Saga of the Fatkid

Well, got the job thing squared away, started two Mondays ago. I was sick as a dog the week before with a head cold. Then late last week my love got it, and is still working through it. On top up that, I am back to work days, and she has had a lot of nights and weekends (f'n retail). So our time together has been really limited, needless to say, no action of any kind lately. It feels like we have been mutually slipping in our dynamic lately, but we have hardly seen each other. So really, are we? Not really sure how to judge.

It has been f'n cold here lately, so I made a judgement call Monday night and unlocked. It is not like she would know or probably care anyway. I have been going to work free, but putting on the old HT2 clone at night...cause, why not? Once it warms up again I'll go back to my regular full-time steel.

I am thinking about getting a shorter cage, though. Wearing dress pants instead of jeans everyday, I'd rather have a less conspicuous profile. I'm also interested in trying out a different style of ring, just to see. The cages I have use the heavy A-style ring (such as the A271), and I'd like to see if some of the other styles are lighter in weight altogether.

 

Really? I haven't posted since 2/7/19?. Guess I better fix that. I am going to put up some posts put together in order to get my story up to speed. Stay tuned.

 

Written 3/3/2019 -
We had a long discussion lately about who we are, where we are, and what we expect. It was not a comfortable or enjoyable conversation, I'm not going to lie, but important understandings were gained by both of us. The large portion of why we were having the conversation was my feeling that I have been on my own doing everything in my role of our FLR pretty much on the honor system. There was really no activity or accountability from my Love. If I stopped everything there was no consequences for the whole or any of the minor actions.

I made an appeal for her to make me accountable for things, to motivate me to continue. This is where I learned that from her perspective our current dynamic only existed intimately. She did not attach it to other portions of our life. She did not equate chores, things she has told me to do, or even the little things as being things that could be used for judgement/measurement of my performance.

"So you want punishment. But what is that? I don't know what you want to happen? I mean, what is the point of taking away something that we aren't doing anyway? It is not like we have sex all the time."

She had me there. I didn't have an answer.

After some thought and conversations with others, I think that she doesn't really understand the possibilities of what I have offered her. I also think that perhaps I may have made it so easy for her that she doesn't realize that she needs to put effort in from her side outside the bedroom. I had given her some articles and books to read over a year ago, but for her own reasons she did not read them. I think this may be some of the issue now.

I am going to make an appeal to her to see if she is willing to read and learn now. I have also come up with a list of things to define what how I think, things for her to use to keep me moving in the direction she wants. It has things ranging from motivators, erotic torture, actions both public and intimate for her to express her position and power over me, and of course some suggestions for punishment. I will tell her I have it and will give it to her if she wants.

What she has repeated in short talks since then is that she doesn't know what I want, how I want her to express control. My reply was that I am trying had to not lead, but to show her what the possibilities are. I also said that the "how and what" need to be on her terms or it will she will never be comfortable.

What I did do was write out a list of things that seem common as far as actions to convey control, both intimate and everyday. I told her that eventually she will have to "keep score" and determine for herself if she is being served properly, obeyed, and made happy. If not, then for the dynamic to be sustained and grow she will need to correct me. I gave her a list of possible punishments for her to consider of varying degrees, again both intimate and domestic.

I was clear that I do not expect these things, they are just a tool box for her to use how she sees fit. I also was clear that I do not have an deadline or expectation of when she reads this.

I guess I will find out.

 

Written 3/18/2019 -
The other day while stuck at home together we had some alone time in the morning. It started with cuddling, then her forcing my hand up her shirt. Then the bottoms came off, then the top. I was told to kiss all of her, but not her lips, nipples, ears, or between her legs. Sure! I can work with that. Along the way she rolled onto her belly and had me kiss her back. While I was, she started talking and she was all in. All of a sudden I hear, "I don't think you want to F' me. No, you don't want to F' me." Holy crap, she was instantly in my head. I instantly wanted out and to be in her.

I did get let out, but the other thing I find important was after we were done. I asked If I should lock back up or not. "Ya, you should. It is what you want anyway."

When I asked her then next morning what it was like for her, "I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it."

I also said that when I asked if she wanted me locked that if she said no and wanted to stop I would take it off and it would be done until she decided other wise. She said, "No, I stand behind my decision."

