Hi all, I am new to chastity and to bdsm/kink. I am a 39M married to a 47F. We have been married for about 2 years, together for 8. She admits to being very vanilla because of her upbringing and and prior marriage. I, on the other hand, am into pegging, forced fem, light CBT and pretty much open to most things except humiliation, though I didn't start exploring it openly until around the time we got married, its scary being so vulnerable so I hid it. Our marriage has been kinda rough because of a lack of sex and frequent masturbation on my part. Also, we moved for my job, so she feels powerless, and unnecessary. I was curious about if chastity for the KH could actually help their baseline mental health in those areas? I am trying to find a way to help her find herself again, she used to be fiercely independent, which was hot as hell. I am submissive only in the bedroom and neither of us have an interest in FLR as she felt like she did that for 20 years with her first husband and she has no interest in making all the decisions again. Is chastity even viable in that scenario without progressing to FLR? We are going to try chastity today for the first time today. Insight and suggestions are appreciated. Also let me know if this is not the place for this discussion.
Chastity might help. But what helps better I think is good communications. Talk to her. Don't lead the discussion. Tell her what your thinking. Help her. Don't push. If she seems like she might be interested, there are a ton of good books she can read. See: Amazon.com: Be Careful What You Wish For: The Ultimate Guide to Male Chastity eBook : Jameson, Sarah: Kindle Store
Welcome to our community. Look around and you might find discussions of similar situations. Good luck and enjoy.
Sounds like you need to talk to her, and also consider a marriage councillor. Or, you could just add some sex toys and hope that it fixes all of the issues you have. I could suggest some sex toys if you like. Let me know.
Honestly? You need to talk to her. Because you're trying to push your ideals on her and I guess she's had that before. Talk to her.
I’m a great believer in chastity and that it can save marriages, it saved mine. BUT…. In your case, I would say no. I don’t think it would suitable in your current situation. I would suggest talking, and finding out how she feels and what she wants. If you push for chastity or anything out of her comfort zone then your just going to hinder any chance of her participating in any kinks in the future. by all means suggest chastity as an option and test the waters, but I would have other ideas that you can add to the list of suggestions and see which ones she is comfortable with trying. And if she’s not happy to try anything yet, don’t push it, you’ll just have to accept it and try again at a later date. It sounds to me like there are issues or maybe even trauma that she is dealing with internally, and the last thing you want to do is push her away and/or make her feel pressured. Chastity is always a great option, but I don’t think now is the time to pursue it in your current circumstances. You need to work on the relationship and build a close bond mentally and emotionally before you consider any physical aids.
Chasity can help a marriage or a person be a better more attentive husband. It's not a cure all however. Maybe address the underlying issues first.
I have been reading a lot of blog posts and the male perspective on it. It seems that most men do chastity as a kink in some fashion, and there were some behaviors that needed "correction" (which I dont quite understand). We talked and she felt that the only thing she needed was less masturbation from me, but otherwise I am very attentive to her needs. After talking with her, my motivation for chastity has to do with giving her total control on an aspect of our lives, which in our situation really is the only place she can exert control, and to cut down on masturbation. I can't tell of this is a functional motivation and if there are pitfalls to watch out for. She is curious about it though which is good I guess, she did buy me a pink cage .
Yet, in your original post, in the first paragraph, you start by listing all of the things you want her to do to you. What makes her life better? What will you do for her? Chastity is additional work for her. A lot of work. If you make it about her, she might be more interested. Be careful with your motivation, if you make her a promise, then use it as a vehicle just to get kink, you put the relationship at risk. Chastity can be practiced without a FLR. They compliment each other, but are independent. Above all, communicate. As recommended in the other replies, it is the one thing you can do to improve your relationship. Chastity and FLR can provide the catalyst for better communications. Just make sure your intentions are clear and open.
Honestly thank you. I didn't realize how much pressure being a KH put on her, this is something very new to us. She says shes never really thought about any fantasies, so I have been trying to suggest stuff to see what sparks an interest.
You are welcome. Go slow, and let her move at her own pace. Once my wife understood she was in control of sex, our relationship improved considerably.
Leave the fantasies to the side, and just focus on your porn addiction, which feeds the beast. My wife isn't into fantasy, but me not masturbating and waiting for her is something she appreciates. Lock it up!
Mental health is something every person needs a check-up every once in a while to keep them moving forward. The problem is in America, if someone seeks help you become marked for being weak, suck it up they like to say. Crossdressing being bi interest in lifestyle activity all take a toll because we spend so much time of our life hiding from it. Convincing ourselves we are bad for having these thoughts. Our personnel fix find someone, not lifestyle that will fix me?purging of cloths, sex toys delete internet because we think it will make us normal. I have been diagnosis with CPTSD.from childhood, PTSD CBI from the Army. I would recommend both of you seeking help. They have numerous doctors lifestyle friendly I now see one every few weeks, good luck my friend, keep us updated.
Tbh this might not be something either of you are happy about, even if she agrees. Motivations matter, and expectations unmet can lead to resentment. If she is kinda vanilla, and you think this might be an easy way to make her feel more comfortable because she’s always in control of when and if your boner makes an appearance it could certainly help. It could also make you both feel upset if 1. You keep bugging her to unlock you 2. You push her to tease or somehow keep you all horned up. 3. You pout about not enough sex or too much. You feel resentment because she’s not playing like you want her to, and she feels that all that control is an illusion and she’s simply indulging kink on your terms. Along with that she also might feel it’s her fault for failing your fantasy. If you two set up some ground rules, boundaries, lots of respect and courtesy, it can be a very liberating experience for both of you. There is no hard and fast rule about leading in the bedroom becoming a flr or assigning roles outside of it. Sure if she is curious about taking the lead, this would certainly be an easy transition, but people do what they are comfortable with and chastity or keyholding doesn’t turn you into something you don’t want to be. I have found that many try to work around their partner’s vanilla low sex drive, by giving them a passive role as keyholder. “We are already not having sex, if I could get her to be the sole person in charge of sex she would have to initiate sex eventually”. Then comes the rule making and passive demands like “you can unlock me anytime you want but at least once a week for ___ and I get to cum at least ___ times per ___.” If you do go through with introducing this as a lifestyle, I suggest a big long talk about what you want out of this, what she needs this to be, and be ok with her not fulfilling your fantasy just the way you dreamt it up. Good luck