Oh the webs that are woven

First, I would be getting him pierced for a PA, getting a very secure device, and have him locked for a LONG time (90 days minimum, six months to a year might be better considering how strong his habits are and how deceptive he’s been) to break him of his porn/masturbating habits and to stress that YOU are the only one for him and he is the only one for YOU. Make him understand that YOU are calling the shots now.

This is all “topping from he bottom” stuff that he needs to be broken of. Along with very strict and very long term lockup, I would either be getting rid of his phone or put some kind of filter on it that prevents him from doing what he’s been doing. No more porn, no more kik, no more any of that stuff. The porn might go away on its own once he loses access to his cock for a few months. Porn isn’t all that fun for a guy who effectively has no cock. But kik is a bit troubling since it is for contacting other people. That MUST go immediately.

This is all just fantasy for him, and he’s turned you into part of his selfish fantasy. You need to take charge and turn his fantasy into something that is positive for you. And it sounds like getting rid of his masturbating, porn, and potential infidelity should be at the top of the list. And a very long lockup in a very secure device would help a lot, along with a filtering app.

 

Oh, and you should not engage any of his fetish fantasies. No spanking, no forced feminization, no cuckolding, none of that stuff. Just him being very strictly locked up and your love life dictated by you. If you want a pretty vanilla sex life, then make it known that he is not to try to engage you in kinky things you’re not interested in. Set some boundaries.

For example, my wife made it clear very early that she hates oral and won’t touch toys. She only wants my hands and fingers down there, and they are only to be used on her clit and labia, no penetration. She doesn’t allow me to talk about my chaste condition, especially when pleasing her. If I bring it up, play time is over.

 

I know it likely wasn't easy to write that post, so kudos to you for sharing such personal thoughts and concerns with us here, @MadamBelle.

Your situation, in some ways but not others, reminds Me of a previous relationship I had for seven years. He didn't want Me to be dominant, though, so that part is another discussion entirely...

However, he displayed much of the same shady and inconsistently-attentive behavior you have described above: lengthy periods of deceit, 'forgotten' chat accounts, and compulsive porn watching. These habits can be painfully impacting on one's psyche, almost to an indescribable degree. Particularly if you are the 'bystander'. Feelings of inadequacy can plague every part of your life; I remember that feeling all too well.

We are all different so I'm afraid a one-size-fits-all, delineated solution isn't something you should hope to rely on. It might actually set up expectations that hurt even more if marks are not met. Have you considered counseling?

As to not blather on in your thread, I am more than willing to discuss My previous experiences with this and how I dealt with it in PM, if you'd like.

We are rooting for you; best wishes to you both.

 

Yes, I agree that this very much sounds like topping from the bottom.

You can put child proof software on his computer or laptop. On his phone you can create another account on the phone with restrictions and child proof it as well. The main account you need to keep the PIN private and all that.

As to the topping from the bottom, the thing that works for me is for him to carry a pacifier 24/7. As soon as he attempts to try and top, stick the pacifier in. He has to carry it, and it must always be in him and available. He is in charge of keeping it clean and ready for his mouth. It is his decision when he wants it in his mouth as he asking for it whenever he speaks on a subject he knows will receive the punishment. So, even in public it would be his choice. LOL.

I agree on the longer periods of chastity as well. Though I do like the idea of keeping his hands and mind busy thinking of me, so I have hubby write lines. I absolutely adore having completed 500 page spirals of written lines just for me. Hubby must complete an entire spiral for a chance at an orgasm. Surfing the net, and talking with strangers, or even watching sports just prolongs his wait. He just loves his new hobby of writing lines. I even allow him to take his spiral to work so he can spend his time at lunch. He is so proud to show his progress.

It is very easy on your part as you just assign the line to write a d he spends the next 90-120 or more days completing the task. Of course, chores or taking me out to dinner is a higher priority than his little hobby. Lol

Good luck.

 

I would say there is most definitely a D/s relationship here. There is most definitely someone in charge and calling all the shots. Unfortunately you are not the one doing so and are the s in D/s.

He’s getting everything he wants in sexual activity, and you are willingly giving it to him. Which isn’t a bad thing at face value unless you actually want a semblance of control.

I am no keyholder or a wife, but I know what I would do. I wouldn’t be angry or upset, I would calmly sit down and discuss how you would like to move forward. Exactly. If he is unwilling to comply, simply say we are done with all of this and it’s time we see a counselor to mend some of the trust issues. No middle ground, it all stops, or it you do it my way. He certainly has had his way for awhile and you complied and placated him. This is it, these are the rules and what I expect.

