Part 5 ~ The best thing about the future is it only comes one day at a time...

Well I feel pretty blah today. Feel a bit like crying actually which is utterly stupid.

The whole cuckolding episode (or not, depending on how you have chosen to view me!) has bared my soul to anyone who cared to see... including myself.

I'm surprised at some things.

I'm obviously not a heartless cuckoldress, destined to humiliate my pet with nights of wanton passion with other men... I do need a connection with the other person.

The reason I'm drivelling on is that the watch has been returned, conversations have been exchanged and it is blatently obvious that BG feels he made a huge mistake and regrets the whole thing. I feel hurt.

I didn't want any continuation, he wasn't the right Alpha Male for the situation. pet felt he couldn't be humiliated by someone his age, and tbh I felt ugly in his presence... and I want to feel as beautiful as you all make me feel when you post lovely messages on my photos.

So... I haven't let it go. I've said it many times before but BB is our perfect Alpha Male. I have huge emotional attachment to him and the feelings are mutual, and have been since I was 19.

He is very happily married, and I know that he would not jeapodise that, I'm utterly blissed out with pet and would never leave him, so the situation is perfect... and I'm still fully intent on that happening!

BB - you have to make the effort if you want to be in the infamous book you keep pestering me to write!

Ok... I think I've got everything out of my system. Back to normality!

I still haven't got round to playing with pet and the Valentines presents... oh that reminds me, MEO have a huge sale on at the moment, so there will be a devious package turning up some time this week too.

Also - one of the houses we've found has 6 bedrooms, and the smallest bedroom is right nextdoor to the Master Bedroom. Block off the external door, knock a door through from the Master Bedroom and voila! A dungeon!

Hubby is back in the middle of March now, so hopefully selling the house is just round the corner. If he will have the kids at some point and pet's mother will have baby, maybe we'll have to go to the Studio and see what sort of equipment we would like in our dungeon!

Right, I'm done! Feeling more positive, trying not to worry about what other people think about how I look or what I've done, and (vaguely) raring to go... and I must take and post February's photos!

 

Here we are in our usual "we've had a problem, now what" vanilla world...

In this instance I will freely admit I am waiting for pet to make the first move. May grate with a lot of peeps here, but under the circumstances I want to make sure this is still what he wants.

A couple of times this past week I've wanted to play with the new toys (and can't wait for our parcel from MEO to turn up) but I just don't feel its "normal" to get kinky while in vanilla mode! :spider:

On a brighter note, I have been through my lingerie!

All the "outfits" are now organised into 4 boxes, each labelled with 3 months. I feel like a great weight has been lifted! (Sad I know!) I'm now waiting for the paint to dry in my built in wardrobe. When I emptied it there was a huge damp patch! :anim_39: Fortunately all the items at that end of the wardrobe were mainly rubber, or my extra special outfits which are in clothing bags, so nothing was ruined.

Whilst clearing out I found a beautiful Marie Antoinette costume that I adore, but never fitted into... so that's my goal for October! THAT's the outfit I want to wear for Halloween this year.

Oh - the new house we found has a long driveway and lawn either side where it curves round to come up to the front door. pet and I were discussing Halloween, and I said one side could be a graveyard, and the otherside we could set up in a gazebo or something with a spooky cauldron, etc, to give the Trick or Treaters their goodies! So exciting!

Spoke to ex2b via email today. He is in good spirits and has an interview later today for a job in Russia. He is also booking his flight home today I think, so I must reorganise the housing/solicitors appointments.

So... not much fun going on in the Watchful household at the moment, just busy busy!

 

:sad0125:

 

I was just checking a) my journal was still visible and b) whether or not anyone was still speaking to me!

Thank you kris and tom. :manga_champers:

Yes, there is a break coming up... unfortunately I will be doing assignments through most of it and (hopefully) selling the house during the rest of it!

After Easter though there are no more lectures, it's just dissertation work... but of course I wouldn't be happy with so much time on my hands so I will be starting on my PA Diploma!

Off to Uni... running late as ever. Behave everyone! :spankwhip:

 

Lol... I don't think our life is *that* busy! We have 4 kids and are both studying, it all seems pretty normal to me!

I must make time to exercise though, things are really getting me down about my weight. A couple of things haven't helped.

Peeping at the video, I hate how I look, it's upset me quite a lot actually. I think what is worse is that I really wasn't at my best that night and fucked up totally. I'm more annoyed that BG now thinks I'm crap in bed, despite the fact it shouldn't matter in the grand scale of things, but it does. I don't think I should be judged on a one-off drunken romp.

Secondly, a class mate somehow in the middle of a discussion about Atlanta's air pollution alluded to the fact that yes, I was obviously overweight but could do something about it if I wanted, and anyway - I dressed nice so it didn't show too much.

I was too stunned to say anything at the time, as was my classmate who was with me.

To add insult to injury we were moaning about the classmate who called me fat and I told the guys what she had said (hoping to get some kind of feel-good hug) and BG just laughed and said "Oh yeah, R told me all about that". Great. That made me feel even more shit than I did before.

The other male classmate that was there said "curves are good" but having said that he is a gentleman, and I wouldn't expect anything less of him. But the overall feeling is that yes... I am the fat, dumb, blonde.

It is impacting on things at home. I don't want to be anywhere near pet. I'm diving back under the duvets in layers of pyjamas and going to sleep as quick as I can.

Yay for lots of lessons learned. :sad0004:

So, that's where I am today. Yes I'm hard on myself, but if I'm not I'm just going to get fatter and more unfit and hate myself even more than I do now.

