Getting started without my wife knowing [ ...she knows now! ]

Six days ago I gave up control over my orgasms to the person helping me until, I hope, my wife takes over. If she doesn't take over, I hope to be freed from masturbation addiction for ever. This is good, one way or the other.

I have no instructions to have an orgasm until now. I didn't dare to ask what are the plans either... but I'm afraid this person wants to see how far I can really go... and I'm also curious about how far I can go as well. I have now someone who is investing time in helping me and would feel TERRIBLE to let this person down... and let me down. This person said that if I'm really overwhelmed we can talk about it. I really feel respected and comprehended by my helper. A very kind and intelligent person. But as I said, I didn't ask about the plans, I didn't want to know.

I already have many ice pads in the freezer. I'm afraid this is going to be hard, very hard, but maybe it's just better to break the habit for once and go cold turkey. I never managed to do it alone. I have a good feeling that with this person's support I'll be able to do it. Any tips on how to cool down in extreme situations, please post them here . It might be useful for others in the future to find all this tips and tricks in one place.

 

@Jasmic68 thanks sweetheart! I will need some luck as well! This is a big challenge.

I'm trying to keep myself bussy. I'll be working on a very intensive project next moth that will probablu consume most of my time and energy. Next month might be easier than now.
Ohh yes, I already discovered some threads that caused me to take off like a rocket. I must avoid the boudoir section. I don't know if could do cukcold, but the phantasy of it it's a huge turn on. Also FetLife is too exciting to watch. I should be a goor girl and watch some nice girly reality show to relax!

 

Hello everyone, as you can see on my mood chooser: I'm fine!
I almost can't believe this, 9 days without an orgasm and feel just fine. Between days 3 and 6 it was very difficult, but now it's ok. I'm fine, maybe even a bit down. I want to give special thanks to the person helping me!! Thank you so much!!

I'm starting to realize that chastity might be slowly becoming real for me. In my case it might be quite different from most of you as I decided for an auto-imposed chastity. I know that overcoming masturbation addiction and keeping my orgasms to be shared ONLY with wife present will be the best for our relationship and my life in general, even if my wife doesn't want to get too much involved with my chastity. I hope she will want to get involved somehow, but I don't want to push her with this. When the time is right I'll tell her about what I'm doing here and we'll see how things goes.... specially what she wants!

I'm still waiting for my wife to open the discussion about sex (no hurry on my side). As I said, we are going through difficult times and we both agreed to put sex and all sex related conversation entirely on hold for an unlimited period of time. This "quarantine" is giving me the time to rethink lots of things and to make many important changes in my life, like accepting and outing my female side and getting started with chastity. I'm reading @Jasmic68 's journey to get an idea of what I might be going through in the next months. I feel related to many things she says. Also reading many other interesting threads in the forum. Thank you all for sharing your experiences here.

I have a good feeling about all this. I try not to think about orgasms anymore. I'm avoiding anything that might make me horny and focusing on my emotions, thoughts, the long term changes that I want to achieve for myself and specially how to make my wife really happy. I'm starting to separate things in my mind.... on one side my kinks, fantasies, etc... on the other her needs, her wishes, her fantasies (and I will be paying much more attention when we open discussion again)

That's all for now.

 

A short update here.
I was gone for a couple of days, I was very busy but also avoiding "content" that might make me too horny.

I almost can't believe it!! I'm now 2 weeks in denial!!
I guess I crossed the line where the urge to cum is now a bit less important than my pride of being able to stay in chastity for so long.

The last 2 days were a bit difficult for me, but I'm managing. This had not been possible without the help and guidance of my mentor(keyholder?)!! Dear mentor, thank you so much!!!

I'm starting to discover some new sensations and feelings. Still too soon to describe what it is, but one thing is sure, I'm liking this!! It's just more than a kink to me.

--------------------------

@olddog Thanks a lot for sharing your experience! Although I fins the idea of a device very exciting I know my wife will never like all the monitoring work that comes with it. I'm startin to enjoy the feeling of having to control my self, I feel I'm being strong for her... and at the same time this makes me stronger.

