mikecb's journey

Discussion in 'Journals and blogs' started by mikecb, Jun 17, 2008.

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  1. mikecb
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    mikecb Long term member

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    Heh. Ya, I wish I could say my pain craving has gone away. I'm somewhat obsessed with it at the moment. I may have to talk to the Mrs about a "Spa Day" with our friendly pro-domme.

    I even considered going to the Gathering, but unfortunately we're already booked on flights to go to Atlanta for a conference that weekend. :-(

    mike
     
  2. mikecb
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    mikecb Long term member

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    Hi gang,

    Still not much chastity-related going on here. My keloid is finally healed up on my PA. Unfortunately, unless I shorten the tube on the CB3k, I imagine it's just going to happen all over again. I've been busy with a zillion domestic projects before the weather goes to hell, so I haven't had time to mess with the CB.

    I'm nearing the two month mark for self-imposed chastity. I've tied my duration to some weight loss goals. The good news is I've lost about 7 pounds. The bad news is that I'm behind schedule, and have more to go. lol. So, no :jerkit: for me for a while!

    I've got a new story to contribute to the Member Fiction section brewing. I should have something up there in the next few days.

    I hope everyone's well!
    mikecb
     
  3. Rachel
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    Rachel Owned by Mistress Michelle

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    Mike have you ever thought of using something a little more flexible so it can go up inside the tube when your penis retracts. A piece of 50 lb monofiliment fishing line may work. All it really needs to do is stop you from pulling out the back of your device. They even make steel fishing leaders which may work but i am not sure how flexible they are. Just leave it long enough to reach to the back of the tube. That way it won't put any pressure on your piercing.

    i don't have a piercing so i got a piece of plastic string at a craft store. i made it long enough so i can just get my penis out the back. Wish is great for washing, by the way. What i do is take a piece about 17 inches long. Take the two ends put them in a copper electrical splice cap and smash it holding the two ends in. Then make a ravens knot and put it around my penis just behind the head. Run it out the front of the 3k and up to the lock. The great thing about the ravens knot is the more you pull on it the tighter it gets but as soon as you leave the pressure off it loosens up again. Thusly if you try to pull out you can't. i have been wearing this for about 1 1/2 years and it only made me sore once when some of my skin got caught in the knot and rubbed me a little. The good thing about the plastic string is it has enough memory to it to loosen when pressure is released. i am sure some 50 mono would do the same but with your piercing this wouldn't be a problem for you. When i shower i can pull my penis out the back right to the very end of the 3k allowing me to wash very well both myself and the 3k. i then get out of the shower dry everything with a blow dryer put some lube on and reinsert myself.

    rachel
     
  4. mikecb
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    mikecb Long term member

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    rachel,

    I'm impressed you have luck with the plastic string! I tried several different ways to do just exactly what you're doing. In every case, it would chaff my penis badly after 2-3 days and I'd have to remove it.

    Regarding using string or something with my piercing to allow my penis to retract - the problem there is that if my jewelry backs too far into the cage, it can fold over and get bound up. If I subsequently suffer an erection, I really do SUFFER, if you know what I mean! lol. Also, I confess to liking the hasp of the lock passing through the metal of the piercing. It just adds a bit to the illusion of inescapability.

    I think the best solution is a shorter cage - by about 1/2 inch. The cb6ks would do, probably, but I honestly would rather not spend any more money on the CBxxxx line. I know some people have cut down their cb3ks and reglued them. I'll probably try that when I have some time to putter.

    mikecb
     
  5. mikecb
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    mikecb Long term member

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    Wow,

    I find it astonishing that I've had so little to say here lately, though I've been reading the mansion avidly. I'm thrilled we have such a sudden influx of Mistresses and Goddesses adding a bit more female energy to the Mansion. They all seem wonderful and lots of fun!

    I'm horribly jealous of all the folks who got to go to The Gathering. My wife had a conference to attend in Atlanta over the same weekend, so I didn't even bother broaching the idea of attending the gathering with her. I went with her to Atlanta, and played the part of the Conference Widow while she did her thing there. The funny part about it was that on the trip home, our flight from Atlanta->Philly was overbooked. I wanted to get home, but my Wife was game to take a $300 voucher from USAir to step aside and take a later flight. We did that. So, I kissed her goodbye in Atlanta, and hopped on the earlier flight for home. 10 minutes into the flight, we had engine trouble and had to divert to a small airport in North Carolina. That began a day-long adventure with tons of delays. They ended up busing us all to Charlotte. By the time we got there, most flights to Philly were sold out. USAir ended up putting me up for the night in a fleabag hotel in Charlotte, and flying me home Monday. Meanwhile, my wife tucked her $300 voucher in her pocket, and comfortably made all the flights home. She's been teasing me big time "You should have taken the deal, too!!!! That's what you get for abandoning your poor helpless wife in Atlanta!... yada, yada" lol

    So, there I was, alone and bored in Charlotte on Sunday night, knowing the Gathering was winding down, not far away. Hell, MW may even have been in the airport at the same time I was, as she journeyed to Texas. It sucked that I had no way of getting in touch to find out.

