Getting started without my wife knowing [ ...she knows now! ]

@ all of you. Thank you SOOOO MUCH for the honest and very personal messages. I really, really appreciate it.
I (re)started crossdressing 6+ months ago after a 6 year long break of suppressing feelings and needs (due to an "extreme survival" mode we were forced into). In the past 6 months went online as Katy in many sites and I started to meet the most wonderful people ever. Strong friendships developed and more are developing. And, again, I can't believe I find such a great feedback here as well. Thank you all. Really!


Now, the personal answers:

@loyalhack yes, it's a bit of a shock. Two days further and things are developing in a positive way. I don't know where this will lead, but it already feels good. I have zero expectations. I have been reading TONS of experiences of CDs telling their wifes. Many of them very selfish, wanting/pushing their wives to accept it and/or to agree with them walking around in drag at home or doing kinky sex games. I realized, If I should ever tell her something, it would be with ZERO pressure. Right after I told her about my CD, I immediately said: "I don't expect you to like it, I don't expect you to be involved, I don't expect you to do anything, not even see me if you don't want to. Now you know about my CD, and if you say next week that you would like to play makeup with me, of course I would love to. If you never come back on the subject I will accept it as well. Never feel pressure on this or any other subject". She said that she was really relieved to hear that. I could also clearly see and hear how good she felt about having zero pressure on the subject.

@Jasmic68 thanks for the song!! Loved it!! It arrived 27 years late though! LOL!
You seem to be very lucky to be able to lead the lifestyle you live. I'm happy for you.

@Caged Wolf Our relationship is still good, but severely damaged due to circumstances. We both know it was not our fault and don't blame each other for what happened to us. That's great, but still a Grand Canyon developed between us. Our hearts are broken and frozen. I'm looking for a way to save the marriage and reignite the fire between us... build a bridge across the canyon to meet again... in the middle preferably.
I've been reading your threads as well. Learning a lot. All your struggle after a career of being always the "bulldozer" in charge. I can totally relate to it. I used to be a "bulldozer" as well... until my engine somehow exploded. Too much load? Unlucky accident? Still trying to figure out what happened. Like a huge caterpillar truck with a broken axle... LOL! Picking up the parts now and trying to put an other kind of vehicle back together and slowly starting to move again. No bulldozer anymore. Maybe some kind of fun ride... cruiser... convertible... we'll see.

@bnd2plz I totally agree with you. After all the advice I'm getting here and what I've been reading, I decided to put the device "on hold" and, choose for the more difficult path (story of my life!!) and keep my self in unlocked chastity "under own management" for love to her. I have done tons of difficult stuff in my life. I should (MUST) be able to keep my hands of me.:spank:
I want to come closer to her, I want her to feel loved and pampered (without any sexual pressure). But she also has to be ready for letting me come closer. I hope that each day I remain in chastity helps me to place one more piece of bridge across the canyon. And yes, I'm a huge fan of communication... but "phones lines" are damaged after the storm. We are shouting across the canyon and the echo (from the past) is making communication difficult. But we are getting there. Messages take longer to arrive and decode, but we are communicating again. I'm not obsessed about chastity or any other kink anymore. I had to learn the hard way not to be obsessed about anything in life... if life happens to take it away from you then you will find yourself in serious trouble. I'm just looking for a solution and I thought chastity might help. I'm realizing now it will help, but wearing a device will probably make things worse. I'm aware of that. That's why I started this thread... and the feedback I'm getting confirms my doubts.

 

A short update here.

Things are going in the good direction. It's less than a week and my wife is dealing very well with the cross dresser news. She gave me green light to meet two real friends (a CD and a girl) and is happy for me that I already have those friends to talk about my feminine side. She was worried that I was alone with this and the she would had to deal with it.

Sex is entirely on hold. And I'm slowly reducing my orgasm frequency. I went from several Os a day to 5 day without release. I had to "unload", now again 2 days. I will go for a week, maybe more now. We'll see.
I don't think about it in terms of chastity now, but I just feel motivated to do it for her, for us. Even if we never get into chastity, trying to focus all or most of my sexual energy towards her (without being pushy!!) it's good for any relationship I guess. Kinky or vanilla.

