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Part 2 ~ The Reluctant Dominatrix

Discussion in 'Mistress Watchful's Blog Archive' started by Mistress Watchful, May 12, 2008.

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  1. From a sub's point of view (as far as I can tell) ALL attention is GOOD attention... no matter if it's pleasurable teasing or merciless teasing.

    I've spent all evening working my butt off, I am royally knackered and I'm off to jump in the shower and do some beautifying ready for a family party at the weekend.
     
  2. Wow, I know woman take a long time to get ready but 2 days is pushing it :tongue: and I bet you wouldn't even need a fraction of that time to look your best. Hope you have a good time.
     
  3. Lol @ kris... rules of getting ready:

    1) You can't apply fake tan the day you do hair removal because it can irritate and it can also stick in the pores making you look like your body is covered in blackheads!

    2) If you fuck up the fake tan on the day... all is lost! If you fuck it up the day before you can take remedial measures!

    3) If you fake tan too soon to the event you can sweat and it runs! Or it can still rub off on clothes, bags, (babies!) etc!

    4) YES... I do need a fake tan! It makes me look a little bit slimmer and boosts my confidence!

    5) NO... I can't afford a proper salon St Tropez anymore, nor do I want to be naked in front of a slim woman who would be spraying me!

    Didn't feel well this morning... ended up being sick and fuelling the child-gossip-grapevine that "mummy is pregnant". Mummy is NOT pregnant, lol. Mummy had to be reminded by daddy that there is no way mummy could possibly be pregnant given that he has been locked up for 3-4 weeks or so. I had to laugh!

    Everything sexual and D/s is fucked in this house at the moment. This is the biggest tangle we have ever got ourselves into and we are working on getting out of it.

    I'm pretty sure I'll be ready for (yet another) fresh start soon.

    I think we had too much going on and we both hit burn-out. As usual, my self confidence took the biggest hit and I find that hard to recover from.

    Rambling....
     
  4. Master and I on our 2nd fresh start in so many weeks. Each time the intensity gradually increases but life usually makes a habit of getting in the way. It’s a long road but I’m sure we’ll get there. If this site has done as much for you as it has for me then we’re getting close.

    It’s reassuring to know that another couple is having a similar experience to ourselves and it’s always nice to have some one to look up to, like I look up to you and Charlotte.

    I think the biggest hurdle is seamlessly bringing D&s into everyday life without it seeming like a chore. I can’t wait for that day to come.

    I see your point on getting ready. Fake tan always seems to mess up when you least want it too.
     
  5. The plot is officially lost. You all know how much I hate being dramatic (lol) but it's 5.30 am and I've been awake for an hour.

    I wanted to snuggle up to pet, but it just doesn't happen anymore. Actually I wanted pet to snuggle up to me, he went to the bathroom and came back to bed and didn't come anywhere near me.

    I'm fed up of feeling so unwanted. We've talked and talked and I still don't get what's going on. The stage I'm at now is where I feel the whole idea of chastity was so that pet had an excuse not to have sex with me anymore for some reason.

    pet would say "ok let's forget it all". But I can't.

    I don't know if I can't because I don't want to, or because I'll be letting him down.

    I always knew I wasn't cut out for this. I let people persuade me that there was a Domme inside me somewhere, that I was this gorgeous Goddess, but I'm not.

    I'm just a normal woman who wants what normal women want. I just want my man to find me sexually attractive, to kiss and cuddle me and pester me to have sex.

    Since pet has been locked up I don't feel like he's wanted to have sex at all. It's like a huge relief that he doesn't have to any more.

    My life hasn't changed for the better through the chastity. pet is no more submissive. I feel guilty constantly because I feel he's expecting kinky play and teasing all the time, and sometimes I just feel like I've been turned into a sex toy and I'm supposed to feed his fantasy and be his fantasy.

    I've completely lost my sex drive and don't care whether or not I ever have sex again.

    That is also a lie! I recognise the stage I'm at... I got here so many times with hubby. I crave male attention and I'm not getting any at home. I could quite easily start popping into chat rooms, posting some pics, having some guy tell me how gorgeous I am and get the ball rolling for some online fun.

    I don't want to. I just want to be back to normal.

    Or do I? It's so confusing.

    If I unlock pet I feel like I've let everyone down. I am a fake.

    Excuse the rambling... it helps to clear my head. :neutral:

    I hate not feeling sexy. I can only attribute this to the chastity and lack of sex and male attention. I'm one of the most sexually "active" females I know. I think of sex, and kinky sex, and all that goes with it most of the time... only recently I'm pushing it to the back of my mind, because I know I can't have any.

