Why do you need me to force you?

Discussion in 'Chastity and orgasm denial' started by Mistress Watchful, Feb 21, 2009.

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  1. Mistress Watchful
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    Mistress Watchful Dont believe the hype ;oP

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    This is the question I've struggled with since the beginning of our chastity exploration 3 years ago, and I still struggle with today.

    Why can't "you" just be nice and loving and horny every day, out of love for me? Why do I have to lock away your cock and force "you" to want to be nice to me?

    What happened to the days where men just wanted sex all the time and women moaned about it and pretended to have headaches?

    I hate being in the position of being horny and wanting sex and either a) not being able to have it because my partner is locked up, or b) not being able to have it because my partner is in a bad mood/not feeling horny.

    For me the essence of feeling attractive is to be pursued and drooled over with the intent to getting me into bed!

    In the early days of the relationship the guy wants sex constantly, and probably still masturbates regularly... it doesn't slow them down.

    Just some before coffee ramblings...
     
  2. Rachel
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    Rachel Owned by Mistress Michelle

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    Mistress Watchful You answered Your own question. It's not that we, at least me, loves my Wife any less it's that i still masturbate 2 or 3 times a day like i did when i was younger but now if i do that there is nothing left for Her. In this way being in chastity keeps my desire keen for Her knowing that the only way for me to have an orgasm is to keep Her happy. In this way it returns the chase scenario we had when our relationship was new. To a and b. You can have sex any time You desire it after all You have the key to more then his heart now. There are other ways to keep You satisfied, oral, vibrators, etc. You can always use numbing creams, we use orajel, and a climax control condom. i actually have a love hate relationship with them. i love them because i can get Her off numerous times, i hate them because i can't orgasm using the condom and orajel. Just be sure he washes his hands after applying the orajel or he could numb You also and we wouldn't want that. To me there is nothing more frustrating and yet satisfying then the frustrating feeling of not being able to orgasm, then being locked back up, and yet satisfying when i can give myself to Her for Her pleasure. When we are done i feel somehow complete seeing the look of satisfaction on Her face and it also rids me of the roll over and go to sleep male post orgasm thing as all i want to do is cuddle, hold, pet and glow in the fact that i made Her feel good. To b if You think about it there are always times when one partner wants sex and the other doesn't even in a vanilla relationship. Yes in the early days of a relationship the guy always wants sex but men are fickle creatures in that they mostly want what they can't have. In the beginning he couldn't have You or didn't know when he was going to get to have You. So the chase was on. Short of rape the woman is in control of sex from the begining of the relationship and now that You have the key You are in still in control. So in this way chastity is not about changing the relationship but keeping it the same. Now that he "has" you the desire has waned. The chastity belt replenishes this feeling as once again he doesn't know when or if You will use Your key to let him have the orgasm he so desperately wants to share with You.

    subhub/Rachel
     
  3. PuppyMastersPet
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    Good question. My interpretation of the question amuses that you feel the male wasn't very nice or helpful to begin with or after a period of chastity the male starts to only become helpful when forced.

    In my case I would say that I was a good vanilla partner and I'm sure Master would agree, I have always been loving, caring and always tried to help Master out in any way I could. Our roles came about some time into our relationship and we had a healthy vanilla sex life and both found each other sexy.

    When we started playing around with BDSM it was only a bit of fun to begin with but pretty soon it became all consuming for me and became a big part of our lives.

    The problem with submission is that it can become all consuming and take over every thought that goes on in the submissive's mind. When this happens it becomes hard to function properly without the dominant partners input.

    Being submissive completely changes the way the mind works, it's hard to put into words how it feel to be submissive but it's not just a simple as wanting to be bossed around. Submission conditions the mind and brakes down all barriers so what is left is a vulnerable mind which need constant reassurance and guidance.

    Thoughts of sexiness and selfish wants go out the window and replaced with the need to serve and to be told what to do. This doesn't mean the submissive doesn't find their partner sexy any more it just means they way they think has completely changed.

    A submissive would not truly serve any partner it must be one they trust, love and find attractive otherwise he wouldn't be truly happy with his submission.

    The moods are easily explainable because the submissive is so vulnerable a small change in circumstance or situation can throw the mind and confuse the sub.