I'm entirely focused on her now. We had a couple very sincere and honest conversations, about our relationship and my CD. We are working on it. No deadlines, no pushing, no stress. Just letting things go its own pace.

Being finally out of the closet as a CD makes me feel such a relief that sometimes I just have to cry when I realize that I don't need to hide anymore.

 

A short update:

Crossdressing:
Last weekend my wife told me about a lingerie stock sale event. I went there and bought lots of lovely sexy stuff. My wife bought also lots of things. Then she donated all her old lingerie to me as well. One month ago I had 3 panties. Now I have around 30.
I hope I will be able to wear panties every day from now on. I'm letting things happen at my wife's pace, so I don't want to ask, but I think we are heading in the right direction.

Chastity:
I had a difficult start. I made first 5 days, then 6 days. Now I hope to make 10 days. I want to build up until I can manage 30 days chastity periods which would be more or less compatible with my wife's libido. Aafter years (decades I should say ) of very frequent masturbation is easier said than done. Is there someone around here interested in coaching me on this? I mean not exactly a keyholder, but more someone to talk with, get some tips, someone who would enjoy the process of helping me to reach the 30 day milestone.

For a variety of reasons I decided to do uncaged chastity. At least for as long as my wife doesn't know that I'm doing this. But I'm pretty sure we both will prefer to go for uncaged chastity. I also started a thread about the subject here.

 

Update

I'm very sad - Yesterday I couldn't hold it anymore and had to cum.
My record now is 5 days, 6 days and 6 days.

The positive conclusions are:
1 - I had only 3 orgasms in 17 days, instead of probably 10-12. It's already a huge reduction after decades of intensive masturbation.
2 - I was probably able to go for longer than 6 days, but started to watch pictures on FetLife and there is when it went wrong.
3 - Today I experience, for the first time, what I read once here on the forum. A very bad feeling for having an orgasm, disappointment, sadness.
4 - I'm also starting to acknowledge and enjoy the way I feel after 2-3 days without ejaculation, I'm happier, more willing to help my wife and others, more patient, have more energy to do things.
5 - I realize, points 3 and 4 go hand in hand. The more I enjoy being in chastity, the less I will want to cum.

So I guess this is a learning process. If you take into account that I do this for the first time in my life. It's the first time I'm really committed to change. I read a lot about chastity, but I'm experiencing this for the first time. And seeing this as a life changing process, more than just a kink.
I think you have to experience points 3 and 4 to know how it feels. That's a great motivation. I want more of point 4 and less of point 3.

"The way is the goal" - "A goal without a plan is just a wish"
I realize that wanting to reach 30 days as fast as possible is not realistic if I can not hold it anymore after 5 days. I'm wearing no device and I have no one helping me on a daily basis. I'm doing this entirely on my own. So I decided to go for 7 day periods for several weeks, until I get the feeling that I can manage those 7 days with ease. Then I will extend to 10 days. Keep 10 day periods until I manage with ease. Then extend to 12-15 days, and so on, and so on. I think it's better to build up slowly and create a solid foundation than wanting to go fast and the fail fast as well. Decades of habit must be changed.

As I mentioned before, I'm almost 100% sure I will go for uncaged chastity (and I know my wife will prefer it too). So I MUST and I WANT to develop the inner strength and discipline to do this.

@Jasmic68 Thank you a lot for your feedback! I absolutely agree with you and I'm sure that making that promise to my wife would be the best help possible. I see that happening. I will make that promise to her when the time has come.
The thing is that we put sex and all sex related conversation totally on hold for now. We had just started working on our relationship when I suddenly, due to circumstances, confessed her about my cross dressing (the prefect situation to confess presented itself). We are changing many things in our relationship and she needs also some time to digest my CD news. She is doing great, but I don't want her to feel pushed to talk about sex or, even worse, I don't want her to feel pressure to start having sex with me again because she knows I'm not masturbating anymore. It would take several conversations and some time for her to understand and realize that me quitting masturbation is by no means an indirect way to put pressure on her to have more sex with me. That's surely NOT my goal. I want just the opposite. I want to free her from that pressure FOR EVER. But that would take lots of sex related conversation, which we now agreed not to do.
As I said, sex is entirely on hold for an undetermined period of time. She is starting to relax now and we are starting to enjoy great cuddling and intimacy with sex being totally out of question. It might be weeks, it might be months. Knowing her and the situation we are in, I think in months. Which is perfect, because those months give me the time to go through the "cold turkey" phase and build a good foundation for uncaged chastity.

