Saga of the Fatkid

Hey, all. I was planning on posting a little more frequently, but 'the bug' finally made it's way into out house in January. I got it first about three weeks ago, then 6 days later Mistress Pam got it. As a result at her instruction I was out/free for two whole weeks. I relocked/restarted last Sunday in the morning. I was guessing that another break-in period was going to be necessary, and I was right. By Tuesday morning I was already starting to feel a raw spot or two from a cage I have spent an enormous amount of time wearing. She is still pretty loose with the key, and I know where it was, so I took it off before work that morning. I took a couple days of only at-home wear including overnight. Timing was good because we had a blistering cold snap here for a few days. I have been back in since Thursday night now, so we will see how the weekend goes. Mistress Pam is unavailable for the weekend due to nature, so removal will be at my discretion for any more fit issues that come along.

I 'played' a lot during my break, which I am ashamed of. Then last Saturday we were fully intimate for the first time since back in October. Normally I am either numb or told to pull out and ruin if I feel it coming. Total coincidence, I had a big coughing fit right after (post-sickness drainage) and never made it back to the bedroom to finish her. My behavior was also off for a few days. I did not get all the laundry done because of laziness, and boy, did I hear about it.

Not a lot else here for now...Back another day.

 

I got shot down, but not in a way you would think. We are starting year #5 of the lifestyle, and I have battled cheap ill-fitting cages that entire time. We are financially very comfortable, so I finally posed the question on if I could invest in a custom cage. Mistress Pam thought about it a few days and finally made a ruling last night. "NO."
We did struggle with money as a young couple, and honestly we still approach life that way financially, her even more than me. Her logic was that even with her job where she burns through a $150 pair of shoes every 4 months, that expense bothers her even though it is a necessity. So a big dollar amount on this she just can't justify.
I did get a blessing to buy another cheap model in effort to improve comfort, though.

 

Well, it seems I have got myself into trouble again. We have implemented a system based on honesty where weekly I confess any instances from the week where I violated rules, failed to perform tasks, or behave disrespectfully. Punishment is of course and Mistress Pam's discretion, so it is not necessarily every time. My confession yesterday did get her attention though. She is still considering what it will be, but has thrown an idea out there.
She started talking about a tight necklace, so I asked if she is going to lock the key around my neck. That would definitely put me in a situation I may have to explain, and cause embarrassment. She said, "I am definitely considering it, but what would keep you from just taking it off?" I told her the necklace with my slave nave on it is essentially a collar, it has no clasp and cannot come off without tools. I have not taken it off for about 8 months.
"Well, that could work. I will think about it some more." I said, so I suppose you will need to have all the keys and locks so you know everything is under your control.
"Yep." I suppose then we will really only need one key then if I will be wearing one.
"Hmm, I suppose so."

Gulp

 

Well, the threat turned out to be idle. I was given permission to buy a couple new cages to try a few weeks ago, which came in a week ago Friday. The key for what I was wearing at the time had been left out for a couple weeks in plain site. So I cleaned up the new equipment and did a check on the keys & locks with what I have for compatibility. All extra keys I put in a bottle of water in the deep freeze in the basement, leaving two keys out; one for her and and an emergency key for me.

Last Monday when I came home her keys were gone with the exception of the loose emergency key in my wallet. I let the topic go for a couple days, but asked for a final decision on Wednesday night. I explained where all the other keys were and asked where she wanted the emergency key, on my collar or sealed in my wallet? (I will explain the collar in a minute.) She replied that taped will do. So I found a random business card, trimmed and folded, brought it to her to sign & date, and sealed it with clear tape to go back in my wallet.

The collar: Before Christmas about a year ago I asked if I could have a slave/servant name. She took it a step further, and presented me with an engraved necklace with a simple bar on it. On one side reads 'Will' (my servant/slave name given by her), on the other the words 'My Servant'. It has been modified to a continuous chain, and I am never without it. It is essentially a collar.

Anyway, nothing real exiting here lately. Nature week is just ending, so maybe things will pick up again this week.

 

So, it has been a struggle for several months, even back into last year. Early in the fall Mistress Pam lost her father and brother in a three week period. She actually weathered this really well. Roughly about the same time her role at work changed, which was a mess until about the end of February. Honestly it is also still a factor and always will be.

