Our Story

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  1. Hubby&Missy
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    Hubby&Missy Love keeps us together

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    Our Story

    Our chastity story has been going on for about 4 years now. I hope you will forgive my writing skills as I am an engineer by education and writing was never my strong suit. Also, I am writing this from what I remember of the last 6 + years so there are probably things I’ve forgotten or details that aren’t exactly right but they should be pretty close.

    We met almost seven years ago. Friends, I’ll call Dick and Jane to protect them, got us involved in a church program. Our church used to have a winter program for the homeless where during the cold months they opened up the community room every night for homeless people to stay warm. We opened up at 6:00 PM and served soup and a sandwich and they could stay all night and in the morning they got a little breakfast but had to leave during the day. It was all supervised by volunteers who did an 8 hour shift. Missy and I were on the Saturday night shift from 5 PM till 1 AM. I think we ended up together because Jane was the organizer and I think she is a bit of a matchmaker at heart. I was 25 and she was almost 25. Missy was and still is a gorgeous woman. Aside from having a great figure she has a smile that lights up a room and the biggest, bluest eyes in the world. She is smart with a degree in business and works at a financial firm. I am pretty ordinary looking (but not bad looking) and only 5’10” and 145 lbs. I have been a geek most of my life and I am very smart. I graduated 2nd in my mechanical engineering class. I actually own and run a machine shop which I will talk about later. Missy and I hit it off pretty well. It turned out neither of us had much dating experience and were a little shy or introverted. She was easy to talk to which was good because I wasn’t real good at starting conversations. After about the 3rd night I got up enough courage to ask her if she would like to stop for coffee at an all-night diner nearby and she actually said yes. Shortly after that I started picking her up at her apartment and taking her to the church for our shift. Eventually I even asked her for a date and things just progressed from there. Came summer I would take her to a nice little park at the edge of town for picnics and took her to a couple movies. Movies were strange because she would only want to go to PG level movies. Even most of the PG 13 movies had enough sex and bad language that they made her uncomfortable. I was also surprised that she never wore shorts on our picnics, just jeans. She said she didn’t like wearing shorts. She also made it clear that she would not have sex with anyone until she was married. I was also a virgin but that was mostly because I was a geek and not cool with girls, not because I would not have wanted to. In fact, I would masturbate often. By now she had become my fantasy for masturbation but I never told her that.

    My first clue that this was going to be a strange relationship should have been when her parents, who live in the Midwest about a thousand miles away, came to visit her. We were getting pretty serious so she invited me to her apartment to meet them. Her father was nice but didn’t say much. He just kind of sat there and did what her mother said. Her mother on the other hand was domineering and belittling…almost abusive. It seemed as though Missy never did anything quite good enough from cleaning the apartment to cooking to not being married yet. She then even told me, when she found out I was working as a machinist with my father in his shop, that she hoped I would stop wasting my education and get a “professional” job as an engineer that would pay well enough to support her daughter if I intended to pursue her further.

    I proposed to Missy that fall and we got married in the late spring which was the next time I met her mother. We did everything wrong. We had the wedding here instead of in her home town. I didn’t have her brother for a best man (even though I had never met him.) I had Dick for a best man because Dick and Jane had become our best friends. Jane was the matron of honor. Mother had made it clear that Missy was not to use her sister because her sister was a slut (more about that later) and so Missy could pick whoever she wanted. Well when mother found out that Jane was actually born in Jamaica and was not full Caucasian the s!!! hit the fan. Then mother found out that Missy had started taking the pill so she wouldn’t get pregnant before we were ready for children. In case you all didn’t know it, the only reason for having sex is to bear children. Mother didn’t want Missy to be another slut like her sister. This is when I found out that Missy’s sister who is 12 years older than Missy had a “prom night” pregnancy and had to get married. Her brother who is only ten years older though is apparently perfect. By the time we actually had the wedding Missy was practically in tears most of the time. At one point she told me “ I try so hard to please her but I’m never quite good enough.” I told her that was nonsense and that she was perfect for me. Well that apparently was the wrong thing to say and I was told I just didn’t understand but in stronger words.

    After surviving the wedding we went on our honeymoon. We went to Bermuda and had a great time. The sex was a little stiff and awkward but I thought that it was because we were both virgins and not very good at it yet but we would get better. The other clue I should have seen was she did not like me looking at her naked body and didn’t want me fingering her during sex. But again this was her first time with a man.

