Part 2 ~ The Reluctant Dominatrix

The plot is officially lost. You all know how much I hate being dramatic (lol) but it's 5.30 am and I've been awake for an hour.

I wanted to snuggle up to pet, but it just doesn't happen anymore. Actually I wanted pet to snuggle up to me, he went to the bathroom and came back to bed and didn't come anywhere near me.

I'm fed up of feeling so unwanted. We've talked and talked and I still don't get what's going on. The stage I'm at now is where I feel the whole idea of chastity was so that pet had an excuse not to have sex with me anymore for some reason.

pet would say "ok let's forget it all". But I can't.

I don't know if I can't because I don't want to, or because I'll be letting him down.

I always knew I wasn't cut out for this. I let people persuade me that there was a Domme inside me somewhere, that I was this gorgeous Goddess, but I'm not.

I'm just a normal woman who wants what normal women want. I just want my man to find me sexually attractive, to kiss and cuddle me and pester me to have sex.

Since pet has been locked up I don't feel like he's wanted to have sex at all. It's like a huge relief that he doesn't have to any more.

My life hasn't changed for the better through the chastity. pet is no more submissive. I feel guilty constantly because I feel he's expecting kinky play and teasing all the time, and sometimes I just feel like I've been turned into a sex toy and I'm supposed to feed his fantasy and be his fantasy.

I've completely lost my sex drive and don't care whether or not I ever have sex again.

That is also a lie! I recognise the stage I'm at... I got here so many times with hubby. I crave male attention and I'm not getting any at home. I could quite easily start popping into chat rooms, posting some pics, having some guy tell me how gorgeous I am and get the ball rolling for some online fun.

I don't want to. I just want to be back to normal.

Or do I? It's so confusing.

If I unlock pet I feel like I've let everyone down. I am a fake.

Excuse the rambling... it helps to clear my head.

I hate not feeling sexy. I can only attribute this to the chastity and lack of sex and male attention. I'm one of the most sexually "active" females I know. I think of sex, and kinky sex, and all that goes with it most of the time... only recently I'm pushing it to the back of my mind, because I know I can't have any.

This is the opposite of what is supposed to happen, isn't it? I'm supposed to take control and have sex when I want to. But I need the attention first, I need to have pet following me around because he can't get enough of me.

Some men complain that once they are in chastity, their keyholder takes the key and forgets about them. I feel like I locked pet up and he forgot about me.

I'm not sure how to break the vicious circle. One of us has got to do something.

If I unlock him, I will still need time to recreate the lost intimacy, so why waste the lock-up period? Why can't I recreate the intimacy with him still locked up?

Ugh. Big mess. I really don't know what to do.

I wish I could let it go, but I can't. Deep down somewhere I think this is what I want. I feel I've destroyed the fantasy for pet and it won't be the same for him ever again. I think he's lost the view that I will become his powerful Mistress and hates the fact he ever gave me the key.

I can't expect him to go around 24/7 boosting my confidence, but I partly blame him for trashing it in the first place.

I tried to learn, I read the books, I chatted on the sites, I put things into practice... but it was never enough. Once I started pet just wanted more of everything, leading me to think whatever I did just wasn't good enough.

I want to go back to bed, but the way I feel it would probably start a huge argument.

I love pet, and I'm so lost without him. :sad:

 

Thank you, again, the 3 of you for bringing sense to my odd little world!

Thank you also for spending time to express your feelings about what is going on in my life and how you feel about your own lives in relation to that.

I really, really appreciate what you have to say, and it really does help me to make some sense of my life. What would I do without you?

As it happens, pet and I had a heart to heart and decided that we probably do need to give the whole thing a break, this will be a natural and easy thing to do because 6 weeks of school holiday is looming!

On top of this I've had a bit of shock therapy today!

pet and I went to a family party, it was the first time pet had met some of my family and I was looking forward to it.

Things were going ok until there was a sudden bout of shouting, swearing and an almighty CRASH! A fence exploded before my eyes as two grown men smashed through it... female screaming followed and I found myself frantically trying to release the small baby next to me from its rocker chair to escape, whilst pet ran off to find my children and our baby who had toddled off down the garden...

Minutes later I find myself upstairs, in a bedroom, with 15 children ageing from toddler to pre-teen, some hysterical, trying to calm them all down with pet!

The police were called and order was (vaguely) restored, we spent another polite 40 minutes or so catching up, and then headed out!

The birthday boy (and father of the child I'd rescued) had got very drunk and was verbally abusing the party's guest of honour (his brother in law and my 2nd cousin or something!). 2nd cousin had asked birthday boy to please leave and things spiralled out of control. They've always hated each other apparently!