    What I'm trying to say is the sub doesn't love the dom any less but they love there partner in a different way you could argue a more intense way. With all defences stripped away you are left with the true person no boundaries no mask to hide behind.

    I hope this made some sense I could have done with more coffee.
     
  4. PuppyMaster
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    PuppyMaster Puppy Master

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    I wreckon it's time for a dom to post on this, I guess so you don't feel alone in your thought's.

    Subhubinpa and Kris both have very valid and good points in their responses to your post.

    I too had the same question going round in my head, it was mainly with me 'Why do you need to deny orgasm to find me sexy, to not be able to keep your hands off me?' It did make me feel like I was unattractive and I also thought because the Chastity started so late into our relationship that Kris had gone off me and couldnt bring himself to be horny unless locked away.

    I guess with me Kris has explained the feelings he gets about needing to serve and that him being more loving that way helped alot. Don't get me wrong I still have moments where I feel he's not attracted to me, but I personally am getting over that, i'm loosing quite alot of weight and I feel really good about myself.

    I feel that if you can have self confidence, you don't need to be reasured so much about how hot you are.

    I wreckon a good talk with Pet is on the cards, ask him what he gets from being locked up, explain what you feel, even ask him the question that you asked on the post.

    It really helped me asking Kris, I hope it works for you too

    *Huggz*
     
  5. Ms.Linda
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    Ms.Linda No longer a member

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    I have posed this question to tiffiny many times and the answer is always the same....My force = her freedom. her freedom to be the person she feels she is inside, but is unable to let out under other circumstances. It also means her freedom from pressure. No pressure to perform, no pressure to pursue. I FULLY understand you feelings, I struggle with them constantly myself. Like you, MW, my feelings of validation as a woman come from that feeling of being pursued, drooled over, etc. On the other side of that coin, though, tiffiny says I am never sexier than when I am in control. Double edged sword there!
    Just know that you are not alone!!!
     
  6. Sissy_Aline
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    Sissy_Aline Senior Member

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    Ms. Watchful and Ms. Linda,

    That really is the journey - self discovery, and with relationships, the dual discoveries. Everything is/has two sides (what are the plus and what are the minus aspects), but we hear Your love of being pursued and that is a quality that does go back in time. A Woman's need to be desired or desirable. Your knights are locked up and You hold the keys. Chastity is fun and has it place, yes, however ultimately it is Yours to simply unlock the gate and let things go. The Female has ALWAYS had the control in the relationship - She decides.

    This is a fundamental problem when the male buys into the chastity issue first and needs to convince.
     
  7. disciplinedpet
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    agree on all the time !!

    I have to add my 2 cents on this question that Mistress Watchful has asked. I have to say that in MY Case , i am ready & HORNY 24/7 . I have a wonderful, beautiful wife that i desire ALL THE TIME. She does not have to LOCK me up to get me to desire her! I want her just as i did some 20+ yrs ago (possibly) even more , if that is possible. But the fact that when i'm locked up & "teased " & so close to "kitty" , licking touching etc. ADDS to MY release ! But i want her 24/7 anywhere , anytime, any place ; with all the passion & love that i can give her. Just stating on how i feel & wish with my beautiful Bride of 20+ yrs. what say the rest of ya'll , on this subject. thanks for letting me have my say in this, disciplinedpet
     
  8. Ms Tinks wand
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    Ms Tinks wand Member

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    As Ms Tinks says, I'm locked up until she wants me, and if she wants me every night it is her call. If she does allow me penertration, then it is her chioce as to whether or not I cum.

    I don't need to be tricked or forced into loving Ms Tinks, it gives me plasure to do so anyway, but it make me feel "special". I have a mind of jagged little corners, and being locked up keeps me from catching myself on them.
     
  9. madamsboy
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    madamsboy Looking for a special female

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    my .02
    I still constantly want sex, and find Madam attractive.
     
  10. mikecb
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    mikecb Member

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    MW, this is an interesting question. I must say, I haven't spent a lot of time thinking of it from the Top's perspective. I have to agree with a few of the subs here that we guys are more or less "instant on". We don't need chastity to become aroused. Likewise, I don't think it's a precondition that we have to be in chastity in order to serve our Tops the way they wish to be served. I think in a D/s relationship, that should happen anyway. I think chastity is just another toy in the toybox.