It made me feel good about us. I had been needing that for a couple weeks.

 

Written 3/19/2019 -
I got woke up at 430 this morning and told to rub her feet and legs. I complied, and didn't even try to spur any other action. I was so tired at work I snuck in a 15min nap at lunch in my front seat. I don't anticipate anything tonight due to a college BB game being on in a while we both want to see.

Written 3/21 -
Well, today she had the day off, and she finally read what I wrote a couple weeks ago. I know she was apprehensive, thus waiting to read it. Her initial reaction was "it was not bad at all, mostly stuff we have discussed before." She said she is going to process it. I guess I will find out what the new path is in due time.

Written 3/22 -
For now I am sitting back and keeping a distance. I am not even attempting anything intimate unless she provokes it. history has proven that I end up pushing my agenda and getting in trouble, so I am trying very hard to NOT. I will keep up the normal duties, but am sure as hell keeping my mouth closed. Again I wait.

 

Written 3/26/2019 -
Got notice of my first official punishment via text this morning.
Two weeks ago, after being locked most of the time for over a year, I had my first wet dream while locked. Not sure why, but it happened. Well, it happened again this morning, only this time I was spooning my Love as we slept. I made a mess all over her rear and the sheets. I got a text about 8:30 this morning that said, "You said yo wanted punishment. Well for what happened this morning you have to keep from fondling me for a week. You can still give me footrubs and kisses. No touching me." I told her I accept whatever else she decides to do to me too.

Here is the significance of this to me. In the past, she would NEVER give second thought to something that is a matter of biology/nature that I obviously can't control. She would say just that, "I can't hold you accountable for something you can't control..."

Clearly she is thinking about things differently.

*gulp*

Honestly, I am encouraged by this reaction from her, and I will show you why. This is an excerpt from what I wrote her several weeks ago.

"An important part of “keeping score” or making sure I obey is to have a plan for consequences. It doesn’t have to be for every individual thing or even important things. It can be random so that I treat everything as important. Don’t be afraid to demonstrate your position and power over me. I am willing to accept punishments from you for things I fail at."

I am guessing this will provide context.

 

Written 4/12/2019 -
I'm trying to stay positive mentally, and optimistic that the weekend will include some private time. We will see. With the wonderful world of random retail scheduling, she has to work until 8 tonight, back in from 9-6 tomorrow, and 11-8 on Sunday. Keep in mind there is 30-40 minutes of transit each way. Sunday morning is probably our best shot, but even then, we will need to be finishing up activity shortly after 9 so she can get ready to go.

Another issue her schedule creates is that our personal hours just don't really jive. I'm an early riser, particularly during the week, which means I fold up and night at a pretty conservative time...usually around 10p. she, on the other hand, night owl. She rarely comes to bed before midnight, not even just to cuddle a little.

A definite sore spot for me is the amount of time she spends on electronics. She ALWAYS has either her phone of tablet in her hand. In the past we had a mutual curfew of 8p for electronics. Even then, her version of it was that it was only in effect while I was there. As soon as I went to bed, she was right back on her games or what ever. Lately I have proposed restarting this, but she does not seem to agree. I admit a lot of nights the curfew time is only minutes away, or long gone by the time she gets home.

It has been over 4 weeks since we have had time together beyond a foot rub. Between her 10 day cold followed by functions of nature for an additional week I certainly don't hold it over her head. These are thing she certainly can't control. Just the same, between the electronics and her hours just being different than mine, I am feeling forgotten.

I guess we will see how the weekend goes.

 

This brings us up to current.
Written 4/15/2019 -

We had a good weekend. some quality time together late Saturday night. I didn't perform well, but she got what she wanted via help from toys. We had some more time Sunday morning which ended up being more sex, with a performance of my own I felt good about. We did talk a little. A lot of the conversation ended up being about why it went well the second time, but not the night before. Anticipation is definitely part of it. She suggested that perhaps I should be desensitized be for hand "manually" to get my mind calmed down. I gave my feeling on why that actually is the last thing we should do. Her next comment was that she could definitely be serious about having sex much more often, and maybe that would help me build up tolerance. I said that idea concerns me too, as it could impact me mentally and could effect the princess treatment she likes so much. She replied, "I never said anything about you getting off." Didn't see that coming.