    When we got home the sex did not get better. Missy did not like having sex. Apparently according to her mother it is one of those things a wife has to do to keep her husband. Missy rarely was open to sex while I wanted to have sex any time I saw her. I was never able to give her an orgasm for obvious reasons as well as I probably was too impatient and not very good at it. The only thing that held us together the next couple of years was we loved each other so much in every other way. I mean she is the nicest, most generous, caring person I have ever met.

    It is time to clear up some loose ends about me. My mother died of cancer when I was a young teen. She was a fantastic woman. My father took it really hard and all he did after that was work at his machine shop business. The business was very good and he had kept up with the technology and had a lot of new computerized machines but the old lathe and drill press and benders and stuff were still in the shop and evenings he and I would spend time on the old equipment just making useless items by hand. I loved working the machines. Our home (I lived with him until I got married and moved into Missy’s apartment) is a huge old farm house he and mom had remodeled. It sits on about 20 acres just outside a medium large city area and in recent years has become surrounded by development. The machine shop is a very large barn about a hundred feet behind the house. When I got out of collage I worked for an industrial firm in town here but was never happy with it. After 2 years I quit and joined my dad in the machine shop and with my engineering background we were able to take the business to the next level doing specialty items for industry and government…stuff that is very high precision. Almost a year after the wedding, my father was killed by a drunk driver. I have to say I never would have gotten through those next few months without Missy. She held my hand and gave me strength. She would sit out in the machine shop evenings with me while I would just fiddle with the old machines. We left the apartment and moved into the house later that year and I totally took over the business and am running it today.

    So back to the story. Our sex life did not get any better. Missy tried to learn to like it and I tried to be more patient. In spite of or maybe because of her fantastic figure she is not at all comfortable with her body and to this day does not like it when I look at it too long. We have both decided that we really do not want children for several reasons but every once in while she will get upset and say we have an obligation to have children. We are just being selfish. Then minutes later she will say “but I don’t want them, am I a bad person?” It is like being on a roller coaster. All I can do is hold her hand and tell her we are doing the right thing.

    Fast forward to a little more than a year after moving into the big house. One Saturday evening we were going over to Dick and Janes to play some cards. Just before we ready to leave, we somehow got into a fight about sex and the lack of it. It took a while for Missy to stop crying and calm down so we were a little late getting over there. Now something you need to know about Jane is she was a psyche major in college. Today she is a stay at home housewife and mother of two teens but she volunteers at the church as a couples councilor. She is also very perceptive and can be very pushy. She is a wonderful person though with a very homespun philosophy. And when you combine that with her knowledge of psychology she always seems to have great advice. That night really put her to the test though. Almost from the minute we walked in she sensed something was wrong and she wouldn’t let Missy blow it off. Finally, Missy broke down and half crying told Jane our whole messy problem. Everything from my bugging her for sex all the time to her thinking she was terrible for hating sex. God was going to punish her for not making me happy, but God doesn’t want her to be a “Whore.” Jane quietly listened to everything Missy said then calmly said, “I can help you. You are Okay! You are going to be Okay!” Missy just asked how am I going to be okay, I’m such a mess. We never did play cards that night.

    Well Jane talked to her for a long time. She had this Calm, soothing voice that was very reassuring. And every once in a while she would, in a very sharp voice, look me and say are you paying attention? I’m talking to both of you! I remember 3 points she made that struck me as truly wise. First she told Missy she could not make me happy. A person can only make themselves happy. But if she was happy then Hubby would be on his way to happy. Then she said to Missy you have to make love because you want to make love for yourself not to satisfy someone else. You need to find out why you are afraid of enjoying the physical part of love. I can’t help you with that but a professional might. Missy just shook her head no. And then definitely to me, Jane said you have to show her you love her just because you love her and not because you are trying to get some. She has to want to make love. Let her pick the time. She finished with a biggie. She said and as for being a whore if you enjoy sex, God wants women to enjoy sex. “That is why he gave them a clitoris and a “G” spot.” She then pointed to the area just above her vagina and said right here and Hubby you need to know this too. She continued by talking to me and said she may not realize it but there are dozens of areas on her body that trigger arousal and you need to find the ones she enjoys the most. You have to listen to her body because it will speak to you. She went back to Missy and said that there are lots of good books out there that talk about sex and your body and you might find some of them helpful in getting comfortable with your body and love making.