Not looking for sympathy, just wanted to vent.

Late for Uni again... :sign0094:

 

You guys are the best... :love0038:

This is definitely a personal, emotional, mental thing rather than a physical thing. It has a lot to do with what other people think, rather than how I feel.

I look at the photos in my gallery, and sometimes I think they are great, and then other times I realise they were the best picks... but I guess in the real world the models don't just shoot one roll (or whatever it is in the digital age!) and then they are airbrushed (just not quite so much as mine! lol!)

I'm feeling in a slightly better frame of mind today. BG was nice to me yesterday, so either I was looking pretty miserable or he was just being normal and I'm over analysing!

pet has also been very sweet, but we're back in the cycle where he daren't go anywhere near me because I'm not happy and will bite his head off! This in turn makes me feel unattractive... :confused0082:

I want to get the Revenge ordered, something to look forward too, but pet is still fiddling around with measurements...

I managed to humiliate myself in class yesterday! :bad-girl-0009: We had been reading and discussing a paper on Social Justice. It's written in a dream-like (or nightmare) apocalyptic vision of the future where all money is disposed of, people live in self-sustaining communities, sex is bought and paid for on a credit system :work4sex: ... a lot of it was pretty odd, but I thought was quite feasible.

Of course I'm the only one who decides to say I quite like the dream! You can have sex with who you want, when you want, no matter what sex! The people who are good at raising children, raise the children! You do what you are good at and barter it with others (yes, the author did point out the idea is not unique - Mormons...) no weapons, no wars, no money... everyone working for the greater good.

My lecturer just asked if I enjoyed science fiction.... I'm a bit hurt. So I'm different. This I knew!

Then I managed to get into a debate with the class-mate who called me fat! This was quite amusing... she was spouting off about how you should be able to encourage everyone to live morally and I merely pointed out that people are too unique to control. There will always be people who want to commit crimes... that doesn't mean they are miserable! They are probably rich and happy! That doesn't make it right... Boy she wasn't happy with me. She looked like she was going to explode and said "why are we here then?" I calmly tried to explain that as I said, everyone is unique, and we were the moral ones... eventually my lecturer stepped in and shut us up. He's not good with confrontation! :happy0195:

I'm waffling a lot today aren't I!?

Lack of sex, makes me delirous... to the point I can now imagine dollyanne as a blossoming pregnant woman with lactating nipples... Told you I was weird!

Where's my package from MEO?! That's what I want to know!

This is the calm before the storm though. 13 days to prepare the house for valuation, 13 days before my husband returns to the country. And all the assignments are starting to pile up!

Have a great day everyone, and thanks for stopping by. Hopefully photos (and maybe sex!) this weekend...

 

Good morning everyone! I'm in a VERY good mood today!

A beautiful bouquet of flowers arrived this morning with a heart shaped helium balloon. The flowers are stunning, but I do have a huge soft spot for helium balloons... so I will be playing with that for most of the day, and staring at it and smiling at it. Don't know what it is about them. I think I wasn't allowed them as a child because they were expensive and now I just can't get enough of the damn things! In fact, I want helium balloons at my funeral, not flowers.

To dollyanne, that book sounds great! Hopefully I will have some time to read from Easter onwards, so I have put it on my Amazon wish list. Then I got distracted and added some shoes too! Maybe pet will buy some for my birthday.

I think you are right in some respects. I am strange, unique, and some people really REALLY don't like that. That's why I think I'm very lucky pet turned up when he did. He relishes the fact I am different and doesn't try and get me to conform (as my husband did!) to be some sort of grown-up, sensible person.

The kids like it. Not many of their friends have an Xbox playing, karaoke singing mother who goes over-the-top on fancy dress parties.

Randomly waffling again!

Not sure what the weekend holds. It's the 1st tomorrow which means shopping in pet's home town, but in the mean time I really need to pull my finger out with housework and homework.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

 

Changed my mind...

 

xcite, thank you, as ever... you're fab!

I was surfing for how to make animated banners the other day and I came across all sorts of "airbrushing stories" on youtube, etc... they are AMAZING! I mean, I knew that they could take out blemishes, and make your eyes brighter, but I had NO IDEA they could slim your waist and increase your boob size!

This morning I decided to do something slightly more productive than airbrushing - I dusted off the treadmill! I only managed 30 mins, but was pretty pleased with myself and definitely felt the endorphins kicking it! It also gave me thinking time... I imagine all sorts of things when listening to certain things on the iPod, parties, nights out, work interviews! I set up a "treadmill playlist" a while ago and it has my fave pumping tunes and also inspirational tracks, and some that just make me smile. All helps with the motivation.

So I'm now sat here eating a bowl of porridge and feeling quite virtuous.

Having said that, I don't want to get too excited... one day is not enough to make me fit and slim! But I did enjoy it, and it made me feel better, so hopefully it will be easier to drag myself out of bed tomorrow than it was today!

What a super-exciting life! :spider:

Having said that - the MEO parcel is due to turn up today! :character0180:

 

The MEO parcel turned up and it wasn't as exciting as I remembered! :sad0123:

I bought red rubber sheets... we already have black, but the red was on sale. A spider gag... not sure how I'm going to utilise that - either forced golden nectar or forced blow job on my strap on. A new dildo for me! Should have some fun with that! Oh and nipple enlargement kit... pet saw that and said it sounded fun. Hopefully it will be painful fun! And some sort of rubber penis cock bondage thing which I need to figure out!

Ok - maybe it was a little bit exciting! arty-049: