What is the secret to keyholding?

Llamas know...

Keyholding can have various meanings depending on the context. In a literal sense, it refers to the act of holding physical keys to locks. However, in a metaphorical or symbolic sense, "keyholding" might refer to something else entirely, such as holding power, responsibility, or control over something important.

Here are some interpretations and "secrets" related to keyholding in different contexts:

1. Literal Keyholding:
   • Organization and responsibility: Being entrusted with physical keys often implies trust and responsibility. The secret here is reliability, trustworthiness, and the ability to keep keys safe and accessible when needed.
   • Security: Keeping keys secure is paramount. This involves safeguarding them from loss, theft, or misuse.
2. Metaphorical Keyholding:
   • Trust and Accountability: Holding the keys metaphorically might signify being entrusted with important information, resources, or decisions. The secret here is to uphold trustworthiness and accountability.
   • Leadership and Authority: Holding the keys can symbolize holding power or authority. The secret to effective keyholding in this sense lies in fair and just leadership, transparency, and ethical decision-making.
   • Dependency and Control: In some contexts, keyholding might imply control over access to certain resources or opportunities. The secret here is to use that control responsibly and ethically, avoiding exploitation or manipulation.
   • Problem-solving: Keyholders may need to unlock solutions to complex problems or situations. The secret is often creativity, critical thinking, and adaptability.

In any case, the key to successful keyholding is often trust, responsibility, and integrity. Whether it's literal keyholding or metaphorical, being entrusted with keys implies a level of reliability and accountability that is essential to maintain.

 

Chastity can be as simple or complex as you want it, so there is no easy answer.

My abbreviated answer would be to add fuel as needed. In my mind, this lifestyle is a car ride. She chooses how fast or slow we go, which route, and what we do along the way. She is driving.

She might know how fast I want to go, or what I would like to do along the way, but ultimately it’s up to her, she is driving.

If i remind her of what I would like to do along the way, or how to get there, she will think I’m being a backseat driver and want to end the drive.

The only thing I require is is fuel. If I am no longer interested in the drive, don’t think there is any destination to arrive at, and the activities along the way are boring me to tears I will run out of fuel to keep driving with her. Horny fuel. It doesn’t take much for me, I get very good mileage, but I do need that horny fuel to keep running.

Some men require more fuel than others, sometimes it’s more fuel than she is willing to put in the tank. The drive isn’t worth all that fuel she has to put in and decides not to drive at all. Some men require almost no fuel just happy she’s willing to go on any drive.

I had a long discussion with my driver before we left. I have minimal fuel requirements, and it’s my job to inform her that I’m running low. This does not mean she’s going to fill me up with super premium fuel exactly then, it just means she’s aware of my status. I will then trust her to take care of my requirements before I get to empty.

I hope this analogy helped a bit. I actually have a blog on Wordpress where I typically vent out loud and she gets my thoughts and feelings on my fuel level there. I started that blog mostly to document our journey, since I had not seen many accounts that were not fantasy related or based on real life issues. Now however, it’s been more of a communication device. I post about how I’m feeling, what I desire, sexual fantasies, dreams, and what I think about. She gets a notification that I updated my blog and reads it. What she does with that information is her business and I don’t pressure her.

I have a few loyal readers, about 15 to 20 thousand views a year, and started it mostly to help normalize our kink. Now after this many years, I mostly post for her, and can communicate with much more impact and deliberation than just stammering through a conversation.

 

A very good analogy. We like to ride our motorcycle. Occasionally we will have a destination, but most of the time it’s about the journey. We treat my chastity the same way, we just enjoy the journey.

 

Well thanks, sorry about some of them being a bit whiny, it’s where I vent lol.

As far as her knowledge of what fuels you, it sounds like she knows, and she knows not to give you a full orgasm or it messes with your mood towards…everything.

In a perfect world they would know just when, what, and how to keep you in that zone. I call it feeling “all subbie”. Since they aren’t mind readers, I would think they could be helped by accentuating your actions. When she does something that keeps you on point, make sure you act like it was wonderful, and when she is dropping the ball you can drop that attention level down a bit.

It’s a bit manipulative, but I like to think of it more like nonverbal cause and effect. I think they pick up on these cues, and more receptive to change when they can physically see the difference in behavior and level of sexual intimacy.

