My Locked Journal

I'm just over a week locked in a Female Led Relationship. My Wife and I have done this a few times over the years. But this time it feels different.

We had been going through a vanilla couple phase for quite a while, we've both been very busy. For us vanilla is an equal relationship with nether of us in charge.

I guess I've been emotionally flat for a while, though it's hard to notice because I'm not an emotional person. Since starting this period of my Wife being in charge my emotions have been going crazy. I know denial is supposed to make me crave her, but I'm not just craving her sexually, i want to hold her, talk to her, do things for her, I miss her when she's not home, every time I walk past her I give her a little kiss. It's like all my normal in the background feelings that I ignore got turned up in volume. After just a week of denial that's a bit crazy. Maybe there's other factors too, reconnecting, the contrast to the daily grind that had been taking up our time for so long. Maybe she's slipping something into my drinks.

During the week she's unlocked me a couple of times for supervised cleaning in the shower. Several times each day she has checked her property by groping my cage while smiling at me. I've been ordered several times during the week to make love to her with my mouth, while I remain locked, cuddling her after she's cum. I love the cuddling so much, again getting strangely emotional, holding her for hours and feeling perfectly content.

On the weekend my Mistress decided after I'd licked her to orgasm several times that she wanted me in her. I paused and told her it was entirely her choice, but she mustn't feel any obligation to let me cum, unless letting me cum was for her pleasure. She told me it was what she wanted and unlocked me. I was nervous, the denial seemed to have woken something, I didn't want to lose the emotions I'd been feeling, I didn't want to lose my craving for her. But these things are not my choice, they are hers. She was under me, open, but totally dominant, controlling the depth and pace with her thighs locked around me, her hands around my neck squeezing hard, then moving to either side of my head, holding my head stationary while her thighs controlled my hips, ordering me to cum with a voice that was almost angry. I can't remember ever coming so hard. Mind wiping pleasure. Every ounce of energy pouring out of me as I cried out. I fell almost instantly into a deep sleep.

The next morning I woke to find with great relief my desire for her was still ridiculous, that my emotions were still over amplified. I crept in behind her happily spooning. Later I confessed to her my nervousness at being allowed to cum, and my relief at finding it didn't change how I've been feeling, she seemed amused.

Given the choice between what I'm feeling and being allowed to cum, I would choose the feelings. It's not my choice to make, but luckily it seems the amplified emotions are not just from denial.

So, we've begun another period of Female Leadership, and this time it feels different.

 

After reading about whipping on this site I suggested it to Mistress as something she might want to try. I explained that I didn’t want to top from the bottom, it was up to her, just something I’d read that sounded interesting. She was skeptical, stating it’s not really her sort of thing, I tried my best puppy dog eyes, which made her smile and she decided we could try it.

Many years ago before settling into Female dominance I bought a flogger, intending to use it on her, which she definitely was not into, it’s been sitting in the bottom of our toy box ever since.

I laid naked apart from my cage on the bed, face down and she handcuffed my wrists behind my back. She began slowly dragging the tips of the flogger along my skin, sensuous enough to make me moan, slowly introducing strikes to my bottom, back and feet. Hard enough to sting and make me jump, but not too hard.

As she introduced more blows she questioned me, “who is your Mistress?”, “how much do you love me?”, smack “not good enough, how much do you love me?”. She told me to count to three then landed a series of blows. She asked me my favourite number, counting it out on my bottom. She pressed her tongue into my ear. She planted delicate kisses on each buttock. She caressed me with this tips of the flogger, then struck again.

After declaring “Mistress is finished” she un-cuffed me and we spooned for after care. I confessed that I was amazed, where on earth did she learn to do that, I imagine that’s what a professional Dominatrix is like. Mistress confessed that she had enjoyed herself far more than she had expected to.

I’m in awe. So is my bottom, which still has a warm glow.

 

We’ve settled into a routine of unlocked showering for cleaning every couple of days. That seems to be working well with no major sore spots or bad smells. I moisturise before the cage goes back on. There’s a little bit of skin irritation under my balls were the main ring presses, so I’m making sure to lubricate that area.

Sleeping is getting better. I’ve been through this before with ball trap cages. Nightly erections and waking to ball stretching are normally bladder related. I’m getting back into the habit of hydrating in the morning and minimising fluids in the afternoon.

Mistress has started caressing the cage and my balls while we are in bed, which is the sweetest torture, I can feel it and yet not feel it, she says “poor boy” before rolling over, leaving me painfully straining against the bars. With all the teasing I find I am dripping pre-cum out of the cage throughout the day and night, which is embarrassing, Mistress is Amused.

