Zero to 60 overnight

Day 46

Illness befell me early last week that kept me on the shelf, shrinking visibly - almost disappearing completely - into the back of my confines. As I started to finally recover this week, D could contain herself no longer. We had a house guest for 2 weeks who went home over the weekend and D was craving intimacy. I’ve not had to initiate physical contact at all; she’s been all over me. What a blessing.

This morning, D finally had enough waiting and, after teasing me thoroughly, she asked me if I wanted the key. “Of course!” She pretended to not hear me clearly which wasn’t possible and asked me again. “Oh YES!” “Are you ready for an orgasm?” By now, I think she’s wanting me to beg.

I didn’t last long, although it was longer than I thought it would take. D went slow, took her time, and continued to tease me in the build up. Then she drenched me in lube and it didn’t take long after that to finish the job.

D didn’t waste time getting the dice out to determine my next roll. Usually she waits days or even a week or so before she thinks about it. “Are you ready for me to roll the dice?” “SURE!!!” She again threw a lucky 7! The minimum lockup duration - 4 weeks. She has rolled a seven 4 out of the last 5 times we’ve rolled the dice. The other was an 8. I’m a lucky man to have her. I’m thinking I need to book flights for us to visit Las Vegas soon! Then I'd be a rich man too!

 

Yeah! When it turned up 7 again this morning, it made me want to examine the dice to see if they were legit! The odds of this are so remote! Seriously!

The odds of rolling 7 is 16.7%
The odds of rolling 7 twice in a row is 16.7% x 16.7% = 2.7%
The odds of rolling 7 three times in a row is 16.7% x 16.7% x 16.7% = 0.5%
I don't even know how to calculate the odds of rolling 7 - 4 out of 5 times but I think it's about 0.15%, so basically 1.5 in a 1000.

I'm not just lucky, I'm damn lucky! Where's my airline app???

 

Day 5

Exquisite

I’ve been fighting an infection for 2 weeks now. Guidelines I found online suggested not rushing to see the doctor since it’s most likely a viral infection. But now that we’ve reached the 2 week mark, it’s time. D has gotten a bit perturbed with me because she wanted me to go sooner as it’s had a negative effect on our intimacy, though I’ve felt well enough on a couple of occasions to engage with her.

This morning, she initiated and I went with it. She immediately began with my most sensitive nipple. Her touch was so light I could barely feel it.I’ve noticed that when she teases me, it takes time for my body to begin to respond. The more she teases, the more sensitive I become to her touch even though she has done nothing to increase of change the intensity. And as she continued, the jolts of electricity began to increase.

I’m at the point where giving her an orgasm is almost more arousing for me than her teasing me directly. While the physical pleasure of her fingers on my body is certainly greater, the mental arousal of pleasuring her is greater and produces even more pre-cum. When we can combine the two, it’s magic! And this morning was one of those days!

As she was teasing me, I was using my free hand to stimulate her legs, butt and torso. And when she threw her leg over my little guy, I had full access to her garden of delights. It didn’t take long to hear her begin to moan loud enough to hear over my own. She came hard and still managed to continue teasing me without skipping a beat. She started to escalate to pinching which usually maximizes my arousal to it’s peak. But my unspoken signals to her told her I’d had enough. The whole experience including the post-orgasm cuddling was just that…. exquisite!

After getting up to get coffee and moving about to make the bed, etc., I began to feel a wetness running down my leg. I reached inside my shorts to discover a significant amount of precum oozing out of my cage. I should have anticipated that.

Afterwards, I asked her if this experience had been “yucky”, a term she had used a couple of days ago. We had been talking about a discussion question for our class on God, Sex & Marriage about needing to deconstruct our view of sex that we had brought into our marriage from our childhood upbringing and education. She said she still has to battle the view that sex is “yucky” which surprised me. She went on to say that she feels like we’ve found the right rhythm or frequency for having sex. Since she allows me to pleasure her about 2-3 times a week while I’m at about once a month or less, I wondered what frequency she was referring to. But since she’s happy with things the way they are and I am very happy, it really doesn’t matter. I asked her if she felt “yucky” this morning and she said “No. I never feel yucky while we are engaged in it. Only when I’m thinking about it in general.” Either way, we’ve both come a long, long way since the beginning of last year. And she never seems to avoid sex now… she’s almost always the one to initiate it. I’m living the dream!