--------------------------

@Jasmic68 I'm still going through your thread. I can relate to most things you tell. That's no rambling nonsense sweetheart!! No!!! That's your very personal journey!! I love the fact that you focus so much on the emotions and the practical aspects in each of your posts and don't get lost sharing horny details (which I also love but those are very difficult to read when getting started in chastity in the honor system)
You're right!! It's mostly on your head. My mentor did a great job putting my thoughts in order, then controlling the body gets much easier. Actually, once you control your mind, there is almost no need to control(struggle) with your body doing things you don't want.
I specially like your last sentence!! I realize there are so many ways to be in chastity as there are people here. I'm slowly finding my way. I have quite clear ideas of what I need and how I will enjoy it. But then, I still have to discuss details with my wife.

 

@Jasmic68 yes, there are some horny details in your thread, but for me it's all manageable. There are other threads were I would just take off like a rocket after reading only a couple of post, not to mention several pages.

I also read some sections of @Caged Wolf 's Thread. Love it. Also exchanged some messages with him right at the beginning . Cool guy. I liked his 100% honest approach. I'm doing the same as you both and sharing things just as they are. There is no point in bending the truth if you're serious about this.

You might have only six months of experience, but I guess those six months are the most difficult. Getting started in chastity is no joke!! Going through all the "brain rewiring" is not easy. I realize that now, there are a lot of thoughts and ideas that need to be readjusted. Going through your thread helps me see and understand what is happening with me and what might be coming next, also what might happen with my wife.

"Not having sex is the best sex I have ever had". I will remember that. I already understand it intellectually, and I wish to be there at some point. But I also realize my body is not there yet.
I realized that yesterday. I told my mentor about my desire/craving for my dildo. In the last 2 weeks I had no orgasm but also didn't play with my toys. Zero sexual stimulation. Just writing about it made me extremely horny and went to look very hot sissy caption pictures in FetLife. I was suddenly extremely horny and had a very rough night. And I realize, my mind is getting there, but my body still hyper-reacts to the minor visual (or thoughts) stimulation.

I finally made it. Went through the crisis, but I realize how "fragile" the situation is while getting started.

Another day in paradise!

 

@Jasmic68 I can perfectly understand your fear. But I really dont think you have to worry about it. It seems you're doing great together. You definetely deserve that new device!!! Good luck with it!
After reading a lot around here and learning about chastity, I think there are a couple of things that might make a wife/gf reconsider continuing with this.

- man and his device need to much attention and begin to feel as time consuming without fun for her
- wife/gf starts to get the feeling the guy enjoys more being in chastity than having sex with her
- man pushes too much with all kind of fantasies, toys, games, roles, etc

I cant wait to tell my wife and hope that she will get on the boat. I'm quite sure she will. The question here is how much will she want to get involved in this. Thats why I'm focusing more on self control and honor system. She will get the same benefits with less effort (specially in the beginning she will have to get used to it and will have a minor involvement). Also if she doesnt want to get too involved in my chastity (with games, teasing and the like) she can not force me to start masturbating again. I wont do it. I want to quit masturbation for good. It's not a kink, it's more a personal development thing. I can always continue with chastity on my own (although is much more fun to do with someone else).
Then I have to see that I find a solution for my premature ejaculation, as I know she needs PIV sex to reach orgasm.
At the end ithe wife/gf has more advantages than disadvantages from chastity, she will preffer to continue, right?

 

A short update about my journey.

- I'm now over 3 weeks without an orgasm. Probably the first time in decades that I'm without an orgasm for such a long time. I'm very committed to wait until my keyholder/coach or my wife wants me to have an orgasm. I might have to wait a couple of weeks. Due to health issues my wife is not in the mood and I guess my keyholder is probably testing how far I can go. I don't dare to ask what the plans are for me. I will just wait for some of them to ask me to cum. I really enjoy like crazy not having control over it anymore!!!

- I TALKED WITH WIFE ABOUT CHASTITY. That's right. MY WIFE KNOWS NOW!! (I should start a new Thread now...with another title maybe?)The moment arrived and I explained her about what I'm doing now and why this time is different from my approach 10+ years ago. She mainly listened and I explained many things. Zero pressure, zero pushing. She needs time to process this. I have no clear feedback about chastity from her yet.
We are going through a lot of changes in our relationship and I also outed my cross dressing to her several weeks ago. So I know it's a lot for her at the moment. But what it's most important it's the fact that she confirms that she likes and enjoys how I am in the last 2 months. It's a long and too personal story to share here, but I reached a moment in my life where I realized I had to change many things about myself or I would regret it in the future. Long story short: my wife likes the new me more than the old me. Only thing is that she has to get used to this new things in me that were hidden from her for so many years (cross dressing, chastity and othr kinks). I'm positive about the developments and I hope we will find together our own way to do things.

