Wife not attracted to me

Once my wife discovered the pleasure she derives from being in a dominant position, she no longer gives up on it, on the contrary, she lives in a state of excitement never experienced before.
On the other hand, this has led her to hunt sex outside the couple and I'm not allowed to question this as she says that only other men can offer her the level of sex that a female like her deserves.

 

It depends on your approach what kind of slave you’re trying to be versus what your wife wants you to be... My wife loves to be served and pampered while I’m retaining a submissive disposition to her but one thing she is completely turned off by sissies. Not that she has any sort of problem with sissies in general but she doesn’t want to view her man as one. Of course I don’t know what approach you took and what your wife was expecting but ask her what she was expecting from you and maybe you both can start from there.

My wife and I found there was an awkward phase in the very beginning while we were figuring out our roles. FLR was completely new to us and ironically when I asked for chastity and FLR at the start she said no to FLR. Then one day we both realized we had evolved into an FLR because of chastity and now she wouldn’t have it any other way. This is where communication is essential between the two of you, but even more importantly is knowing what she wants so the idea of chastity is attractive to her. Don’t give up just yet, find out what’s bothering her and work with her.
There’s also the possibility she enjoys a more submissive role herself versus trying to be dominant. For some some women the idea of being dominant is the turn off to which there’s no real getting around that. So talk to her and be completely open to what’s bothering her.

 

I'm very attracted to my husband but I don't consider him my slave. He is submissive at times and I like exercising dominance. But at times I feel like my husband isn't attracted to me when I'm in that role. I don't know if it's my perception or if that's indeed the case but it makes things difficult at times.

 

No problem there at all. But I am turned off by whiny, wimpy, weakling, softy complainers, certainly.

It depends how you act as a "slave", and conversely, what "normal" for you would be.

You can be quite manly, and still worship her completely, like you should.

 

We need more details about what being her slave means to you and how you take care of her.

Do you know what she needs but might not know herself?

Do you focus on what she finds exciting and turns her on?

Have you given up your fantasies to focus on hers?

I am far from an experienced sub/slave. I consider myself more of a switch. However, I would think even dominant women would like a man to have his own internal sense of purpose, to create romance (even if she gives you an opportunity to learn and rejects the situation), to see and express the beauty inside the woman, and to support her/stand up for her.

I hope your situation improves. Remember that even if she says she wants to return to a more normal life, you don’t have to stop showing her that she is your queen.

 

I can sympathise with this.But I am on the other end.I realised I did not fancy the submissive men I met.My ex was switch but I never allowed him to Dominate Me.Thats why It stopped working.We both wanted different things.We were only 21 when We met.I decided to separate the whole thing.Have a sub on the side.Full chastity.No affection at all...Just him willingly doing My bidding, never fancied, or was attracted to any of My subs.My Long term partner of over twenty one years together,is not My sub.
I am sexually and lovingly attracted to My non sub partner.He is very kind,protective and treats Me like a Queen,but he never shows a needy side.I am turned off by needy men.I am very independent and need My space.

 

That's exactly it. And that's what's missing from our interaction - or so it feels.

 

That is a hard place to be. Good communication seems to be an important step in such relationships. Sometime better communication starts with focus listening as well as observing non- verbal clues

 

@Blue00 that's true and it's a difficult discussion to have without coming across as too demanding or suspicious or anything else that would turn him off completely.

 

Most people don’t get married so they can have a pet to take care of...obedient and doting as they may be. That being said, that kind of behavior could be limited to sessions or done in a different manner.

I know my wife would hate having a slobbering mess of a partner, the fun she does have in all of this is making someone like me break. She wouldn’t want me broken all the time though.

I would suggest like others to talk, find out what turns her on, and find a way to compromise. I have heard of wives that don’t sexually get turned on by being dominant and are basically submissive. They compromise by her directing. Such as “I am letting you out of your cage and you are going to fuck me like you own me, I’ll let you know if you can cum”.