She was getting dressed and I asked if I could stay out for the day. "Pfft, I don't care."

Then she parlayed on it....

"How about this? Being locked up will be your punishment, since you said you want punishment." I replied that I only asked that she take a bit more control. "I think that is what I will do. If you perform well (as in not spill right away), you can be out for two days. You spill, you get locked back up."

...All on her own.

What just happened?

 

Well, it is what it is. I have come to terms with the fact that I need to better follow my mistress's wishes. In doing that I am taking a break from being locked up indefinitely. If there is a place for it in our life, it will be up to her to decide. I unlocked, and gave her the keys to hide away as she sees fit. I hope it is not forever, but that is not up to me.

I'll likely be scarce here unless these sort of activities start again.
It was fun, all.
I hope to be back with a new saga some day.

 

Well, I am back, and I am locked, and I have no key. I has been a sequence of events that started several weeks ago. I have this down in a diary, so i will build time codes in as best I can to signify the passing of time to current.

5/2/19 -
Okay, so the major cause of my internal struggle is performance in bed, not news to some of you. It really bugged me when it happened on Sunday, and it spawned a written letter to Pam letting know of my struggle and insecurity with this issue. I recognized that a lot of the issue is pressure I put on myself, and that some unrealistic expectations of where we are and where I hope to be. I decided that it was time to take a step back, which was the decision to unlock.

We still haven't really touched base with each other to define the road ahead. Actually, something more important came up yesterday that we are handling first. Truth is my wife has been offered a promotion at work unexpectedly, and of course that took the mental center stage.

In the letter I did detail that I do like being locked-up, because of the focus on her it gives me. I also said that I have no intention of taking a step back on my role serving her in our relationship. I told her that the keys are her's to control, same as ever, and what happens with them is up to her.

I know that is thin detail, but it is that simple. I am ready for the journey with her, I just need her to show the way to where she wants us to be.

5/10/19 -
Here is a summary of my house lately. As some of you may know, Pam was begged to apply for a higher position at work. So last week she did. Last week was also "nature week" so no action. Monday Pam had a quick oral surgery including a couple stitches in the roof of her mouth, from which she is still recovering. Today she was formally offered and accepted the promotion. So, it has been mentally "busy" for her lately. She seemed in a good mood last night, so I inquired if she would be willing to cuddle and talk for a while. "No. I'm not avoiding you, but I don't want to talk tonight....

So there we are.

She has to work really early (for her) tomorrow, but she has Sunday off. I guess we will see what Sunday morning brings.

5/14/19 -
We did have a discussion over the weekend as I guessed we would. It was not forced, it was a pretty laid back talk. She had tasked me with coming up with a way to perform better, so I made my suggestion. I proposed that she should try handling me more often so that I get used to her touch again. I explained the most basic principles of T&D, only without referring to it as that...the idea that just handling me even for a minute regularly, enough to get me stirred up and then leave me to simmer. She seemed like this sounded pretty do-able.

I asked if she had any over-all thoughts to share. She replied that she did not and that it would probably work better if I just asked questions, and to go ahead and ask away. It was a few days ago, so I don't remember everything, but the topic of lock-up did come up. At one point she genuinely asked if I wanted my keys back. Without hesitating, I replied, "No, those are yours." I expanded on it saying that yes, I enjoy the feel of being locked up, but it is completely up to her if that happens. It should be only if she wants me locked up, it is for her own reasons, and on her terms. The reply to that from her was, "Let's see how the increased handling idea goes, and let life settle in a bit with all the recent changes before we do anything with that."

There was intimate action that night too, but the detail of that is not relevant.

I felt good about the encounter when it was done, and would judge myself as up the last few days compared to last week.

 

Continued----

5/18/19 -
So, while bored at work yesterday I came up with an idea to see if I could get Pam to engage. I wrote her a letter proposing a 2 week lock-up, ending when I leave for a work trip on 6/2. Of course I laid it all out heavily in her favor, with rules being whatever she wants. I did ask that if she knows in her head it is a no right away, to just say so.

