Who benefits most?

For my wife and I, dominance is more of a kink. I am not the kind of guy that will go out of my way to assert dominace on anyone. We have a equal parts in our relationship and strive to be the foundation of stability for each other. I do concede lead rolls for the benefit of my wife. I work and bring in 98% of our income. I leave complete control of our finances to here. We have joint accounts but I don't carry access to the bank. Hope that helps.

 

As far as my relationship goes, I’ve benefited more in the beginning. My wife was unsure of herself and even though I was a submissive I control the situation most of the time. As time goes on she become stronger and I become weaker. So the tides have changed in her favor, and I’m sure it will continue that way forever.

 

I would not agree with that statement.
I also think the concept of "who benefits most" is a logical fallacy.
How can such a thing be quantified?

No two people on earth are alike.
It follows that every person is uniquely predisposed to dominance/submission generally.
Which partner "benefits most" from a relationship is much more about the match of the perticular couple, than about who is the dom & who the sub.

I'd also argue that no relationship is ever (or can ever be) completely equal. Therefore some degree of dominance/submission is inherent in every relationship. It's not something which can be added to a relationship as some sort of tool or device to ensure harmony, rather its an inevitable consequence of any relationship.

 

In most of the relationships exist (as I call it) an alpha person who has more influence on the relationship than the other side. I believe that in vanilla relationship it is easier to be hurt by being a submissive party.
In Female Led Relationship people are generally more open to many issues and get along with certain things together.

Sex and various fantasies are not taboo in such a relationship. The submissive guy is submissive in this kind of relationship because he wants it, not because he lost the fight for "position". In such relationship the submissive party may have even more joy from it than the dominant party (especially on constant "chastity high"). By the way I believe that if certain social norms wouldn't exist many guys would have more benefits from FLR (or even a cuckold) relationship than they gain from traditional vanilla relationship imposed by society or religions.

 

I believe it is mutually beneficial. But the workload is definitely more on the dominant one. Which isn't necessarily A Bad Thing you get the end results that they want.

 

It's a symbiotic relationship. One feeds off and benefits from the other. The dominant wants to dominate, the submissive wants to submit. Each gets satisfaction.

It's perfect, really.

 

If two people are not winning, a relationship won't last. I do agree that defined roles can lead to harmony, and in my own experience the only time I "lose" is when I have to suck things up to get along. This is as much related to the quirks of my Mistress as it is to D/s. This means me putting up with her being either unreasonable or wrong. She doesn't have to do this with me. (She can take it out on me.)

 

I agree with this statement. I am highly motivated to do an awful lot of work to make my wife happy in the hopes that she will have the time and energy to spend a little of her time on me. She can choose not to, or she can spend just a few minutes. But even a few minutes will highly motivate me to work more. So its in her best interest to keep me motivated. Its her choice how much time she spends doing those things. Its much easier to dangle the carrot so to say then to chase it

 

I get the patience bit but I don't understand the resignation bit. I think a successful dom/sub relationship does involve a degree of resignation on the part of the sub. As for who get's the most out of it I can only speak from experience in that in the beginning I thought I would get the most out of it, but as things worked out my SO largely got what she wanted (chores, attitude, obedience). In response to that I get a bit of what I want but on her terms only.

 

There is definitely more stress and responsibility on the dominant if we assume it's a married couple. OTH, the submissive tends to do more of the chores and physical work. The rewards for the dominant would also involve more sexual freedom on their part as well as more control over finances and family direction.

It depends on the pair's opinion which is the harder. For us it's symbiotic.

 

Early in our Chastity relationship me the sub was the one who benefited more. Now that She has taken more control and excepted the fact that I want to serve her and make her happy she is benefiting more. I would have to say now it’s mutual. Theirs no reason both parties can’t get everything that want or need.

 

The dynamic of a D/s is not like a regular relationship where there are two independent individuals who (if things are going perfectly) have a give and take mentality where they are equals with one another. While the Dominant/submissive relationship is basically just one individual that is a result of two people meshed together. A good example could be that a regular relationship is like a democracy, where everyone has an equal say, but it is messy, slow to change/adapt, and may or may not function. While a Dominant/submissive is more like a monarchy. A monarchy could be a terrible thing with the wrong person leading it, but if it is the right person, it might just be the best thing ever.