 

Day 21

This past 1.5 months have been a real struggle but I'm starting to glimpse the light at the end of the tunnel. It's been hard on both of us; our first major "down" period since we started this journey 20 months ago.

This morning confirmed to me that D is getting comfortable being the only one who gets direct physical stimulation and pleasure. She allowed me to wake her up with a long, slow, tantalizing caress of her most erogenous body parts. By the time I started tickling her little girl, she was moaning. She came hard and fast after that. We laid together as I hugged her and whispered "Good morning!" She snickered. Not long after that, she said we better get going because we have a lot to do today.

This marks the 4th time over the last 2 months she's allowed me to give her an orgasm without any reciprocal physical teasing after going the previous 18 months with that never happening that I can remember. I think it's sinking in to her that it's okay and good for us. It was probably made much easier because she heard me tell friends over dinner last night about the benefits of a man sacrificing his pleasure for his wife's orgasm. I mentioned the peaking of vasopression, the male bonding hormone, which remains elevated when the man doesn't orgasm. I'm truly becoming further trapped by my own devices. She's really listening and even remarked to the couple how much she's learning about some of the neuroscience behind our sexuality. She truly believes that I'm better off without an orgasm for a month or more. There is never any shred of suggestion anymore on her part that she would like to release me early to reward me! It feels like she believes this new life is truly my reward!

D asked me the other day about the inescapability of my cage, essentially. She asked if I would ever try to break out of it. I told her that I could break the lock or possibly slip out of the tube with some scarring, but there was no way to get back in without her knowledge because I'd need the key or need to replace the lock with one that doesn't match the keys in her lockbox. That's the first time she's asked those types of questions. She knows that the past month and a half have been difficult for me and that I've had urges to masturbate. She really surprised me the other day when she asked if I was tempted with the thought of playing with myself because of all the negative emotions I was dealing with. I admitted I was and told her how impressed i was with her discernment.

This really seems like one of those situations where you're in a noose that only gets tighter, never looser. I've got to be really careful going forward now. I can never slip and tell her about men on this forum who rarely if ever get released, especially for an orgasm. God forbid that she ever starts to question how long other men go without orgasms!

 

Day 22

What just happened?

D and I have been trying to plan a weekend away at the beach with one of our daughters & her family this fall. Living in the Mid-Atlantic / Southeast U.S. make beach trips iffy this time of year, but when the weather is good, it’s a GREAT time to go to the beach; not too hot, and uncrowded beaches. We’ve had to play it by ear depending on the tropical storm patterns in the Western Atlantic. Our beach trips have been thwarted by the weather this year. We opted for plan B this weekend.

D and I were able to get a head start on the trip since neither of us were working on Friday. Because my next release is not scheduled until late next week and D has not mentioned it (not even hinted at letting me out) since my last release 3 years ago (actually 3 weeks, but it’s seemed like years), I wasn’t expecting anything. But I had my antennae up.

D packs for trips well in advance. About an hour before our departure, I slipped into the bedroom and discovered she was almost finished packing except for her cosmetics. I checked her bedside table and the lockbox with the keys were still in the drawer. I shook the lockbox and both keys were clearly inside. It didn’t look like I was going to get a treat this weekend other than an opportunity to pleasure her & a little tease for myself. So I packed the lube and her Sona vibe.

D came back from working out, headed into the shower and did her hair and makeup. When she was almost done, I headed back into the bedroom to check to see if I could finish packing her luggage into the car. When I came in, she was standing beside the bed, her bedside table drawer was open and the lockbox was gone!!! I said nothing as I passed by quickly. She closed the drawer not realizing I had noticed. On my way back out with my luggage, I stopped by my bedside table and grabbed the desensitizing lotion and condoms, my heart rate rising with anticipation of what might be in store this weekend.

Our 4 hour car ride gave us lots of time to chat, especially about things related to our love / sex life. Since we’re facilitating a class discussion at our church on the book, God, Sex & Your Marriage, the topic of sexuality comes up much more readily now. One of the things I shared with her was MY POST on @MsPamela ‘s thread that was triggered by her thoughts of controlling her hubby’s ability to experience erections and touch himself. As I shared my thoughts, D seemed to process it very favorably and asked how a woman could take advantage of this “very personal gift”.

We spent the afternoon eating at a wonderful Mediterranean cafe along the way and then strolling in beautiful sunshine thru Colonial Williamsburg, sipping wine at a tasting room, and snacking on an assortment of cheeses, salami and locally grown peanuts.