 

@jemima thanks for the PM! we continue our conversation via PM!

@Cecilia B Thanks for sharing your experience. You and your BF are both so lucky to have each other!! I'm so happy for you both! Having such a transparent communication in a relationship is the best thing there is!
You're right, I'm very lucky about how my wife reacted to my cross dressing. I never told anyone before because I was in absolute denial, suppressing it with all my energies for years, but it would always come back. One year ago I accepted and embraced it. Before telling my wife I wanted to explore how important it was for me.

@Jasmic68 Thank you so much for your support!! You are already helping me a lot!! I'm so happy that I found you Mansion-guys!! My wife knows I'm busy online and that I have online friends to discuss all my "sexual/gender issues" and she is very happy about me having you guys. She doesn't want to know too many details yet. She said we will talk sex when she is ready. I'm happy sex is on hold now, because I'm not ready either... as you know!
She just walked into my desk room and said "greetings to your online friends and tell them I'm happy that you have them".
I'm exchanging PMs with someone interested in helping me. I not allowed yet to tell who this person is. I have a good feeling about it. It's someone with many years of experience in chastity.

 

@Jasmic68 OMG!! You make me melt!! That's so sweet!!
I want to send her your message RIGHT NOW, but I will wait until she opens the sex discussion first. It might be weeks, it might be months. But I will definitely show it to her and let you know what she said about it! Maybe she even wants to write back.
Thank you so much!!
Hugs and kisses!

 

@Jasmic68 Yes, I feel now I belong to the "happy ones". I've been reading horrible stories online from relationships being destroyed after such an outing (cross dressing, bdsm or whatever other taboo). I feel very lucky that she accepted it, she still doesn't want to see me dress, but is already very supportive, telling me where to buy lingerie and clothes at a good price, being happy for me that I have some online and real friends to talk about this side of me, and she also suggested I should go to cross dresser meetings or parties if I need to experience my feminine side in a social context, which I will definitely do.
Being a sub and on my way to voluntary chastity, same as you, I know it's always about HER pleasure first (I actually always felt that way, but I found it very difficult to show it to her that clearly) She said that seeing me dressed might be a total turn off for her. And we don't want that right? Her pleasure first. As long as she feels it's a turn off to see me dressed, she wont see me dressed, and if she never wants me to see me dressed, I will accept that.

Talking about HER pleasure, I'm following your thread regarding how to please your wife with penetration without cuming. I'm specially worried about that as my wife reaches orgasm only when I'm hard enough and long enough (15 to 30 minutes). That doesn't happen very often. I thought chastity might help me solve my premature ejaculation problem, but I read here and there it will make things worse
Same as your wife, she prefers to feel a real penis, no condoms, no toys. I'm worried about this.
We'll see.

 

Short update.

I found someone here on CM who is supporting me to get started with chastity and who is helping me to manage things until my wife, hopefully, takes over. MY VERY SPECIAL THANKS TO THIS PERSON. (not allowed to tell who this person is yet)

Until now I managed to hold for 5 days, 6 days and 6 days. Now going for it again, I'm on my 4th day with a HUGE difference: I'm not in control anymore. The person who is helping me took the control over. I'm getting much more support than I originally expected to receive. I hoped for some kind of advice, tips and tricks, but this person seems to be very committed to help me to get started.

I was instructed to:
- Be 100% honest about all that happens. This person is helping me purely online and I'm not wearing a device. I'm extremely committed to make this work, so I will be 100% honest with this person and also in my threads. Only that way I can learn from my experiences and from all you guys here at CM and make this work.
- Never touch myself again unless instructed by the person helping me, with the only exception of my wife wanting sex with me. Sex is on hold now, so I don't expect to have sex any time soon.
- Refer, from now on, to my genitals always as her property. I realized that if I put her cock, her balls and her cum in the same "mental category" as her pussy it would help me to never touch anything without her wanting me to do so. We cuddle a lot, we kiss, we hug. But I only touch her between the legs ONLY when we engage in some kind of sexual activity, otherwise I never touch her there, not even by accident. I will be very busy the next days with this thoughts and feelings. For the area between my legs I want to develop the same kind of "sacred" feeling that I always had for all the area between her legs (it's much more than just her genitals). I like the idea. We are already 15 years together, each single time I had access to the area between her legs it felt like a huge privilege, never felt like I had the right to.

