Love and denial

A quick copy and paste entry before I go shopping and get my doggie from the kennels.

Where next?

I am on my way home after my holiday in Greece, but where am I actually going? Where is my Wife taking us?

There is no doubt that Elle is fully involved now in using her control over me, using my chastity to change the dynamic of our relationship. My Wife is unable to lie, she would be hopeless at Poker as her 'tells' are very obvious. If we ever have to bend any truth to deal with bureaucracy it is always me that has to deal with it.

My Mother taught me how to lie (no, really!) You have to tell most of the truth, just not all of it. It's a real skill. Telling an outright lie is virtually impossible, it's how the police catch you out. They ask the same question in twenty different ways knowing that if you are being truthful it won't matter. If you are lying you will change your story. My Wife just blushes and gets her sentences all jumbled up if she tries to tell even the smallest lie!

Why is this important? My Wife has said several times that she is serious about what we are doing and I believe her. She has looked like she meant what she was saying, sounded like she meant it and has done so in several different ways and for different reasons. She is also doing much more openly.

On our last morning in Greece I watched the sun rise over the Aegean Sea from our balcony, such a magical experience. I then listened to some music before I woke my Wife up with a coffee and then busied myself with packing and tidying up. My Wife sat up in the bed, reading a book and drinking her coffee. Her breasts were exposed and she looked so happy that I couldn't help but be turned on by the sight I was greeted with each time I entered the room. The fact that I was working and she was relaxing also turned me on, confirming to myself again that I am happy with this part of the arrangement.

At one point I sat next to her and she said that she was feeling guilty letting me do all the work. I told her not to be silly, I was happy. She has a stressful job and this was one last chance for me to help her relax before going back to work. She smiled at me and cupped my cheek in her hand, before giving me a big kiss. One of those moments that make everything so very worthwhile.
We had a relaxing trip to the airport. Traveling in a large group can be hard work, especially with small children. There were four kids who were seriously like herding cats but somehow we managed to gang up on them and get them onto the coach I had organized. I would make a great PA by the way, just a hopeless boss! Then the fun started. My Wife started having an argument with our eldest son who has a knack of stressing her out, which didn't help. I tried to calm her down and was basically told to shut up.

Anyway, we managed to get through security and to our departure gate. There were several times my Wife became very assertive towards me, telling me to do things for her. When we were actually boarding the plane which involved the most ridiculous bus journey ever, a trip of about 12 seconds from the bottom of the departure gate stairs to the plane, I was told to be a gentleman and walk behind my Wife in case she needed any assistance. Bear in mind this was in front of the entire group we were traveling with!

At one point I accidentally ended up in front of her, simply down to group dynamics and the flow of the crowd bustling to get on the plane. (Why do people do that? We all had defined seats for crying out loud!) She quite firmly told me off for this, again in front of everyone. Strangers as well as our group. I just smiled, said sorry, and stood behind her as I had been instructed.
Tongues will no doubt be wagging!

Back in Germany, sat on our own on the train back to the house we are staying in now before driving back home, I said to her that she had been very assertive at the airport. I wasn't sure this was on purpose or just because of the stress of traveling. She said that it was on purpose and she didn't think I had noticed. I told her that I always notice.

So what does all this mean to the bigger picture of what we are doing?

I have no idea. I don't know what is going to happen. My lovely Elle is in charge, is getting used to being in charge, is becoming happier with the idea that I am happy with this arrangement, with @Our Arrangement.

It is also obvious that our arrangement is much more than just the original idea of giving her control over my orgasms. It has grown to encompass the very fabric of our relationship and our roles and responsibilities within that relationship. All this and we have only just got started.

 

Thank you for your kind words @Pinkie. I'm really pleased that my journal has been a help. You certainly seem to be getting the hang of being in charge very quickly!