    Meanwhile, not much happening on the chastity front, here. I'm not wearing my CB3k because it pulls on my PA piercing too much. I need to make time to try and modify it. I've just been insanely busy. I'm still in a self-imposed "honor system" lockdown at the moment. I have some weight loss goals I want to achieve, and I'm behind on them. I figured chastity play is a good incentive! lol

    I've been following some events in FetLife that are coming up. There's a fetish party at a local bar that I may attend. The "Mundanes" just treat it as dress-up night, though the true BDSM folks out here in the corn fields of New York State also show up. I may try to talk my wife into going to that. I'm also intrigued by a CBT workshop for Dommes that is being held up in Ottawa. Some BDSM friends live there that we might crash with. I'd LOVE to talk my Wife into attending, and be one of the practice dummies. I get all hot and bothered just thinking about it! hehe

    Ahh well, I should get rolling. I'm heading to the ancestral homelands today to visit my Dad in the Nursing home. He's not doing so well.

    Have a great day, everyone! :)
    mikecb
     
  6. mikecb
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    mikecb Long term member

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    Ugh, it's been a month since I blogged. Time gets away.

    Well, I've been watching some chat in some Fetlife groups for my local area. I've been seriously tempted to attend a local munch. Well, just about the time I had myself talked into it, I inadvertently discovered that one of the people who attends the munch is someone I'm not terribly comfortable outing myself to. ugh. Even if I could talk myself into going anyway, I suspect my wife would be VERY reluctant knowing that person was there. Groan. This is one of the downsides of being in a small town.

    To further brighten my mood, my wife had her annual OB/GYN visit a while back. She seemed relieved as she explained to me after the visit that she had a conversation with her doctor about her lack of libido. She came away from the visit feeling more assured that a lack of libido around age 50 was not at all uncommon. My wife tried to share her relief with me.

    You can imagine how thrilled I was to know that my wife was no longer concerned about being interested in sex barely three times a year. Ugh. On the one hand, I don't want her to feel guilty or pressured because of the way her body works. I have no interest in sex that isn't mutually enjoyable.. I'm not a rapist. Still, I'm a sexual being married to someone who has basically accepted that she's "done" with all that. I'm also rather old fashioned and have difficulty imagining sex outside my marriage. I couldn't cheat, and frankly probably couldn't enjoy it, even if she encouraged me. Am I condemned to a sexless marriage?

    Perhaps I put on my "grumpy pants" this morning... sigh
     
  7. Dumb1
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    Dumb1 senior member

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    i thought the grumpy pants were quite fetching on you mike! LOL ....oh well never mind cant be too many years to go now can it? you never know you may come back as a ram in the next life.:anim_39:
     
  8. xcitex2
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    xcitex2 Back from the past!

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    Hey Mike welcome back to the forums. I do hope your dad is doing better since the last time you posted.

    I love your comments about not being a rapist and all. I so know exactly what you mean and how you feel. I went through the same thing with my ex-wife. Almost 9 months with no sex at all was just plain crap. You can imagine my distain when I found out she later had an affair. I obviously realize our situations are entirely different but at any rate I guess what I am saying is I respect the way you stand by your wife!
     
  9. Respectful
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    Respectful Chaste by choice

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    Hey Grumpy, it's great to see you dropping in on yourself to give us your sad but true from one point of view Vault entry perspective.

    Gee, I am so sad that your wife has adapted to no sex so well. That sucks!Oh well for now! :sign0011:

    Still, your previous chastity training may be a good background for how your real life is right now.

    Respectful :cat:
     
  10. mikecb
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    mikecb Long term member

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    Heh, thanks for making me giggle. Also thanks for stopping by, stroppy and xcitex.

    It's been a rough week at work. I'm Oncall, and it's the week from hell. The longest contiguous stint of sleep I've had in the last 3 days has been 3 hours. I'm getting call after call about server problems. That certainly hasn't helped my mood any.

    My wife and I are actually in a relatively cordial and loving (albeit sexless) place right now. It's not all bad, just frustrating at times.

    I'm so totally thrilled to see all the activity in the Mansion and all the new faces. It's awesome!

    I think I'm gonna tell my wife I want a session with our Pro Domme friend for Christmas. I need it bad! lol

    Be well everyone, and Happy Holidays!
    mikecb
     
  11. madamsboy
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    madamsboy Looking for a special female

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    ah, the sexless marriage. I remember my friends father complaining about that to me last year. Sometimes we just have to suck it up because we love the other person. Isn't that why we all know Rosy Palm and her 5 sisters?
     