We struggle with time together. I am out of the house by 6:30 every morning (M-F), and home again around 6pm just in time to cook. Her hours have shifted. We used to have quite a few mornings every week where she actually left before me, so I would get up with her and provide foot service before she left. Those days are gone, and it has left a significant hole in our regular time together. That 10 minutes in the morning was really a big deal to me.

Now she does not get up until I am gone, and of course waking her is forbidden for any reason. She also gets home later, anywhere from 6:00p to nearly 9:00p. She is not interested in much after work, which amounts to no more than a hug and kiss before I go to bed. She stays up later to unwind and piddle away time on her electronics. Intimate activity at night just winds her up, then she can't sleep so I go to bed alone every night.

Locked and forgotten is what it seems I am approaching. I had a discussion with her one night a week ago. I explained that I was beside her in particular the last year with no waver in commitment to her when things were really bad for her, and now she is in a pretty good place. I went on that work for me is about to get crazy. There are organizational changes and added duties in play that will make it harder for me to not bring work home mentally. I asked for her help on this. I asked her to expect no less of me at home in my duties, and even to expand them. It gives me a way to focus on something important mentally and let work go. She said, of course she will be there for me after how I supported her. I asked her if she was still 100% in and there is no going back. She agreed there too.

Activity is still not there. I was allowed to give one backrub one night when she was sore, and I was allowed foot time for about 5 minutes this morning. I wish I could get her out of the retail world so we could at least have weekends. Late weekend mornings are really the only time I am allowed to serve her intimately, and it has been a month since I was last granted that.

It is starting to feel like life before I proposed this lifestyle over 4 years ago....The whole reason I proposed it.
I am again feeling lonely in a full house.

 

We had a really good week. I actually left things alone and just stuck to serving and fulfilling my promises. Mistress had Monday and Tuesday off for medical appointments, Tuesday being for a root canal. She strangely is really not bothered by moderate dental work like that, and bounces back quickly. Just the same, I assumed that there would be nothing, and looking at the rest of her work week, and nature week starting any day now, that it would likely be a couple weeks until the next opportunity for time together. Continued time locked and forgotten.
I was Wrong!

I was cooking supper Tuesday night after work in the kitchen alone and received a text, "How about an after supper f$&k. Not gonna lie I am so horny right now." Well, I didn't see that coming. From there the texts from her the texts from her only got more filthy. Not only was I shocked, but left straining and feeling drips in my pants while still cooking. Once we got to the table there were so many shared glances of lust back and forth, trying to remain cool and 'normal' with our boy around. Once she finished eating she left the table for her chair as I cleared the table. Our son retired to the office to the Xbox, we both knew once he was in there he would be oblivious to the rest of the house.

I finished and knelt in front of her to remove her shoes, socks, and rub her feet. "I need to take a bath," she said. Should I wait upstairs? "I don't really care where you wait," and she got up and went into the bathroom. I went to our room and prepared things, got toys out and cleaned them, stripped and waited in an appropriate position. I choose not to provide graphic detail much any more, as I don't feel it is necessary to provide porn for other. She did let me out to attempt conventional sex, but I was unable to get hard enough to get in. I provided pleasure enough for her in other ways. Though I did let her down due to the lack of conventional penetration, the scene lasted 2 hours and she still got hers. I was left with no more than a slick of leakage on myself.

I sent her a text before bed telling her how great it all was for me, even though I got nothing. I went on that knowing I have no choice but to accept nothing only makes sure I will always still want her, and that I would to it all again every night with the same result.

It was a mental and emotional weight lifted.

 

...and it continued this morning.....
Mistress went to bed early last night, like 9:00-ish, and she is scheduled for 10-7 at work today. So I took a chance this morning and gently kissed her face at about 7:30. This is generally a big no-no, as the standing rule is to never wake Mistress. She did not object, and we had some more time this morning. She initially thought about having sex with me again because she said I let her down the other night. She changed her mind pretty quick and had me take care of her other ways. She also decided to give a mild punishment for waking her in the form of denying me from performing orally. She got hers again, and off to work she went. It is nice to feel like I have value to her again.