I just try to be honest so I'm really pleased that my feelings for my Wife are evident in my posts. This has been an amazing few months and things are only really getting started. I'm hoping my Wife has a similar experience wi the Mansion and finds it a safe place where she too can explore her developing sexuality. I'm not going to push her though, this has to be something she is comfortable doing without my influence.

Despite what I said about not letting her see your posts I would actually like her to see as many different viewpoints from other female members as she can. I am very sure she is strong enough to only take from them what already matches her own feelings and experiences.

 

Wow. What an evening. I wasn't expecting anything as we have had two days of travel to get home from Greece, and usually being tired means no play time with my Wife.

Once we had got home, done the shopping, got the first load of washing on and picked up our dog Elle announced that she was going to have a soak in the bath. I asked her if she wanted me to read to her and she agreed that it would be nice. I also poured her a glass of white wine to help her relax. No candles unfortunately, it was still a late summer afternoon so it was too light.

The book we are reading was set on the same island we had been staying on and parts of it were set in areas we visited. It is set before the modern tourism explosion but we recognized many of the places mentioned. I am reading the book using Elle's kindle and at one point I had to use it to block the view so I could concentrate on my reading. She had raised her right leg out of the water, stroking it and stretching. This meant she was also lifting her glistening wet pussy out of the water. As you can imagine concentration was suddenly very hard. I'm still unlocked from my device so something else was soon hard as well!

After I read a chapter she washed, got out and dried off. She went into her bedroom and lay on the bed. She let me have a lone shower whilst she read another book, then told me to give her a massage when I was nice and clean.

I tried hard to be a good husband last week, but at times being unlocked left me struggling. The desire to masturbate was stronger than at anytime since last October when I promised not to. The temptation to try and coerce her into having sex was equally hard to deal with. The sulks due to a perceived lack of opportunity to please her was the worst emotion and the hardest to deal with.

Because of this I gave her the best massage I could and although I thoroughly enjoyed the amazing view of her bottom and pussy between her spread legs, I determined to try and prove to her that she means far more to me than just a sexual object. When I finished the massage I lay down next to her and stroked her back. She told me I looked sad and I was honest and told her this was because the massage was over and I really love giving them to her. I was also annoyed with myself as it could have seemed I was sad that I wasn't going to get a chance to orally pleasure her.

Elle wasn't however finished. She wanted more from me and made it clear she did in fact want me to lick her bottom and pussy. The thing is she does still get shy and wouldn't tell me what she wanted. I was a bit naughty and asked her to say what she wanted me to do and she went gloriously shy. She did however finally, for the first time ever, very quietly and with her head buried in my chest, tell me to lick her bottom.

I love her so much, I just wish I could free her from this reticence. If for no other reason than being utterly selfish. Hearing those words, Jas, lick my bottom, turned me on so much!

So I did, and the noises she made let me know how much she enjoyed my efforts.

After a while she surprised me by asking me if I wanted to get something out of our newly put together toy collection. Oh wow, if my hornyness was waning it came back with a vengeance! I grabbed her wand massager, put some lube on the head and used it first on her bottom, then I held it against her pussy while she lay on her front, and I carried on licking her bottom.

After a while she turned over and I poured massage oil on her vulva like I learned doing the Yoni massage, inserted my middle finger into her pussy and held the wand massager against her lips and swollen clitoral hood. After a while I found the right level of pressure, she let me know through her movements and noises what that was.

And, for the second time in recent weeks, I watched and felt Elle have an amazing orgasm.

The last time she had one with the wand she described it as small and brief. Not this time. This built up slowly and wham, then it was there, hard. Those are her words, and the smile on her face as she described the experience and the orgasm it gave her melted my heart. She looked so incredibly relaxed and happy.

I think we have quite a bit to talk about after our holiday but I am more sure than ever that what we are doing, the thing Elle called @Our Arrangement is the right thing for us to continue.

 

My Wife and I spoke about our use of chastity within our relationship while we walked our dog this morning. I pretty much knew what she was going to say but it was very positive that she started the conversation rather than responded to something I had said.