 

I think my keyholder sees me more more of a sex pet than a sex slave, being all po-faced and serious all the time. She likes how I have complied more and more with her chastity control. She finds it kind of cute when I have to ask permission to shower and shave or change cages for comfort all under her supervision. When we are apart, she still thanks me for sending her videos of me locking up as soon as I am alone, to minimise temptation to cheat. When I have doubts she tells me I'm doing great and that long term chastity is our own secret journey together and we must continue. She can be strict if I ever hint that I want out or to cum. And she regularly gives me extreme femdom but makes it clear these punishments are what I desire and one of the first sanctions is removing these gifts. I find her mostly kind and loving but sometimes brutally strict approach helps me follow her plan for us and find I'm quite enchanted by it. There is no separation between our loving relationship and her using domination, humiliation and pain to remind me of our places in the relationship. I can't imagine a better approach to being a keyholder that would work better for me. And the times I feel a bit unsatisfied... "na, I know you love it. So be quiet and I'll decide what's best for you."

 

... and I just read again you want succinct which I am not. "Make him feel proud of himself to submit to you. Make him fear to disobey you."

 

Holy emotional labor, batman. No one can control how you feel or what you do with those feelings, except you.

If [general] you expect that to be your KH's job, you'll be inevitably left wanting (and not in a fun way) and mutual resentment will likely build, no matter how much interest is there from the Top side. Same goes for the converse.

My two cents... Deciding what kind of power exchange you both want, if any, will go a long way towards everyone feeling their best, regardless of the specific circumstance therein.

Is that a secret? Doesn't seem like it should be.

 

To all involved, absolutely great thread. The main issue everyone has touched on here, whether intentionally or not, is communication. No matter how any of us ended up at chastity and having/wanting Keyholders, communication is key(bad pun notwithstanding). Talking about our wants, needs, hopes, fears; all of this and more is, in my opinion, the only thing that makes the whole thing work. Breathe brings up a good point; KH’s do not take control, they accept what is given. A good KH will listen to and consider the submissive’s desires when moving forward, but the sub should never expect the KH to just know what to do. It is a constant exchange of thoughts and feelings that will make long term happiness possible. Okay, enough from me, I’m just as in the dark about this as anyone else and trying to figure out my place in my own experience. I just feel that in all of this, it’s the brain that is the most important aspect of how we give our bodies the pleasure we seek and continue to deepen all aspects of our subtle and not so subtle relationships.

 

I look at this differently. If I remind her of what I would like, it's like saying "I run better with high octane fuel than low octane, and cleaning the spark plugs now and then helps, too." That's not back seat driving, it's instructions for optimum performance. It's up to her how well she wants the car to run. My wife is finding that keeping the car tuned up and ready to go provides the most enjoyable ride for her.

I really contest the "topping from the bottom" thing. A relationship has to be win win. Not compromise but finding the best way to get both people's needs met.

Yep.

Have you completely confused her over the past year or so? . What you are describing sounds like she's trying some flavor of what you guys have done and you have wanted to try, done, and said you have wanted, liked, disliked, etc.

I agree, discontent is a great word for it. We need to get at least our minimal desires met, as @Nicoftime says, keeping the tank full. That's exactly what it is. With that, I can take on nearly anything. I can show up fully me, loving her, and give her what she needs. Which is usually a lot of tease and denial to rev me up to bring all of my horny masculine energy to her, which she loves soaking up.

Which brings up another thought...does she know what she wants yet?

My wife is very deliberately experimenting with me to see what has the most desirable effect for her benefit. Which means, of course, it keeps my tank full. But not necessarily in the way I want in the moment. Sometimes I'm desperate to be let out of the cage, or desperate for an orgasm and she may tease at that, but that serves to build the fire. I may be about to lose my mind, and she is soaking in the attention, energy and moaning and aching for her. And ultimately it fills my tank, too, and I haven't suffered the effects of the drop. You guys have been through all of this, so I wonder if she is still trying to figure out what she wants, and how to 'tune you' to get it.