    I then raised a question. I asked what do I do if she doesn’t feel like making love for a long time. I don’t want to do it myself and plus that makes her upset. With that Dick spoke up. He said wait here a minute and I am going to show you something. When he came back he had what turned out to be a plastic chastity cage. When he told us what it was and how it worked I thought Missy would lose it. Dick persisted. He said we use it mostly as a toy and it adds a little spice to our sex life. However, there are times when I take Jane for granted, you know watching TV and going out with my buddies and not really paying any attention to her. When she feels neglected she will bring this out and tell me to put it on. The rules are simple. I don’t ask for sex. All I have to do are the little things, like talk to her instead of watching some dumb game, just hold her hand,. and maybe go to the grocery store with her. Just things that let her know she is my number one priority. I don’t have to smother her with attention, just show her I care. Usually after a couple days she gets amorous in the bedroom and when she is ready she takes it off of me and we have great sex. He said it might help you control your urge and remind you to be romantic without pushing for more. Think about it. You can get them online. You will have to try it for a day or two when you get it to make it fit right and get comfortable enough to wear for a few days. The first nights can get pretty uncomfortable. By now it was after 10:00 and their one teen came home from a date. We talked a few more minutes and then went home. We didn’t really say anything on the way home. Neither of us knew what to say. I finally said I’d be willing to try that chastity thing if it would make her comfortable to know sex was her choice. She said I just don’t know… I don’t …I don’t know just over and over.

    The next week, as I recall, we didn’t say much about sex at all and didn’t make love at all. I tried to remember the things Dick and Jane told us and tried to make Missy feel loved, I might have even tried too hard…I don’t really know. I did look on the web a couple of times about chastity devices. The blogs and forums I saw were not anything like what Dick had said. The sites that had them for sale did refer to them as toys to enhance you sexual encounters but I really wasn’t learning much to help me. Missy had spent a couple evenings on the computer for a couple of hours which was not like her. She mostly just did e-mail and would occasionally do some business stuff on it but she was not a browser, We have a nice book store about 5 miles from us where you can sit and have a cup of coffee or buy a Danish while you look at books you might want to buy. Covid really hurt them and I don’t know if they will survive but Missy is an avid reader and she spent a lot of Saturday mornings there. Me not so much. Well this Saturday she said she was going to the book store. Remembering what Dick had said, I said I’ll go with you. Maybe I can find some good humor books. She was very okay with that and we went. When we got there she said I should go find my books and she was just going to browse. After about a half hour I went looking for her and found her looking at a book called the Joy of Sex. It turned out it was a two book set. She said she thought she wanted to buy it but just the way she said it I could tell she was embarrassed to buy it. I said well I have a Dave Barry book here I’m going to get. There is no reason for both of us to stand in line so why don’t I just get them both and I’ll meet you in the car in a few minutes. There was a big sense of relief in her face and she left and I bought the books. When we got home she was kind of emphatic and said to please go do something else while she read. I thought about puttering around in the shop but then decided to go searching on the computer some more. I was suddenly wondering what she had been looking at on the computer during the week and started checking the history. I found several sites that had been visited not by me and they had to do with chastity. I started opening them and found one she had been to twice. It was actually as much about “female leads” as chastity. Unlike most of the sites it was very tame. It was written by a woman and was all about how to take control of your marriage, and making your “man” be more attentive. By controlling his sexual release to when you wanted it and not when he did you could get him to do housework, and dress better, and basically anything you wanted. I continued looking and found where she had visited this woman another time. Here this woman was giving advice on how to get your man to be willing to try chastity. As it would not seem to be in his best interest you have to make it appear that he will get a benefit from it. She listed lots of so called benefits and then went on to how to actually get started. Her biggest point was that the woman has to demonstrate total control to him and herself. She said any man can go a week or so because they go that long while you are having your period. Once you know he can wear the chastity tube for a while and when you agree to start you just tell him you will let him out for release when you know he is ready. If he knew from the start that this will be a minimum of three or four weeks he would balk and may not do it. I’m sure she read all that and that was a little scary. I sat and thought for a long time. I finally decided that if Missy wanted to try chastity I would do whatever it takes if it would help. She had gotten a book on sex that she was reading so she obviously wanted to make it work. I went back to one of the sales sites and ordered a device. There were two kinds that I thought might work so I ordered one of each because Dick had said it might take some time to make one fit right. I didn’t tell Missy I ordered them and I figured I could try them while I was working days and she was at work. If she decided to try it I would be ready. After supper that night I asked her if she had thought about what Dick said and she answered a little. I asked her if she thought I should read her book. She said maybe so I said well when you finish let me have it. When we went to bed that night she asked me if I wanted to make love and I immediately said yes. After a few seconds I remembered it is supposed to be up to her and added but only if you want to. I remembered Missy really smiled for what seemed like the first time in a week and said “I do.” Then she said I needed to go very slow and to kiss her neck and her shoulders and of all things her elbow and to rub her “spot.” At one point she started to breathe a little heavier and I thought things were going to be really special but then she stiffened up and just sort of pulled me to get on her. We had sex and then I just held her for a long time before we went to sleep. I remember in the morning she said she was sorry about last night. She thought she wanted to make love but now she thinks she just felt like she had to because I’ve been so nice to her. I reminded her that I do those things because I love her and Jane said she has to wait until she is ready not me. I asked her if Dick’s idea would help and then managed to say I had ordered one in case we decided to try it. I said it would make it easier for her to wait till she was ready if she was sure I was willing to wait. Once more I got an “I don’t know” but then followed by a maybe.