Before we went she demanded that I put my device back on, and be locked up for the first time in over a week. The command in her voice was so evident that I immediately got turned on, making putting the device on problematic. I did however manage it and, as usual, thanked her when she turned the key.

During our walk She told me that due to the subtle changes in my behavior during our holiday, while I was unlocked from my device, she now realised how important the device was in helping me modify my attitude. She likes the me I have become wearing the device and realises that although the device is a symbol, the change in my behavior is not learned but supported by the device.

I explained that I had tried, really hard, to not allow myself to change simply because I was free, that I was disappointed in myself for it happening. I cannot explain why or even how I felt different, I just did. I need the device to help me be more compliant, trusting, supportive and submissive.

The fact that she likes me while I am wearing the device obviously has implications for us continuing this lifestyle. I doubt that I will be unlocked very much from now on. She is still determined this will be fun, for both of us, but it has a much more serious edge, a sense of permanence to it. She will only stop if it stops being fun and as she is having fun, that won't happen unless I do something to make it less fun. Because part of the fun comes from the way I behave wearing the device then as long as I am wearing the device the fun will continue.

These are the loops of thought that run around inside my head. I wish I was as calm and as focused as she is. Yet another reason why she is truly in charge and why I never could be.

 

I am trying not to let it get to me @Mistress B but it isn't easy. I feel like I let myself down last week, it is a relief to be locked up again.

The good thing to come out of this is my Wife is more sure than ever that she wants to continue with this chastity thing. She said tonight that if we do have to unlock in the future then 7 days is too long. She realised I was feeling a bit low this evening and gave me a good tease to cheer me up, which worked wonders.

 

One of the most incredible discoveries my Wife and I are currently making about our chastity lifestyle is how little effort has to go into it on a day to day basis to make it fun. Obviously the big weekends with tying up, wand massagers, role play, orgasms (for her) and bringing me to a state of overwhelmed confusion and begging for release are fun, but way too much for either of us to do on a regular basis.

My Wife had a bad nights sleep last night, so this evening she was really tired. I accompanied her while she had a shower but made no move or suggestion that we have our usual joint fun shower. Elle noticed this and later on thanked me for being so considerate. We did our German exercises on Duolingo as usual and then, lying together in bed, we looked at our shared Tumblr for the first time in ages.

It recently became obvious that I am obsessed with licking pussy, as that was pretty much the only type of image I posted. For the past week I have been searching out other images that turn me on and writing more about my thoughts and ideas. As Elle was so tired I read them out to her. It became a more and more difficult experience for me as I became incredibly turned on. In effect I was teasing myself!

The final straw was when I got to a gif of a woman on all fours, being made love to by a handsome guy behind her. Her breasts sway in exactly the way Elle's do. The gif not only teased me because it looked like Elle but also because it played to my fantasy of seeing her with someone else. Elle was giggling the way she does while enjoying my reaction to her teasing.

We went back downstairs to watch some olympics. Our son was sat at the computer with his back to her so I was shocked to walk into the room with a drink for her, to find Elle sat on the sofa with her legs wide apart and her pussy exposed. She absolutely knew what she was doing as she hungrily looked at me paying attention to my reaction.

Later I sat on the floor beside her and she very deliberately rested her foot on my device.

Nothing amazingly over the top happened but I am hopelessly turned on. I am more happy about this than I can possibly explain. Everything I described took very little time. The Tumblr session was the longest but that took ten minutes while we lay in bed together, relaxing. Long may we continue to have naughty evenings like this.

 

The thing that gets me about all this @Caged Wolf is this. Was this part of my Wife always in there? You have been reading my ramblings pretty much since I joined the Mansion so you are aware of the speed of her transition. She pretty much said yes straight away when I asked her to lock me up in a chastity device, but the chastity angle only really started making sense to her after several months. The recent acceleration of her assertiveness has been quite something to experience!