    I think the chastity obsession is really a form of masochism. Our dicks are our favorite toys from the day we discover masturbation, and pretty much stay that way (ideally till we die! lol). To give up masturbation is to give up one of our most cherished activities. It's a little masochistic, and a little romantic, in my opinion.

    Also, from my perspective, I absolutely LOVE the feeling of being locked up. I think it strokes some bondage "itch" in me. When I have a device on, it's quite frankly, somewhat soothing. It feels great.

    I find it disappointing to think that a Domme would feel LESS sexy or validated by having a sub offer to wear a chastity device. From my perspective, it's giving up something we cherish most, to the person we wish to serve. It's an act of faith, trust and love. From my sub's perspective, it seems like that should be so much MORE an aphrodisiac to my Domme, then just seeing me walk into the bedroom with a boner.

    This is a somewhat harsh way to put it, but frankly, rats and cockroaches breed. There's nothing magical about those inborn biological needs we share with the animals. The fact that we, as humans, would choose to suppress that most primal need, and give control over it to someone we deeply care about seems much more profound and significant than simply wanting to rut when provided with the right stimulus.

    So, from my perspective, wearing a chastity device for a Domme is a masochistic way to enjoy a bondage sensation that REALLY scratches an inherent itch, while simultaneously giving my Domme control of the most cherished sensation I have - allowing HER to choose when and if I have that sensation. That feels romantic, and masochistic at the same time.

    Now, a lot of the 'standard fantasies' involve being locked up for longer and longer, forced to do increasingly submissive things in order to achieve orgasm. I think those are just that - fantasies. Reading the blogs of the Dommes who share, it seems that few real life KHs end up providing the fantasies that so many guys dream of. Some women WANT that cock inside them, and with great regularity. In those real life situations, I haven't seen the subs whining and complaining that their Domme's "make them" have sex too much! lol. I think the Dommes that read those fantasies have to keep them in perspective, and remember they are mostly written by horny masochistic guys who are neither IN chastity, nor have a Domme.

    I'm not fortunate enough to wear a CB in a D/s context, so for me it's about titillation. It's basically prolonged masturbation. However, if I was in a D/s relationship, I think the FIRST thing IS the D/s relationship. The chastity device is an accessory to make that relationship more fun, and ideally more profound and sincere.

    Anyway, there's a long-winded opinion for ya! I hope it helps a little!
    mikecb
     
  11. iwearpanties
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    iwearpanties Member

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    maybe as submives or jusyt as people when we try some things we like or dare i say some thing that was good and we climaxed form maybe we get to wanting too and only will climax when in this state of submissive or rasouels
     
  12. Wisone
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    Wisone Junior Member

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    Very good question, Mistress Watchful. I'm not entirely sure how to articulate an answer for it. In my case though, I really love the feeling of not being in control.

    Could I lock myself up? Sure. Can I put on a pair of panties, using my own initiative? Sure. It's just not quite the same though. There's a thrill, when i'm reminded that I have to dress a certain way, lock myself, etc. The idea that I have no choice about it, just takes my breath away sometimes.
     
  13. dollyanne
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    dollyanne Sissy who loves pink frilly things!

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    Dollyanne has experienced that feeling of being pursued and drooled over in a small way since becoming a sissy gurl. One aggressive man wanted dollyanne to "get dolled up" and come over immediately and "suck my cock like a bitch." Another said they wanted dollyanne so "I can turn you into a hot piece of pussy ass!" Needless to say, this was not love, but pure lust after dollyanne in a pink mini-skirt. For a nanosecond dolly felt the excitement as well as the fear girls must experience when being pursued by the "right" or the "wrong" man. Safety and the "right" man are paramount!

    Elise Sutton, in a wonderful article (How To Unleash Your Female Power: And Thus Train The Perfect Male), talks about what happens when the courtship is over after marriage or commitment, and the man who was attentive to win the heart (or other parts) of the lady, becomes non-attentive. That intense courtship love fades. She encourages the use of "power" sexuality, not necessarily chastity, to get that power and attentive male back. Of course, Your lingerie, leather, dungeon, and sex toy budget could go sky high!