In order to avoid erections and to keep her property out of my sight and reach, I'm trying different kinds of gaf methods (device is out of question). Since 3 weeks I wear panties every day. Some of them very cute and so soft and tiny that I also need the gaf to keep everything in place. I also love the flat surface under my panties... one reason why I don't like cages either. Tape tucking is also a good method, and not that easy to remove (specially if I don't shave I must also think twice before removing the tape!)

 

@Jasmic68 Oh yes! I'm very happy that this person approached me and offered help. I asked again, but I'm not aloud to reveal this person's name/profile. I understand the reasons. I learning now that chastity, specially when under own management with the honor system, is much more a mind thing than a physical thing. There is no physical barrier. It all must happen in the mind.
About the gaf, I tried kinesiology tape for the past 48 hours. It's the best solution until now. Kinesiology tape is strong, holds very good on the skin but it's a bit elastic, so it's stretch a bit where needed, and it makes the wearing much more comfortable than other more rigid tapes.

@jemima yes, of course it's better to be shaved. If I'm not shaved I must think twice before removing the tape for touching myself. And even if I decide to remove it, by the moment I'm finished I'm probably totally turned off by the pain caused by pulling the hair.

@loyalhack Thank you so much for the feedback! I do my best to understand others and also to understand that sometimes I might be misunderstood. Most discussions originate in misunderstanding or wrong assumptions. I had to learn this the hard way!

@Pbare I'm glad you like reading my posts! I'm also a newbie here, still a lot to learn! It feels great that we help each other in this journey!!

 

Update: Wearing HER property in HER panties

Let me put things in perspective:

- 4 weeks ago I told my wife about my cross dressing - Around the same time I decided to start exploring chastity - Coincidence?
- 2 weeks ago she told me about a lingerie stock sale. We both went there separately. We both bought a ton of stuff
- 1 week ago my wife went through her panties drawer and replaced many old panties with the new ones. She donated many of them to me. I immediately preferred wearing her old panties than my new ones. Since one week I wear her old panties and feel closer to her.
- 5 days ago I started again with chastity (4th try). This time with someone coaching me who told me to think about my genitals as HER property, her cock, her balls and her cum. It's not mine anymore, I'm not aloud to touch them anymore. It's all HER property now. Only she and, the person who is helping me are aloud to access her cock, her balls and her cum.

And yesterday night, while in bed before falling asleep I realized HEY!!! I'm wearing her property in her panties!! Suddenly her panties felt like a "satin and lace" cage. I would have never dare to put my hand in HER panties without knowing or being 100% sure that she wanted me to do so. Now I wear those SAME panties that I used to remove with her permission to access her most intimate area.
Her cock and her balls are now tucked with kinesiology tape and hidden behind HER panties. (by the way this tape works great to keep everything in place and to avoid erections, specially those hard rock morning erections)

I look now at HER panties on me and remember how many times I shove my hand under exactly this same panties, never unauthorized.
The mental barrier is already there now reinforced by her old panties.
Do you believe in coincidence?

5 days now. I hope I can make a week, or maybe longer?
But I'm not in control anymore. I wonder what plans the person who is helping me has for me.
The mental cage together with the "satin and lace" cage is starting to work.

 

Hi lovely boys and girls!!
I'm very happy today! I made my first week!!! For most of you it might seem like nothing, but I'm very proud!!
It's extremely difficult, doing this alone and without a device. I'm so happy and thankful that there is someone helping me. Knowing that this person is there, reachable via PM, and that I have a word to keep is helping me go through fire now.
Out of desperation, yesterday, I discovered that ice pads help me break the vicious horny cycle in 5-10 min.
horny->naughty thoughts-> hornier->more naughty thoughts (This always ends in masturbation)