Gotta love familes. pet ribbed me all the way home about how I go on about his family being a bit rough sometimes... I doubt he'll let this one go! :bigsmile:

Compared to that I realised how lucky I am to have my home, my kids and pet, along with my wonderful (albeit challenging) relationship!

Put a new perspective on things. :nerd:

 

Thank you dollyanne... as someone who has worked through her own problems in this lifestyle, it means a lot that you can tell me there is light at the end of the tunnel.

After another long heart-to-heart and expressions of how we feel that what *we* want to do does not fit exactly into the usual D/s stereotype and that makes us feel bad, we have decided to try and figure out exactly what *we* need from this.

This morning, for no apparent reason, and just because things were right, pet ended up servicing me orally, and because that made me feel so sexy and horny, I literally ripped the key necklace off my neck and unlocked him.

We fucked for a little while, enjoying being together again after 30 days and pet asked permission to cum.

I hadn't expected him to, and I sort of didn't want him to ask... but he did, so I say no. :xd:

It was his own damn fault because for those moments I felt we were just being us... no kinks, no permissions.

So a very frustrated pet locked himself back up.

The reason I said no was that now my sexy side has kicked back in, I want to play!

pet expressed worries that this usually happens, and still there is no time for play, so we agreed that he would remain locked up and in My power until Wednesday when the kids break up from school. After that, we will reconsider the whole situation and probably take a break.

Ah well, off to do normal Sunday mummy-type things.

 

Wow - haven't posted for 2 days! I guess I'm slipping back to the world of vanilla.

Spent the past couple of days decorating and running round after kids.

Went to the *other* site and stirred up some trouble. Don't know why! Just felt like it, and if it bumps my signature and promotes our site... well that would be nice! :tongue:

 

tightlockup - I was thinking the exact same thing this morning, how bizarre!

kris - thank you... my life hasn't really been exciting enough to write about (is it ever? lol)

It will be nice to have the kids home. I don't spend as much time with them as I should. :sad: Hopefully we will get to do some nice things, although theme parks are so expensive (minimum 100 entrance for my family!) it makes it difficult.

We are seeing a film next week, holiday week after, will probably hit Chessington as we did Thorpe Park earlier in the year (I'd love to drag them up to Alton Towers - my fave park) I think we also have friends from Shetlands visiting, so there will be something to do each week... then back to school for all of us!

This morning is pet and my last alone time for a long LONG time! I'm not sure if I can push myself to do anything... I might just crack on with the painting, unlock pet later and give him his freedom.

Not sure how I'm feeling. :squigglemouth:

 

Well, as much as I would love to tell you all we had a fairytale last kinky session this morning... I'll tell you the truth instead.

pet took the kids to school and baby to childminder and I tried and TRIED to get myself into some sort of sexy frame of mind.

I tidied the bedroom, I put on and changed sexy outfits 3 times, found lots of toys I haven't got round to using yet and was just fixing things up when pet came back early. His mobile phone had lost charge and I wouldn't have been able to tell him when to come back.

He picked up his spare mobile and headed out.

It just blew it for me. I've had enough. I told him what I was doing was just fake and ridiculous and I wasn't a performing monkey.

We both headed to separate rooms and played each other on the Xbox until I'd calmed down.

I finished my game and went upstairs and slipped into the bed naked. We ended up having sex twice. pet appeared to enjoy himself and it was all nice enough...

We went out to lunch and it just really hit me. I'm not special any more. I'm just me. Not that I ever got the hang of being Mistress and being special, but today I have been completely and utterly demoted to a usual female vanilla being.

I feel like crap, but I'm sure I'll get over it.

I can't even remember how vanilla sex goes. Do I just hang around until pet gets horny and then just lie there and let him get on with it?! Lol.

Ok peeps, I'm off in search of middle ground. As pet would say "some people are never happy" :crossedlips:

 

Thank you xcite... I'm not sure this will be a long break at all.

I have started a "temporary" journal... My Vanilla Break so as to not clog up this one with all the boring stuff!

 

Thank you softy. :angel:

I do see how introducing another person can work for people who are in a very secure relationship. It is something I would love to do, to take the advice of a more experienced Dominant partner, but I have come to realise that pet and I are VERY insecure in our relationship.

We are so desperate never to be apart, but always worried that the other doesn't feel the same way. This is something that will come with time, I'm sure.

 

This Journal is now being locked to further comments. Please message me if there is anything specific here you wish to discuss, or follow my journey through it's next stage... My Vanilla Break