I know my wife already very good. A couple of things are already confirmed. I knew she would not like me using devices because of all the time it will cost for her (and the money), also for practical reasons. So no device. I'm ok with that. If we continue we'll go for the honor system.
Another thing is that she doesn't like playing the "bad Mistress" role. I didn't ask her to do so now, but I did 10 years ago. She just doesn't feel comfortable in that role. If she wants to continue with chastity and how she will manage it and which attitude she will develop towards it, it's still unclear. We'll see.

That's all for now.

 

@Pbare thanks for the feedback!! I absolutely agree. I've been reading many threads and I see each couple has their own system, rules, codes, pace, etc. My wife and I will find our own.

10 years ago I was blinded by the idea of the "bad Mistress". Now not. I keep my mind open and I will wait for her to find her own way to do this. I really accepted my sub position and as such, I can maybe propose things, but I will at the end accept what I get and be thankful for that. I'm 100% conscious that it's all about her. Her desires, her comfort, her pace. I offered her my chastity and I hope she will take it and will be willing to explore the advantages for her. If she doesn't, well... I will have to live with that as well.

I realized that embracing who I am is the best thing I could ever do. I'm a very submissive cross dresser. And I don't need a bossy, bad Mistress to "force" me to be what I am. I am who I am and I offer myself to my wife as I am. I realize that I don't need a "classic Domme" to be or feel sub. If she allows me to pamper her, server her, please her (in whatever ways) I already feel really happy. I can be sub to a "high maintenance vanilla woman".
I know, we'll find our own way...

 

@Jasmic68 thank you a lot for the feedback sweetie!! I have to thank you for all the things that you shared in you thread and to everyone here. I learned lot in a very short period of time thanks to all you guys!
My keyholder/coach is great. Without him this has not been possible. I would shout his name loud here as a thank you, but this person wants to avoid being approached by dozens of people who are not serious about it. Which I absolutely understand.

@jemima you're right honey, I was a mess when I got started here. Now heading for the 4th week.I remember by the time I started @Jasmic68 was just over a month in chatsity. I looked at it each time and I though it would take me ages to be able to stay in chastity for a month or longer and that also without a device!! But I almost made it. I'm so happy and so proud!!

 

I have a small confession to make. 2 nights ago I was extremely horny, I was actually craving for my dildo more than wishing to stroke and cum. I couldn't help but to rub her (my) cock under my panties. I was wearing a pair of very thight panties so everything was almost pressed and tucked in place. I felt very flat under my panties and, as I said, I couldn't help but to rub her (my) cock over my panties. It was only a minute and then I had to stop because I realized how fast I would be so close to cum. I stopped on time. It was the first and only time in 3 weeks that I touched her property in a sexual way.
I already told my keyholder, have not reaction yet. This person is quite busy at the moment.

I'm extremely committed to chastity, don't want to let my keyholder and myself down. On the other hand, the longer I stay in chastity, the more I crave for my dildo and the less I care about stroking. I might start a new thread on the subject "anal stimulation while in chastity" or something like that. I'm very curious about it.

 

It's time for an update

MY WIFE KNOWS NOW!
Yes, almost a week ago I talked to my wife about chastity. She first reacted quite cool and it seemed to be positive about it. She asked for some time to think about it. A couple of days later she came to me completely worried with questions where I immediately realized she got it all wrong. She assumed things that I never said and didn't ask either. The longer we talked about it the more I realized that she was talking to "the old me" who approached her 10+ years ago with FemDom and Chastity in a very pushy way. I'm over that now. I explained several times that I didn't expect her to do anything that she doesn't want to do. I don't expect her to be a mean Mistress, nor to wear high heels, not to live a 24/7 lifestyle or anything like that.

During the conversations in the last couple of days I realize how difficult it is to talk about sex with her. We are almost 15 years together, we can talk about everything. We almost never argue nor fight. We are a great team and we very fast and easy find an agreement for whatever decision we make together in life: moving to an other country, how many children we want or which tiles we want for the bathroom. We can talk about anything and make decisions together in a very relaxed and positive way. We share same goals, taste, priorities about most important things in life. Only sex it's a huge mismatch and almost impossible to talk about.

