Using, to use, to be used

If it is a win win.. eg the "sub" wants to be used "wants to please" - then go ahead and "use him". Agree that is the point...

For me it is hard to understand what they get out of it as you always mention you don't want to meet them in person but if you are happy and they are happy that I call a great deal!

 

It doesn't seem wrong. A dominant and submissive personality melt together in perfect harmony and both are at their best when they are syncing up with one another. A submissive personalty is more at peace when they are helping a dominant personalty achieve their goals/dreams. They are one in the same, unless the dominant person is evil and using the submissive for a greater harm to somebody or the world.

 

It seems to me that it depends on the type of sub and the type of dom/domme.

Someone with one kind of kink might say that it is all about reciprocity, relationship and playtime, and that the very idea of using someone is abhorrent. But someone else would say that a D/s power imbalance needs to be actualised through not just a transfer of power from sub to dom/domme, but also a delivery of service and more.

The former might say that use is abuse, and a kind of immorality, or at least a risky relationship. The latter might say that a D/s relationship where both parties are 'having a good time' is not 'real' D/s.

It would be good if everyone tried to grasp how the others feel, in an open-minded way.

 

Is it wrong? If this male sub has already agreed to be locked up by you and have you hold his key even though you may never meet each other in person, than theirs nothing wrong with you using him to some degree because he has already consented to it. I do believe consent is a major factor when controlling someone. If that person isn't being forced to do things that are totally against his will than what's the problem.

The male that you have LockedUp and don't have personal contact with can stop the game at any time. He can cut off the cage and stop communicating with you at any time. If he is I contact with you and stays locked. He wants something more

 

To expand on the idea that the appropriateness of using depends on the type of sub and the type of dom/domme. I thought that I would say more about my own service submission, as that may be informative for others, in making the case for the permissibility of a real and practical power imbalance in a D/s relationship.

I am very strongly an 'inferior industrious service sub', in that I feel a deep need to be actually of use to a dom/domme, to be worked hard, to be treated harshly and to have my lowly status reinforced. This, I think, is driven by some deep-seated feeling of inadequacy and un-deservingness, combined with perfectionism, which has somehow become sexualised. (Although in the 'real world' I can be seen as over-confident, entitled and domineering - go figure!)

So I am attracted to confident, demanding, demeaning dominants who want to put me to work. I hate pain, but I like to be at risk of and subjected to physical discipline, because a deserved punishment gives me a sense of consequence for failure, and a deserved or undeserved punishment reinforces the power imbalance that I crave.

It also means that I find 'play' or 'scenes' rather unsatisfying, since I am not attracted to 'easily delivered' scenarios like pain for its own sake or fetish items like leather – a 'dungeon' seems fake and pointless to me, whereas a dirty kitchen or an unkempt garden looks like an opportunity to serve. Dressing up makes no sense to me either; for me it is about getting the job done, not the nice costume, although I do find nudity a powerful signal of lowered status. Chastity is important to me, and tease is not, because I feel unworthy of the pleasure and distraction of sexual release, and motivated by sexual tension. I am motivated, not by praise for being a good boy or doing well, but by being acknowledged in an off-hand way for being moderately useful, and by being expected to do better.

My 'hottest' sub experiences have included cleaning bathrooms (and entire houses), chauffeuring a dom/domme couple for a day of house hunting, and handing a thick wad of cash to a findomme so she could go on a nice holiday. This is, indeed, being used.

I would also mention that for me, fantasising about this is a massive turn-on, but actually providing these services is a serious business, that brings deep psychological contentment, but actually is not evidently very sexual – I don't think I have ever had an erection while providing service or being punished.

In providing these services to a dom/domme, there is of course some sort of mutual transaction going on. I am getting what I want out of it, and I do need certain buttons pushed to be best motivated, although I feel that this is a disappointing limitation, not a legitimate demand. But my mindset is very much around giving the dom/domme what they want, not on playing a mutually enjoyable game.

Finally, this type of submission does certainly have its problems and risks; in relationship, safety, sanity and consent terms. A demanding but loving FLR along the lines of the famous Ms Rika's would be ideal for me, no doubt. Without access to that, one is driven to being at the service of relative strangers, of being persuaded to serve those who are 'not really dominant' (although it is questionable how much that matters), or getting too deep in the 'purest' form of service submission (in my view) which is findom, where the dom/domme barely has to tolerate the sub at all, and reaps the practical benefits.

YMMV

 

It makes no sense, really.

It is a power exchange, and one entered into willingly on both sides. I understand your reasons for your tasks and agree with them wholeheartedly and it is my pleasure to assist you in achieving your goals. I gain nothing out of it, other than a sense that it is the right thing to do. I willingly agree to do what I have been asked. What can be wrong with that?

 

The measure is coercion. If the power exchange is freely given, it's not 'using'. If the power exchange is partially or fully forced against one's will, it's using.

 

Yes indeed. And Miss Lucy is scrupulous in saying it's all about her and nothing to do with male gratification. Anyone who takes part knows exactly what the situation is.