    This is the opposite of what is supposed to happen, isn't it? I'm supposed to take control and have sex when I want to. But I need the attention first, I need to have pet following me around because he can't get enough of me.

    Some men complain that once they are in chastity, their keyholder takes the key and forgets about them. I feel like I locked pet up and he forgot about me.

    I'm not sure how to break the vicious circle. One of us has got to do something.

    If I unlock him, I will still need time to recreate the lost intimacy, so why waste the lock-up period? Why can't I recreate the intimacy with him still locked up?

    Ugh. Big mess. I really don't know what to do.

    I wish I could let it go, but I can't. Deep down somewhere I think this is what I want. I feel I've destroyed the fantasy for pet and it won't be the same for him ever again. I think he's lost the view that I will become his powerful Mistress and hates the fact he ever gave me the key.

    I can't expect him to go around 24/7 boosting my confidence, but I partly blame him for trashing it in the first place.

    I tried to learn, I read the books, I chatted on the sites, I put things into practice... but it was never enough. Once I started pet just wanted more of everything, leading me to think whatever I did just wasn't good enough.

    I want to go back to bed, but the way I feel it would probably start a huge argument.

    I love pet, and I'm so lost without him. :sad:
     
  6. That is one of the problems with us submissives, the more intense the situation becomes the more of it you want. To begin with its like an addiction. Eventually I found that it levels out and you get to a point where you feel satisfied with your submission. I know for a fact its not your fault its just the way things seem to be in the early days.

    Have you both tried to have a proper vanilla break? No CB, No Yes Mistress just you two being a couple again. That in itself may be hard to begin with pet probably wont know what do but it may just help. As a submissive generally you need people to make the first move even in the vanilla world so you shouldnt jump to conclusion about pet finding you attractive.

    In all of your pictures on here you look great and Im pretty sure pet thinks so too. I know Im gay but that makes me even more qualified to spot and attractive person such as yourself :angel:.
     
  7. I can completly empathise with you on this one, I too have moments where i feel ugly, unwanted and miserable. It feels like kris sometimes feels the whole d/s relationship revolves around him with his I want attention, I want to play blah blah blah! I have to demand for my needs get met, I too want that attention, want to be made to feel sexy and beautiful, Why is it so hard for the subs to get this?

    In terms of the intimacy you can still have this whilst pet is locked up, Kris will run a bubble bath for me and give me massages and cook romantic meals, Maybe you could get pet to pamper you with things that make you feel good, this is one sure way of feeling sexy and hopefully if your feeling it pet will think it about you too.

    Failing that dress up in your sexiest outfit and lock him in a cupboard, he'll soon want you then! worked for me and kris
    :tongue:
     
  8. It definitely sounds like you need to have a time out from the chastity. You may be right about the release from having to perform sex on your pets part. I have felt the same thing (but I am much older and sex gets harder for a man as he ages). Having to perform can be very difficult for a submissive person. Maintaining an erection for a long enough period of time to satisfy a woman may involve having to completely submerge one's emotional attachment and totally objectifying the woman. This is hard to do with someone you have completely yielded to, giving up your masculinity etc. I think this is the reason that cuckolding fits so neatly into the picture with chastity. You have said that you're not ready for cuckolding so I think you need to resurrect pet's masculinity and together come up with a plan to enable both of you to navigate through the changing roles that you both seem to need. If in fact both of you are switches you may just find yourselves on the brink of a whole new era of mutual pleasure and satisfaction.
    I know that many in the lifestyle reject the idea that being a switch is an authentic role. The dominants say they could never be submissive and the submissives say the reverse. It's hard enough for most people to locate and get in sync with their D/s personnas without the uncertainty of knowing it is only temporary. This never really bothered me and I feel that I could still dominate someone of the the situation was right, but my partner is more comfortable when she is in charge and that is fine with me.
    Dominants give the impression that they are always in charge and that the submissive's only job is pleasing them. This is part of the territory for them and they know they must hang on to the high ground so to speak. But the reality is that our D/s relationships are not really that different from the vanilla ones because both partners in any relationship must make compromises and often they are compromises that don't make sense to the person who compromises. We have to work at relationships just like everyone else. Even the dominant will not get 100% of what she wants. Happiness in life depends on being able to feel happy with what you have, not in constantly striving for something which may be impossible to possess.
    Sorry to pontificate, but as you know it is my nature analyze everything to bits, and of course it's easier to give advice than to receive it.
     
  9. Thank you, again, the 3 of you for bringing sense to my odd little world!

    Thank you also for spending time to express your feelings about what is going on in my life and how you feel about your own lives in relation to that.

