Still looking for advice

Discussion in 'Chastity in vanilla life' started by Newchasteoz, Sep 25, 2020.

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  1. Newchasteoz
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    Newchasteoz New member

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    I have reviewed a lot of threads and can’t find what I am looking for, hence the question.

    My SO and I have been moving along quite well, but there is still the odd road block. The Sex has been amazing when allowed, but she still ‘doesn’t get it.’ I have tried to explain it, provided a few links to pages such as Tickleberry and such.

    She says she understands that it is important to me, understands the process but doesn’t understand the denial and how that helps. There is some buy in as she has experienced what she sees as the benefits but still has doubts and questions.

    So my question, do I persevere and wait to see how much she needs to know, or refer her to this page hoping she will seek and read, or are we on the right track and just need to be prepared for the slow realisation of the benefits for both of us and our relationship?

    regards.
     
  2. MissyB
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    MissyB Active member

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    Each couple is different, but it sounds like you are on the right path. Remember you are asking her to accept an idea that is totally different than what she's heard all her life. Prior to this, i'm sure you wanted to cum all the time and she feels responsible for those in many ways. Now you've asked het to do it differently. She has done a lot, it seems to me, so don't get discouraged. I'd suggest putting more effort into showing her benefits of her denying you. First make sure she knows, that she still can have as many orgasms as she needs. Emphasize that her orgasms make you feel good. Also pay more attention to her emotional needs and wants. Put more effort into relieving her of chores, if that is part of your arrangement. Generally don't rush her, let her acclimate to this new life. Good luck and enjoy.
     
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  3. madams-sissysub
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    couldn’t be put better! Don’t force things, good luck on our journey!
     
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  4. Wonderwomanssub
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    Wonderwomanssub Active member

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    Slow down and let her do what she wants. My mistress and I usually have some form of sex at least once a week and I am not denied an orgasm. Like you, I used to get a little frustrated because I wanted to experience that long term denial and at times she did have me locked for longer periods but that usually meant I didn’t get to pleasure her either, she would literally deny herself during that time as well. I really disliked that and am much happier with our more frequent intimate sessions. Just let her do her thing and as she becomes more confident she may change her tune and try something different with you. The worst thing you can say to her is that “she’s not getting it”. She totally gets it, you don’t get that you should be doing it her way.
     
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  5. homebody
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    homebody In awe of GoddesofHomebody

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    Well said
     
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  6. D.in.HT
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    D.in.HT Locked

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    My advice:

    Take it slow, don't force it on her.
    Talk. Talk a lot. And not only about chastity or locking your cock. Talk about her being dominant or taking control of when and how often you have sex. Help your SO gain confidence in being dominant and making the calls. Listen to her concerns and her ideas.

    It took us 5 years from ordering the first cage till she felt comfortable and started enjoying locking me up. 5 years until she took the chastity cage out of our box on her own and totally out of the blue for me and wanted to lock me up just because she felt like it without me asking for it or making any comments.

    Be patient, talk a lot about all things intimate and don't force it on your SO.

    That's what worked for us.
     
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  7. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    We are on a male chastity website, understand the kink, and still no closer to answering you because we are not really told what you want.

    Because there are so many variations and variables, more info is needed. There are several types of male chastity. One is being denied. Locked away and teased, tortured almost, through tease and denial. Bondage and masochism of bdsm. Another is more dominance of giving up control, as in you stay locked until she unlocks you. In this mode, there may or not be teasing and denial, she may unlock you every night. Point being is that it’s her decision and has nothing to do with you.

    There are other versions as well, discipline wear, casual wear, etc. If you two want more of a FLR chastity experience, you get unlocked and orgasm Whenever she wants. If it’s a foreplay thing that you want her to tease and deny you, you will need to explain that to her. That you get excited and turned on by her revving you up and leaving you there. That way she knows that denying you is actually giving you your orgasm fix, pleasing you through denial.

    And don’t forget. You know how you love to see and hear her orgasm for you...well they feel the same way. So being pissy about cumming and not being denied is being fairly selfish and one sided. Remember she wants this to be fun too.
     
