New and need help for sub who is not submissive by nature.

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Queen88, Nov 28, 2021.

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  1. Queen88
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    Queen88 New member

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    My fiance and I are a year into an FLR. He introduced me to this wonderful world but we have been struggling since day 1. We are very sexually compatible, but seem to struggle with power/control outside of the bedroom. We are a blended family of 10 kids, we are both very involved parents and we both have previous partners who hurt us- so we are often guarded.
    We both want an FLR but he is not submissive by nature. He is to be caged 24/7 but when we get into an argument he often takes his device off. He also struggles with not being in control. I desperately want this FLR to work. But I also feel like I am forcing him to be someone that he really isn't. How can I fix this? How am I supposed to be in charge of everyday life when issues lead to arguements-resulting in him taking his cage off? Please help.
     
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  2. BlokeDenied
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    BlokeDenied Active member

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    Wow. Tough gig. I can't speak from experience, but all I can say is communicate often. Maybe try to find a solution to the arguments...reducing the frequency? I'm sure you get little quality 1:1 time, especially without little ears around...can you schedule in regular (daily?) general check-ins at the most optimal time...for each to say what's in their mind with the other listening. Maybe stemming the arguments will help him to maintain better behavior and focus in the chastity dept?

    Just in general, over the years, my wife and I have got a lot closer together just through talking often. Sometimes she assumes something, sometimes I assume something...when we talk we find out our assumptions of the other are often wrong.

    And, this might not lead to a positive outcome, but you could call his bluff on it? Let him go without, refuse to lock him back up...it will be up to him to come around...but I don't know.
     
  3. Shimone
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    Shimone Long term member

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    Communication is key, but in my opinion a FLR is not for everyone. If he is not generally submissive (towards you) there is a great chance it will not work. It is one thing to do some kind of roleplay in bed, but another entirely to accept most decisions in your life are made by someone else...
     
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  4. jemima
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    jemima maid for my Mistress

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    please Miss i dont think you can if the man can keep take his cage off. please as he got the key to it or can he just break it off him.
     
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  5. Charles3451
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    Charles3451 Long term member

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    Maybe try to have alternate nights when in one he is the submissive and on no2 you are?
     
  6. Open2njoy
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    Open2njoy Long term member

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    I think you both need to mutually assess how serious he is about being in an FLR. He should understand that the cage comes off only when you approve and not because he didn’t get his way. You both need to communicate in and out of the bedroom.
     
  7. Hubby&Missy
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    Hubby&Missy Love keeps us together

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    The two of you need to have a serious talk. It may be that there are just some areas he is not willing to give up complete control and needs to be an equal partner in those areas and other areas he wants you to take charge. You nave to determine if there is an "FLR" that works for both of you. As Shimone said, FLR is not for everyone and you may have to look at it as a "play aspect" in your relationship to spice things up rather than a lifestyle. Good luck finding your sweet spot.
     
  8. billzboats
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    billzboats 63rd birthday

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    Go slow .
     
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  9. nothing1010
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    nothing1010 New member

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    How is he able to remove the cage if you have the keys?
     
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  10. MistressAMA
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    Verified Female

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    Embrace the fun. Don't push it, slow, fun, communicate, and find the joy.
     
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  11. bsteve
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    bsteve Junior Member

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    FLR is tough under even the best circumstances, but it must be many times tougher when there are so many family obligations.

    Firstly, what you are experiencing with difficulty the FLR is common in many FLR marriages. FLR is not something that just appears when the two of you agree. It is very difficult to get it right so that both of you are happy (or simply satisfied) with it.

    Secondly, he is very lucky to have someone like you. Someone who cares to make the FLR work. As you read postings in this board, it is generally the woman who is the reluctant partner.

    I agree with other posters, but let me chime in with a few more points.

    The biggest problem that I see is not that he takes his cage off. Chastity and sexual control is not the important part of FLR. The bigger problem is that he gets into arguments with you that are serious enough for him to take such drastic steps.

    One of the biggest advantages of FLR is that there are no fights or arguments. t least they are fewer and less severe. Getting to argue less would help the situation tremendously.

    My recommendation would be to pull back from FLR, establish boundaries of what both of you would be willing to do, and go from there. Maybe just start with the bedroom stuff first. Then, you may start ordering him, and holding him accountable to do the stuff that he already does, say, lawn mowing. Make sure that he does it to your standards. Hey, you missed a spot; hey, you did not clean to the mower properly, etc. Then you may want to give him an occasional chore to do when you are overwhelmed with it. I am overwhelmed with my household chores, I need you to vacuum this one time. Then, turn some of your chores to him,,and hold him accountable.

    There will be many successes and failures along the way. 2 steps forward, one step back. That is just the nature of getting this right.

    Finally, it will take time. Months, years. It is a marathon, not a sprint.

    Good luck!
     