We still had time to head to our hotel before our family arrived and D finally began to reveal her “surprise” plans for the weekend. I admitted noticing the missing lockbox, how I had checked it earlier wondering if she had the keys, etc. She asked how I knew she hadn’t removed one of the keys. I told her about shaking it and being able to tell if there was one or two keys. She clearly was not happy and said she’s going to start hiding the lockbox. “It’s not your privilege to know when I’m going to release you!” I told her about grabbing the condoms & desensitizing lotion. All I heard was a “hhhmmmmm”.

When we arrived at our hotel and checked into our room, D came to the bathroom with the key and told me to get undressed, unlocked, and NOT to touch the condoms or lotion. OHHHH BOY!!! Despite having ruined the surprise, she was clearly ready for some fun. As we embraced, I mentioned that it had been barely 3 weeks since my last release. And she remarked, “Is that ALL???” I replied, “I know, it seems like it’s been 3 months! I’m soooo ready for this!”

I was soooo ready, I thought I was going to orgasm from the kissing, teasing and skin on skin contact. I pulled my little guy away from her body because I was sure I was going to explode all over her. This was so incredibly hot and amazing. I was having a hard time controlling myself and concentrating on her pleasure. I was leaking all over the bed, D and myself. We needed a towel just to clean up after all of my drippy mess. And we had barely begun.

Finally, D suggested we try PIV. I have been waiting for this moment for at least 6 months. I had been researching positions that could allow us to have PIV that wouldn’t be affected by her flexibility issues. I pulled her bottom to the edge of the bed, pulled her legs up in the air, and stood beside the bed to enter her from behind her bottom. The bed was the perfect height for me. Taking it slow with lots of lotion, she was able to take me and was LOVING it.

The feelings of being on the edge earlier subsided for me and I was able to enjoy the inside of her garden of Eden immensely. She told me to start thrusting since she couldn’t and I tried to stimulate her little girl with my fingers, but it was hard to get really good contact with her clit with all of this going on and while trying to work around her legs.

D got close a few times but finally told me to “go for it and thrust harder”. I didn’t need any more encouragement. I asked her to stimulate my nipples which had me getting very aroused once again. I told her to pinch and then to pull on them. I finally had the most amazing, incredible orgasm. She loved it! I loved it! This was the first time in probably 15 to 20 years that we’ve had satisfying PIV sex. And it far exceeded previous PIV even though she didn’t orgasm herself. She called for her Sona and we finished her off quickly after that. We both collapsed in the bed, utterly exhausted.

D couldn’t contain her excitement that we had been able to have PIV once again. We have a few things to figure out, but they aren’t insurmountable. Maybe a cock ring with a rabbit vibe attached for her? That’ll free my arms & hands so I can hold her legs up so they don’t get tired. But this was incredible!

D told me to leave my cage off for the weekend since we’ll be hanging out with family. I, on the other hand, want to get back in it so I can start the build up for next time. I woke multiple times last night and immediately got hard at the memories of the evening before.

 

Everyone seems to suggest that denial gets easier the longer you’ve been “playing this game”, but it seems to be anything but easier. Maybe I just forget how difficult 90 days was. But I think 3-4 weeks is just as difficult if not more the better your love / sex life becomes. Chastity is an amazing tool to harness the male sex drive. I'm already champing at the bit for my next release but know it's not going to be anytime soon.

D’s flexibility issues are centered in her pelvis, primarily. She can’t spread her legs very far. For me to fit between her legs in order to gain entry involves a lot of pain for her. And as a result, it’s difficult for me to penetrate her because I can’t get very close. So entry from behind worked this weekend with her lying flat on her back with her legs 90 degrees up in the air. See the Standing Ovation position on THIS WEBPAGE without the wedge pillow. There are a couple of other positions to try also.

D, like myself, was just yearning for that intimate connection of PIV. She liked having me inside her as did I. The only thing about most of these positions was the inability for her to move. She used to like being on top and being able to grind into me. I shared the idea of a vibrating cock ring with her and she gave me the green light to order one, which I have.

 

Forgot the link.... https://marrieddance.com/pillow-talk/how-to-use-sex-furniture/

 

Day 3

We went from an incredible high Friday night to a severe low Saturday night. Big squabble! We didn't talk to each other much for the next 24 hours other than an apology I made for losing my patience and getting angry. D didn't want to talk about it until the last hour of a long 3.5 hour drive home. Things thawed considerably and then we were back to cuddling on sofa eating dinner & watching TV before bed.