    Dollyanne certainly doesn't have to be forced into chastity to be horny or to be attentive. In fact, chastity has not really changed dollyanne in that regard. Chastity does make dolly hornier, especially during those times, like in the morning, when dolly strains in her chastity and can't "get there" and dribbles. But for the most part, during the day it makes little difference. And, dollyanne does chores and things around the house whether she is in chastity or not.

    Chastity does make dollyanne want to be more feminine as it has a certain emasculating quality to it. The desire to cuddle and be soft and loving goes up. Dolly is not turned into a wild alpha male when released from chastity. Since dollyanne is a natural submissive sissy gurl, her spouse would have to find that Alpha male aggressor elsewhere, which in dollyanne's case would mean cuckolding. Of course, dollyanne would need to participate in some fashion to not feel "left out".

    Perhaps chastity is used by some men to relieve the pressure of being the pursuer, to always be manly and aggressive. To some extent, it shifts some of the burden of initiating sex over to the female. If the man is naturally submissive and the woman is naturally dominant, this is probably a good thing. However, if both are submissive, then it can be a problem, as both want the other to take the lead!

    Dollyanne has already forgotten the point she wanted to make! A blonde jumble of early morning rambling! Maybe it is:

    • Target the "right" submissive man to pursue You and drool over You
    • Extend the courtship with that man by using "power" sexuality ala Elise Sutton (which may or may not include chastity)
    • Use cuckolding (with participation of some kind) if that man becomes too submissive, sissy, or unavailable

    Something like that...Or, maybe not.

    Just some early morning thoughts on an interesting question.

    Curtsey,
    :manga_bath:
    dollyanne
     
  14. lauren1fem
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    lauren1fem Gurl

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    These seem like perfectly valid questions that you should be asking your mate.

    Now, if it helps to make him jealous: geez you wouldn't need to lock me (or lots of other guys) up just to be nice to you! Hell, a willing female that's horny? I'm all over that babe! Seriously, step aside dude or get on with the loving! She wants you man, consider yourself VERY lucky! [But honestly MW you'd have to be my wife, instead of a friend!!]

    I wonder: Could this be the one last thing that he has control over in your relaitonship? Sure you can lock him up, throw away the key, jump another man, force him to pleasure you whenever you demand and so forth, but he still owns and controls his emotions and feelings and he can assert them any way he chooses including: be *ugly*, unpleasant, uninterested, going through the motions or just plain unkind. (He could also be nice, and in the chase, and desirous too, but that wouldn't push your buttons as much).

    Perhaps controlling his emotions is the only thing left for him to control in the relationship? If this is the case, then perhaps there are other things he might enjoy controlling - for instance the finances, planning the next vacation, a hobby of his own, whatever.

    I'm no relationship counselor. None of us, so our opinions don't count at all. Yet, it seems like these questions are unresolved in your mind and need to be answered to some extent for you to feel better about all that's been going on. [And seriously, A LOT HAS BEEN GOING ON SINCE DECEMBER.] It's up to you two to figure this one out. I hope that in the end it works out the way both you and he want it to. I'm confident it will.
     
  15. Mistress Watchful
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    Mistress Watchful Dont believe the hype ;oP

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    Wow, everyone has heaps of thoughts on this one!

    For some reason ANY man I've been involved with over a length of time gets to the stage where they have had enough of me and just doesn't want to have sex any more... so a lot of this is down to me worrying that this will happen with pet!

    I must scare men! Married to hubby for 15 years (separated in last 2), guy before that I was with for 6 years. I was kinky from the outset with both, always wanted sex a lot, loved giving blow jobs... I really don't get it!

    I would do *anything*... maybe that's scary? Oh God, I'm an easy slut! Maybe I'm just too available to the men in my life!

    I don't know, maybe I just want sex too much, or with too many frills. Maybe I'm just too needy!

    We are just so unsettled at the moment, I was probably having an off-day when I asked the question - but I'm sure I'm not the only female to ponder it!
     