    I really, really appreciate what you have to say, and it really does help me to make some sense of my life. What would I do without you?

    As it happens, pet and I had a heart to heart and decided that we probably do need to give the whole thing a break, this will be a natural and easy thing to do because 6 weeks of school holiday is looming!

    On top of this I've had a bit of shock therapy today!:neutral:

    pet and I went to a family party, it was the first time pet had met some of my family and I was looking forward to it.

    Things were going ok until there was a sudden bout of shouting, swearing and an almighty CRASH! A fence exploded before my eyes as two grown men smashed through it... female screaming followed and I found myself frantically trying to release the small baby next to me from its rocker chair to escape, whilst pet ran off to find my children and our baby who had toddled off down the garden...

    Minutes later I find myself upstairs, in a bedroom, with 15 children ageing from toddler to pre-teen, some hysterical, trying to calm them all down with pet!

    The police were called and order was (vaguely) restored, we spent another polite 40 minutes or so catching up, and then headed out!

    The birthday boy (and father of the child I'd rescued) had got very drunk and was verbally abusing the party's guest of honour (his brother in law and my 2nd cousin or something!). 2nd cousin had asked birthday boy to please leave and things spiralled out of control. They've always hated each other apparently!

    Gotta love familes. pet ribbed me all the way home about how I go on about his family being a bit rough sometimes... I doubt he'll let this one go! :bigsmile:

    Compared to that I realised how lucky I am to have my home, my kids and pet, along with my wonderful (albeit challenging) relationship!

    Put a new perspective on things. :nerd:
     
  10. Dollyanne read Your post of frustration, Mistress Watchful, and wanted to reach through the wires with several thousand miles of long digital arms and give you a big hug and a pat on the back saying, "Everything's going to be all right." And, it WILL be too! It will be all right because You and Your pet want it to be and will work hard to make it that way. It will be all right because You and pet are such good open communicators--You, especially! Not many couples have that advantage. It will be all right because people on here are routing for You and want You to succeed no matter what Your goal is. You have what some call "buoyancy", a condition where cream rises to the top. You are such an incredibly sexy and intelligent woman who owns one of the best chastity sites on the Internet and is about to embark on a Masters program that only a small percentage of people ever achieve. And, You WILL be all right--dollyanne knows it because a little BlueBird told her so, and everybody knows that BlueBirds never lie!

    Curtsey,
    :kiss:
    dollyanne
     
  11. Thank you dollyanne... as someone who has worked through her own problems in this lifestyle, it means a lot that you can tell me there is light at the end of the tunnel.

    After another long heart-to-heart and expressions of how we feel that what *we* want to do does not fit exactly into the usual D/s stereotype and that makes us feel bad, we have decided to try and figure out exactly what *we* need from this.

    This morning, for no apparent reason, and just because things were right, pet ended up servicing me orally, and because that made me feel so sexy and horny, I literally ripped the key necklace off my neck and unlocked him.

    We fucked for a little while, enjoying being together again after 30 days and pet asked permission to cum.

    I hadn't expected him to, and I sort of didn't want him to ask... but he did, so I say no. :xd:

    It was his own damn fault because for those moments I felt we were just being us... no kinks, no permissions.

    So a very frustrated pet locked himself back up.

    The reason I said no was that now my sexy side has kicked back in, I want to play!

    pet expressed worries that this usually happens, and still there is no time for play, so we agreed that he would remain locked up and in My power until Wednesday when the kids break up from school. After that, we will reconsider the whole situation and probably take a break.

    Ah well, off to do normal Sunday mummy-type things.
     

  12. Once a sub always a sub :wink:. It can be hard to let go of your submissive side sometimes, I'm usualy the same when we have a break, our breaks only last a few hours normaily though, we both usualy end up missing our roles too much..
    Im glad youre feeling a bit better about things. There most certainly is light at the end of the tunnel.
     
  13. Wow - haven't posted for 2 days! I guess I'm slipping back to the world of vanilla. :neutral:

    Spent the past couple of days decorating and running round after kids.

    Went to the *other* site and stirred up some trouble. Don't know why! Just felt like it, and if it bumps my signature and promotes our site... well that would be nice! :tongue:
     
  14. I know 2 days! Been missing your writings. Site doesn't seem the same without your posts.

    Decorationg, thats a long way down on my list of things to do, I've got manly things to do like re build my trailer and get a tractor mower running. oh the fun :sad:.

    I expect you'll have 6 weeks of fun, running round after your little ones. Do they want lots of days out and the like?
     