It was cold last night and I slid over next to her early in the night to warm myself. My little guy started throbbing in the cage and started bouncing it up and down with each attempt to push more blood into him. Although the side of my hip was against hers, I imagined she felt each pulse. This is a common pattern for me the first few nights after an amazing orgasm. My body is dying for another one of those landmark O's. The more I focused on trying to calm him down, the more he throbbed. I slept fitfully but glued to D's side most of the night.

I was asleep when D's alarm went off at 6 am. I didn't wait long and started scratching her back. She rolled so I could get to it all. I then proceed to caress her most sensitive body parts from her toes up to her neck and back down again. I know this is a great way to wake up and can tell she is beginning to really like this treatment. At one point, my touch was so light & repetitive in a particularly intimate spot, she squirmed and told me it tickled. But this was not the "That tickles! Stop it!" kind of voice. It was more the "That tickles! {giggle}" kind of voice. So I kept at it but being careful in that area to be more firm. By the time I found a small opening to her garden area, she started moaning slightly as soon as I pressed into her little girl even without any lubrication yet. I pulled away, caressing her legs & butt some more and returned, dipping into her "spring" which was starting to bubble. With enough lubrication now, I was able to tease her slowly and gently. I could tell when she was ready for me to "lean into it" and continued my teasing approach to make sure she was really, really ready. From that point, it was over quickly. My little guy was feeling all of this as I gently thrust my pelvis in the air anticipating her orgasm. This is such an exquisite tease! I could get into this every morning if she'd let me!

With that, Saturday's squabble was behind us! I'm so glad neither of us can hang onto those things for very long. We love and enjoy the tenderness we share too much to let a minor misunderstanding become very significant.

Ohhh... and we talked last night and she gave me permission to buy a cock ring with an attached vibe for her little girl! She really liked the PIV! WOW!!!!

 

Day 4

Post-game notes

D has so wired my brain to receive pleasure from my nipples and never removes my cage for play unless an orgasm is planned. I'm think I might be able to have an orgasm from nipple plan alone, but it would take a lot of time and would be long past her interest level. Because of the infrequency of orgasms for me, they are pretty special. But an orgasm via a handjob or PIV that includes nipple play is mind bending. I suspect one day it may trigger a heart incident.

While our squabble Sat night may be in the past, D still is thinking about it. On Sunday, we were in a gift shop that featured colonial era dice games. I suggested D roll the dice on the display game board but she refused. My next release might be in limbo for awhile. The cock ring with clitoral vibe is shipped and due to arrive tomorrow. It may not get used for a long time. She's going to need to hide it because it is also advertised for use on nipples also. A toy like that would be too tempting. It's why my little guy is locked up.

 

Day 6

The cock ring with clitoral vibe came in. After getting it charged, I quickly handed it over to her to put away where I can't find it and play with it. She said, "Oh good! We can try it out this weekend when we go away overnight!" I'm excited about the opportunity but frightened at the same time because another orgasm this soon would be bad. I hope she'll let me wear a condom with desensitizing lotion! (Just writing that makes me realize I've completely lost my mind!)

 

Day 7

D is taking charge in a way I've not experienced before. And I'm loving her confident, firm control.

Last weekend's release came as a pretty big surprise, and even though I figured out something was up at the last minute, she clearly was playing her best poker face. She had me thinking I was locked and forgotten without dropping any hints and was a bit upset that I was checking her drawers to see if she was packing the key.

But after an amazing experience with PIV for the first time in years, she was excited to try it again. She liked the penis ring with clitoral vibrator I purchased with her permission and seemed to suggest she wanted to try it out this weekend.

As we were packing to leave this morning, I suggested she roll the dice since it had been 7 days. Wrong move! She barked at me and put me in my place. But she did let it drop that she was bringing our backgammon game (with dice) on our trip and would take care of the dice roll at a winery we were stopping at this afternoon. I learned my lesson and didn't ask if she had packed the key or penis ring / vibe toy.

I grabbed our lube and her Lelo Sona 2 unsure what to expect other than a dice roll for me and hopefully an orgasm for her. That would be heaven. I also threw in some numbing lube and condoms just in case the little guy was let out to play.

