. Did you pick it or did the "partner".