  8. SubSnuggler
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    SubSnuggler Owned by Fiona with the Magical Velveteen Pussy

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    So much gold here. Especially that last paragraph.

    My KH and I had a long conversation today about kinks and what we want to enjoy together. She mentioned orgasms and cumdrop. Yes, as a sub I get gun shy about cum drop and dislike it. But in our dynamic, my orgasms don't belong to me. If she wants that cum, I give it to her, when and how she demands it. To do otherwise, as Nic so eloquently points out, is selfish.
     
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  9. SubSnuggler
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    SubSnuggler Owned by Fiona with the Magical Velveteen Pussy

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    Just a left-field suggestion, if SHE is ok with hit. Maybe hire a pro domme to do a session with both of you. Make sure she understands that this means NO SEX, just submission. You do your subby thing, and she sits and watches a woman dominate you. If she's good with it, seeing your submission in such a powerful way might just ignite a passion in her to feel the same power over you. Or, it might just extinguish it permanently. It's risky, but might work.
     
  10. Js12457899
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    Js12457899 Member

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    With my wife, talked to her about trying chastity this past spring. She did, had me locked up for 76 days, unlocked me and gave me a ruined orgasm. After that she wanted nothing to with it. Could not understand why I needed to be chastized. Then after a couple of months I brought the subject up, we talked and she agreed to give it a try. I reached out and was talking to a Mistress on this site and she told me I was topping from the bottom and I needed to stop. I am careful how I talk to my wife to ensure I don't top. When she makes a decision small or big I thank her and reinforce that she was correct. That has been working g for me and my wife has become more comfortable with me being locked up. Hope this helps.
     
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  11. sissydavenport
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    sissydavenport Locked sissy sub / spouse of Mistress Davenport

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    This is not meant as a slight, but this is a terrible idea. Pro Dommes are completely different animals than Dominant Wives. A Dominatrix is about enacting a fetish on-demand, a Mistress is about the relationship with Their husband and partner for life.

    Back to @Newchasteoz , the key is to bridge to the things that She enjoys sexually. For U/us, tease & denial made it all click, as it's very much Her thing (and I really enjoy being used as often as possible). When that was the focus, other elements can easily be added.
     
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  12. SubSnuggler
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    SubSnuggler Owned by Fiona with the Magical Velveteen Pussy

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    #12 SubSnuggler, Sep 25, 2020
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2020
    It’s not a terrible idea- my lifestyle domme suggested it and we’ve done it. No one thinks or expects a Mistress wife to be dominant like a pro in a dungeon. I live 24/7, and know that’s not true. BUT, pro dommes can and do help Mistress wives- by demonstrating ways to do a scene and drive a sub into subspace. My wife has worked with a pro to learn and grow and she will again. It works.

    Think about it- if you can’t top from the bottom, and Mistress doesn’t know, you learn and explore together. Some people read books. Some people visit munches. Some people watch videos. And some people hire an expert to teach.
     
  13. sissydavenport
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    sissydavenport Locked sissy sub / spouse of Mistress Davenport

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    I'm glad it worked out for you, but reading the original post, it's not a question of "how to," it's an entire re-orientation. As he suggested, the forum holds the key (couldn't help it...) and the Keyholder's section of this forum would provide some excellent insights from other real Women.
     
  14. Newchasteoz
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    Newchasteoz New member

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    Where do I start thanking you all.

    I guess in some way I kind of knew what is above, but always good to get another perspective.

    We are not into the full sub/dom lifestyle but the tease/denial/intellectual aspect of it. I am very bad at explaining myself I feel and I really don’t want to turn her off by being a poor communicator but certainly trying to explain my side. I really don’t want to be seen to top from the bottom but explain myself when asked. We have some understanding but hearing that it can take a significantly long time is certainly reassuring that I am on the right path.

    As always I appreciate the advice.
     