 

We like to use the word "synergy" where the combined is well beyond the sum of the parts. Agreeing with what several have said it will depend on the individuals involved. For us it's a mutual benefit that we've both grown and grown closer in many ways.

It gets back to being able to communicate openly and honestly. Yes there's a hierarchy of sorts. Sometimes more obvious than others. But our opinion if it's not doing something for both of you it's time to try something else.

 

For me, I often feel a sense of resignation, allowing for particular situations She wants, which in the past I would have not been so agreeable to. I know She is benefiting. I am sacrificing. My straight married male friends, non of whom are aware of my FLR, have been giving me a bad time on occasion lately, questioning my subordinate position and silence on certain matters. Dealing with them of course is another thing. Presently, to many, it appears that She has the upper hand and She as the dominant is benefiting hand over fist. I sometimes feel this way too, but I try not to dwell on those feelings very long, as I am more comfortable and happy in my submissive place, and I know I benefit in ways that others have no idea or knowledge of. The increased sense of love, intimacy, etc.... I also know that She is more of a natural leader and people person than I. She helps take the social pressures away. Most days I like to think that She benefits more than I in the power exchange, but I know that there is probably more of an equalized benefit than I probably am sometimes ready to admit or acknowledge. While it may appear She is benefiting the most, I believe everyone will benefit in the end, including my family, our friends, and even the little locked sub, me, because She is in charge.

 

Colette said every relationship must have a dominant personality and a submissive personality.....not necessarily kinky but one person always has the "upper hand" as it were. It seems to me that good D/s relationships are those where these roles are complimentary so that payment and benefit are balanced for each. I vote "mutual".

 

I don't have much experience to draw on but I would expect there would be a swing between both partners on who benefits most. The aim is to have a mutual balance so both can enjoy the satisfaction but I expect this can be difficult to maintain over time. Imbalance is ok in the short term but eventually the relationship would rot from the inside and lead to disharmony in both partners if it doesn't stabalise.

 

The statement seems to be written about adversaries not lovers.

Relationships serve the needs of each. And when they don’t, the relationship is disrupted.

 

it is a trade for the subordinate, who usually gains security, safety, and not expected to lead

 

Well, that opens up a new debate, probably for a new thread. What does the sub hope to gain? Not having to lead is a mild motivator at most. The first two don't motivate me at all.

 

So True So True.

 

Me thinks thou dost protest too much

 

suit yourself.

 

lol - I like you postings almost as much as your avatar, lester^^

And I think you are mostly right. To me ANY relationship has to be mutually beneficial. If it is not it is usually harmfull to one part and should be ended as soon as possible. (often the case when people with mental problem try to find their play in some kind of BDSM-relationship)
However, defining the ter "mutually beneficial" you should not look as much on the distribution of power inside the relationship, the workload done by both, but only at how satisfying and fulfilling the relationship for both parts is and if everyones needs are met.

This and nothing else matters !

You could not compare workloads etc. anyway. Submitting to my fully and accepting every decision of mine (in almost every part of life) might not be easy for my husband in every situation, but it serves an essential need of his and makes him therefore more happy than living in a vanilla relationship.

Someone here said that a FLR is a lot of work for the dominant part and this might be right to some degree. Him automatically puttung me first in every aspect on the other hand requires me to ensure his happiness. In the begnning it was not easy for sure, but now it is quite natural to me and mostly done without much thinking anymore. So no work at all.

With the housework it is the same. No one likes chores, but motivating him from time to time with small gestures will make him experience it less strenuous and he won't care doing the better part of chores.

So what's left if you can not use the workload to determine who benefits most from the relationship as everyone might experience differently ?Only the way everyone experiences the relationship....

 

I disagree with the original statement. It seems biased toward a pro dominant society. It seems to me a similar problem to a paternalistic macho male culture, or gender binary culture. I think these strict expectations make many feel uncomfortable and reduce our potential as a group .

I think the key is that everyone is authentic to their own self and has some control to adjust & experiment with their own self. I am happier when I get to serve in certain ways. I think we need a society that values and respects those that like to serve.