 

100% accept your perspective which is why I suggest focused listening and careful observing as the initial action for improving communication. I did fail to point out that more questions or more discussions might not be the best first step to improving communication . Thank you for point that out.

 

So it’s her perception of slaves in general that’s the problem. What’s funny is, what she describes she likes is how many submissive men generally behave. Maybe you guys can move away from the word and concept of “slave” and turn it into something else that will suit her.

 

You need to find a true dominant who likes subs or slaves. Your problem will get worse as you both age.

 

Then be a “knight”.
I’m not a slave myself.

we drifted apart my wife and I because I kept layering on expectations that it made it a “chore” or something she needed to build up steam and energy to have a big scene.

I shed all that. I shed expectations. I decided to focus on her and stop masturbating to porn. Porn that made me disappointed in our sex life. And kink that made me need toys to have fun. there is nothing wrong with porn or toys except when they got in the way.

Masturbation denial (not chastity) helped make me more interesting and exciting to play with. I focused on making her happy with non sexual things. It started with coffee at her bedside table and a kiss. It then became cuddling.

Then she agreed I should get pierced and I found myself in custom Contender secured by my very “real chastity” piercing all that very year. It’s been a wonderful journey.

But it started when I shed expectations. I focused on being helpful, kind, and not pushing for sex or scenes. I put it in her hands. Literally and figuratively. She had control. She shot me down when I started whining or jumping up on her like a puppy. She wisely ignored bad behavior.

Everything blossomed from me being a gentleman and a friend.

I’m not “weak”. I demonstrate intense willpower and willingness to let go and let her decide. It’s a more real submission than the scene based stuff. It’s daily.

Good luck to you.

All I know is my wife got much more attracted to me when she had real power. I’m more fun to play with now. Before I was in control and made her feel she needed to live up to expectations that kept getting higher and higher.

 

Maybe time for marriage a counselor if you’re that unhappy, seems like things go deeper than her just not wanting to dominate you.

 

Ok. I understand.
You both need to Work on the foundational relationship.
(FLR and D/s is the icing on the cake.)

My advice is to shed all the FLR and D/s and become friends. She needs to reserve time and energy for you.

She can’t expend all her emotional and physical energy into work. I did. I became an asshole. I did the same myself to my wife and she got nothing from me. I did nothing at home helpful. I stopped being her friend. We just lived in the same house.

I do sense you’re also feeling entitled and angry. So you’re not listening to her, or the advice... if she doesn’t want to do “slave training” drop it. If it doesn’t arouse her, then you’re just having her perform for you.

Start again. Don’t give up. I went through a long decade of loneliness. In hindsight... Part was all on me. Part was on her.

I needed a job change. She needed professional medical assistance.

We were married before we were 25 as well. We hit some rough patches. We stuck together out of loyalty to the friends we were early on. We became friends again.

I assume there was a simpler time in your lives that brought you two together.

Marriage counseling is good advice. We didn’t go that route but shedding your anger and blame and focusing on communication will help.

And be careful to listen and not clobber over her with explicit verbal and implicit communication.

It sounds like I’m putting it all on you. But we’re talking to you. Not her. And you have things you can control.

I’m not a marriage counselor. You might need find other sources for advice than chastity and FLR websites

 

It's hard to know other people's perspectives and dynamics without knowing whether things are long term or short term. We all have good and bad days, more stress and less stress. My wife and I have been together long over 20 years, and there are a lot of ebbs and flows. If you are in a new relationship, or if a D/s dynamic is new to you, one day or one week can seem like an eternity. Also, it is hard to lose site that there is no magic formula, and no one aspect of your relationship will make you or break you.

Sometimes, you need to take a step back, and work on other things besides hoping for one specific outcome.

It's also hard for me to stay out of my head. If things aren't clicking great, I try to find some other aspect of submission that requires her to do nothing, and then be PATIENT. Maybe it's personal care, maybe it is chores, maybe it is doing her favors. Find some outlet where you are not worried about how "attracted" or "into" your sub-ness she it. Try to get out of head.