Telling your post menopausal partner you love chastity.

Thank you for sharing what must be some difficult and painful details from your past. It's been a bumpy road, which would have taken a toll on any couple. However, many of those circumstances are in the past. You are no longer in Spain, you're no longer apart, etc. Although any of those bumps could certainly explain a drop off in sex during that time, they don't really explain that persisting through today. In a similar vein, although menopause can wreak havoc with sexual desire, the need for some manner of intimacy should still be there afterwards. The way that intimacy is expressed and experienced may change, but the need for intimacy is pretty fundamental. Although your partner has no interest in sex, it isn't clear if there are other avenues for intimacy.

If intimacy has disappeared as well, then I feel there's something more (and I believe that was Arlentia's main point). I don't mean to imply anything sinister. Just that this puzzle is still missing a piece. Maybe you see the missing piece and don't feel like sharing it with us... that's totally ok. We've gone pretty far astray from your original question, and these matters can be intensely emotional and private.

But if you don't know what the piece is either, then I encourage you to keep an open mind and look for what else that might be contributing to a current lack of intimacy.

 

Hi Polemanme,

Like you i was only enjoying (self) sex outside of the mariage. Very low intimacy together. But since a few months I learned very much from listening to the Kink Friendly podcast of Mistress Alisa. See also het website alisacoaches.com although i believe she does not take any new clients anymore because she's too busy.
But i think you also can learn very much of listening to the podcast (approx 150 episodes, you absolutely have to start with season 1, episode 1). It helped me very much in understanding the relationship dynamic's in my marriage.

I began to understand the effects of masturbating without communicating with my partner, the importance of supporting her OUTSIDE the bedroom etc. etc. I just told her i was not going to masturbate anymore and i did so. Took me months with no orgasms, self reflection, actions at home and for her, communicating my feelings, presenting myself vulnarable etc. But along the way i felt changes within myself and we grew in our love together and things are a lot better now!

Fons

 

Hi Polemanme,

I read the thread.
It starts with "I have been taking care of things solo ever since.". Whether you take care wanking or something else does not matter. It is solo and therefore you live an important part of your life apart from your wife.

My postition is you can only get things better by stopping your solo actions. It does not work the other way around.
Complexity is not an argument in my humble opinion. Every human has complex relations.
You can either follow up the advise or neglect it but don't shoot me. Just sail another route if you think thats better for you.

Fons

 

I'm in the same situation with my wife who says she loves me, but she can't bring herself to be physical with me. It has been 7 years now and if there is something else going on I wish I knew what it was so I could begin to do something about it. I do things for her all the time like massages and other non-sexual services, but it never leads to anything. It is a difficult subject to bring up and even if we talk about it is doesn't get resolved. We have therapy in the past, but nothing changed. You might ask why I should stay and not leave, but we have children and I have already had one divorce which was painful. It seems as if there is no solution.
I don't mean to sidetrack this thread. Know that there are many men in this situation.

 

My wife never used to her comfortable talking about sex either over 45+ years of our relationship. My admission of my sexual brokenness last year broke the ice a little. Now a year and a half later she has slowly thawed out. So much so that we will be leading a book study on sexuality at our church.

Now, she had no past history of emotional or sexual trauma and I had never come close to abusing her in our sexual relationship. Her worst experience was my neglect.

Many people have trauma and abuse that makes it very difficult. Thankfully there are more professional therapists trained in this area now but many more are needed.

 

No offence man ... wish you lots of luck and love and a steaming hot sexlife ... sadly enough i just doubt you'll find the magic because you don't bring the sacrifice.
Fons

 

Not sure if my experience is of any help. Here is a summary of what I've learned... Background: My wife and I are in our 60's and love each other very much. Since menopause she said her libido on a scale of 1-10 is at -4.
1. Emotional intimacy is essential. She has to feel emotionally connected to me or it's really hard for her to have sex.
2. Feeling pressured to have sex doesn't work. When I learned that she felt pressure I told her I would surrender my orgasms to her. She said that she wasn't interested in controlling my orgasms, and so I asked if she was okay then with feeling pressure when I'm asking to make love. She thought about it and decided she could manage deciding when I can orgasm. I don't bring it up. Pressure is gone from her.
3. No extra burdens. I tried "toppng from the bottom" as they say. Telling her I needed at least some teasing while I wait, and gave suggestiongs as to what that might look like. That just sounded like more work and she wasn't interested. So I ended up leaving it with telling her: "I'm not going to tell you what to do. I will just share my need. My need is for some sexual attention between orgasms". This resulted in light sexual attention. Such as putting her foot on my "lap" so I could rub her feet. All the while feeling some pleasure from her foot there. Also, more cuddling in bed.
4. Keeping it simple. I asked her how I can make sex better for her. She said "less is more" and "shorter is better".
5. Recognize her sacrifice. After some more talks I realized that the only reason she does any of this is because of her love for me and wants to see my needs met. She'll usually let me give her an orgasm a few times a month. I always thank her for letting me do that for her as I know she doesn't need any orgasms. I usually will get a release once every 3 or 4 weeks which I'm very grateful for.