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  12. Jail Bird
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    Jail Bird Long term member

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    This is not uncommon in FLR/WLM's. It's hard to maintain the rules sometimes. Him having a key to remove his device is not a good thing. FLR are based on the D/s lifestyle. First rule is to not allow his device to be removed unless you remove it.
    Talking is very important. Setting rules he needs to live by is another. I think we all get frustrated at times (I know I do) but I wear a device for a reason. It's not a game you play when the mood hits you. I asked my wife (begged) her to lead. It's difficult at times but so good for me and our marriage.


    The first time he gets pissy and can't remove his device is when the FLR kicks in. You're the Dominate, he's the submissive.

    This is just my humble opinion.
     
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  13. Turma
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    Turma Long term member

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    Rules all about rules!

    My wife also has to fight with me and therefore I can say from experience: Make the rule, discuss and then follow through, with all the trimmings. If he dances out of line, punishment, he does it well, reward.


    That's why I can only get along with women/keyholders who are strict and also apply the necessary pressure when you want something. That will be the same with your husband.
    It is like educating a dog only a strict and loving hand brings out the real "guy".
     
  14. tame tiger
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    tame tiger New member

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    I only have very minor experiance in this lifestyle but i had a similar problem of taking the cage off when I felt like it. What worked for us is when she told me if I take it off she wont put it back on and the game is over. If he really wants this he wont do it again
     
  15. DonnaSue
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    DonnaSue Long term member

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    I agree with @MistressAMA. An FLR should be an objective to be achieved through a long time and great communications. From the sounds of it, if he is able to unlock himself without your consent, then you two are obviously not communicating well enough, IMHO.
     
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  16. subhubandy
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    subhubandy Active member

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    You have many obstacles in front of you but you are still ahead of many. Most come to kinks after years of marriage and you two are there before the wedding, so congrats. With ten kids around I would be hesitant to try 24/7 FLR. As others have said, start slow, focus on communication and consistantsy. I am excited you can include FLR into your wedding plans... maybe this wedding won't be consummated for days, weeks or even months.
     
  17. Mistress-M
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    This sounds like a really tough situation and I feel for you. The only advice I can give is that communication is key. I now have my LB/Husband caged 24/7, having let the last key go attached to a helium balloon! It’s been quite the journey to get to this place and has at times bought up insecurities in both of us, especially to do with past relationships etc. we are also a blended family, so I do understand.
    However at each stage we always check in with each other and see what feels right and what doesn’t. If an insecurity does arise, or something feels wrong, we talk about it openly and honestly and either decide to try it, bin it or put it on a shelf for another day.
    Nothing about this lifestyle can be forced and I’m my experience it all takes time and comes with baby steps. We started not being able to go a few days without me unlocking him. We also had the same problem in the beginning, that when we argued we both felt insecure so he would take his cage off. We are now at a point where honestly we just don’t argue at all anymore as we have become so fully honest and open with each other that there is no need to argue, just talk things through.
    So ultimately my advice is talk all this through with him openly and honestly and if he decides being a sub isn’t for him then you need to respect that and find some common ground that you both enjoy.
    I hope this helps a little and I truly hope that you can work through this and enjoy a wonderful, crazy, fun and open sex life together. Xxx
     
  18. BlokeDenied
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    BlokeDenied Active member

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    I find this helpful too!
     
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  19. billzboats
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    billzboats 63rd birthday

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    Sweet person!
     
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  20. HerLittleBitch
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    HerLittleBitch Under the spell of my loving @Mistress-M

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    I agree with my @Mistress-M of course. For me, I'm not submissive in "real" life, and we make decisions together about day-to-day life, so we're not in a classic FLR. However, we do talk through everything and communication is definitely key.

    In the beginning, if we argued, I would want to remove the cage. This was because arguing is NOT sexy at all, and I would feel awkward wearing it. It has nothing to do with the power dynamic - I just felt embarrassed wearing it when I felt the very opposite of turned on.

    Now things are different - as M said, we rarely argue and generally talk things through instead. If you both want to get there take time, and enjoy the journey keeping everything open, loving, and honest :)
     
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  21. Mistress-M
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    Verified Female

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    Well said LB xx
     
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  22. bsteve
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    bsteve Junior Member

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    The problem in OP's case of that unlike you, the husband is not submissive, and it is likely that instead of getting into the subspace like most men on this website, he'll resent it, and will make the situation worse.

    Forcing chastity or submission onto a partner without the partner's consent is a not a recipe for success, despite our dreams about it.
     
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  23. bsteve
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    bsteve Junior Member

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    I agree. With regards "strictness", it means consistency. It is does not necessarily mean setting high standards for him, or harsh punishment. Do not accept any excuses or let him slack off.
     
  24. Headtrip
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    Headtrip Long term member

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    Pretty sure I have walked in your husbands shoes. My Queen has always listened and always made it fun for me/us. Creative denial. Teaching me to find joy in her orgasms. Etc. Lots of edging, quite a few ruineds, letting me know how hot this made her. In hindsight, she took it painfully slow, but less than 3 years later has me very well "hooked". I had zero desire to be submissive yet now I crave her orgasms more than my own (this still drives me insane).

    It CAN be done!
     
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