It's Her Kink, Not Mine, So Why Is It So Damn Effective?

[sorry for long back to back posts but wanted to get this out there before a website blocker gets installed on this computer]

A bit more on my 2nd point previously: She gets off by being in charge. We have talked about this a few times now and I don’t think it is BS, nor is it a “learned” thing where she is trying to make up for years of abuse or anything. She is also a natural take charge person for sure, but this seems to go even deeper. We have both noticed a common thread in many/most women who have embraced male chastity: they like the control. She agreed and feels that, maybe because it was her fantasy for years and not mine, she simply has taken that a step further and needs to feel fully Alpha to maximize her pleasure (and she admits that other women may not take it this far, but thinks they are turned on by the same internal need).

I don’t know why I didn’t see this earlier. Now I think “of course that is what she gets out of it”. Yet still, this goes deeper than the obvious IMHO. I have been in clear control of a partner before and never came from it, yet she surely does. I suspect a strong subconscious urge at work again and this time I have a theory, and if you are reading this far you are likely at least amused by my theories, so here goes:

“How to Save Your Marriage Without Talking About It” is a great book in the same vein as “Men are from mars…” and really struck a chord when I was getting divorced. Based on my own experience the book is a brilliant observation into human/sexual motivations. The basic theory, and I apologize to the authors for over-simplifying, is that women and men communicate with the same words but are motivated internally in far different ways. They go back to the stone age to argue a successful, surviving family unit is one in which the husband protects and provides for his family, and a successful husband will feel great satisfaction from accomplishing the same – it is natures way of telling him he is doing the right thing and his blood line will survive. The wife (who runs the house) on the other hand, does not value “success” in the same manner. From the same evolutionary basis, she knows her family will survive and prosper if she feels that she has her man in control, in orbit of her. And she measures this with the emotion of “love”. When she feels love she knows she has her man in orbit and he will provide for the family unit. She feels safer and secure and wants to produce offspring, i.e. is much more likely to want to make love. The point of the book is that by simply understanding our different subconscious motivations we can be a better partner. Of course there are snags to evolutionary theories and this doesn’t explain why some women are turned on by bad boys, etc., but read the book if you want their take on all this, the general points rang true enough for me.

My Queen, who used to dismiss this book as one of a dozen or so I read in desperate divorce moments (although she was happy I had taken so much effort to care) suddenly perked up when I brought this up. She totally agrees now that there is something in this theory. An obvious point: when I am wearing a cage my chance of cheating is zero. She knows I won’t cheat even without the cage, but she tells me that is not the same as knowing that I am physically prevented from having sex with someone else. It turns her on to know that I am in her, and only her, orbit. Upon coming home one of the first things she does is feel for the cage and she immediately is both comforted and turned-on, almost every time. If she is having a fitful rest she will spoon up against me to feel the cage and immediately pass out. Indeed, she tells me there is no way that I can truly appreciate how satisfying, reassuring and sexually stimulating it is for her to have the reassurance that I am 100% in her control.

Lately, turning the corner on 9-10 months without a proper orgasm, I have been coming to terms with not coming. By the end of Loctober I was almost forgetting about sex. Guess what? She read me like a book. A book she really didn’t like. For her, having me in her orbit means not only not cheating, but that I am focused on her, desperate even. So on the last day of October she took me out and edged me several times and promised No-vember to follow, but then took me out on Nov 7 for several more edges. She made it clear that she alone has the right to alter the rules and will always do so to keep me guessing and not-at-peace. In fact she has promised that I WILL get another orgasm. Some day. She wants to deny me even the certainty of knowing I won't orgasm. It needn't be the same for every man, but she (and her Dom friend) think it is best in my case to always keep me guessing and never “in control” of my own libido. [Damn it works, too]

That guessing, that “so close but oh-so-far” feeling does indeed keep me horny and motivated. It is the essence of the love-hate chastity paradox for me. That feeling like I am 17 again chasing “the prize”. For me, if you take away any chance, if you tell me that I am locked and that is simply it, I will force my mind to move on to something it can control. But if you shake it up a bit and keep that prize in focus then damn, I’m gonna chase it and I cannot control myself. She knew that before I did.

Coming back to the hypothesis, she keeps me securely in her orbit with the cage, with the teasing, with “the want”. I can’t go anywhere and don’t want to. I feel love (and show it) like never before. And when I satisfy her, with service, sex or sexual service, I feel that accomplishment that I need so fundamentally. When she beams at me for being a good boy in my cage it is like cave man me just brought home a lion for dinner.