As for chastity she doesn't like the cage and so I'm on the honor system which has worked for us. We did use the cage at first which helped me overcome my masturbation habit. I did tell her that some chastity play is still important to me. So she knows that. There has only been one week this year that she told me to lock up. She said that because she knew that I would enjoy it. She definitely does not want me to masturbate or watch porn, so if the honor system didn't work I'm sure she'd be up for the cage. There's of course a whole story behind all of this, but just wanted to share the points that might be helpful for you.

 

i too am in the same position, i wear my cage all day till i get home, been wearing it for 1 year now. Just this past week i wore my cage to bed 2 times She did not know, my Wife has not allowed me to have sex with Her for 3.5 years. i have been seeing an online Mistress for 10 months, wearing a cage keeps me from masturbating all the time, i have gone up to 94 days before i was allowed to have a sissygasm. i love wearing my cage i feel naked without it. Not exactly sure where to go from here.

 

Same boat i too am having surgery in the next few months, might be a good time.

 

I was in the same situation 14 years ago. Wife said she is no longer interested in sex or men since she is bi. I talked to her and said I need sex and if she refuses me I will find someone to have sex with. She did not like that idea at all. We had done all the fetishes we found on Fetlife except chastity which I thought was stupid as my life was focused on as many orgasms as I could get in our non monogamous marriage. Had countless threesomes with my wife and other women over most of our 51 years of marriage and all of a sudden no more sex. No way.

As I said, I thought preventing orgasms was stupid but then I thought why not as it may appeal to my wife. So we talked and went on the honor system for a month and that worked out well. I told my wife that I had a problem controlling myself and showed her a chastity cage. She liked the idea of me not masturbating and her controlling when and if I get to orgasm. So I bought the first of about 15 chastity cages and we gave it a try.

Over the last 13 years we adjusted our chastity. Tried feminization but I am too alpha for that and do not embarrass easily so my wife gave up on that as it did not make me more submissive. We started off with an orgasm a month which according to what I found on the internet was the most popular time period between orgasms. From there we extended the time till we reached 6 months. Our sex was not normal sex. It was masturbating together if I was allowed to orgasm or if not, me just playing with my wife as she came on one of her many high end vibrators. If I was allowed to orgasm I had to jerk myself off as she is not into penises, especially small ones which she rightfully said is too small to give her an orgasm and it slipped out all the time due to ED.

Another issue was that I got very obese due to job stress and working all hours into the night snacking as I went along. I lost 90 lbs and my wife got more interested in me sexually. At least now she will get me off with her hand and very occasionally let me do the same to her. She does not want oral sex from me because she says it makes her cum too fast. She cums fast on her vibrator though. If you are a premature ejaculator, marry a woman who comes in under a minute due to a prominent and very sensitive clitoris.

So here we are 13 years later and still locked up. She will unlock me if I go out and it is not practical to be locked. She trusts me not to jerk off in my car. I never went back on my word about not making myself orgasm without her permission when in chastity. Chastity worked so well for us for a long time because we kept it simple. No femdom as my wife is not bossy at all. She is very beta.

We tried chastity contracts but they read like a what I can do to get her to do something to me. So many rules and rule changes that we often were not on the same page plus she rightfully said that the contract forced her to do things to me which she was not in the mood to do at the time. She basically said if I cannot follow one simple rule which is she makes the rules and can change them whenever she wants, she did not want to be forced to do things that I really wanted her to do when truth be told.

It finally clicked when we simplified it and basically sex is for her pleasure only. I get to orgasm a few times a year at my wife's discretion. I threw out most of my BDSM gear which was many years worth. Kept a few hoods, impact toys and nipple which she sometimes uses on me. Also a jar of Tiger Balm for my balls when she is pissed at me. Although if she really is pissed it goes in my ass which I cannot do anything about and hurts like hell. Other than that it is mostly just me kissing her and fondling her breast for a minute or two until she cums hard. Then it is over and I am locked up again. The big change this year was unlocking me for sex but I cannot touch myself or suffer a full force paddling. Only she can give me an orgasm now and that is new. We try to add something new or change something old each year to keep things interesting.