Over lunch, we worked on our discussion questions for our God, Sex and Your Marriage class this week and started our drive sharing our own answers with one another. One question on the topic of faithfulness lends itself perfectly to the giving over of oneself to your spouse. I told her I plan to share with the class how 20 months ago I gave D a necklace, a ring and a key, the latter to symbolize my yielding my body and sexuality completely to her for the first time in our 40+ years of marriage. She didn't bat an eye. This is the closest I'll come to mentioning chastity in a group setting.

On the drive down, I asked D to read out loud this blog on the Vow of Onah. It's a beautiful ancient Jewish practice that somehow got lost by Christianity because of a focus on celibacy in the early first few centuries. The practice clearly places the wife's sexuality and pleasure at the center of the marriage, is consistent with biblical teaching, and reflects all of the good, positive aspects of sexuality espoused here on CM (in my humble opinion). These conversations really had a positive vibe to them that charged the atmosphere in the car.

And then D realized she had left the backgammon game with dice at home on the kitchen countertop! (Inward groan!) I hope she didn't read too much disappointment in my voice. When we arrived at the vineyard, we tasted a few wines, opened a bottle and began to browse the expansive gift shop. I found a few table games but unfortunately nothing involving dice. Drat!

We headed out and made it to our final destination in time for an early dinner at a very small and very popular restaurant. The food was amazing, came quickly, and hit the spot perfectly. By the time we were done, we had plenty of time to check in to our hotel and finish off our bottle of wine.

D didn't waste any time slipping out of her clothes and into a lovely negligee. She sent me to the bathroom where I found the key and our new toy. I mentioned that I had condoms and numbing cream and she firmly told me "no numbing cream... I want you to cum". I told her this might not be good and she asked if I was going to get grouchy afterwards. All I could do was mumble something completely unintelligible.

I slipped into bed completely naked... no cage, condom or cream. She embraced me quickly and we started kissing like two teenagers in the back seat of a car on a hot date. My little guy immediately started dripping and I excused myself to get a "raincoat" for him. She didn't object.

We rolled around in the bed for awhile and it was so damn scintillating I thought I was going to cum before we even got the new toy out. It was sooooo distracting and arousing, my brain was in a hot fog and I couldn't hardly focus on foreplay. I whispered in D's ear, "I feel like I did when I was 13 and am living out my teenage fantasy with the mist amazing girl in school!"

The condom slipped off so I got the toy out and slipped both on hoping this would keep it in place. This calmed me down and we were able to move to PIV. The bed was a bit too short and the condom desensitized me enough that i was able to keep it together. I was still hoping not to cum while focusing on her pleasure. Things weren't happening for her for whatever reason and she kept focusing on me, playing and pulling on my nipples driving me to the edge several times. I kept moaning "no,no,no" to her surprise. But being that close, I couldn't resist. I pulled out and she gave me the most amazing hand job coupled with the vibe and oral nipple massage. I went through the roof and could only partially suppress very loud moans. Im sure the room next door heard more than they wanted.

D enjoyed the vibe as well, but nothing like me. However, she was so happy she glowed all night at the theater!

I'm back in the cage as soon as we returned after the play. Desperate to start back on the road to my next release, hoping by some miracle I won't experience the dreaded drop! Nite.

 

Day 1

Woke every hour thru the night wanting to crawl all over D. But she too was having a hard time sleeping so I needed to stay my distance especially as the night wore on.

When she finally got up after I made 4 trips downstairs to bring her things from the car and the breakfast room, she asked, "Did you put your guardian (cage) back on last night?" I replied, "Yes, I didn't want to be tormented last night." D - "Well, we'll just have to stop doing that then, won't we?" Me - high pitched "NOOOOOO, please!!!!!" This is such a double bind!

 

Day 1 continued

I’m a mess! A complete mess! 2 unexpectedness releases & and the 2 most fantastic orgasms of my life within a 7 day period in the middle of Locktober have me reeling. But…. I’m used to order, structure, some semblance of certainty, discipline, a plan, goals, objectives, an execution strategy with known benefits and outcomes.

But right now, all of those things are out the window. D has exerted her control. And if she has a plan or still holds to our guidelines for chastity, I’m completely in the dark because she seems to be ignoring that framework. My only comfort is in locking back up after a release and the fact that she’s taking charge of the key.