My better half’s libido has increased, it seems a lot higher than when I’m unlocked, which is a little perverse. Mistress orders that I go down on her every two or three days, after which I’m allowed to cuddle her. I am so craving the cuddles, pressing against her, smelling her… I’m really craving going down on her too. Whenever I ask her if I may worship her that way the answer is always a definite “no”. It seems I can only go down on her when she initiates, which is… sort of hot.

As we cuddled I asked what are her favourite things about being a Mistress, she replied “the cuddles… and orgasms on demand… and your cock being locked”, I can definitely relate to the first one. I love how into each other we are right now. I love how I’m craving her. I love how she’s teasing me. I love how the highlight of my day is spending time with her. Right now there is so much intimacy between us.

I’m a little conflicted. I desperately want to be inside her, but a little part of me wants her to never unlock me.

 

Last night my better half announced "I want to play with your cock". She unlocked me, I quickly cleaned and after lots of wonderful foreplay she let me make love to her. It's been two weeks since she last allowed me to cum so it was of course mind melting.

I've lost track of how many times she has cum over the last two weeks. She is multi orgasmic, which I love. Each time she orders me to go down on her she'll cum at least five times before she's had enough. I am very envious, after one I just want to sleep. What's interesting is I get a lot of pleasure and satisfaction from her pleasure.

My better half has been reading about dominatrix archetypes such as Nursemaid, Governess & Amazon. She feels there is a bit of her in each archetype, but she relates most to Goddess. She explained a Goddess is sweet, believes women should be worshiped because they are the superior sex, loves oral worship, loves foot massage and generally just being adored. The male is supposed to crave any attention regardless of if it is pleasurable or painful. That is totally her, and sound a lot like me. So from now on I am to address her as Goddess rather than Mistress.

My sweet Goddess gave me a list of chores and informed me that later today I will be flogged. It will either be a little painful or very painful, depending upon how happy she is. What happened to sweet?

 

Goddess melted my mind again.

As promised she called me to the bedroom for my flogging. She instructed me to get the flogger then wait naked kneeling on the floor for her to return.

When Goddess returned she ordered me to remain kneeling, close my eyes and place my hands on the bed. From that position she could fondle my bottom and cage as she talked. Goddess explained that she would assesses my performance, adding or subtracting lashes, starting from the number of thirty lashes. She talked through my chores, which she was quite happy with, deducting lashes. Then discussed added lashes for me being messy and not cleaning up after myself. She concluded I would receive fifteen lashes with the flogger.

During my lashes she paused to question me on how much I worshiped her and why. She paused again and asked if she should continue, I replied "yes Goddess", she then explained that was the wrong answer, the correct answer was "it is your decision Goddess". Oh my god.

Later during after care cuddling I asked where she got the idea of adding and subtracting lashes. Goddess said that she'd just thought of that as she walked up the stairs to the bedroom, but she had read that suspense was a good technique to use on a submissive. She is so right, of course.

I have been told that later tonight I will be providing foot massage.

 

We’re coming to the end of four weeks of lockdown and submission. This week has been tough.

My Goddess has had higher than usual sexual drive over the first three weeks, frequently ordering me to go down on her and worship her body. In this third week she was not in the mood for me to pleasure her. We still had lots of non sex physical contact, lots of affection, lots of snuggling and lots of teasing. But no orgasms for her, and of course non for me.

She really seems to enjoy the teasing. Grabbing my cage through the day with a gorgeous smile on her face. Stroking the cage in bed. She even went so far as kissing down my body and licking around the cage, surpassing any tease fantasy I could have imagined. But then she doesn’t want me to worship her body, she’d rather have fun teasing me then just go to sleep. It is incredibly hot and incredibly frustrating.

I’ve always liked to give pleasure, I have to admit I get some level of sexual satisfaction from her orgasms. So this week was like going cold turkey. Total denial of any form of sexual release.

I try not to nag or complain and just accept her decisions. This morning I was weak and begged Goddess to let me go down her and worship. I used my super power as I begged… puppy dog eyes. I can’t use that too often, with great power comes great responsibility. Goddess decided she would let me. After licking and stoking her to four orgasms she decided that was enough. I thanked her for letting me worship her and we cuddled. I felt less frustrated.

As we cuddled I wondered if begging was what she wanted me to do all along. I asked her, did she want me to beg to pleasure her or should I not be nagging and just accept her decision. She told me not to nag, just do as I’m told. I may never understand how her mind works, I guess that’s one of the things that makes this so interesting.

 

As I was pondering her libido drop over the last week, just to confirm I have idea how her mind works, the very next night her mood flipped.