We only play during sex and not in our married life. I am still in charge of our marriage since I am much more qualified than my wife and she does not want to be in charge as she went to trade school while I was in a school for gifted students. We only get kinky in bed now and no more trying all the things we read about or seen in porn. Modelling your life according to scripted porn is a surefire way to fail like most do, at chastity. Make it realistic and realize that chastity can stand on its own and not relegated to a minor role in some larger fetish.

My suggestion is to approach your wife with the idea of giving her power over your orgams even if it is just giving you permission to jerk off. When we started my wife thought ejaculation was disgusting so she allowed me to jerk off into our toilet and any that did not go into the bowl I had to lick up. Then it was jerk off in bed and eat it. Now she wants to be the only one to touch my cock during sex and she jerks me off a few times a year or sometimes when she gets carried away with her own orgasm while trying to ruin mine, I get a surprise full orgasm. However, that counts as one of my few orgasms for the year.

You may even want to start off on the honor system as we did until I told my wife that she makes me wait for an orgasm longer than I can refrain from jerking off but there was a solution. I showed her a CB6000s and she told me to get it and that was the start of being locked up 24/7. Although we do this every year, we do take a break each year where I am unlocked and free to do what I please. That may last a few weeks or one or two months depending on our health issues since we are old people and medical issues come into play like recently when they thought my wife had lung cancer and it turned out to be nothing after 4 months of thinking she was going to die. She was not in the mood for sex so I was locked up with only one sexual encounter and orgasm during that time.

Go slow. No rules except her rules and she may learn to love it especially if you show her how horny she makes you, give her foot rubs and do more around the house. Show her an upside to controlling your orgasms and she may just want to keep doing chastity, not for sexual reason but for all the massages, foot rubs and help around the house you are now giving her. That is pretty much how my wife views it. Good luck and remember there is no rule book for fetish play so do it in a way that is real world and in line with both of your wishes.

 

That's it. That's the book "How to make chastity work in your marriage". Buy it at stores near you. It's all you need.

 

I find it strange and always have that once women hit that age and decide no more sex that they fail to understand that whilst that is how they then feel, their husbands do not have that cut off point and are then shocked, disgusted and upset when he seeks pleasures elsewhere.

Quite how the OP would broach the subject of chastity i dont know, in a way luckily or unluckily dependant on your view my cuckoldress who kept me locked before still does, a mix of the menopause and long covid has knocked her sex drive yet i suspect that given the right opportunity she will play again.

I also suspect she really knows that even though ive been her cuck all my adult life i still have desires on the female form and the means to get my hands on one should i choose.

Good luck.

 

I understand your frustration, our issue is similar, my post menopause wife doesn't feel the same way about having sex as she did. I have been into bondage since before we met, so that was nothing new to her. i introduced chastity as a way to get over my porn/masturbation and she has been accepting.
Sex and intimacy are not synonyms, but they should be. How we relate with each other and bring each other satisfaction is different and it took time to figure out what it would take for us to mutually enjoy our experience.
There is an answer out there, but it only comes with communication and trust and honesty. Sex with each other may no longer involve PIV, that doesn't mean you don't love each other and yes, you still can have a very intimate physical relationship.

 

What age do women tend to hit this issue (for those that are here and have had their wives stop wanting sex)?

I guess I should start to worry, as my wife is older than I am, and likely to get there soon.

 

Most women start between 45-60, my Wife is 51 and still has not started.

 

From my experience it’s a risky way to make her involved in your chastity play. My lady said that it had impact on her. She traced a change in my attitude to her that “was due to IT”.

 

What does it mean to have an online mistress? Just curious

yeah, but wasn’t your change a positive one? You’d think she’d like that

 

She considered my change - even if positive - worthless, as artificially induced by this technological device. For me technical aids are like medicines, not so important in itself as positive change and level of intimacy achieved by this aid or a pill, for her it meant something false, impersonal, having no value in our relation. For me to be closed means closed for her, thus accentuating my devotion, sign of a unique personal bond with her, for her it had nothing to do with our relationship. Ladies sometimes do not see a difference beetween chastity cage and masturbator or a plug.