I don’t think this is everything that goes on behind the scenes in our chastity brains, but it sure does explain at least one major female keyholder motivation to me (and my Queen 100% agrees). She was a bit disappointed that I was “closing in” on her motivations so I asked “why is that a bad thing: if I know what satisfies you, and I feel accomplished by satisfying you, isn’t that a good thing?”. She has come to agree, and knowing this has reshaped some of our conversations. I have said several times that the one thing I have done “right” (chastity wise) is to share what works (not necessarily what I want or think might work), and this allows me to focus on just that and gives her feedback that I am, indeed, in her orbit.

 

I did it. I "topped from the bottom" and I am damn proud of it. Well, sort of.

So I mentioned that we were fighting. My Queen is strong, VERY strong willed. And when we fight it is always nuclear war. I hate that, but it is what it is. I would much sooner she use her feminine power to put me in my place but sometimes her temper gets the best of her and it goes down hill.

And when she is truly mad at me? The cage loses it's magic. I still don't know how long for. Eventually the magic comes back on steroids, but if she is mad enough, and if I really think we are done, then there is no more pressure. So I did it. The night before she went away for the week with her daughter and girlfriends I told her: "thank goodness we have been fighting - this way I can spend the next week at peace and not fighting the cage".

Yup. It was simple as that. Within 20 seconds I was handcuffed and she was unlocking the cage. I struck the jackpot! It was sill NO vember and I was getting unlocked!!! And she worked me over. Hand jobs, a bit of mouth service and then, yes wait for it, she climbed on top and rode me. Heaven. Pure heaven.

Of course she made it very clear "NO cumming OR ELSE". Small price to pay versus being locked and denied. Who doesn't want to feel the joy of an erection?! It was truly wonderful! But a few things became very clear:

I really don't like her riding me if I am not allowed to cum. All of a sudden it is not about me but about her. In fact, I have to work overtime thinking about our last dog that died or some other very unpleasant thing or else I will cum. All of a sudden I cannot be "in the moment" at all. Yet for some strange reason I know that I don't dare let myself go and ejaculate in her. THAT would be bad, very bad, for me.

She took pity on me and had me put on the strap on and rode me to at least 5 wonderful orgasms for herself. WONDERFUL is not a big enough word. And I was immediately reminded that sex is NOT about male orgasm but rather about sharing a closeness between two lovers. About HER orgasm. About the moment. WONDERFUL. Not big enough but a start. Enough for me to really be thankful that she reminded me not to cum, as I would have missed it all.

So here I sit, she is in Florida having a blast with 3 of her lady friends. I am paying for it, and I don't mind. What I DO mind is that I cannot think straight. I am losing my f***ing mind. I can only think of her. Of her hand on my member. Of that glorious erection. Of her orgasmic energy riding my strap on. I so cannot wait for her to come back so I can serve her in any way she wants.

I showed her. I topped form the bottom and convinced her to unlock me. I am clever. All I ever promised her was to be honest about what "worked" and what didn't. And that's all I did, and I used it to get a stretch out of the cage earlier than she promised. I am so clever. I just can't wait for her to come back so I can show her how much I miss her...

 

Pretty sure she won the battle, too. She calls me everyday and can tell just by the sound of my voice that I am climbing the walls without her here. It nakes her whole day. She clearly has me trained to cue her in on my state of mind and then adjusts her tactics accordingly. And for some reason I cannot lie. This week would have been MUCH easier on me without that stretch.

I guess that is a good thing. If I am locked up too long without attention I adapt to my locked state, which gives me some level of control back. That is exactly what she does not want to happen. With me trained so well she doesnt have to guess. I am compelled to tell her as soon as I feel like I am catching my breath, which is her cue to change things up. So I am indeed the master of my own demise.

 

One Year Lessons

Recently made it past the one year mark of “continuous” lock-up. Interestingly, my last Orgasm was on International Male Chastity Day, Jan 14, of 2022 (not that my Queen even noticed at the time but hard for me to forget). Haven’t journaled much in the last months so what follows are a long list of my observations of the transition from shorter to longer chastity as if I were counseling my younger self.

“Continuous” in this case means: Out of the cage without restraints twice, on one occasion I was able to touch my penis (for a urine sample). Maybe 4-6 ruined orgasms induced by her (and stopped because she didn’t like the subsequent drop), and two spontaneous in the cage due to immense frustration. She still takes me out for play or cleaning maybe every other week when we are not apart. Otherwise, the keys (Lori’s 2D with retainer ring and dual keys) stay in the safe.