In my case, her confidence and self awareness have intersected into that "be careful what you ask for" stage that she very much doesn't hesitate to take the reigns, and is quickly dialing in what she wants...and knows that I'm loving every second of it. Which just accelerates her exploration of how to heighten the overall energy between us. For example, she knows keeping me caged, with lots of teasing creates intense sexual frustration in me that ends up in sexual energy focused on her in massive amounts...which she loves and soaks up! And that giving me an orgasm is tremendous fun for her when she's in the mood and turns me into a giggling mess of emotional release, which she also loves. When she shifted her mindset from "how do I keep him happy" to "when he's happy I benefit, and ultimately both of our tanks are full and we have an abundance available for each other." And at that point there is no pressure to perform, or worry about doing something wrong, etc.

Another fascinating part of figuring ourselves and each other out (I mentioned this in another post), is the concepts of the Erotic Blueprints (energetic, sensual, sexual, kinky, and shapeshifter). My wife is VERY energetic, so for her it's all about drawing out energy, playing with energy between us. I am very much a shapeshifter...I love [and need] all of it. I can play in the energetic right along with her, but have come to the realization that I eventually need a little bit of each. So between us, to build the maximum energy (which she loves), she knows a little kink (e.g. chastity), some teasing (sexual), and the sensuality of the environment, caressing and skin on skin puts my in my sweet spot and my fully authentic masculine energy pours out of me and she soaks it up. It's a recipe for giving both of us exactly what we want. For a long time I think she struggled with being so energetically and emotionally attuned. Sex can become easily overwhelming and overstimulating. And she didn't understand why or what was "wrong". While at the same time I could go all night, the more intense the better. You can see how not understanding and accepting what we each needed was a recipe for disaster...and gaining that insight meant we could figure out how her throttling the energy is compatible with my kinky (and chastity) that now lives in that space 24/7. She has whatever level of sexual intensity she wants available whenever she wants it. And I'm always in some state of head game that is fueling one or more of my blueprint needs.

She has gained the confidence realizing that she can't really mess it up as long as she's striving for her maximum enjoyment and knows how to "tune me" to my sweet spot for her benefit. For a long time while we were figuring this out, yes, there was a lot of confusion, resentment, not sure what to do, I'm bad for what I want, she's bad for what she doesn't want, etc. The context of the blueprints (among many other ideas around how to ask for what we want, how to negotiate, etc) really gave us an objective way to look at it and OWN what we want. Then figure out how to give to each other to get what we want.

Only you know this....what keeps your tank full? And what is her motivation to keep your tank full?

And how do you both clearly articulate and talk about it to achieve what each other wants?

 

Why did you want chastity?

What was your motivation?

 

@knightly i get where you’re coming from, and information isn’t a bad thing for sure, especially if this is to be something fun for you both.

If she already knows what turns you on, makes you run hot…and she’s not doing it, it’s because she doesn’t want to. I can’t imagine having my wife perform stuff on me knowing she doesn’t want to, kind of defeats the mindset of all this.

For example, I love to be pegged, it flips my subbie switch, she knows this, has done it a few times, and doesn’t anymore. She didn’t forget that I like that, but she isn’t comfortable doing that obviously. Should I give her more information on how I enjoy being pegged…again? Pestering someone to do something they aren’t into isn’t exactly submissive, it is more like getting your own way.

Then again, we already had many talks about what turns us on, so unless some new understanding or kink comes to light, there isn’t any reason to keep giving useful information that she already has.

 

And statements like these are part of the deepening problems on this board, imo. It's not a contest.

These are relationships - unique to the likewise unique individuals within them. Compatibility is far from guaranteed, which I know is not a popular take for posters that seem most interested in 'kinkifying' their partners within pre-existing, longterm relationships using an objectified player as a kink-dispenser model.

Hell, even having some of the same kinks does not inherently enhance the chance of success in a relationship when there is a lack of open, honest, vulnerable communication.

My take: Those types of comparisons feed the same conventional nonsense that pit people against one another in Vanillaville... so it can be vexing to see so much of the same energy on display, especially in places that are 'supposed' to uplift FLRs and the individuals within them. That's part of why I barely post here anymore.