Normally I wouldn’t suggest a piercing to help control someone, but if touching without you happens, and he is selfish enough to do it in your presence, I would have no problem demanding he get one if he wants to continue as your submissive.

I am sorry for the work you are doing to make this work, but in my opinion, punishments and playful chastity sentences are not working and he is using you. I think it’s time he found out how th s in a D/s relationship is supposed to behave...or go to counseling to repair some of the damage he created.

 

Punishment only works if that's truly what it is. It becomes punishment when it is truly something he doesn't want to revisit anytime soon. It needs to become distasteful, providing serious discomfort and and be a constant daily reminder of how not to behave. Perhaps you are in a situation that has moved beyond punishment and should consider counseling and other alternatives. Hoping for you both to have the best possible outcome.

 

I advocate strict discipline because porn and messaging other people are bordering on infidelity. He needs a radical change to make it clear he has broken your trust and shown that you are nothing but a toy to him.

In all honesty, I probably would kick someone like that out of my life. But if you love him and want to give him another chance to redeem himself, I know what my plan would be. PA, stainless cage, one year of strict chastity with no being unlocked for any reason other than emergencies or occasional supervised washing. Additionally, all of the above phone and computer filtering programs.

I had a problem with my wife when we started getting into longer term chastity. She had fantasies of not just long lockups for me, but she wanted me to be pleasant and wonderful to an unrealistic degree. She wanted me to be a perfect gentleman and so wonderful while also being chaste for her. I also had a really hard time dealing with her inconsistency with sex. She would go several weeks not wanting to do anything at all, and I was horny and frustrated with no outlet, not even the pleasure of playing with her. I had a hard time adjusting to long term chastity and some days were tough and my attitude showed how I felt. I hate to admit it, but I could get kind of bitchy and irritable.

She kept getting upset that I had bad days. I finally had to have a hard conversation with her about how I felt and what was realistic. I was willing to be her chaste play toy, but she had to cut me some slack on my hard days. Sometimes a bad day happens and I know when I am being shitty about it. But I need those days to let out my frustration. Making her fantasy a reality can be tough sometimes.

In the same way, you know what it is like to play the supporting role in someone else’s fantasy. He is off in his own little fantasy world thinking all is wonderful, and you’re left being the fantasy and having your needs and expectations ignored. He’s pleasuring himself to fantasies of threesomes and whatnot, and you just want a man who will focus on you and love you exclusively.

He needs to know that your needs must be met or the relationship can’t work. He can’t seem to meet your needs by his own initiative, so I would give him the option of following all of the above conditions or losing you. He can spend a year dedicated entirely to learning how to be a real man that cares about and meets the need of his partner, or he can get out.

Love is a two way commitment. We had a pretty awful sex life before chastity and we both knew it. When we first started and I could see how much my wife loved it, I knew she deserved it. But being in the passenger seat of her fantasy has been a hard road at times for me, and having her expectations broken several times has been hard for her.

He needs to show focused commitment to your needs and desires for the relationship. Once I started expressing my frustrations with being my wife’s toy, things started getting better. She started playing with me more and building the emotional connection I needed. She started meeting my needs, and since I felt better about being her toy I had a lot fewer bad days and we both felt better.

 

Seriously, talk about "strict discipline" or PAs is completely out of the question.

You have a situation here that is outside all normal kink. You have someone who is taking advantage of you. Pure and simple. So stupid advice about discipline is irrelevant. And crap about showing commitment to your needs is just talk.

I hope you're already taking @Breathe up on her offer to talk to you in private. If you aren't, I genuinely recommend you do. You need an experienced woman to guide you through this.

Best of luck to you both.

 

Some good advice here. Another suggestion is to get him to find a hobby, or encourage him to spend more time on existing hobbies. This will mean he has less time for him to waste on porn, etc. I managed to massively reduce my porn intake through having more of sexual needs met through my wife (which took many years of communication), chastity/teasing (no cage), self control (that took a while too), and making more productive use of my spare time. Good luck!

 

I was that man you are describing. It took me wanting to change to see the beautiful women right in front of me. Seeing how willing she was to be part of me was impossible until I gave up porn in its entirety. Until he wants to change there is nothing you can do. Keep you head up and please take up the offer from Breathe.