 

Well, been a while. I have had heavy stuff going on at work that took a big mental toll. Bad enough that I honestly haven't even been looking here to see what has been going on with others. It has been pretty intense even to a personal level. Though, other things (FLR/chastity) have not stopped. Honestly these things have helped me maintain normal mentally and helped me get through with the help of my wife/KH.

My former boss left in early April, and another in out department retired the same month. So my everyday best friend and teammate and I both put in for the opening. My fear all along knowing she, yes she, was just superior to me was that she would get it. This stressed me all the way through the interview and selection process because I really have a fear of letting her down and disappointing her. Honestly I didn't care if I got it. We just knew that her and I would be shouldering everything no matter who they picked, so we both wanted to make sure we were going to get paid.

Well, worst case scenario in my mind happened, she got it. I also got a promotion, but now she is my boss. We are close. She knows things about our marriage, not all like lock-up, but she knows about the FLR. She has also figured out a lot of my other proclivities like feet, kink, and that I am submissive by nature. this is what drives my fear of disappointing her.

Then I did the worst thing possible and and googled 'when your best friend becomes your boss'. ....Stupid...might as well be self-diagnosing my own health...What I read scared me even more, most saying how the friendship is best off ending. This lead to a mental spiral I am still working on. I can only really describe it as comparable to grief. I have never given mental health any credible thought, but now I can legit say I GET IT.

Anyway. It is still early in the new work dynamic, but it has gotten more comfortable day-by-day. Fantastically non-typical topic for here, I know. This is why I journal here, to say things 'out loud' for my own relief.

 

I appreciate it. In our case, it wasn't up to either of us but the hiring director above us both.

 

The morning was good this morning. I was let out for a stretch, as long as that stretch in no way involved my own hands. Entry was also discussed if I could manage to 'think' myself hard. Ya, she ended up receiving an hour of digital, oral, and toys for the finish she wanted. I got nothing.
Ahhh, so nice to feel normal. lol

 

My mental struggle with the new dynamic at work continues, but the extreme anxiety I had is getting better. Her (my boss/friend) and I discussed it some. I explained my fears, and she did her best to tell me 'nothing has to change'. I don't know, I still can't help but behave a bit different than I have in the past. She is definitely an alpha, though she does not admit it. She has phenomenal intelligence and self confidence, which is why she was a much better pick than me.

To tell the truth, I have always been intimidated by her due to those aspects. Yes, I admit I found her attractive the moment I met her years ago, but we are both happily married so I would never try to pursue her, and I doubt she has interest in me in that way either. I have had female bosses before, but none of them good. Her, however, I already have a great natural loyalty to from before she was my boss.

I am still struggling in meetings with her to not just naturally defer when her opinion differs from mine. Like I said, smart and confident... And I am a follower. It is just how I am. She has said that she sees us as partners at work, but I don't know if I can talk myself into that. I guess I am in two FLRs now, LOL, one at home and one at work.

I don't know. The after work part is still the scary part. I am still afraid of losing my best friend.

 

The struggle continues. It got worse after my last post, but I feel I am on an upswing now. About three weeks ago I had a 3 day anxiety attack while on a work trip, which led to a really bad spiral mentally. The boss and I had a blow-up on a personal level soon after, caused by me, that went so VERY poorly. At this point everything between us is nearly at a business only level. We don't really talk much other than that, we don't hang out, text, or go to lunch daily like we used to. I have come terms with the fact that we are starting over on learning how to be around each other. I have made peace with it and am moving forward with less mental affect than before. I do really miss my friend, though.

Sadly, it did have an impact to my home life as well. I have been unlocked for a while now, and Pam and I have basically set all facets of the FLR a while. Pam recognizes I have things to work through, and has set me free. I told her if she wants it back, she will have to fight for it. I am not volunteering to lock up or serve anymore. I don't have a lot more than that to say at the moment.

 

Been a while, and I am still struggling. The new work dynamic is still causing me a lot of anxiety. My friend/new boss and I still are not back to what we were before. I am working to accept that the friendship is likely over. I am adjusting to lunch alone everyday like before my friend came back to the company 20 months ago, but the loss of my go-to person is still brutal. We now get along in the day-to-day because I fake it like I am ok at work, but in reality, I am always uncomfortable around her.