  15. MrsBR_Saiph
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    MrsBR_Saiph Hotwife & Keyholder
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    Oh my! I strongly disagree with this. Step away from this completely. Exposing a vanilla woman to her husband's powerful reaction to a pro domme setting on fire his innermost fantasies. This will kill every ounce of confidence within the poor woman as she realizes she can never be what you want and need her to be. This is an experience for a much more advanced and confident woman to learn to perfect some techniques. This would break her heart.
     
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  16. MrsBR_Saiph
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    MrsBR_Saiph Hotwife & Keyholder
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    Our whole lives women see and experience men chasing sex like rutting dogs. Then one day our man comes to us with a chastity cage in hand and says he wants us to lock his cock, control his orgasms, the fewer orgasms the better so feel free to deny me indefinitely. As stated in an earlier post this goes against everything we know and understand as normal. You say your wife doesn't get it, doesn't understand the denial. To be honest I'm not entirely sure I do either and I have been playing in this arena for sometime now. My point is your woman doesn't need to understand. Your woman just needs to experience the rewards this life offers in order to continue coming back for more. It is up to you, through verbal and nonverbal communication to make sure your woman experiences those rewards. If you want this life, make this experience for her so completely irresistible that she can't walk away. When you look at her she will warm, when you touch her she will dampen, when you hold her she will melt. Chastity is a powerful state for our men of course, it is also very powerful for us women. It will take time to find your Nirvana together. Don't rush the journey, treasure each step and milestone along its path. Best wishes ❤️
     
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  17. Newchasteoz
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    Newchasteoz New member

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    Thank you.
     
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  18. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Active member

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    Remember you've thought about this deeply, over a long period of time. She hasn't. She's simply not as bought into it as you are and probably never will be. Don't push her or you'll lose even the lower level support you currently have.

    If she is interested, she'll embrace it in her own time.

    Good luck
     
  19. Mrloched
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    Mrloched Active member

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    For me chastity is about giving control of my penis to my partner. If she wants it locked, its locked. If she wants it off, its off.
    It kinda sounds to me like you want her to be the keyholder but also dictate that it must remain locked.
    I would definatly recomend using a strapon on her. Let her pick the dildo she likes. My mrs does have more fun on the strapon but she still wants the real thing as well. It sounds like she has been very open to exploring your desires. If she feels like shes trying to accommodate you, but your still not happy it will cause resentment and its going to cause problems.
     
  20. Chaste J.
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    Chaste J. Active member

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    My wife definitely prefers the strap on to me! She makes sure she is fully satisfied before I'm released (about once a year now). I'm lucky if I last 20 seconds inside her! Mrs Chaste finds it hilarious, and says it's really not worth the effort of unlocking you!
     
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  21. SubSnuggler
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    SubSnuggler Owned by Fiona with the Magical Velveteen Pussy

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    #21 SubSnuggler, Sep 26, 2020
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2020

    Oh my! Indeed. There are a number of very prominent posters on this site, both male and female, that are involved in the pro- and fin-dom world. I'm sure will cringe when they see this thread. They don't see themselves as fetish dispensers, and I think most of them would strongly object to the 'pornhub' view of their profession. They are people, just like you and me, that practice BDSM as a calling. Many of them, perhaps most of them, are highly educated and have spent much time studying the psychology of sex. They aren't prostitutes, and they aren't the caricature whip-wielding sluts of a comic strip.

    You might, with a bit of search, find that are threads on this very website, about pros who give excellent education of the psychology of submission; what 'is' sub space, it's benefits, and how to achieve it. They teach knot-tying, they teach how to avoid an abusive dynamic, they teach the language of dominance, and they teach the obligations of sane, safe, and consent when it comes to domination. They don't do 'scenes'- instead they teach how to do a scene, why it works, how to do it safely, and when you shouldn't. They are people that have seen it, done it, experienced it, and want to share with others the pleasures that can come from BDSM. They are willing, friendly guides to a world where missteps and landmines are everywhere. Often, their subs (lifestyle submissives at that!) accompany them on educating newbies to an exciting world.