Goddess wanted me unlocked in bed so she could “play”. After some teasing caresses she rolled over and I spooned behind her thinking it’s sleeping time. Then she pushed her bottom back into we, grinding against me, turning her head so we could kiss, desperate intense kisses as she kept rubbed her bottom into me. She had suddenly turned into some sort of fantasy sex kitten. I had to move my hips back as her bottom chased me, I was so close to cuming. She rolled onto her back, grabbed my hand and shoved it into her panties. She was so damn wet. I kissed her lips and her neck as I stroked her through her orgasms. She is otherworldly beautiful when she cums. She pushed me onto my back, climbed on top and rode me. I groaned that I couldn’t hold on and she just kept riding. I must have lasted all of two minutes.

Afterward as we lay panting Goddess said “I couldn’t resist. Maybe that cage is really to protect you from me”.

 

I just realised it's been more than a month of being locked and submitting to a Female Led Relationship. According to the ticker thing at the bottom of my posts it has been one month and three days.

During that time Goddess has allowed me to orgasms three times. Which is probably more than a lot of people on this site. I've totally lost count of her orgasms.

What I find really interesting is the change in mind set. If we were in a vanilla phase of our relationship and I'd only had sex three times over this period of time I'd be feeling very neglected and unhappy. But we've been spending a lot of time together, a lot of time pleasing my better half and she's been teasing me a lot. I feel like I've been getting a lot of attention. I feel happy instead of neglected.

 

I do feel very loved up. I think love in a relationship fluctuates over time, waning and then intensifying for all sorts of different reasons.

The feeling of connection from sharing each other like this is amazing. When we were talking I tried to express how "in love" I'm feeling, but I don't have the words.

 

Last night while laying in bed I had a ball escape behind the ring. While I was debating if Goddess would be more angry if I woke her or didn't wake her the other ball escaped! The whole cage slipped off! It was a no win scenario. I went with not waking her up.

The next morning I explained why I was cage-less and Goddess explained I would be flogged.

Later in the day Goddess told me to go to the bedroom and prepare. Naked apart from my cage I waited for her with the flogger. When she entered Goddess told me to lay face down on the floor, which is new. She then stood over me, one foot standing on my bottom pressing me into the ground as she told me off. She instructed me that I am to make sure it is impossible to escape from my cage as she half stood on me. Goddess then walked around me alternating between flogging my bottom and standing on me, asking me things like "did I deserve this". God she's so good at dominating.

Afterward with a stinging bottom I just felt even closer and incredibly in love with her.

I'm attempting to drop down in ring size from 45mm to 40mm to stop accidental escape. I'm documenting that challenge in this thread - https://www.chastitymansion.com/forums/index.php?threads/getting-to-40mm.45574/

 

Thank you, I will. Goddess is keeping a stern eye on me too. Most of the time she's a very sweet, polite, caring person. She's inspected me a couple of times already and made it very clear she doesn't want anything damaged. She's more likely to order me to unlock and rest than to order me to stay locked.

 

Yesterday I raised my voice to Goddess.

I was between on-line meetings (where my inner submissive is thoroughly suppressed) and Goddess walked into my office and started angrily venting about someone we both know, I raised my voice to match and angrily asked what was I supposed to do about it and why was it my problem. There was a pause and she sternly and angrily told me I am not to speak to her that way. I lowered my voice and tone, which was hard while feeling angry and she stormed off.

Later I could tell she was still annoyed with me. When we were both calmer I apologised for my inappropriate behaviour, as we hugged I confessed I need more practice submitting to being female led.

What's really interesting is this is the first form of argument we've had since this FLR period started, nearly six weeks ago.

I noticed a long time ago that when we argue over decisions she normally gets what she wants, I sometimes delay things, but eventually she'll get her way. Agreeing that in a FLR she makes the final decision results in the same outcome, but the process does not include arguments. I think we're both happier.

Ordinarily when we'd snap at each other over something silly we would be grumpy with one another for days, eventually moving on, it wouldn't occur to me to apologise. Agreeing to submit and that she is superior made made it obvious that I should apologise. Apologising felt good.

 

Later yesterday we were cuddling in bed and talked some more about my inappropriate behaviour. Goddess pointed out that it can not be a Female Led Relationship just when I feel like it, of course she's right. Goddess said she was impressed that I had apologised for my behaviour, she said I never apologise for anything, which was a surprise to me, I didn't realise that's how I behaved. I promised that I was serious about her being my leader, that I needed more practice.