On top of that my wife's schedule has changed and we have little time together, intimate or otherwise. I used to have the opportunity to give foot-rubs nearly daily, and now it is once per week if I am lucky. Loneliness is a bit crushing. I am just missing a connection of any kind to anyone right now.

 

Wow, been quite some time. Here are a few summary points on current things..

Work: Had a huge blow-up back in mid-November which lead to me stepping down/back to my previous role. This was a good change. Along about February we (friend/boss) had a long talk and were able to set some things aside and start working as a team again little-by-little. In April I felt we were starting to hit our stride again and she promoted me to a new role that is very suiting of my skill. Then two weeks later she put her notice in and left at the end of the month (April). In a department where there was 6 of us in March 2022, now there is only 3. I really have not moved into my new role as I picked up the bulk of my friend's load, and have not passed off anything from my old role. Somehow, it is still a lot less stressful than last year at this time with the personal anxiety issues. relief is at least on the way with pending offers to backfill my old spot, and a replacement for her as well.

On the other side, I miss my friend. It seems I may have damaged things so badly that she really doesn't care if we speak anymore. I have sent a few texts, but responses are short if at all. I hope I am not someone she doesn't want to speak to ever again, but that seems realistic.

Home: No bones about it, thing have gotten stale. With her new work schedule we don't interact the way we were. I have fallen off on service, and she doesn't seem to care, or at least she is too tired to do anything about it. I am still locked all the time, but I started to question why. I asked her if she still wants to keep this dynamic going, and she said yes. I then put it bluntly that she will have to be present in the dynamic and act like it.

I suggested a formal written agreement with expectations, unacceptable behaviors, and real executable punishments. She has been soft on this in the past as she was not sure if she could be physical in that way. I asked if it would help if punishments were predefined based on the nature of the event so that she would not have to think about it, but just follow what is written like her job as a supervisor. She said that sounded worth trying because she does want to keep the dynamic and let it continue to progress.

Effective July 1 we began under the accepted terms of the agreement. I guess we will see how it goes.

 

Just checking back in. Had a good bit of action this morning. I got let out and we had conventional sex for the first time since Dec.26, 215 days. I was wearing a numbing condom, so no finish for me. She really enjoyed it though. At first she had a hard time telling if I was in or not, though, as she had gotten used to big dildos. But eventually she added a mini-vibe in between us and she got a lot out of it. It made me feel good to please her myself. I told her I would do nothing different if I could do the same thing every day, ending up with nothing for myself but the ongoing craving of serving her.

Another thing that happened today... To take a step back, I got her a cheap heart-shaped key necklace that works on tumbler locks for our anniversary. When she wanted to unlock me this morning she said, "I don't know what you did with the key." I told her use the new one, it actually works. When she had me pull out this morning she asked for the mini and told me to lock back up. I did, and put the necklace around her neck as she worked herself. She had never worn it until then.

When she was done she showered, dressed, and I did her toes. Once they were dry we went for lunch at a local bar & grill. I looked over at her and she was still wearing it, the top of the heart showing. I leaked for the rest of the time we were there. When we got back I told her that the other key is where ever she she hid it, where ever that is. She had a wide-eyed look that told me she isn't sure where it is. I told her if she finds it she can throw it away, as the new necklace is all she needs now.

I hope I am allowed to serve her again tonight or in the morning. Even though the thought of discovery with her wearing the new key in public is scary, I hope she decided to wear it more often...or just never take it off!

 

Been a while again. I have remained locked since the day of my last post with the exception of one time I can remember where she took me out to play for a couple minutes. There has also been no traditional sex since then either. So in summary I am running currently at 141 days locked, and 92 since the last time I was allowed inside her. Maybe that was my one time for the year? I guess we have two more months to find out.

In other news, we have moved into a system of agreed assigned punishments. Some are physical, some are mental/denial based. We started to use the Obedience app for tracking. I found out she is capable of striking me and inflicting pain, and she has no problem doing it again. I was beaten with a large spoon a week ago, and whipped with a belt yesterday morning.

She has also worn the key multiple times lately, though only on days off from work. It has been a mental shift for me for sure. Clearly she has no issue with her position over me. I have a realistic fear of her now for multiple reasons. It is a wonderful feeling to know that what I do matters enough for her to keep track and take action when warranted.