The observations:

It’s Okay (really). If you are one of those who think it is impossible or cruel to go a year without orgasms, I can tell you it is neither.

I. Did. Not. Ask. For. This. (Lesson: long term chastity can work regardless of your pre-disposition, it is what you both make of it.)

I will repeat for the guys/gals in the back: You absolutely do NOT have to do long term chastity, but if you do choose to, then you might find it very rewarding. Be open, honest, share what works (not what you want to work) and stay open minded. Also: Men, don’t force this on her!!!

9 months. That is how long it took me to stop fighting and focus on the good sex we were/are having (i.e. to really, logically, understand sex does not equal me ejaculating).

No! One does not forget about sex. It is on my mind now more than ever before in my 60+ years now that I can’t self-regulate (one of her favorite parts).

What DON’T I like about this? Being out of control (susceptible), penile claustrophobia (if you are well locked long term you will know what I mean). Cost of time and occasional discomfort.

What DO I like? Every day my desire for my wife increases. I love holding her, breathing her in. I REALLY love pleasing her. She sees this and feels complete as a woman and confident, which turns me on even more. And it just keeps getting better. How do you put a price on this??? This is sooo much better than the love fading away situation...

Lots else to like: Lots more attention from her and lots of opportunity to have sex and to pleasure her. She is very open to advances now. Lots of dopamine a lot of the time (and it appears not to have a “cost” - read Dopamine Nation).

Orgasms?: Of course they felt great. But EMC (after 9 months in my case) helped me understand that sex is a shared journey and not a destination. Everyone knows this, of course, but deeply appreciating it takes experience without them.

I still feel an overwhelming drive to “plant my seed”. I think this inherited drive/want is what makes the whole thing work so it is not a negative.

Physically, my penis is very easily over-stimulated now. Interestingly I can last a lot longer than ever before if she chooses to ride me (or “soak”). It is a wonderful shared experience!

Good or bad, my penis does not reach the same length. She teases me (SPH) and somehow it turns me on. I am sure the length could come back, but we are equally sure we would be disappointed in PIV orgasm at this point. It is no longer the magical destination.

Summarizing: I enjoy my fate now. I finally appreciate the good things that are worth the sacrifice. The frustration is like a runner’s high.

If it can happen to me, it can happen to anybody. I am not naturally submissive. I took pride that I could not be controlled by my little head. Boy was I wrong. She played the game perfect until I was hooked.

At a very deep level, I am convinced men are more motivated by the chase, and by pleasuring women, than they are by the reward of orgasm despite its intensity. Submission strikes at these fundamentals.

These changes are mirrored in her. Long term denial has allowed her to get over the fear that chastity would drive me away, and rather insures that I focus on her and stay in her orbit - thus satisfying a primal need/desire for her. With that security she is free to grow. This confidence, in turn, makes her incredibly fun and sexy and is a big win for both of us.

Come to think about it, it took her about 6 months to get comfortable, but I wasn't ready yet. That is exactly the time I enjoyed a lot of ruined's. They ended at about 9 months, which is about when I accepted my fate. Hmmm...? Do you think? No, she couldn't be that smart or intuitive. Impossible...

The power exchange at long term lockup is so different than short term. No longer can she bribe me with a promise of an orgasm I know is not coming, yet I am much more willingly compliant and eager to please. It is less of a game now and more of a true change.

Likewise, I am more comfortable now to share my wants and needs – and she is more trusting and responsive. Think about this, guys: If all you focus on is PIV sex with her, it’s like a broken record and gets old in a hurry no matter how well hung you are. Have you tried saying “It has been several days since we were close, and I could really use some attention. Can I pique your interest somehow?” I seldom get the whole sentence out. She wants to be wanted and appreciated and the sex part sort of takes care of itself. I just have to accept that it will not end with a sticky mess.

For some reason I still need high security. She started this and it is sort of a CNC relationship and that makes the mojo work for me for some reason (I am sure others are different). Can’t explain this but when I had access to the key I quickly lost interest. But I am 100% honest with her and she finds the effort well worth the reward. Win-win.

Publicly in other areas of our lives, I continue to lead in many ways, albeit with much more respect for her (and the occasional wink from her to remind me of the power balance beneath the sheets).