She still has her hard limits and there is much of the fantasy of chastity that we haven't tried or got to yet. She is pretty much teaching herself, trying new things out and seeing what turns her on. But before we did any of this she was a fun but vanilla lover. We had good sex most of the time but certainly nothing worth writing about.

Since we started this chastity thing though her development has been nothing short of amazing. I don't think it is finished though. My previous period of chastity was 2 1/2 months. Nothing amazing in comparison to some people but that was only after a few goes of four to five weeks. So from the word go she was never worried about only doing this for a few days. I wanted to be chaste? Fine, then let's do this properly. I'm now just a few days away from 2 months since my last full orgasm for the second time in a row. And now She is getting to grips with ruining my orgasms so I only see this developing in one way.

She loves the way I respond to her attention after I have been denied for at least four weeks. It gets better as I get closer to the eight weeks span. By then a rub of my bottom in a supermarket and I'm almost falling over. She refuses to have any game in charge of my release, no dice, no cards, no envelopes. She is fully in control. She is also having many, many more orgasms than she has ever done before and is only just getting used to her new Wand Massager and how good that is.

We all know that if we tried to explain all this to the uninitiated that our Wives would seem selfish and uncaring, but nothing could be further from the truth. I get, or at least notice, way more attention than I have ever done before.

As I've said before, there is no going back, even if I wanted to. How on earth would I be able to give this all up?

 

I have been punished and it very nearly ended this entire use of chastity to define the relationship I have with my Wife. But not because I wanted to stop, or because I felt I had been dealt with harshly or unfairly. It was because my Wife was so upset seeing how distressed I was and thought she had been cruel to me.

Context.

After our week in Greece, Elle tells me that I have not been as good as usual, more cheeky, less compliant. During the week that followed I tried really hard to please her, to do the things I didn't on holiday. While I mostly managed to do this at some point every day I did something small, something ridiculous that meant I got told off. Nothing I did was malicious but it did deserve telling off for.

Thursday night though was good and Elle tells me she is looking forward to the weekend and wants a Yoni massage. Yes! I loved the last time I did that.

Friday night starts really well. I pick her up from work and I take her shopping. I cook a really nice dinner, a goulash with griddled seasoned pork medallions (I really can cook.) I was on my own in the kitchen, Elle upstairs reading. I shut the doors and played my music fairly loud as I do when I am happy and having fun. (Yes, I have fun cooking!) Just as I was finishing Elle stomped into the kitchen and shouted at me when the hell was dinner going to be ready and she had a headache from my music.

In an instant I knew any chance of fun that evening was over. The distress that I had caused her a headache through not thinking and the impact this was having on our evening was intense. I had to stay in the kitchen and wash up for a few minutes as I didn't want my sons to see me on the verge of crying.

After dinner I was ignored by Elle who was obviously in a very bad mood. She sat on her sofa and read a book. I have often replied to threads in the mansion asking about punishment and I have said that the worst for me other than her throwing the keys at me is to be ignored. And here it was, it was happening. Any other day of the week this would have been bad, but given it was a Friday it was horrible. I went and sat at her feet and it was a good two hours before she acknowledged my presence. She refused any offers of a drink and just sat and read.

Punished? I can hear some of you wondering what I am talking about. But it was horrible, really horrible. Her obvious disdain for me really pierced me and the fact I had caused this through thoughtlessness made me feel miserable.

When it was late and way past any possible time she could have relented she announced we were going to bed. When we got to the bedroom she really exploded when she saw that her lamp was unplugged. I had been listening to music earlier in the day and had swapped the plug over.

She stood, glaring at me, hands on her hips and the look of frustrated anger she gave me punched me in the stomach. I had done it again. At first I nearly laughed at how ridiculous this scenario was, but then the feelings inside me really intensified and I was left standing, no response. I stood by her bed and asked permission to go to my own. She told me I had to get into bed with her and give her a cuddle. In the dark I lay next to her, rested my head on her shoulder and felt terrible. I couldn't hug her, I didn't feel like I had the right. I apologized for being thoughtless yet again. After a while I was dismissed and went to bed, though sleep was elusive.