  12. mikecb
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    mikecb Long term member

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    lol.. naughty naughty!
     
  13. lauren1fem
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    lauren1fem Gurl

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    shameful yes, but I like it too.

    naughty, but nice!
     
  14. chastityslavejohn
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    chastityslavejohn Mistress Irianna's pet

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    a sexless marriage was one of the reasons i left my ex. i would masturbate once or twice a day...mostly to Femdom stories. now i'm in a Femdom relationship and i wouldn't have it any other way.
     
  15. xcitex2
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    xcitex2 Back from the past!

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    John I can't speak for Mike here but I think the situation for him is slightly different. I too would have huge issues with a sexless marriage if it was not related to anything medical or physcological.

    I guess in those cases of Rosy Palmer it is time to invest in some extra baby oil. LOL
     
  16. Respectful
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    Respectful Chaste by choice

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    Sexy gloves may work too. Oh, sorry, am I interupting something Mike?
     
  17. mikecb
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    mikecb Long term member

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    No problem, Respectful, I can type one-handedddddddddd..ahh ahhh ahhh.....

    :innocent0003:

    mikecb
     
  18. Respectful
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    Respectful Chaste by choice

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    Someone seems to have lost the other's attention... or did you just crack one off Mike? Oh my, do tell Miss D! ROFLMAO

    Oh, and I read 'somewhere' that putting lipstick on a lacey glove can be extra fun!

    Sorry for the hijack, but I imagine you feel mellow for the moment, if not comatose.
     
  19. mikecb
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    mikecb Long term member

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    Malaise

    I'm a goal-setting kind of guy. Around this time of year I can't help but think of goals or things I want to work on in the coming year. For some of my chastity games, it's also a time when I sometimes set myself challenges for the coming year.

    This year, I got nuthin'.

    Though I'm (as always) horny as hell, I just don't know what to do. My sex life is at an all time low. My wife is having more emotional problems than ever, in part due to her Aspergers Syndrome. It makes conversations about sex something I just don't even want to approach. For the second time, now, she has gotten medication from her OB/GYN to try and assist with her libido, and she's not using it. She was planning to begin using it for the Holiday break, perhaps hoping to get some spark going during our vacation. Then she discovered that the medicine came as a vaginal suppository. She pulled out the (quite lengthy) instruction sheet, and seemed totally intimidated. She hasn't tried using it. She's so emotionally fragile about the whole issue, I don't know if I should offer to help, or leave it to her. Sometimes talking about it is the right thing, other times it's a disaster. Our sex life is truly a mine field. I find it exhausting that the whole situation is so high maintenance. I'm totally disheartened to the point of apathy, which isn't helping.

    At the same time, my pent up desire for pain play is getting downright distracting. I WILL talk to her about a "Spa day" for me some time soon. I've been deferring it for a while, since she's been an emotional basket case, but it doesn't seem like it's going to get better. I'M going to be a basket case if I don't get SOMETHING I need soon.

    Meanwhile, I haven't been comfortable spending the money on the welding equipment I'd need to make my own chastity device, and I'm tired of spending money on devices that don't work. So even THAT outlet is not available at this point.

    I don't know if my Wife and I will last. It's been difficult for me to come to this point. I'm an old school baby boomer. I wouldn't leave her over our non-existent sex life. I married the whole woman, not just the pussy, but there are other issues too. Some are getting to the point that my patience is reaching its end... and that's saying something.

    So what are my New Years goals? I'm devastated to think that "divorce" might be one of them. It's becoming apparent that neither I nor Therapy can help my Wife. Perhaps Therapy for me? I don't know. All I know is that I don't want another year of the same.

    Sorry to be a downer, but I needed to get this off my chest.
     
  20. Mistress Michelle
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    Mistress Michelle Magical Mistress

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    Mike,
    I dont know what all the issues are going on here but I do feel for you when reading this last entry of yours. I am sure this is weighing very heavily on you and I hope you know everyone here will always support any decisions you make. You made a comment that I found interesting, that you would sometimes talk with your wife but you never knew if it would be good or turn into another disaster. I really dont think if you even have the word divorce in your mind that talking could make things any worse. And, she may very well appreciate your help and understanding with this new medication. Maybe she wont but at least you can say you tried. Does she happen to know how bad this has really gotten? I ask, because for some reason men seem to think that we can read thier minds, and half the time we have no idea what is really going on.
    Also, I have always heard people telling others, If your spouse wont go to counseling go alone it will help. Not sure I ever understood why, seems to Me the two would have to go together but I suppose anything is worth a shot. You have always been, from what I see, a very patient understanding man, but if things are getting this bad I would say you definatly need some outside help.
    And dont feel bad about needing to express yourself in needing some pain play, everyone that has had that desire, and has been there, knows you cannot just walk away from that. Its something that is part of you and needs to be released.
    At any rate, you know we are all here to support you. Take care,
    Mistress Michelle
     
  21. Mistress Watchful
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    Mistress Watchful Dont believe the hype ;oP

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    I couldn't have said it any better... I agree with everything that Ms Michelle has to say.