  15. I have an idea. Whenever you are feeling bored or are questioning being a domme, have your pet service you orally. Whatever (if anything)happens after that is up to you.
     
  16. tightlockup - I was thinking the exact same thing this morning, how bizarre!

    kris - thank you... my life hasn't really been exciting enough to write about (is it ever? lol)

    It will be nice to have the kids home. I don't spend as much time with them as I should. :sad: Hopefully we will get to do some nice things, although theme parks are so expensive (minimum 100 entrance for my family!) it makes it difficult.

    We are seeing a film next week, holiday week after, will probably hit Chessington as we did Thorpe Park earlier in the year (I'd love to drag them up to Alton Towers - my fave park) I think we also have friends from Shetlands visiting, so there will be something to do each week... then back to school for all of us!

    This morning is pet and my last alone time for a long LONG time! I'm not sure if I can push myself to do anything... I might just crack on with the painting, unlock pet later and give him his freedom.

    Not sure how I'm feeling. :squigglemouth:
     
  17. Well, as much as I would love to tell you all we had a fairytale last kinky session this morning... I'll tell you the truth instead.

    pet took the kids to school and baby to childminder and I tried and TRIED to get myself into some sort of sexy frame of mind.

    I tidied the bedroom, I put on and changed sexy outfits 3 times, found lots of toys I haven't got round to using yet and was just fixing things up when pet came back early. His mobile phone had lost charge and I wouldn't have been able to tell him when to come back.

    He picked up his spare mobile and headed out.

    It just blew it for me. I've had enough. I told him what I was doing was just fake and ridiculous and I wasn't a performing monkey.

    We both headed to separate rooms and played each other on the Xbox until I'd calmed down.

    I finished my game and went upstairs and slipped into the bed naked. We ended up having sex twice. pet appeared to enjoy himself and it was all nice enough...

    We went out to lunch and it just really hit me. I'm not special any more. I'm just me. Not that I ever got the hang of being Mistress and being special, but today I have been completely and utterly demoted to a usual female vanilla being.

    I feel like crap, but I'm sure I'll get over it.

    I can't even remember how vanilla sex goes. Do I just hang around until pet gets horny and then just lie there and let him get on with it?! Lol.

    Ok peeps, I'm off in search of middle ground. As pet would say "some people are never happy" :crossedlips:
     
  18. Oh Mistress it grieves me greatly to see you write such a comment. You know deep down inside this is not true. Search yourself and you will see you know it not to be true.

    While in the past I think I would try to write something encouraging it is time to grab pet, tie his A$% down and use him for all he is worth.:tongue:

    While this may not solve your problems it will at least give you something to be proud of!

    In all seriousness Take a break, regroup, and reframe. Everyone is special in someway and everyone has something to offer that is extraordinary in some way!
     
  19. Thank you xcite... I'm not sure this will be a long break at all.

    I have started a "temporary" journal... My Vanilla Break so as to not clog up this one with all the boring stuff!
     
  20. Not in the mood

    hi Mistress Watchful, my mistress has been following your blog from oz, she experienced similar mood swings and vanilla desires.The introduction of a third person,her older sister changed my life.Her sister observed me topping from the bottom,she reinstated my chastity,daily chores,discipline and my dress and hygene were regulated to their satisfaction,daily hair and stubble removal,domestic duties performed in uniform.Several weeks of sexual slavery to my mistress followed her sister superviseing.My Mistresses sexual appetite returned my chastity ensured my full attention to her needs,her juices have not stopped flowing. This message dictated by my Mistress,she is sure the content will give you some ideas. Slave marco for my Mistress
     
  21. Thank you softy. :angel:

    I do see how introducing another person can work for people who are in a very secure relationship. It is something I would love to do, to take the advice of a more experienced Dominant partner, but I have come to realise that pet and I are VERY insecure in our relationship.

    We are so desperate never to be apart, but always worried that the other doesn't feel the same way. This is something that will come with time, I'm sure.
     
  22. I think being yourself and finding pleasure in it is essential to being happy. If what you do "feels" fake the trick might be to try things that seem real and please you.

    As to how Vanilla sex goes. Bad 1950s Vanilla sex went that way. Ward and June etc... ;-) Thankfully this is when a woman can be sexual if she likes and its not seen as "abnormal" or odd. You have a horny willing male and sex can be creative as often (or not) as you like. So if your tuned into wearing out the unused toys for gosh sakes go for it but if your not? Missionary position sex is not MY favorite thing but its a lot better then nothing!
     
  23. This Journal is now being locked to further comments. Please message me if there is anything specific here you wish to discuss, or follow my journey through it's next stage... My Vanilla Break
     
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