 

Two weeks ago I felt the belt for the first time. It left a mental impression that I feel has caused a shift in my perception of my position in our relationship. Learning that she was capable and willing to 'make it count' let me know that she is more committed to our dynamic than was previously recognizing. It gave me a new sense of fear I have not had before because I know it will happen again without her second guessing herself. It came with an additional stern punishment of extended denial, which I learned for her includes any talk related to our dynamic. The two elements together have been very effective throughout the week. I have been on my best behavior, and felt more compelled to my position below her in service than I have in a very long time.

Another thing that I have realized over the last week is that it is me that is not as committed as I should be. I recognized that I cannot back away and keep my distance from her when she is quiet, angry or tired. I have to remain committed to serving, obeying, and making sure she feels loved. In fact, I realized how I don't profess my love to her often enough. My resolve the last few days has been to keep serving as I have committed to her that I would. No matter if she asks for it or not, I owe her that. Perhaps this new sense of fear has brought this out, either way I feel good about my position with her right now. I feel I am making a difference in her everyday life, with no attention returned. It is what I committed to do, and I don't regret it.

She often is complacent about the key. She did put it away two weeks ago, but basically dropped it in the nearest drawer. I found it right away, but respected the effort for the last two weeks until yesterday morning. When I came back from my morning workout in the cold, I had a really bad ring burn going on and I couldn't take it. I have a cage I use for long term, but got brave two weeks ago and was testing out another. I know, fantastic timing. So I pulled out the key and swapped back to my 'daily driver', leaving the key by her chair. It is a punishable offense and I was being transparent about it, though I did not take advantage and do anything for myself during the swap.

She asked last night when she got home, "Why is the key out?" I explained in simplest terms, and we moved on. When she went to bed, she took it with her and I gave her a couple minutes before I followed so she could take care of it. She Did! I was 50/50 on if she would. After she left this morning I looked in the top 5 obvious places, and it was not there. This is new.

Part of the 'deal' we made a couple months ago was that she would wear one piece of special jewelry (key necklace, anklet, toe rings, infinity symbol earrings) for at least one day a week. It serves two purposes: 1. As a symbol of her power over me; 2. Provides a huge visual tease to me. We have a supper date tonight alone. I wonder if the necklace will make an appearance???

 

The power of the key has hit me hard lately. Recently she put it away with purpose, not just in a drawer. I have no idea where it is. When she wears it outside the house it intimidates, scares, and makes me happy at once. My first thought is that she is owning her role and me like never before, and that there is no way back ever. The next thought is that the key is out there and those that know what it is, just that, know what it is. Then I think that she is happy in her life and I am being who I am now expected to be.

The first thought has a lot of things turning in my mind. It is possible I have already had sex as a husband for the last time. That has been less and less frequent as time passes and it might be just a natural progression. With that, there is also no reason for freedom. Maybe that is over for good too. If it makes her life better, I am willing to give that up for her too. I know I cannot sexually satisfy her reliably anymore not that what I ever did provide compares to what she experiences now. The only thing that it may still offer is an emotional/intimate connection. That is up to her and she never has to say it out loud.

There is no reason she shouldn’t wear it with pride whenever she wants. She has no reason to be ashamed of what it says about our relationship. The key reflects how strong and confident she has become in all parts of her life.

 

The last few weeks of the year has been challenging in many ways.
Just over a month ago Mistress let me attempt conventional sex for the first time since July. Sadly, I was unable to make it happen. I could not perform as opposed to my typical issue of going off early. We tried for quite a while before she ended that part of the event because of her own frustration, and I pleasured her in one of our more typical ways. It had been a long time and I wanted it, which made the experience very humiliating. She has said in the past that the times when I turn her down because I know I will go early that it feels like I am choosing to deny her. I made sure later that day to make it clear to her that I really did want it, and thanked her for the chance. Most times being unlocked during those events is not even offered.

A couple weeks later disaster struck. Her mother unexpectedly passed 10 days before Christmas. A couple days later she was looking for a distraction and I was asked to strap-up and f-her like a real man would. It is always a very emotional experience for me doing that, seeing and hearing her enjoy herself. This particular time that sensory experience caused me to go off in my cage while using the strap-on. I find that much less humiliating.