    Alternatively, you can find right here on this forum threads on cuckholding, permanent chastity, sissification, bondage, small penis humiliation and more. These are unmoderated to the reader, and are a wild west of crazy fetish without any guide to determine what thread is the feverish rantings of a denied sub or even fetish writing with nor root in reality. Yet the 'good advice' is to refer to this forum for this poor woman's education. I think that if you feel that way, you might want to step back a minute.

    I said that my wife had help from pro-dominatrices to help us and it worked. We found those people here, on this forum, reached out to them, and my wife corresponds both with subs and dommes whenever she has questions. Her favorite domme literally has a Phd in Psychology and wrote a dissertation on BDSM. That domme teaches around the world.

    So, I will gladly say that this knee-jerk reaction to a 'scene' with a domme is not reality, and not what I was referring to. I certainly should have composed my post in a more detailed way. It's a collaborative exploration with someone that can help a couple understand what makes kink, well, FUN.
     
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  22. MrsBR_Saiph
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    You are correct it was absolutely a knee jerk reaction. Absolutely no disrespect to the profession intended. I have no doubt these professionals have a tremendous amount to offer. I maintain however that a newbie woman not truly understanding what her man is seeking is likely to feel inadequate in this situation.
    Apologies for the offence, it was not intended. :love:
     
  23. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    I’m sure that makes sense and is very logical. One thing I want is front row tickets to that conversation! “Sweetie, you just don’t seem to be understanding what I’m getting at. Let’s hire a professional so you can watch her perform the very intimate acts I want you to do to me.”

    Unless you have a very solid communication and openness to new things, this would be a disaster! Nothing could make a woman feel more inadequate and threatened, than asking someone else to show her what she’s doing wrong. That might not be the intention, it will certainly play out that way though.

    If a couple is pretty entrenched in kink, open, and she is curious on the subject matter, it might be something to throw out there and see if you get a nibble. Newbie, anxious, and uncertain? I would avoid asking about adding a pro like poison.
     
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  24. Drews
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    Drews Active member

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    This post likely says it all about how your wife is feeling. She likely feels it is her duty to make sure you get off. My wife finally got it when I discussed how sex felt after she kept me locked. I told her it makes it feel like the first time we had sex every time. My feelings toward her become to an intensity that I have not felt in years. When she is in the mood for sex and I have been denied she now feels me enjoying her. Now that she understands how I feel it makes her feel more special. She also embraces the fact she only has to have sex when she is in the mood not everytime I get horny. I hope that helps.
     
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  25. NZSenator
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    I can understand both sides of the argument with a pro-domme, as above for a vanilla wife to be exposed to her husband being dominated in such a way that she had never contemplated would be overwhelming and very intimidating, but equally, men are often pretty crap at explaining what they want (either through embarrassment or having only seen stuff in porn not knowing how to explain it) so having someone not emotionally connected might allow them to open up to things and show their partner in a way that they could never.

    Add Mrs Sen to the list of wives who were programmed to gratify the man, even when not really in the mood (e.g. her period) and that the reversal of putting her own pleasure first is completely foreign to her. It wasn't until after a session for her I explained the high I get from seeing her in the throws of passion and learning to ride the peaks of being horny is so different. I explained that it wasn't that I don't like to cum myself, but that when I don't, I stay on edge and get quite a buzz and this makes me only desire her more. We are ofcourse still evolving and establishing what direction our chastity lifestyle / relationship is heading, but we continue to be open to possibilities and communicate along the way.

    I'd also +1 for the strap on, if she has a dildo that she uses already then its not a big step to put on a harness. We are still new to it and only used her dildo as a strap on a handful of times, but once she gets past the issue that you are doing the motions, or are in a favourite position etc but it isn't actually your penis penetrating her, she'll then likely relax into it. Mrs Sen still finds it a bit odd, but one of her favourite dildos is a bit bigger then me, longer and girthier and whilst we have used this together (not in a harness), adding it to a harness added a whole new element to it.

    Good luck which ever way it goes.
     
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