    The first device, called a curve came surprisingly fast. I am sure it was that Wednesday. I spent the first afternoon trying the parts that held the scrotum and eventually settled on the middle sized one. I took it off before going to bed and Missy did not say anything one way or the other. I wore it all day Thursday and had to put on a little cream where the ring rubbed but it wasn’t bad. I did the same thing Friday and Saturday and it seemed to rub less and was now almost comfortable. Sunday night I decided to wear it to bed. Still no comment. It was hard. The pulling against the scrotum woke me up at least three times and Monday morning there was definitely some redness. Missy said she didn’t want me to do anything that was going to hurt but I said Dick said the first nights would be difficult. I left it off till Monday night and then wore it to bed again. It was uncomfortable but not like the first night so I left it on Tuesday and through Tuesday night. It wasn’t too bad. I took it off and checked and there was a little redness so I put some cream on and a little later put it back on. I then was able to wear it Wednesday and Thursday night with no pain. When I checked Friday there didn’t seem to be any redness so that night before bed I handed the key to Missy and said I think I can do this and you are now in control. Her first question I remember was what do I do with the key? That was not what I was expecting and finally I told her that Jane says she wears her around her neck on a chain. Missy said but won’t everybody think that is a weird thing to wear on a chain. I thought a minute and said I can put some gold spray paint on it and you can tell people I gave you the key to my heart. They will think it’s romantic. She didn’t seem sure so I said well you can wear it inside your blouse or keep it in your purse. Then came the biggie. She said that she had read a little about chastity and the one lady had said that to establish control you have to lock the man up for at least three weeks and you can’t release him no matter how much either one wants sex. That is the only way that you can both know that the woman is in control. Missy went on that she wasn’t sure that she could do that to me. I told her that if this was going to work she had to be confident that she could totally say when she wanted sex and I wanted to see if this was going to work. She said but what if it doesn’t and that she isn’t that strong. I reminded her of how hard she has been trying with the book and all and I think she can do it. She had one more question that night. She said I hadn’t had sex in two weeks already, should I have sex with her before we start? It is going to be more than a month that I won’t have sex. I remember I wanted to have sex so much but I said no, that is the wrong reason for us to do it tonight. It has to be because you want to make love. I’ll wait. So we went to bed and cuddled for a while and started what for me would be the hardest three weeks of my life. Saturday morning I took the key and sprayed it lightly with gold color Rust oleum and put it on one of her gold chains. She tucked it into her blouse. That weekend I started reading the books she got. It turns out the books were written in the early 70’s. I think that was the beginning of the so-called sexual revolution.

