An uphill struggle

I sense your pain! I wish there was a simple formula "do w, x and y and z will follow". But life and women are complicated and they go thru different things at differents stages of life. My wife is post-menopausal and we are now empty nesters so we don't have either of those complications affecting my wife's emotional state.

Emily Nagoski, in her book "Come As You Are", talks about a dual control model that women have that involves an "accelerator" - things that turn you on - and "brakes" - things that turn you off - that affect a woman's sexual response. I have more reading to do in this book to summarize her thinking, but here's another thread I started that touches on some of the "brakes" affecting women for you to consider.

 

So, there's good (and bad) advice on the high libido r\HLCommunity subreddit. There's low level and deadbedroom subreddits too - again with a mix of vent, and advice - some good, some perhaps not so good. Everyone's situation is different.
DrPsychMom does some podcasts that provide useful insite into libido differences between men and women, and how it can change over time in a relationship - and why. This may help with perspective and provide insight if yuo're trying something and not getting the result you're after.
I'd also recommend kink-friendly / sex positive couples therapy - even if you don't want to discuss kink a therapist in this space will be non-judgemental if something unusual crops up.

 

Can you share the letter or the gist of it?

 

For god’s sake - stop taking about sex! (Sorry - you’re hurting and you seem like a nice guy but I’m going to channel your wife). Literally everything you do is going to appear to be about your desperation about sex - it’s a catch22. I am super sensitive to feeling like women are treated like sex objects and any of the things you are doing/saying would trigger that reaction (I am so sorry!). The only thing that worked for me was reading about other men’s experiences and what they got out of it (my husband thanks you all), being scientifically curious as to if it was true, and the idea that it was somehow just good for him - make him more focused, productive in his life. If it wasn’t for those articles (someone posted a really good one here), I would have thought it was just another sexual fantasy that I would have to do for him. He tried to tell me how women benefitted him but I couldn’t hear it from him - I had to hear it from other people. I still am perpetually mystified by why men like if (and hence do a ton of reading on here) but we talk a lot and he reassures me that he enjoys other things about it besides the purely sex focused. It sounds really tough but maybe she’d be willing to read something?

 

Yeah, but for a woman it can be hard to separate the word “intimacy” from sex. Perhaps try to focus on non-physical intimacy- like talking about feelings - the opening your soul kind - hopes and fears (like fearing being alone in your old age, fears of abandonment based on past experiences, fear of rejection) - the stuff that’s scary to admit because it hits at the core of why you crave connection. My guess is that your love language is physical touch so not having a physical relationship means you feel rejected and unloved when you don’t get any. Women can often feel empathy for people who are feeling sad and unloved - like an abandoned child or a friend who’s been dumped by her boyfriend - it pulls at the heartstrings. If she’s not sexual and physical touch isn’t her love language it’s going to be hard for her to feel empathy for someone that misses physical intimacy - she just can’t relate. But she could relate to someone feeling rejected in general. Basically talking about the problem (feeling lonely) and not the solution (physical intimacy) could start her thinking of other ways she can help you feel connection besides sex.

Have you read the book “the 5 love languages”? It’s an easy read and insightful - if it’s an audio book maybe she would be willing to listen to it on her commute or on a walk or on a trip you’re taking. That could open up a general conversation about what types of things make people feel loved. Based on the book you could try to guess the love languages of people you know (eg don’t make it about you right away). I know you’ve flat out asked her in the past, but if she’s in a broad sense thinking about love and emotions (like from watching a movie or reading a book) she might be willing to have an intellectual conversation about it.

I don’t know - you situation sounds so heartbreaking and I know you’ve tried so many things - so just trying to help. Do you have any women irl that you can talk to about this? Sister, friend? Or a therapist?

 

Having that discussion should open up you to building emotional, intellectual & spiritual intimacy with her because her love language(s) is probably not physical touch. If you can talk about her love language and begin demonstrating effort to show her unconditional love and communicate with her frequently about issues of the heart, you'll build emotional intimacy and maybe she will then open up to physical intimacy gradually!

Great suggestions @Arlentia2 !

 

If she won’t talk about it you can think about what she “asks” you for most frequently - does she ask you to do things for her (acts of service)? ask you to do things *with* her (quality time)? does she light up when you give her a compliment (words of affirmation)?(based on what you’ve said, I doubt this is her love language), does she drop hints about items she likes (for example when shopping, she might comment on something and kind of give you a look) or get very thankful and smile when you give her nice, special things (Gift giving)? Maybe start writing down when she smiles and engages with you positively, when she reacts happily to something you or someone else does - you might start to see a pattern. You could even try some of these things (give a gift of something she’s hinted at, go with her on an errand or a walk, do a chore she always does, etc.) then keep track - it could be fun, like uncovering a puzzle. Like littleguy3 said, once she starts feeling loved she’s more likely to reciprocate (or at least be open to talking).

 

GREAT advice!!!! I hope many are listening!

 

Yay! Do report back!

 

That's great! One thing I do too is observe what they do for the people they love. Often they'll show love to others based on their own love language. I especially watch that with my kids to understand their love language.

 

Another fantastic suggestion!

 

that's more positive than I'd expected (sorry!) - well done both of you. life is very short & we must all have courage.

a previous Sales Director boss once said to me "I don't want it to be a 'no', (from the customer) but if it's going to be, then can I get a quick no please" ...

 

That's fantastic news! Communication is never a bad thing!

Is your letter too personal to share with us? Maybe we could learn a thing or two from it!!!

 

Thank you for sharing this. Are you going to be chaste while doing this? That might help her believe that your affection is not just about sex

 

I scanned many of the responses in this tread, but I don't recall seeing anything about seeking marriage counseling. A good therapist may be able to get both of you to be honest in expressing the needs and desires of each partner. Also, the wife may have experienced some sexual trauma in her past that she has repressed and that you are not aware of. Until some one can get her to open up things may not change.