    If you truly believe that you are at make-or-break point, then what do you have to lose by offering help? Do what your gut instinct tells you, and if it doesn't work at least you will have peace of mind that you were true to your heart.

    We are all here for you, and please rant away. It has always helped me to put things in black and white.

    Good luck, and hugs.
     
  22. xcitex2
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    xcitex2 Back from the past!

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    Mike these two ladies are spot on. Please know my heart goes out for you as well. I truly honor your ways and your thought processes. I have come to appreciate your commitment to your wife, especially during those times when it seems it may or may not have been reciprocated. I will say this though, please with everything you have done, know that I and many here would probably not criticize you for thinking divorce. As ugly as a word as that is perhaps it is a word that needs said. As Mistress Michelle stated sometimes we like to "save" our partners feelings by not just putting things out there the way we are thinking about them. Regardless of what you decided my best wishes are with you my friend.
     
  23. lauren1fem
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    lauren1fem Gurl

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    Mike,
    We're here for you. I've a lot of experience with AS folks (wife, co-workers, family) and autism in general. Each person is unique and autism is no different. I know that when you make a decision it will be well thought out and that you've considered all points of view. If you need ours, please just ask.

    Good luck with your new year.

    -Lauren
     
  24. mikecb
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    mikecb Long term member

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    Thanks, everyone, for the supporting comments. It's nice to have a place I can come and let loose every once in a while. In my marriage, I'm called upon to be the emotionally stable one, 24/7. After 20 years, it gets a little taxing! lol. You have no idea how therapeutic it was to get that off my chest this morning!

    I have to say that something resonated in Mistress Michelle's comment discounting the notion that "if you even have the word divorce in your mind that talking could make things any worse". That's so true. Part of the problem is the emotional mine field these kinds of conversations inevitably bring, and part of it is my extreme distaste for arguing. Some people live for it. I'm not one of 'em! lol It turns out I'm very trainable. My wife seems to have an emotional blowout nearly every time I talk to her about anything serious. So, I learned. I learned not to talk to her about anything serious. That's become a real problem in my marriage. However, as MM points out, if the alternative is divorce, perhaps it's time to take up arguing and emotional blowouts as a hobby for a while.

    Regarding Therapy, it's been on my mind a lot lately. My wife goes to therapy about monthly, and I go with her. She spends an hour chit-chatting with the therapist, but not making much headway. She also has anger issues, and she's been through several therapists because she got pissed at them and stopped going when they pushed her even a little. We've been with this therapist for a few years now. He's helped in some small ways, but not much is going on. I'm considering going to therapy with him, myself, just to have an ear to bend and to get his opinions on how I should work through my own growing frustrations. I wouldn't hesitate to do that, except for the fact that my Wife will probably have an EXTREME reaction of insecurity if I reveal the fact that I'm having this much trouble. As I said, I'm the one in the relationship that really has to be stable 24/7. She doesn't have much depth there. When I'm hurting, she becomes very empathetic, and multiplies it by 10. I may well have to have a few conversations with the therapist on the sly to start, until we figure out how to proceed.

    Anyway, aside from all this nonsense, I had a very pleasant day actually. I'm off work all this week. My wife had a lot of things to do this afternoon, so I hung around home and played WoW online with some friends. Later, we went to Red Lobster for dinner, and to see "Blind Side" at the movies. She then came home and looked through some of her piles of stuff for a few things she's wanted to find (that she was getting increasingly agitated that she couldn't!). She managed to find her things, which put her in a good mood. As she was heading to bed tonight she said "I put my pill in!" with a grin. I guess she worked up the courage to try out the medication for her libido. I, of course, encouraged her ... "If you need me in the night, just take me!" I tucked her into bed with a giggle. So, It's not ALL horrible. :)
     
  25. Mistress Watchful
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    Mistress Watchful Dont believe the hype ;oP

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    I'm glad things are going a small way in the right direction. Hate to be cliche but all long journeys start with a single step.

    It must be hard though, not know which way a day (or night) is going to go, thinking you are making headway and then going back 3 or 4 paces.

    Huge Hugs from the UK, I wish we were closer and could share a beer or something and chat WoW and chill for a bit.
     
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