 

While it has been said already in some ways ...
It is simple ...
If you manipulate someone into a situation (not honest with them) then you are using them ...
whether sexual / chastity or regular life ...
If you are honest and truthful from the beginning (obviously no blackmail) and the participant is still willing then I'm not sure how anyone could really say it's "using someone".

Just because we don't like / enjoy / want something it does not make it wrong. I have no interest in the way Lucy chooses to be a KH, but that does not make her wrong it only means she is not a match for me.

Edit .... Lucy is very upfront about how she KH so ... how could it be "using"

 

As long as the sub is (consentually) happy to be used, and most crave being used, then there is nothing wrong with it.

 

This may sound simplistic, but I have noticed that submissives who are more service-driven in their submission feel useful when given everyday tasks, and submissives who are more sexually-driven in their submission feel used when asked to perform everyday, non-erotic tasks. (I know this is a generalization, and many submissives are driven to various degrees by both service and sexuality.)

IMO, I doubt your tasks are the issue -- it's how the submissive perceives your requests in relation to his submissive identity (that is, his idea of what a submissive is "supposed" to do).

 

Absolutely not. Male subs who devote themselves in this way are there to be used. This may upset some, but Femdom and D/s isn't a democracy. This should be carried out without reciprocity.

 

There's a weird double-think around Fedom: "It's OK to simulate bad things, but not do them for real."

So service is OK as long as it's either useless, or else so hampered by fetish as to be more trouble than it's worth. Sadism is fine as long as it's performed and never done with actual sadistic feelings... and so on.

(Oddly, one doesn't see this quite as much around Maledom, which has a strong vein of "Bend over bitch now make me a coffee.")

 

I am speaking from a subs perspective, my perspective......simple answer NO it is not wrong!
When my Mistress asks me, actually asks....not tells, if I will do something for her.....I say yes without hesitation. I get so much pleasure from this it's hard to explain. If she also tells me why she needs my help....oh my I feel amazing!
It's not all about tease and denial, harsh words and humiliation....its also about building up a deep and lasting friendship.
Well it is with me.....my respect and love for my Mistress feel real and not fake, and I feel she has love for me.
I know that if a sub didn't enjoy this aspect of the relationship he/she would leave.....so I guess you are doing something right!

 

I completely agree - this is the key to this issue and to how people respond.

 

Depending on the type of submission preferred, there seems to be a 'yes please, Mistress', to 'yes, Mistress', to 'no way' response to tasks/services that kicks in at as you progress through the levels (that I have invented) below.

See how far down the list you get to before you hit 'not for me, thanks' (or maybe for some it is more like, 'no way, you evil witch'):

1. - play (no tasks)
2. - play tasks (boot licking, etc)
3. - inmate play tasks (foot kissing, oral)
4. - useless tasks (write-for-me, corner time, etc)
5. - useful tasks (homework, research, etc)
6. - useful 'personal' tasks (house cleaning, etc)
7. - slave labour (working to make money) (aieee! findom!)
8. - gift-giving (aieee! findom!)
9. - cash-giving (aieee! findom!)
10. - budgetary control (aieee! findom!)
11. - paycheck-giving (loving FLR)
12. - suicide for insurance payout to domme (OK, that one is a bit extreme)

For me, personally, its starts out with 3-4 'meh' responses, and then get seriously hot, but also scary / irresponsible.

One could probably construct similar hierarchies for desired levels of pain, deprivation and (of course) chastity.

 

Yes, I think this absolutely nails it. And as a more service-oriented submissive, I obviously have no difficulty wiith Miss Lucy's instructions

 

Semantics strike again. Such a common phenomenon. We all have 'individualized' connotations for terms under the service umbrella. So...

In a word... Nope.

 

Well. I am new to all of this especially to the Female domination part.

But my view on all of this that you Miss Lucy know what are you into and that you know how this lifestyle/fetish works. And that you shouldn't allow yourself to be umm put out of balance with the comments of people that only saw chastity on Tumblr. (Don't get me wrong, most of people from my experience are liked that. I ofcourse accept all forms of corrections on that )
As for the usage part, as basically everyone here. That realtionship is agreed on both sides. And the point of all it is to express domination that isn't always sexually oriented. We all like to hear bend over, do that and that in a sexually way. But being truly submissive should be if not in all in many aspects. Not just the horny ones
If you don't like the way it works, end it, goes for both sides.

I consider that it would be wrong to use someone for your own good or benefit, via blackmail (If blackmail isn't a fetish of theirs ofcourse), that simply isn't a mutual enjoyment and lifestyle.

I hope I said everything okay, just wanted to shoot out my own opinion

 

No, and the word is a definitive NO

 

Didn't mean to imply YOU were into that, just addressing the question in a general way. In my case, I freely submit to my wife and don't feel used at all.

As a sub of course sometimes I'll get a little grumpy and think I'm being used. And then my inner voice says, "You signed up for this so get moving and quit bitching."

 

See no problem. They're getting what they asked for, one way or another.

 

(found on 'da web')