  16. mikecb
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    mikecb Member

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    MW,

    It's an unfortunate truth that anything can become routine. Fortunately, those of us involved in kink have a larger arsenal of methods to make sex fun, but eventually, there are only so many ways to DO it! lol

    I think the trick is keeping it from getting TOO routine! :evilgrin0036:

    This seems like a perfect application for chastity, in my opinion. If we presume that any guy would get bored after sex the same way, 1000 times... I guess you'd better ration those 1000 out as slowly as possible! ;-p

    mikecb
     
  17. Mark121
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    Mark121 Nobody of consequence

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    One point that nobody seems to have made is that sex means different things to a man and a woman. It seems that to a woman, sexual intercourse is a way of demonstrating the depth of your love and commitment to your partner. To men, however, sex is more of just a "fun thing to do". That is why men are more likely to masturbate than women. It is also why some women view their mate's masturbation as a form of infidelity. Men don't attach as much "deep meaning" to sex. It's just the way we are wired.

    That being said, it follows that men are more likely to become bored with a sexual relationship, even though they may not be bored with their woman. Sexual desire and performance certainly decline with age, and the tendency to fall into a routine doesn't help. My own situation is that I find it much easier to jerk off when I am horny, which leaves me less able and motivated to have sex with my wife. The chastity device prevents me from leaving her out of the loop.

    I guess what I am saying is that I still find my wife sexy and desirable, but sometimes it is easy to become lazy and fail to show it. The CB means that I have to focus on her, even for my own selfish pleasure. I *like* to show her how much she means to me, and the CB keeps me from becoming lazy and indifferent.
     
  18. imbriannagirl
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    imbriannagirl Senior Member

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    Hello Ms Watchful. i've read your post and all of the others since and i'm surprised that it has only been mentioned once briefly by dollyanne.

    One word: cuckolding

    i know many have their views on cuckolding, and may not prefer it, but from a strictly logical perspective, it makes complete sense. Cuckolding allows you to gain sexual pleasure from a penis being inside you, without having to cease any period of chastity that you may be desiring from your submissive. Cuckolding further enforces a level of submission from your pet in a way that is difficult to match with any other activity or requirement. Lastly, and i think most importantly, it addresses what i feel is the crux of your current issue. DESIRE.

    Just imagine having a lover/boyfriend. It could be a weekly affair (no pun intended), monthly, or just ring him up when you feel that "need". My point though, is no matter when/how those needs arise, the feeling of being desired once again... feeling that sexual spark... feeling on top of the world... they all come back to you. And the best part is that once you're done, and you've satiated those desires, you can send him home until needed again, returning to your loyal and devoted submissive. THAT is quite likely when you will most share those moments of the most intimacy with your submissive. The connection between you will be reinforced by his cuckolding & chastity, and the renewed as you cuddle together in bed.

    Simplicity at it's finest... even if it does scare the crap outta me! LOL

    Anyway, those are my thoughts on your situation. i hope my "ideal" version isn't too pie in the sky.

    Please let us know what you do with these feelings Miss.

    Be well,
    brianna :)
     
  19. Rachel
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    Rachel Owned by Mistress Michelle

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    MW wrote I must scare men!

    i wish She would come to the US and scare me. lol

    :slut: Rachel
     
  20. goddessape
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    goddessape Junior Member

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    my answer is that if you men like my husband ,if not locked in chastity,cannot keep their hands off of their wienies!when men cannot touch themselves they have to go to the source as to why which is the keyholder.April...
     
  21. chastitydude
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    chastitydude Junior Member

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    This thread makes me quite depressed that I will never find a woman that enjoys chastity play like I do. In my opinion most women put way to much emphasis on their sexual attractiveness, there are a lot of reasons that a man could love and cherish a woman that have nothing to do with sexuality at all, but if you decide that is the only way to determine a man's love for you I think you are in for a lifetime of trouble and therapy. Speaking for myself, as I get older I care less and less about sex and more about other aspects of relationships. We can't stay 19 and horny as hell forever!
     
  22. chastitydude
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    chastitydude Junior Member

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    Oh and I like chastity devices because I like bondage. I like being tied up and that is one way to accomplish it all the time. I enjoy it alone and I can enjoy it with a keyholder. It has nothing to do with my partner's sexual desirability, I just like it.
     
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