She was so wiped out last night she did not get a minute alone to read it before falling asleep. She did read it this morning. I was out of the room while she read it, but when I came back in the room I got a reply of, "Let me think about it. Now, get back to that footrub." Not gonna lie, I was almost planning on a hard, immediate 'NO'.

I let the day pass, got a lot done today. Three of the four of us got haircuts. Pam let them take off about 7 inches! I sharpened the blade on our mower, then mowed. After supper and a shower tonight I asked if she had made a decision, or if she had even thought about it. Answer was, "no decision yet." Me-"Or have you even thought about it?" ...Which would be her classic style, ignore it until it goes away. She said, "I've been thinking about it."

Again, not a 'no'. She has gone to bed for the night again, so I guess it will be at least one more day.

5/21/19 -
Last night I decided it was time to push, win or lose, time to push and know what the direction forward is. With school being out now, and both of us needing o get up early, it seems like our kids are ALWAYS around. This makes conversations really tough, particularly when it just won't quit raining. I took the alternate route, texting.

me- I really what you think, Ma'am. Have your really not decided, or are you afraid of the answer that you came up with?

Her- have thought about it but undecided.

Me- Can I try to convince yo? If you haven't said no yet, part of you must be up for at least the adventure of it. I think you are either scared to admit it to yourself that you want to try it, or you don't want to answer because you think I will feel let down or rejected. I am not afraid of that. I am more afraid you won't answer at all.

That is where it got left with no reply from her. I went to bed, she followed 2 hours later. We both got up at 5:30 so we could car-pool to work. Right before I dropped her off I told her I was sorry about what I had said, that I lover her and don't want to lose her.

"Ha, you are stuck with me forever, buddy."

Right before supper I was in my chair having a chat with Givitup about how even poking her with a stick seemed to do nothing. Then all of a sudden a text comes across.

"So I decided I am going to play in to your proposal and give you your keys back. Don't ask my thoughts or why I chose what I did. I do not know why. Maybe just feel like playing along."

I am not locked yet sitting here now. I don't know if there are rules or expectations.

I just know that I am not alone, and that is worth a lot.

5/23/19 -
When I went to bed Tuesday night, to my honest surprise, there sat the keys on my bedside table. I did as I assume was expected and locked up, returning the keys to her table and went to sleep. The alarm went off at 5:20 the next morning. I rolled away to catch 10 more minutes, but was called to 'come cuddle' for that time. It was nice. The next alarm went off and we both started our morning routine. Once we were all dressed and pretty well ready, I went and grabbed the spare key. I had her sign and date a piece of paper which I then wrapped around the key along with an unnecessary amount of clear tape. When I was done showed her what I had done and said now she would know if I use it without permission. She actually gave an affirmative response, indicating she was in favor of the idea. I told her the other key was left on her table. Then she messed with my head, "I suppose you could have a real problem at the airport if I decided to leave that thing on you." That essentially produced an immediate drip of panic. I tried to coolly reply that I would find a way to deal with it. We got in the car and left after that. During the drive I had to ask if she intended to hide the other key, historically she has not. "Of course, I just couldn't do it with you in the room! I don't want you to know my hiding spot."

 

That brings us up to day.
The keys sat on her table for quite a few days. In the middle of the night she got up to go to the bathroom and let the dog out. I needed to get up too so I used the other bathroom near the bedroom. The dog ended up being a few minutes, so when I came back in our room knowing it was empty and flipped on the light. To my surprise the keys were gone. Gulp. This is the first time since all this started last February that I really have no access to a key, and no idea where it is.

This morning when her alarm went off for work at 5:20, I asked if she wanted a cuddle or footrub. The answer came back footrub. As I was there doing my duty with her cute little feet, the familiar drips started to build and seep out. In the middle of it was a sudden realization and panic.

I am not in control.

 

Hey, folks. I am still around. I have been posting elsewhere for a couple years, but feel it is time to perhaps start here again. I never really left, just quit posting here to avoid the purists. Now that Pam and I are several years in, I don't really have that concern. What I am pondering now is to either fill in the gaps from the last 2.5years in full, or just do a summary and focus on the current.

Feedback welcome.

 

I decided I am going to do an 'Us in a nutshell' summary, and important events from history may get filled in during the course of other posts in the future. No longer than this thread is, I don't see a point in starting another.
So, here we go.