It was the look on my face when she told me off for the second time that is why we nearly stopped. Elle felt really bad, I looked so distressed that she felt she had been cruel to me and started wondering whether all of this was worth it. As we lay in bed I was obviously really upset, that had upset her which had in turn upset me even more as I was now causing Elle distress.

The next morning I took Elle a coffee and hugged her and thanked her for disciplining me. I told her that at no time had she been cruel, and her punishments were justified and deserved. The reason I was so upset was her opinion of me means so much and I had been trying so hard to please her since getting back from Greece. That my thoughtlessness had been the cause of all of this made it worse.

I told Elle that another reason this hit me so hard was because she has convinced me that this is much more than a simple game, and it is important to both of us. Over the past few months we have transitioned into a true (but moderate) FLR. Our use of chastity brings Elle so much pleasure and I am determined to continue with it. I am not a whiny husband, I never complain about being locked up and I only start to beg to be allowed an orgasm after some intense teasing.

We used my Saturday priviliges to talk about what had happened. Elle thanked me for being so nice and explaining my feelings about what had happened. I told her that I didn't want her to go soft on me, that nothing she had done was cruel or unjustified. I also told her how I understood that her role in this was at times as difficult as mine was, but I am determined to help her. This pleased her a lot and is probably why I am still locked up and she is still my Mistress.

One amusing side note. I told Elle that I had read a thread in the mansion about a Mistress who is completely incapable of disciplining her husband, so she sends him to a professional Domme.

That would be fun to watch!

Gulp.

 

It was very definitely me @Caged Wolf . It's been a while since we had a blip.

Is the fact it sounded like someone else because what has been happening to us has been positive for so long? There was obviously more going on than I wrote, reading it again it doesn't sound much of a punishment now, but Elle really did have a mini crisis over my reaction. She really didn't enjoy feeling like she was being mean to me.

 

Just to explain, my music was loud for me but not exactly loud for my Wife. She was trying to read a book and concentrate on it. The music was muffled and put her off. She didn't get the headache from the loudness of the music but for the distraction it caused from her reading.

There is a time and place for everything. If she had been doing something other than reading, such as doing some housework (which despite being the boss she still insists on doing, and I have learned never to question that!) then as long as she liked the music it would have been fine.

As for girls thinking different to us lads, the differences make me wonder if we are the same species at all! Venus and Mars hardly covers the difference. Sometimes I think we come from different galaxies, not just different planets. .

 

Absolutely, Wolf. To be honest the entire thing was a positive, learning experience for both of us. It was the first real test of our new dynamic since my Wife truly took the reigns and it could have so easily ended very differently.

I know that reading my description hardly gives a full description of what happened and it can seem that my Wife's reaction was petty, but going through it I know that I was in the wrong and my Wife was fully justified. The conversation that we had the next morning rescued things. If I had felt hard done by and complained or been sulky, my Wife's feeling that she had been cruel and unable to continue would have been strengthened. My assurances that nothing she had done was wrong helped her feel better and we did indeed get over the blip of Friday.

My Wife doesn't hold grudges so when we woke up Saturday morning it was a new day and she allowed me the chance to apologise and discuss what had happened the night before. Later on we went to a local event and spent a wonderful evening together, not getting home until 01:00. We had been sat in the garden of a Schloß (a German stately home) listening to music and watching fireworks where my Wife gleefully teased me, not worrying about the crowd around us although obviously with our clothes still on!

Then on Sunday morning we had a shower together, then I gave her a massage before helping her to her 50th orgasm of the year. She thinks it is funny that I am counting, a boy thing. I know 50 isn't much for many by this point in the year but for us it is quite incredible. Both of us are well aware that we are having much more intimate times than previously.

 

At least the word I chose sounds right.

Well, she is my Queen after all.