On the way home from our overnight trip, I was commenting about how fantastic a day we had yesterday. She mentioned the cheesecake dessert we shared right after our extraordinary sexual experience. I made the mistake of asking which she enjoyed the most. Her response was, “Hands down. The cheesecake dessert!” In the moment, I was devastated! Right now, I’m hoping maybe, just maybe, she was kidding. But the thought that she might have been, probably was, serious is deflating.

The only thing I can control is staying attuned to her, finding ways to serve her, and keeping her emotionally connected. I need to find a great pumpkin cheesecake recipe!

 

Day 2

Stability restored.

No drop yet. In fact, almost the opposite. I'm seeking ways to serve D. Fixed one of her favorite dinners. Washed her car. Gave her a foot massage to light up the area of her brain that lights up when I touch her clitoris.

I think D was feeling the love because she decided to get out the dice for me. Luck / divine providence was again in my favor! 5 weeks - the 2nd lowest. She has now rolled 4 weeks 4 times and 5 weeks 2 times in the last 6 rolls.

I'm clearly happy with this roll. I'm happy with any roll right now. Although 3 weeks from now when I'm climbing the walls will probably be a different story. I sensed a little disappointment from D. Maybe she doesn't like it being that long??? When we went to bed, she put some chapstick on her lips and then offered me a kiss which has become a running ritual for us. I eagerly jumped at the chance to kiss her, maybe a bit too aggressively. She made a comment and i told her maybe I am still a bit amped up from our weekend. She commented i would have to wait 5 weeks before experiencing that again. I told her that doesnt mean we can't play passionately.

Before we went to sleep, I told her, "I have one more toy I want to buy to please you with". There was a pause as I waited for her to respond. She finally asked, "Are you waiting for me to ask what it is?" I replied, "No, I'm happy that you didn't". Her "okay" then was all I needed. I'm taking that as an okay to proceed, even if it wasn't entirely clear.

I want to buy a strap-on that I can use on D to fill her up. She seemed to be uncertain if I was inside her when we had PIV this weekend. My little guy, small as it is, was also just a little on the soft side. I'm hoping she can accept a stand-in for me that won't ever disappoint her and won't leave her wondering if I'm still inside her. I'm just excited about the possibilities. The tease of seeing her stroke it during foreplay. The sense of being inside her without feeling anything. The intense desire for release so I can participate but only being denied. I only hope it'll be enough to please her.

 

Thanks! I've been thinking that too!

One other option I'm considering is the presence of a bullet vibe that fits inside. Do you think I can get both the feel and the bullet vibe in one? Aesthetics would be a bonus.

 

Yes it will fit. I was thinking of g-spot stimulation though. Especially if she wants some thrusting. It's really hard to give her both the stimulation from thrusting and the stimulation of her clitoris at the same time. I'm not sure she would like internal buzzing either, but you don't know until you try and it could be an acquired taste, right?

 

Day 12

Things have been really, really slow around here. D came down with a slight cold last week. While that began to subside after a few days, she started struggling with a cough which is normal for her after any kind of infection like that. She has an inhaler now that helps reduce the symptoms but doesn't eliminate the cause. She has taken a turn for the worse overnight (too much partying yesterday).

I've been doing a lot of heavy, manual labor outdoors the last 2 weeks getting ready for winter. My body has been sore and I've been a bit of a grouch. No teasing since my last O didn't help matters. She finally was feeling good enough yesterday morning and teased me rather well. It had been so long that I produced an incredible amount of pre-cum and soaked myself. She did allow me to give her an O 9 days ago before the cold hit her so that's been it for us. It looks like things are going to be cold around here for a few days in more ways than one.

 

Once the pumpkin cheesecake is gone, it's going to be time to break out this recipe. It's going to be a long, cold winter, me thinks!

 

Day 562 - Tuesday, Nov 7

I woke to D coughing again. This upper respiratory illness she came down with 2 1/2 weeks ago had, like always, had triggered her chronic cough that typically last about 2 weeks. These infections have come more frequently lately and have negatively impacted our intimacy. I asked if she was going to see our doctor hoping she'd pursue additional solutions since the ones she's been using haven't helped. She declined.

I got up in a bad mood keeping my frustration to myself. I was leaving town the next morning on a 3 day trip. I had a lot to do before I left on the trip and had accomplished a great deal the day before. But I still had more that needed to be done so I was looking forward to a day alone at home. But D decided to bring some of the grandkids to the house for the day which disrupted my plans. Further unplanned circumstances that arose completely nixed what I wanted to get down. She left late in the afternoon to return the kids to their home.