How much vulnerability in communication would (general) you expect a KH to demonstrate if (s)he hears messages or experiences situations in a 'power exchange' that could be summarized something like this:

That leaves no room for her to safely discuss her own desires, worries, concerns, and... say it with me... individuality as a person first. Certainly no room for leading in the way that suits her best - provided that's something she actually wants. And yet some of y'all still wonder why the hell play doesn't happen . . .

(Btw: Every single bit of that can move in the opposite direction. Plenty of Tops/Doms out there have consumed the same Kool-aid and develop unreasonable and/or unspoken expectations of their bottoms/subs.)

 

I find myself agreeing with Breathe. Communication is the key. You have to verbally express yourself and allow her the same courtesy or it won’t work. In my experience this is the most not way to make things work. I am witnessing the end of my marriage due to lack of communication and now I am on the process of trying to make this split as civil and painless as possible. I do not mean to witness or share details, only to highlight that communication is the only way to find your way through this. Maybe if I had spoken up earlier…

 

“the most not way”- should be only way

 

What is the secret to keyholding?

Knowing the difference between what your sub says he wants vs what he actually wants vs what he needs.

Also this ^

But then again the OP is someone who insinuated elsewhere that hookups/casual sex is a requisite precursor to relationships so idk if this means anything here.

 

The fact is, most men, start out with unrealistic expectations. And, can’t let go.

If you are trying to start a FLR, men have trouble letting go and letting her lead. And it takes time for her leadership to develop. She needs time to understand and trust that he will actually let her lead. He usually gets impatient. This is where she figures out he only wants kink and tosses in the towel.

If it is for just chastity, she was supposed to be in control, but he constantly pesters her and she gets tired of it. She too tired from work and possibly family needs to add anything else.

In both cases, he did not keep his promise to let her control and that can hurt the relationship. He is in fact using her and she knows it.

There is no simple explanation. If the couple succeeds, the formula is always unique.

If there is one truth, she who is allowed to lead in her own time, in her own way, will have the best opportunity to develop a mutually rewarding framework for a fun and potentially exciting relationship.

 

The secret is communication, and enlightenment is awareness of the truth.

Be careful you don't fall for the fallacy of composition, which it seems you might be heading towards.

Anyway, our secret, as mentioned above, is open and honest communication. Sadly, that doesn't involve timer boxes, contracts and fancy rules, dildos, handcuffss, kicking in the balls, or slurping BBC cum from any assholes, and much like enlightenment being so simple that most won't believe it, the same is true for our secret.

No one buys into simple things, they need a 20 page formula and some magical tools and potions.

Better summary; OP shares his experience and asks others for theirs before proceeding to agree with the ones he agrees with, and disagrees with the ones he doesn't, before calling it all off as a loss because he didn't get the answer he wants

Anyway...

I often read posts like this and wonder what the request is really about. Is it sharing an experience, asking for advice, a call to arms to create something, fantasising because and unfulfiilled, or something else.

It's rarely easy to discover the purpose of the post.

Anyway, here's ode to dopamine that a mechanical turk friend wrote just for us

Ode to Dopamine

Dopamine, the craving's fuel,
A beguiling rush, a tempting jewel.
In every high, in every chase,
You lead us on, in endless race.

From first taste to addiction's hold,
In your allure, our souls enfold.
A prisoner to your fleeting thrall,
We heed the call, heedless of fall.

In ceaseless quest for greater pleasure,
We're bound to you, our hidden treasure.
Yet in your grip, we lose our way,
Yearning for more with each passing day.

Oh dopamine, relentless guide,
In your embrace, we seek to hide.
But in your depths, we find no rest,
Only a hunger that can't be blessed.

 

I like the poem you shared. As someone who has spent 31 years in a 12 step program(not because I am/was an addict, but because I was raised by one), this is kind of what addicts go through, too. As has been said by myself and others, you just gotta bite the bullet and spill your guts in such a way that your partner understands you are not blaming or accusing, but expressing your inner most self. Regardless off the outcome, you show your partner your thoughts and hopes and if you’re lucky, you start a dialogue that can benefit both of you. It’s kind of like building a house. You start with the foundation, then the frame, then the roof, and so on and so on. The rush comes when you get it finished and you can live in it and is the shelter you made starting with just a dream and a plan. Having said that, I wish I had taken my own advice long before now, but if I’m lucky, I will have learned from my previous mistake(s) and not make them again…