Date night is on the weekend. I suggested that we take an openly female led approach to date night, that she decides who drives, she takes control of the menu, she orders drinks and food for both of us, she pays the bill. Goddess really liked this suggestion, I think we're both excited with the idea of her being obviously in charge in public.

 

Last night was Female led date night.

Goddess told me I would drive as she planned to drink. We arrived at the restaurant and Goddess claimed the wine list and menu. As the waiter returned she order herself a cocktail, then asked the waiter what brands of beer they had, choosing from the list he described without consulting me, a huge smile on her face as she ordered.

When the waiter again returned she ordered the three courses, stating for each course “I will have… and Andy will have…”. She discussed with the waiter which sauce to have with my steak, again clearly not consulting me. She then chose the wine to go with the meal. Goddess had a smile on her face the whole time. The waiter seemed to pick up on who was in charge, from that point on all questions seemed directed to her.

We had lovely meal. Talking about life and planning holidays she might like. We were so deep in conversation we kept not noticing the waiter, who kept apologising for interrupting. Goddess ordered perfectly for me, she knows me so well, I didn’t see the menu but I could not imagine I would have chosen any differently to what she decided, right down to the details, the sauce, the wine, the beer, it was all perfect. I doubt I could order so perfectly for her. The bill arrived and she paid adding a generous tip.

As I drove Goddess home we talked about how much we are both enjoying her being in charge, the connectedness and the eroticism. We talked about how she loves to be a tease and how she feels more comfortable teasing when it does not lead to sex, unless she decides she wants it to. While I’m locked her bedtime attire has changed to lacy panties and silk nighties, when I’m not locked it’s flannelette pyjamas.

When we got home she did this smouldering eyes thing and told me to undress. We climbed on the bed, Goddess fondled my cage and then told me to go to work pushing me down between her legs. I love kissing and licking her there so much. After she came she pulled me up, handing me the keys, telling me she wanted to play with her cock. I unlocked and quickly washed Goddesses cock. This time she was fondling me rather than the cage, she pushed me down again between her legs and I went back to work, loosing count of her orgasms. Finally she dragged me up so that I was kneeling next to her head, she pushed my hand between her thighs and sucked me as I stroked her. She knows I love the position, this is my favourite thing in life, this is how I want to die. As I stroke her to orgasm she sucks me so passionately, as I kneel there with her lips around me I can see everything, I could watch this for ever. Goddess flipped me onto my back and rode me hard and fast gasping and moaning, somehow I hung on. Between pants I asked Goddess if I was allowed to cum, she hissed yes and rode me into oblivion.

 

I'm so horny.

I can't stop thinking about what we did on Saturday night, how she rode my cock like it was her favourite thing in all the world, I keep replaying it in my mind. While we dressed this morning I confessed to Goddess that I can't stop thinking about what we did, how horny I am, she gave that playful gorgeous smile, then ignored me.

It's only been three days since she let me cum, it already feels like weeks. Afterward I feel like a normal balanced rational human for a few days, then the desire gradually builds. I was straight back to begin desperate. Maybe it's the cumulative lack of release, I'm getting so much less than I'm used to. I don't know. I just know I want her, I want more and more and more, I'm in lust with her.

I'm running the numbers in my head. We don't have a schedule. Goddess plays with her cock when she feels like it. She always lets me cum when she unlocks me. That seems to happen every two to three weeks. So maybe somewhere between 11 and 20 days before she'll let me make love to her again? What if she's not in the mood. Her period is due sometime soon, she never wants to do anything when she has that. What if her period is late, could that mean I wait longer? I need to find out were she is in her cycle... what the variance is.

I'm so horny.

 

Still horny.

Goddess got her period. So no chance of sexual activity for at least a week

I guess that's better than her getting her period later, having it now should hopefully increase the probability of her wanting to play with her cock in a couple of weeks.

Release being based purely on her mood, no self play, remaining chaste until she decides, its torture. Yet at the same time it's so hot feeling controlled like this. I have strange mind.

 

Goddess still has her period, so I was a little surprised at bed time when she told me to unlock so she could play.

We climbed into bed and lay there, her head on my chest, her thigh over one of my legs as she caressed my chest, working her way down until she was stroking me. I start moaning so quickly now when she touches me, it's sort of embarrassing. Goddess stroked me to a full erection then slid down taking me into her mouth, sucking me so agonisingly slowly. Then she came up, declared it was time to go to sleep, and that I could sleep unlocked to let things breath.

I think I stayed hard the whole night. Every time I woke up, there it was, rock hard and desperate. There were embarrassing leakage stains on the sheets the next morning. Goddess commented it's like living with a teenager.

Such sweet torture.