My Wife is definitely against being described as my Godess and she doesn't like being put on a pedestal. She doesn't think she or other females are inherently superior to males, in her experience both genders have the capacity to be idiots as well as heroes.

But Queen, that I think she could possibly accept.

 

Your thoughts and ideas are very helpful @KatyTwilight , especially the ones about how holidays cause stresses in a relationship. It's funny, isn't it. You go on holiday to relax! The sad thing is we did talk before we went, just not about the things that happened. This could be our last holiday with a group for a good while, so it will be interesting to see what happens next time. We are going skiing in Austria just before Christmas, but those weeks we are usually far too tired for sex anyway.

As for having a break away from this dynamic, my Wife has actually said that in the future she definitely wants me locked up when we go on holiday. This time it was because of the people we travelled with. I can honestly say though that I doubt many people wear a Holy Trainer in Greece or somewhere hot like that during the summer!

The thing is this dynamic is actually very easy on my Wife. The amount of effort she puts into it is minimal and she enjoys teasing me so much that it is almost a daily occurrence now, it's just a few minutes here or there. You are also so right about her sometimes not wanting to think about having orgasms. We were rapidly approaching her 50th, should have got there at the end of June. Because of everything that has happened it is a month and a half later before it has happened.

We won't travel again until the end of September, so we will see how well we get back into our routine over the next few weeks.

 

The last few days have been a mixture of great and horrible. Wednesday night my Wife decided to let me give her a highly unusual mid week massage and orgasm. Normally I have to wait until the weekend. What was horrible was at the time I knew something wasn't right with me and I was right. The next day I came down with a 48 hour flu bug and spent two days listless and lethargic, mostly sleeping. Elle was fabulous and really looked after me. That's how I know it wasn't just man flu and I really was ill, she doesn't do misplaced sympathy. I broke my ankle once and she told me to get on with it and stop feeling sorry for myself!

Last night we went out for a meal to celebrate our son passing his a levels and getting into University (yay, debt!) I was allowed out of my Holy Trainer to wash after two weeks of being locked up. Elle went downstairs and left me alone. She trusts me which is sometimes great and sometimes not. Having recently received some cock rings from Lovehoney I decided to take the opportunity to see if they work. I totally didn't masturbate! I just used some of my favorite Tumblr videos to get me aroused and the rings do make a subtle but significant difference.

To help me calm down I decided to put on my old Attica device. This was the third device I had bought and I couldn't wear due to the way the hinged ring twisted and pinched underneath my balls. I decided to see if was ok and was astounded to find how much my body has changed. When I first got it I had to use the largest of the four rings and the last time I put it in I had gone down a ring. Last night I had to go to the second smallest ring! My balls have stretched so much! It felt great, the weight of the metal device and the smooth grip of the ring a totally different experience to the HT.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why my Wife has decided that the HT is probably going to be our long term device. We had planned on going to a metal device, maybe the Looker 2, but now she is not so sure. For some couples the cleaning regime of the HT is an issue, but Elle thoroughly enjoys it. The HT only comes off once every few weeks and she doesn't see that as an issue.

The significant difference though is in how the HT contains the penis and removes it from the arousal cycle. In my Attica I could actually touch my penis through the bars and become aroused. My penis would swell inside the cage and I would get about 1/3 of my normal erection. The root of my penis that becomes completely engorged when I am aroused wearing my HT was hardly engorged at all. This wasn't good news for Elle as that has become her target when she teases me.

I said that the cost of the HT was an issue but her response was not if you take into account you wear it almost every day. £150 over a year actually works out very cheap. I do need that new ring though, wearing the Attica truly showed how I need a tighter grip to keep me effectively contained. At the moment I can pull my penis out so easily I hardly need to remove the device at all.

Another issue is that I wouldn't be able to exercise wearing the Attica and that is important to me. The HT is so light you hardly notice it is there.

A small but definitely significant moment in the ongoing development of our use of my chastity.