While D was gone, I had a glass or two of an open bottle of wine and headed for the shower. I had sensitized my nipples and they were very sensitive to touch. I began to play with them a little in the shower - a huge "NO NO" in our relationship. It felt so good that I couldn't hardly stop myself once I got started. I hadn't cheated on D like this in 562 days. I desperately wanted out of my cage but the only way would be to break open the cage or the lock and she would definitely find out, so that wasn't an option. I tried to stimulate my little guy in some way but couldn't find anything that work. I finally gave up in frustration.

When D arrived home for dinner, she could tell I wasn't in the best mood and asked what was bothering me. Not wanting to blame her for my mood, I told her I was frustrated not getting anything done that day as I had planned. As the evening progressed, she wasn't happy with me and my mood and finally brought things to a head. I snapped at her, got up and went to bed without further conversation. She came to bed after I was asleep.

Wednesday:
I awoke early in the morning long before D woke up, made my coffee, and took off on my out of town trip without saying goodbye. We finally connected by text later in the day and I apologized for snapping at her the night before.

I arrived at my destination late in the afternoon. After enjoying a glass of wine with my host, I excused myself to shower & clean up before dinner. I again attacked my nipples in the shower and worked myself into a complete lather without the ability to stimulate my little guy in any way. I was really wishing I had the key at that moment.

Late that evening, when retiring to bed, I played with my nipples some more and found some clamps that I used to further the frustration, again with no avail.

Thursday:
In the morning, I repeated the effort, but this time I rolled into a position that afforded some minimal stimulation to my little guy if I rocked back and forth. After some time, I could feel an orgasm beginning to swell. I finally managed a release though it wasn't very satisfactory.... more like a relief than anything else.

Friday:
What had happened??? I allowed my self-centered frustrations to take center stage and didn't communicate with D when I should have. Once I triggered my lizard brain that first afternoon in the shower, I was caught in the whirlpool of desire that sucked me down to the bottom. As I drove home that day, I was reminded that I had given my body & my sexuality to D when I asked her to hold my key in March of last year. In April, I had violated that and we knew we had to take more decisive, long term measures. A 90 day lockup ensued. This is the first time I had cheated since that day in April of last year.

Saturday:
After returning from the trip, I was prepared to tell D what I had done. She suspected something might have happened and asked me if I had behaved myself before I could initiate the discussion. I admitted what had happened, why it had happened, etc. She told me she was disappointed and said she needed some time to process it. We had agreed to a recovery action plan last year that would have consequences for me and she asked me to dig that document out. The worst of the action plan unfortunately has a negative impact on her as well since it involves no sexual intimacy for me. While I could still stimulate her and give her orgasms, she knows that is very arousing for me. And quite frankly, I don't think she wants me touching her too much right now anyways.

So we are on a one week fast of any sexual intimacy. However, we still hug and cuddle a lot. We both need physical touch to feel whole and committed to one another.

This morning:
We are in the "shoulder" season between summer and winter. This is a time we are between air conditioning and heat in our house. We have a wood burning furnace that we don't use until it starts to stay cold most of the time. So it can get pretty chilly in our house at night. At about 4 am, it can get pretty cold in our bedroom. D and I usually started closing in on each other trying to stay warm. This morning was no exception. When we found each other, my little guy started getting very aroused trying to break out of his confines. The cage became extremely tight and VERY frustrating. This went on for an hour tormenting me intensely before I finally drifted off back to sleep. Getting up at that hour in a freezing cold house to walk around is not an option, especially since D expects me to be right there with her. Every ounce of me wanted out of that cage and to be able to press my engorged member against her skin. This is an extremely painful part of the consequences although disappointing her and keeping her from enjoying full intimacy leaves me ashamed and depressed.

So we restart this journey over again. I'm not surprised this happened. I was afraid it would. One evening a few months ago, we talked about our worst fears in life. This was mine! I knew my addictive behavior of 50+ years would very possibly result in a relapse. This is brutally difficult. The temptation is so great. My orgasms are like crack cocaine. I'm very hopeful we learn from this experience and our bond grows stronger. It will take time to fully rebuild her trust in me. I will need to refocus my mind and energy on enjoying her touch and her body alone. And when that focus begins to drift, I'll need to bring it to the light, talk about it, discuss it, and work together with D to love each other very sensitively.