It never gets old. It is so easy for her to change routines and we have a new sex life, or me to bring home a new toy giving her the benefits of a new man and her husband at the same time. Just yesterday bought a relatively cheap dual density dildo and rocked her world just by having something a little different. And the chase, did I mention the chase?

Spending long times caged has changed my view on so many things. I won’t go into the details as it might disturb some as kinky, but my/our hard limits have become soft limits and soft limits have become fetishes. An observation, not a complaint as the cage has expanded, not constricted, my sex life. I never could have understood that before.

My parting conclusion: Whoever said “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks” never tried locking up the old boy’s dick.

 

Thanks, guys, for all the nice comments. I agree there are a lot of similarities in our stories. Just a few comments:

Please don't ever let your male brain think this is a contest - if she wants you out every week for service then count yourself very lucky and enjoy it. You can still grow and learn by focusing on her desires. Indeed, it might be the braver/harder task to see beyond your orgasms while you are still having them!

Penile claustrophobia starts, of course, with wanting to spurt. Soon you desperately miss erections. But eventually, as @Chaz69 says, you just really wish you could move it, scratch it, feel air on it, anything! That part, for me (my Lori's holds the little guy down without mercy), can be less than fun at times. My Queen tries to oblige, assuming I've been good and she has time, but that provides very short relief and also pushes my control buttons.

While on that subject I forgot one other thing I don't like about EMC: Lack of sleep. Not just nocturnal erections (still have those but not painfull) but I wake up often with an insatiable need to serve her or, if we are apart, snuggle. Anyone else find they get less actual sleep now?

 

A tale of many orgasms:

Hers and mine (even if mine were “ruined”). Advance warning: this is a long post and should have been several smaller posts. And Yes, it is bragging a bit about my wonderful chastity life. It is also an observation of what seems to work. On with it…

February was our 2nd wedding anniversary. That was VERY important to me because she has consistently told me that the only “special” day I could possibly look forward to an orgasm, would be our wedding anniversary. It had been over a year since my last real O, and she had hinted a few times that it would be our anniversary or nothing, I was REALLLLLY looking forward to it. You long termers know what I am saying. But when the day came around the signs were not good. We were on vacation with the kids, she was just getting over a bug and I was just coming down with it. Again not good. Still we spooned and I told her how much I appreciated her attention, just like every night. She responded by fondling my cage. Then fingering the tip. Then stopping. Then starting again. Suddenly she said “go ahead and come now”. BLURP. It was done. Faster than I could type that word and as hot and sexy as the word sounds. One-of-the-most-dismal orgasms of my life. She smiled, kissed me, and said “see, I told you that you might get an orgasm on our anniversary and you did. I think that is quite enough for this year!” and proceeded to roll over. Lesson: I never know what is going to happen next, but apparent she does.

Now a few back to back for her: Move ahead a few weeks. She was about to go to Florida for a month and we both are discussing how much we will miss each other. We play. She tells me I can get the “real one” (the one in the drawer). We play some more and I climb on top of her, asking if it is OK. She smiles “yes” – this is hugely special for me because it is the first time in 13 months I have been in the traditional missionary position for sex - and it feels sooo powerful. We go at it. She climaxes. I stop immediately because not only am I quickly tired but I am going to blow a nut I am so excited. She laughs and pushes me over. Lesson: it might have felt nice to be on top, but the outcome was ordinary at best.

Her, part II: She is a fan of multiple orgasms and immediately (after above) jumps on top of me and goes to town. Over and over. Cowboy and reverse. I lose count and am encouraged to push and buck back like a bull. Eventually she hits the “big one” and screams, digs her nails in hard, arches her back, etc. etc. and finally collapses. When she finally rolls over I realize the bed is now on the other side of the room. It is immensely heavy, with a solid wooden base. It takes all I have to push it back, which is enough effort for me to realize that I had just been taught a lesson: My best attempt to be a man, not a bad attempt either, with a large, realistic, penis that wouldn’t go soft was still weak. When she took charge it was better. Much better.

Back to me: So after all this fun, on our same last night before parting, she is still not done. Shortly after regaining her composure she jumps up, cuffs my hands, and unlocks my cage. She plays with me. Of course I love it. Then she pulls out BOB and puts it against me. OMG!!! Just as fast she moves it from my happy spot (glans) to my tip. - PAIN!!! I try to react but she has me pinned down. Back to the happy spot. Back to the tip. A bit on the back side. Back. Forth. Soon I stop fighting her. She starts smiling. Then giggling. Then I feel it. She warns me not to cum. I beg her to stop. Both because I might cum and because of the pain. She doesn’t slow down one bit. I beg more. I scream. Eventually I explode – in probably the best and most memorable orgasm of my life. As I calm down from the edge I realize she is laughing hysterically. She grabs a wet wash cloth and wipes me up, climbs on top of me and screws the top of the cage back down. Later, still giggling, she tells me that I was never remotely hard and she couldn’t believe how much control she has over me now. Neither can I.