We are approaching the 4 year mark since I first submitted to my wife/mistress/keyholder, Pam. Intensity has picked up little by little as time has passed. While she is still not a fan of cages, she has come to have use for it and the behavior control it holds. I am not going to bother with the 'P' word, but normal for me is almost always locked. She has little patience for poor service or a smart mouth, so per her instruction I am always locked. I'd say this year I have been in the wild less than 20 days total so far this year.

Pam still likes traditional sex, but I have struggled for many years even before chastity to satisfy her that way. We do have a strap that is used occasionally. Most often service to her begins manually, and ends with toys. The larger basis of our relationship is the service aspect. I frequently provide foot-rubs, and if I am lucky get to kiss them in worship to her. This is actually a required service any day we get up at the same time for work, or if she works earlier than me. I kneel before her for this service.

Mistress Pam has gotten very good at manipulating me verbally, particularly during intimate times. In the moment she instill fear and humiliation well enough to leave me speechless and sometimes in a bit of a panic from her comments/instructions. Outside the bedroom, she also can instill fear with just a look when I say something she does not appreciate.

She is still quite vanilla while in public, but shocks me every now and then. About a year ago I asked if I could have a slave/servant name. She took it a step further, and presented me with an engraved necklace with a simple bar on it. On one side reads 'Will' (my servant/slave name given by her), on the other the words 'My Servant'. It has been modified to a continuous chain, and I am never without it. It is essentially a collar.

I think that should do for now to get going again.

 

When punishment results in more punishment...

Earlier this week, I got in trouble with Mistress Pam, which I will circle back to. We ended up having a conversation surrounding her dealing with some grief, and that she had been distant. She asked at one point if I were to rate on a ladder scale things that would be extreme to ordinary, what would those things be and where on the ladder. I knew right away that a list of not necessarily thing I like, but things I am curious to experience at least once would be difficult to put in any order. I said I don't know. She told me to make her a list and give it to her later. At the end of the conversation, she said my punishment would be to find some entertainment outside the house for us for Friday night (last night).

So, I set about it like an engineer and basically did it like a Failure Mode tool (FMEA if you are familiar). I started with identifying the events. Then assigned them a severity to me 1-10, type of control 1-10, and a factor of personal risk based potential long term consequences 1-10. I then multiplied the three numbers of each and sorted first by total score, then by severity rating. It ended up to be about 30-ish items.

Circling back to the punishment now. I found a local playhouse production with a showing that had promise and one place with live music. We opted for the play. As we drove the 20 miles for dinner before the play, she was on her phone almost the whole way and basically did not say a word to me the whole way. This was pretty demoralizing. At supper I asked if I could say something honest, which she permitted, and I told her how I felt about it. I got a stern glare and the angry statement, "I was looking up where we were going." I lowered my eyes and apologized for being disrespectful (in public, no less). The fact was that the play was still almost 2 hours from starting, and why did she need to look it up then instead of being mentally present with me? Of course I didn't dare bring this up as a point. We got done with dinner with a ton of time to spare, so we went and walked around a store for a bit to kill time.

The play was good, then we drove home. She was tired and fell asleep for the entire 25 minutes home. She went straight to bed, but it was 10:30, so I was not far behind. When we woke I kissed her a little, just pure clean affection, nothing hot. Per our agreement, I informed her that I had experienced a sex dream this morning. "Well, what was it?" I dreamed you had locked spikes on me and tortured me until I came in the cage. "Did you like it?" No, it hurt and it was scary.

I went on with some pillow talk. Mistress, I believe I deserve punishment for last night, for the way I spoke to you. "You asked permission, and were not wrong, I was on my phone but I was not playing a game ignoring you." I know, but I was disrespectful in how I spoke, and it was in public. I agree. I asked to kiss her face again, and we did for a few seconds then she got out of bed. She pulled out the key, slapped it on the headboard and said, "Here is your punishment." I asked what she means. "You will put the spikes on. They will stay on until at least Tuesday night. After that I pretty much wont see you the rest of the week (working nights)."

So here I am.

 

LOL, that is actually what I do now.