 

If your husband has an account here ask him to pm me. I would be willing to talk with him in private about my journey. And maybe offer him some insight about how amazing it can be when done together.

 

Hi @MadamBelle

I have read your previous posts and know you have been struggling with things for a while now. Sorry to hear that things are still not going great. Like others here, I had hoped things would get better for you and @Madamebellestoy


All sorts of things have been going through my head after reading your post in this thread. Hopefully some of this might be relevant and even vaguely useful:

• It seems like his viewing porn is leading to him having unrealistic fantasies, which he expects you to indulge him in. This is not doing you guys any good. I think him watching porn, getting you to watch porn about his fantasies and him talking about his fantasies all need to stop.

• Maybe there are some of his fantasies that you might be interested in. But clearly there are some that you are definitely not interested in. You may have had this discussion before, but there needs to be a clear understanding of what is in the realm of the possible and what is totally off the table.

• I would be inclined to let him know that you won’t be indulging in any of his fantasies until he stops the porn and clearly respects the limits on what fantasies are ok and what are not for further consideration, including pestering you about his fantasies. Also, I think you need to make it clear that you will only act on any acceptable fantasies if/when/how you feel like it.

• I wonder what Toy really means when he says he wants you to be more dominant. Does he truly want you to be dominant and let you control the when/where/how of sexy play? Or does Toy only want you to be dominant in a scene, being sure you do it the way the female in the porn video does it? And then after ‘the scene’’ you both go back to ''normal''. I am suspecting the latter, but I could well be wrong. If this is the case, it would be Toy wanting you to being dominant in ''role play'' only. But I think this is something that you need to clarify so that you are both on the same page – whatever page that might be. If Toy truly wants you to be dominant he need to walk the walk, not just talk the talk.

• I assume here you are talking about physical punishment (paddling, etc). Obviously, if he likes that it won’t be punishment. But there are other ways. Writing pages and pages of lines, as @JBFletcher suggests, might not be something he loves, and therefore could be useful. I’m sure other keyholders out there have heaps of other suggestions. But it has to be something he doesn’t like. And if he doesn’t comply – maybe there needs to be longer stretches without him bugging you for sex.

Ultimately, if you guys are going to have a fulfilling relationship over the long haul, you both need to be happy. There needs to be a genuine meeting of the minds.


I wish you both good luck. And if you want to shoot the breeze, or let off steam, in a confidential environment, I am happy for you to shoot me a PM.

And, @MadamBelle, please take up @Breathe's offer - she is the real deal, and I am sure she will have some thoughts from her experiences. Whether or not her thoughts fit your circumstances only time will tell. But she is there for you.

 

@Allen1987 well said.

 

This whole situation reminds me somewhat of BK and Gigaman, where the guys want to live in the kink and not in the real relationship with a real woman. The same advice applies in both cases: get real or just stop.

 

Thanks for coming here. I am sorry you are going through these turbulent times but I am sure things will get better for you.

I agree with @MistressJules take a deep breath and think what you want. Stop playing his games if he is not playing by the rules. I also agree with @Breathe @JiL and @Nicoftime that Counseling can be very helpful. I have been myself and can only recommend it.

Also as a recovering porn addict I want to make sure that Porn Addiction is understood and want to leave this great video from Gary Wilson on the Brain on Porn.



PMO (Porn Masturbation & Orgasm) is a real addiction and addictions can only been fought when the addicted person really wants to. For this it is necessary that the addict realizes that it is bad for him. Gary has a Website on which he lists Studies and Clinical Reports: https://yourbrainonporn.com

Good luck and a big hug.

 

How pertinent, informative, and interesting. Thank you.

 

As a guy whose wife frequently plays the “I’m too tired” game and then bitches that I give my attention to other things like work or hobbies when she’s not wanting to be bothered, I get where you’re husband was coming from. You can’t have it both ways. I am strictly forbidden from masturbating and have never enjoyed porn, but I direct my attention to other things that my wife doesn’t enjoy with me when I can’t get her attention.

When a man finds time and time again that his wife is not available, he stops wasting his time on her and finds other things to occupy himself. My wife and I have had this fight, too. Still do sometimes. It never seems to get resolved. I have told her many times that if she doesn’t want me laying in bed for two hours on Facebook by myself, she should come join me in the bedroom and spend time with me. But, she would rather sit in the living room on the computer watching stupid YouTube videos about tiny homes and minimalist living (two topics I absolutely hate and share no interest at all with her).