The next story is a month later. I visit her in FL and we are having a great time together. On the second to last night we had a major session. I was well tied to the bed and she put a condom on me – a sure sign that she was going to let me cum, or at least leak or something. Needless to say I was excited! She jumped on and started riding me. I have been pretty well trained to hold back until given permission so this went on a nice while. Just then I heard the words: “Go ahead and cum, baby”, but as she was saying this she flopped down on me and went limp. I tried to thrust – but nothing. I just couldn’t do it. I don’t know why when she was able to get me to orgasm in my cage with just those words. Maybe it was that her body was saying something different than her words, but once again I was helpless to her will.

I wrote these notes months ago thinking to update this journal contemporaneously, but got sidetracked (life). Had another good reminder this morning. Had my first out-of-cage stretch in a while and it felt great. She was teasing me with BOB and brought me right to the edge. With me sitting close to orgasm she turned the little bullit on herself. She rolled on her side and worked herself to several orgams, each more intense than the previous. After about 5 of these she hit “the big one” and shook from the intensity. It was sooo nice just to be next to her, handcuffed but uncaged. That’s the fun part but not the interesting one: After a brief recovery she rolled back over and put BOB back on me. Right on my fun spot, and started whispering nice things in my ear. And… I progressively went soft despite being on the edge a few minutes earlier and being very excited. Lesson: Her climax WAS my climax. My brain took its cues from her peak, and started to put out those “satisfied” hormones (Leptoprin, etc?) despite the fact that I actually had not physically orgasmed and was still being stimulated.

We talk about our experiences a lot. The good news/bad news: None of this was accidental. It turns out that one of her biggest turn-ons is exercising her control over me. She loves to experiment with different ways to mess with my mind and body. That is good because it means she has no desire to ignore me, quite the contrary. It is bad because she is truly changing me in ways I cannot control. In summary: She uses my little head to control my big head, and my big head to control my little one. It works.

 

Passed the year-and-a-half mark since a full orgasm a few months ago. My logical brain just cannot accept this, probably never will. But you know what? My emotional brain is loving it. I tell her I need out but my libido betrays me every time. I am starting to think this is it (never again) even though she has only said those words once.

She started (as a game) to make me thank her every day, and asks “for???” to which I must reply “for keeping me locked safe and secure”. I hated to say those words in the early days but I really do mean them now. This. Is. Crazy. Yet it works.

Dopamine. Pretty sure the whole dynamic I have been rambling about for years now boils down to dopamine and its endorphin cousins. She has me well addicted by now. I want release so bad its infuriating, yet I know that a true release will yield only a painful withdrawl. So shoot me up – deny me more. Let me caress that gorgeous body and further boost my pleasure by serving it. I don’t take back any of what I have said in older posts about the psychology behind this – I think it is very complex and must involve a lot of subconsious and/or inherited drives common to most men and women. But the result of all those drives is a pleasurable brain drug that you can ride on longer and longer in chastity rather than just a few minutes here and there whacking off (on the other hand, if you are/were a leptoprin junkie, relying on the constant feeling of satiation you are in for a big challenge). In short ladies: you are not punishing your man when you lock him up, you are giving him pure pleasure drugs – and you are the dealer.

My message to any less experienced out there (not that I consider myself anywhere close to an expert yet): Fear long term chastity but go ahead and embrace it. It is just as frustrating as you imagine it, yet (with a good relationship) you will come to love it. Okay, I have a near perfect keyholder, she loves me, loves the power and my frustration, and provides plenty of attention to ensure it works better and better. A bit more to you keyholders: it is NOT cruel to deny your man, but don’t be too honest with him up front: I would never ever have agreed to this up front if she told me this would become “permanent” in any way. I probably would have torpedoed the whole relationship. Instead she made it fun, told me the only “rule” was that she gets to make the rules, and kept making it fun and pushing the limits (still does). Really, we learned that very long term chastity worked together. The bad news is that now that she knows how well it works there is very likely no turning back. Or is that the good news?