 

Well, I survived my sentence with the spikes. I was glad to be given permission to remove them. I asked when I was done if I should leave the key on her nightstand or hang it on a numbered tag. She said hang it. Historically she has been complacent with putting the key away, and I have taken advantage of it and gotten in trouble. So i few months ago I came up with the idea of fastening the key to the back of our wall-mount TV in the bedroom with a numbered tag. She liked this solution. I send a picture of it with number visible so she can determine if I have been unfaithful.

 

The week was calm post spike removal Tuesday night. Mistress Pam was scheduled closing shifts the rest of the week, so I was in bed before she got home each night. I am an early riser (for an office guy). Saturday morning was what I was hopefully waiting for. Aside from a 2 minute release to attach spikes a week ago and a two minute release to remove them, I have been continuously locked for 4 weeks with no breaks or even edging for that matter. Well, I guess there was a morning foot-rub with spikes on last Sunday that was not so much edging, but just torture.

Anyway, we both slept in Saturday morning. I got up at about 6:00 to let the dog out, shower, and shave all necessary areas nice and smooth. I was hopeful to be allowed to pleasure her, but at that point it was still undetermined. After I cam back to bed and slept some more. Later I was awake, but just spooned her quietly, hoping. I new I didn't dare let my hands get me in trouble, so I stayed very still and just enjoyed the warmth. Soon she stirred, and asked the time. Then her feet went to work, her soft toes drawing circles and tracing my own foot, slowly moving up my leg.

She got up and went to the bathroom. I heard the shower start. She took no clothes with her, so it was an easy guess that something was about to happen. When I heard her finishing up, I went and kneeled in the corner waiting. When she came in, she told me to come and sit on the edge of the bed. She had nothing but a towel on. She pushed her cleavage at me and asked, "Do you want these?" May I kiss them mistress? "Sure." She then told me to get up on the bed. She crawled up on my lap still with the towel, straddling my legs, and sat her warmth on top of my cage and kissed me passionately. "Do you like that? How does it feel?" Oh, Mistress, I can feel your warmth and wetness. Things progressed, fingers, toys, oral for her, and a moaning 'O'. For me, a few excited drips was all. It felt so good to serve though after 4 weeks.

We went to town for lunch and groceries, just the two of us. We talked a bit about the list I had made at her request. She said there was nothing surprising on there. She said no, it was all stuff I had mentioned at one point or another, but knowing how big a deal some of them were was interesting. I asked if she was going to be doing any of them. She replied that she probably would, but has not looked at the list since the first reading.

Later in the afternoon she allowed me to paint her toes, I went with a hot pink which is one of my favorite colors on her. I also massaged her feet a bit and she let me kiss them. Later in the afternoon I came over and started rubbing them again. "No, you didn't ask first. Your foot-fetish does not entitle you to them." I was a bit shocked. She had called me out. I was already on my knees. My head bowed and my hands went behind my back. "Yes, Mistress, you are right. I find women's feet very attractive. I am sorry if this is disgusting to you." She laughed at me, "It is fine, it is not like I mind." When I went to bed for the night I sent her a text congratulating her for playing the foot-fetish humiliation card so well. I also told her that I hope she uses it to her advantage often. I thanked her and said that I loved very much, and that I love my place at her feet.

 

Well, another year closes and another begins. We were on a family trip for NYE which included a hotel stay with our kids in the same room. While I was not unlocked, there was no opportunity for intimate activity. Sometimes the situation dictates what is reasonable, so no use giving it thought.

It has been 8 days since last release. Mistress Pam let me out on 12/23 as a pre-birthday gift, which I used to my advantage. It had been a month since last release and spill, so I did take advantage as much as it made me feel a bit unfaithful to her. I locked back up the morning of 12/24. Christmas morning I was given about 15 minutes to provide oral, but no release. I looked back at my 'Days Since' app and it has been 70 days since the last time I was allowed conventional sex. That doesn't look to end soon.

She gets off hard on toys, something that she has never achieved with my body. Frankly, I am small for one, and secondly prone to spills most often before I am even able to enter when she allows it. Essentially, it is pure luck if I make it in and last more than 3 strokes. We had a conversation a couple weeks ago where I asked based on my inability to perform reliably anymore if there was any reason for her to let me out anymore. She replied that she was not ready to admit that out loud yet.