Safe to say with the burial the Friday before Christmas, lots of travel, planning, and general grief...I took a back seat. I do not hold that against her. I played the supportive role and did everything to comfort and console every chance I had. This last Friday we went back to her home town for two nights to begin the cleaning process for her childhood home. It is only her an one brother left, so still a lot of things to do over the next several months.

I had a realization after the last time she let me attempt sex like a husband, and had been sitting on some comments ever since due to the other events that occurred. During the 4+ hour drive she seemed in a good mood and I asked if I we could talk about sex. She had no objection. I told her how the last time we attempted conventional sex had hit me, and that I have come to terms that those days may be over for me. I told her I could sense her frustration during the event, and she doesn't have to waste her time with that any more if she chooses. I also said that I have come to terms with the fact that being locked could likely be permanent as well. There is no benefit to her. She said she doesn't know if that is what is happening, but it could. I said I know, and maybe it will be a decision she makes or maybe it will just be what happens as time passes. I told her if she decides sex is over for me, part of me would like it to be a bit ceremonious, but another part is not sure I want to know it is happening until it is already in the past.

I did bring a couple items with on the trip she happily took advantage of yesterday morning before we cam home.

End of the year summary goes like this:
Locked since June, 10 with the exception of short play sessions and cleaning (210 so far, definitely my longest).
The last two times to date I had sex were Dec. 26, 2022, and July 29, 2023 (3 times total in 2022, 1 time in 2023).
Planned orgasms allowed for 2023 - 12. Actual - 23 (includes everything: nocturnal, caged ruins, forced by her, and poor behavior in the 1st half of the year).

 

Life continues on. Her grief is subsiding, and she is pretty well back in the swing of life. Hit a bit of a milestone today. It has been 183 days since our last conventional sex, and currently at 232 consecutive days locked. I will say the 183 day milestone is not a first. We went 215+ days between encounters in both 2022 and 2023. The 232 is definitely well past any streak before. Over the last six years I have always run into soreness or a business trip or some other occasion that warranted release, but not this streak.

Based on conversations we have had (last previous post) and the events of yesterday I'd say it is in no jeopardy of ending soon. She had a fantastic time yesterday morning receiving from the strap-on, which also yielded a caged ruin for me too during. Just listening to her enjoy herself coupled with the motion is enough to get me there. When it was done she literally thanked me, which is out of the ordinary. Then went on to say with a chuckle, "Guess you found a way to get something out of it. Ironic, since the key is not even on this floor of the house and it wasn't going to happen any other way." She has no issue being selfish when it comes to sex, which suits me fine.

I am not sure how I could have made it even more only about her.

 

246 days locked, 197 days since last traditional sex and it appears it may have been my last.

With an empty house yesterday we had a fantastic session. Well, she did. She knew she didn't have to hold back and she screamed to multiple climaxes, and even commented mid scream how great it was to be able to. It was really great to watch. I ended up with nothing but a great show, which I have no issue with. She also was willing to wear an ankle bracelet for me, some sexy fake tattoos (ankle & collar bone), and her key necklace. All in place before we started so I could enjoy the view while we played.

She dressed up fancy for the day with some leggings and a v-neck sweater which put many of her decorations on display. At home later with her bare feet showing one of the tattoos, anklet ,and painted toes, I was fawning over her all day. I told her how sexy the tattoos are and that I would let her put anything on me or even pierce me if she got one. "Not gonna happen." Oh well.

We then took a drive to a bigger town for lunch, as we were treating yesterday as our St. Valentine's Day. During the drive we talked about where we are, and she said we have been at this so long it is all natural to her now. "It has been so long I don't even think about it being any other way. I don't remember what it was like before, but I know we are not going back."

We discussed intimacy, and agreed on many things as the current state and path forward.
1) My locked state is now permanent.
2) Due to my size and inability to perform, my parts are no longer necessary or of interest when it comes to sex.
3) Orgasms outside the cage are no longer allowed unless induced by her. Caged ruins and other spills that happen naturally are fine as they don't impact the service levels she expects.

I also asked if I could upgrade to high quality equipment since it is permanent, and she had no issue with it in contrast with the past.

I love where we are and she does too.