It has always been like that. Sex is for me just one more subject part of life. I can talk about sex in the same relaxed and open minded way as when we discuss tiles for the bathroom or which car we want to buy next year. On the other hand, for her, each time I talk about sex I see fear and anxiety building up in her face. I don't need to talk extreme kinky stuff. Talking basic vanilla sex is for already uncomfortable. I realize that before talking chastity or whatever other sex related stuff, we first need to address her fear and anxiety around sex and talking sex. Our marriage is almost sexless. I approached the subject in many different ways (from sweet vanilla to hardcore kinky) in the last 15 years. She then asks for time to "think about it" but what happens next is that I wait for weeks or months for her to come back on the subject but that never happens. She just puts her head in the sand and ignores the subject and hopes I won't ask ever again. That's why I thought chastity would be a great way to align our mismatched libidos.

Yesterday night we discussed more stuff. I thought it was very important to clarify a couple of things before she continues assuming things wrong. I realized she was mixing all kind of things, jumping to wrong conclusions, putting things in my mouth that I never said or meant to say. So I said: "Forget everything we talked in the last couple of days. Now one question: How do you imagine your ideal sex life?" She said more or less what she wanted and how often. Then I said: "Ok, that's what we are going to do. Just what you want and how you want. Things will be the same as we always did if you want. The only difference will be that I wont decide when I cum, but you will. And if you don't want to take responsibility for that decision, we can through a coin each time". She looked at me and said: "that's it?" I said: "Yes, that's it". She said: "But I thought you wanted me to play Mistress for you and spend hours each day playing sex games". I explained: "I finally accepted and embraced my sub nature. That means that I surrender to your needs, your tastes, your frequency, your everything. The old me, 10 years ago tried to push you into that role, but I don't expect that anymore. If you want to have sex with me 2 times a year, I will have to live with that. The only thing I ask is for you to decide when we have sex and if you want me to cum when we do"
I got the feeling she was finally getting the idea.

I thought we have to give it some time. Now that all fears around chastity are removed we will put chastity entirely on hold. She will focus on herself and will think about why she is always so afraid an anxious around sex and talking sex. And just when I thought she will never come back to the subject of chastity she asked me to put more information together for her that will help her understand chastity better.


PUTTING INFORMATION TOGETHER AND MY ORGASM ACCIDENT
After a couple of days of conversation and discussion on the subject my wife asked me to put some info together. We agreed it would be better if I select some writings that I think reflect the way I guess she would like to do chastity with me. I said I would love to send her several links but there was a high risk she would come across stuff that would confuse her more.
I went through my bookmarks. After 3 weeks and 4 days in chastity and avoiding porn and hot writings for most of that time I had to go through several blogs, writings, pictures, videos, etc. to collect information for her. I was getting extreme horny and when I came across this video I couldn't help to rub her (my) cock ONLY ONCE under my tight jeans and panties and just only one touch was enough to make me explode. It was a horrible orgasm, specially because it was totally unexpected, unprepared, accidental. I could feel her(my) cum flowing but I couldn't see what was going on, nor really enjoy it.
It was probably the strangest orgasm I ever had, surely not the best one. I guess it was some kind of ruined orgasm. I couldn't touch her(my) cock directly. It all happened in my pants.
I guess also that all the stress around the subject and being also very tired and stressed from work made it for me more difficult to control myself.

I'm now afraid my Keyholder/Coach will be very disappointed and won't continue helping me with this. I hope he read this and accepts my public apologies for what happened. I feel terrible, terrible, terrible.
:spank::spank::spank::spank:

I'm very proud that I made it so far, specially being on my own, without a device. But having an orgasm was not my decision to make, it makes me extremely sad and I feel I let my Keyholder and myself down. I know my orgasm would have been much more intense if I had permission to do it and could have prepared for it.

Some mistakes you have to make once to understand the consequences. A stupid mistake ruined (almost) 4 weeks of effort. Now I have to start from zero again. I'm stronger now. I learned a lot during my first long chastity period.
This had not been possible without the support and coach of my Keyholder/Coach. Thank you!! Thank you!! Thank you!!

CONCLUSION
I will continue developing my chastity. With or without my wife getting involved in it. I hope my Keyholder/Coach still wants to be there for me. During the past 4 weeks I felt great. Being able to resist one of the biggest temptations a male has was a huge boost for my self confidence and a way of showing myself how strong I can be. I loved the way I felt, attentive and submissive to my wife. I also had much more energy and focus for other things. And I had lots of extra hours to do other things instead of watching porn and masturbating. Here I go for the second round!! One day and counting!!

Well. That's it for now.