Stuck ! Female Lead Relationship

I know. I've had my say but you can have a conversation on here with lots of helpful people who have been in or close to your situation. They'll tell you communication but you want to be going into that conversation well equipped for you both to come out of it with an understanding. You'll find that here. Hang in there bro and check in here later.

 

To me it just sounds like you are kinky and she’s not so much. If it’s not really her thing then she’s not going to be able to get fully into it. Ok so you say she’s controlling but that’s probably not a sexual thing for her. And normal people find it very difficult to behave in ways they think are cruel - even when we reassure them it’s ok.

 

I think it’s hard for two people to navigate this stuff if one has a very specific sexual kink and the other doesn’t - even if the less eager party sincerely tries to get with the vibe. It might start out novel and enjoyable but over time it may get to feel burdensome - “oh no, not this again…”
Do this thought experiment: your wife says she wants you to wear a Trump wig and talk like Trump during sex. You go “ok, sure!” and the first few times you enjoy it… but after a while you’re thinking “hmmm, she doesn’t really find ME sexy… it’s all about Trump for her.”
And I wonder if the 45% she’s giving is the real her, and that 55% you want is just the baggage you’re carrying.

 

it often irritates me when xys present a flr as "i will do everything and she can live a life of leisure". they make it sound like they will put in 150% effort and she only need put in 10%. then when she gives 20% they complain it is not enough. in the end her only real power is to stop playing at all. then the xy grudgingly continues their perceived empty flr.
i understand that i am not the norm. i wanted this lifestyle. i started it and i enforce it with the help of my other spouses. it is about 100% commitment . i am responsible for everything to include puck's needs. in return i expect my needs to be met and more. it is not easy. it is a lot of work. much more than a vanilla relationship. to me it is worth it. to expect my level of time, effort and commitment from the common flr sales pitch is unrealistic at best. before i started i sat down and wrote what i wanted to change. a plan to implement those changes and my expectations of life afterwards. it took months and probably 20 drafts till i got close to right. the one thing that became incredibly clear is it require an enormous amount of time and effort, probably the hardest challenge i had ever faced. it turned out even more challenging than i imagined . still i would do it again in a heartbeat.
maybe you should start over and have your wife do the same that i did. then decide if that is what you both are willing to commit to. otherwise dedicate play time periodically to address your kinks.

 

This seems like a fairly common problem. The man commits 100% thinking his effort will be matched in form of rewards and attention given. It's not or too little is then he grows resentful. It still happens with us at times. Open communication and finding shared kinks helped tremendously. You do have a say even if you're choosing to be submissive relationship. Short of letting her know how you feel nothing will change most likely.

 

I kinda gotta echo what the previous two guys said and what I myself posted earlier in this thread. Talk, talk, talk, and be sure about what you want and be clear in the way you present it. Be willing to meet her halfway in any and all expressed opinions and the things you ask for. Like I posted earlier here I am going to have to probably work through the end of a long term vanilla marriage that I planned to be the last relationship of my life all because of a change that happened ten plus years ago. All because I THOUGHT I could manage the change but am now finding I can’t. It sucks but I have to be honest with myself and her, and I have the chance to begin a new relationship involving things like chastity and aspects of FLR and you can damned well be sure I will talk this to death before I commit to anything. She seems receptive to this and I hope she’s right because I am at age (62 two weeks from today) that I intend for this to be for keeps. Write all your thoughts down and edit and re-edit until you get it as right as you can. Work with her if it’s important and I am willing to bet you learn things from her you were completely unaware of; men have a habit of being clueless to women’s nonverbal and verbal clues.

 

My missus will go out of her way to do the opposite of what I want, or not do stuff I like. It used to annoy me but somehow it fuels me now, if you where in my shoes perhaps it's time to find pleasure in knowing that you are not the one that calls the shots

 

Stop doing her bidding. If she doesn't want to play your game then stop playing hers.

Just go back to being a married couple, and if you still want a Domme then hire one for a couple of hours each month, and then you can tell them what kind of 100% Domme you want. That way, your wife won't have to disappoint you all the time, she won't have any pressure to perform, and you won't feel negative about the relationship disparity.

 

But if you pay someone for services, YOU are the dom.

 

OMG, what a spoilsport. I was hoping no one would notice.

 

You know me….!

 

I know of you, but that's the best I can do.

 

You know I’m irksome and obtuse.

 

A FLR is by definition asymmetric, the balance of power is not equal.

The relationship that it is layered upon, must be full and equal effort. If it is not, the FLR will not improve matters.

Can this relationship work without the FLR? Would it be mutually satisfying? If not, perhaps that is what you should work on first?

 

That’s not how it works. Similarly, hiring a surgeon does not make you a surgeon.

 

No, hiring ANYONE makes you the boss of them. The customer calls the shots. So a professional “dominatrix” is not a dominatrix at all.

 

Seems to me that you've never been married to a woman close to on in menapause. I'd venture to say many longterm married men your age do not have the sex life they want, with, or without kink. I'm older, she's done with it all, so i live i na little subbie world of my own making and simply try to be nice and make her life easier. My submision is my responsibility not hers. Bummer.

 

You just have to be careful. I was in a relationship with an ex who turned out to be a bully. Saying grow some balls and all that, not in a nice way, in a pushing to domestic violence way that I would not come out well. Police prejudice against quite a large male. She knew I liked getting my balls squeezed when we still had a physical relationship. After weeks of nothing I tried to get something physical. She squeezed my balls really hard and would not let go. I almost passed out. She rolled over and went to sleep. I knew not to try chastity or flr with her or live a life of very real and unpleasant physical and and psychological abuse. It's history and I'm over it but one should listen to their instincts.

 

That's not true.

For it to be true, at least someone else would need to share a perspective to form a consensus. Since I don't think you are irksome or obtuse, then it cannot be true.

Also, even if I did think you were irksome and obtuse, it would be a perception rather than knowledge, but as Bishop Berkeley said "The only things we perceive are our perceptions," and if there is one thing I know to be true it's that perceptions are not reality.

Lastly, as descartes said "cogito, ergo sum", which is to say "The only thing I know to be true is that I am."

So, all I can do is know of you, as a concept.

 

I bet you have never been to a Pro Domme, we had our session in our 1st year together. Best choice ever. You answer her questions, you set your limits, she runs the session her way period. You safe word you’re done. You get to build the “sand box” how she plays in it is up to her.

By the way try telling a surgeon how they are going to do surgery on you. The customer does not always call the shots. True professionals tell those customers to find someone else. I’ve been turning away those types of clients for decades!

I’’m sure there are crappy Dominatrixes out there who will “paint by numbers”, but that was not my experience. Your belief is common but it is not correct.