    I know Jane said women have a lot of sensual areas but according to this book her whole body is one erogenous zone including feet, armpits, and even hair. I tried very hard to be attentive without being what you call clingy and never mentioning sex in any way. Friday night two weeks later she came home from work and was exhausted. She’d been on her feet all day. Must have walked a hundred miles. Nothing had gone right and her legs and feet were killing her. I put dinner on hold (I normally make dinner because I am at home and she has about a half hour commute so I can have dinner almost ready when she comes in.) and took off her heels. I told her to take off her panty hose and I would be back with some of my good cream and would fix those feet for her. When I got back she was still just half sitting half lying on the couch so I told her to take off the hose. She stood up long enough to get them down almost to her knees and sat back down. I carefully, trying not to be sexy, slid them the rest of the way off. I then started with the cream on her calves gently massaging her legs. She said that feels good, don’t stop ever. I eventually got to the feet and she was almost purring. Turns out though the bottoms of her feet are very ticklish. As long as I rubbed hard it felt good but if I just ran my fingers on the soles she would giggle and the feet flew all over the place. That led to horsing around on the couch and a lot of laughing. After a few minutes I finished making supper and we ate on the couch. She just vented about how bad her day had been how glad she was it was Friday. After I put away the dishes we watched a little TV and then she asked if we could go to bed early. We went up to the bedroom and changed and then she handed me the key and said I want to make love to you. I said but we have a week to go and she said I want to make love to you right now. As I was unlocking the chastity tube she said I have a couple of rules. You have to go slow. You have to listen to me. You have to do all the things in that book. The last one wasn’t possible because the book talks about all kinds of positions and weird stuff but I was sure she meant I had to find all the erogenous zones. It went well but slow was an understatement. Several times she would say “easy” or “not yet.” At one point I started to kiss her vagina and she started to stiffen up so moved back up her abdomen. She was breathing hard and getting wet but I was actually getting afraid I would lose it as soon as I entered her or maybe even before. Finally she just shouted “now.” I lasted two or three strokes but fortunately by the time I finished she went crazy. Her legs tightened around me and she pulled me so hard against her I was afraid I was going to hurt her breasts. Then she relaxed and we just laid there for a while. All at once she started to cry. I asked her what was wrong because it had been amazing. She said “nothing”….”I don’t know.” It was getting to be her most common phrase. In the morning I curled up with her and kissed her a little and told her last night was amazing. She said she liked it but now she’s worried. “Am I turning into my sister?” I said I don’t know your sister. She said my mother said she had sex all the time in high school and got pregnant and ruined our reputation. She had to marry a boy who can’t even support her right. She’s a slut. I told her that all she did was enjoy making love to her husband and she isn’t anything like her sister. She said but what if I get to be like her? She got up and went for her shower. After I took my shower I put the tube back on. I didn’t ask when we would make love again because I was afraid the answer might be never. It was a night and a morning I will never forget. It was as if I had just done it for the first time and in the morning my joy turned to fear.

    Later that day I remember asking her if she was alright and again the familiar “I don’t know.” She said she could understand how her sister got addicted to sex. She said she thought if we only did it one or two times a week she would be okay but I would have to not let her let me out any other times. And then she asked if I would be okay with that. I agreed. We decided we would start by doing it on Wednesdays and Saturdays. The third or fourth week of this schedule we sort of concluded that the middle of the week was never very good because we were both a little tired and she usually was a little stressed from work and so we agreed to just Saturdays but she promised me they would be as good as she could. The love making ranges from okay to great and we still do just Saturdays. It seems to me that the ones that are only okay usually come after she has talked to her mother on the phone recently. Her mother is pressing her for grandchildren and has some strange views about life, pretty much hates me, and is very domineering. So her talks with her mother may actually have something to do with how she feels before going to bed. I mentioned this once to Missy and as I recall it just got her upset so I don’t bring it up any more.

    I have to say she tries very hard to make our sex lives good. She is still not at all comfortable with her body. I don’t know if it is because or in spite of her being beautiful and in fantastic shape. At 32 she could pass for 20. She does not like it if men look at her and she even does not like it if I admire her figure too much. This makes my 30th birthday (2 years ago) amazing even if it turned into not so good at the end. As a surprise she had gotten a semi-sheer bra that only covered about half her breasts, some very sexy stockings, a sheer blouse, short skirt and satin bikini panties. For my birthday weekend she sent me down to make us some breakfast and she went to take her shower. When she came down that was the outfit she had on. I could actually see the outline and color of her nipples and I wanted her so bad right then and there. She asked me if I liked it and I said she looked fantastic and she smiled. She wore the outfit all day and sort of flirted and teased while we just did stuff around the house. She has never done any of that before. I could sense a little nervous but mostly she seemed okay with me looking at her. For dinner she set the table with candles and no room lights and the nicest silverware and dishes. It was very romantic. She had bought king crab legs and some really good wine. It was hard keeping my cool sitting across from her at the table. After supper her mother called and they talked for quite a while. I didn’t really hear any of the conversation so I don’t know what was said but after that things went downhill. The rest of the evening she was very uneasy and she would keep her arms in front of her breasts so now I know that all this has something to do with how her mother talks to her. She finally said let’s go to bed. Upstairs she asked if I wanted to undress her. I started by taking off her stockings and skirt. By the time I took her bra off she started to cry and said “I’m sorry I can’t do this.” I held her but I couldn’t stop the crying. Eventually, I got her night gown and slipped it on her and said it was okay and we just laid down in bed and she cried herself to sleep. I have never seen the bra or stockings or skirt since. It turns out she actually likes the bikini panties. She says they are more comfortable than her other ones and wears them all the time now. The sheer blouse she will wear over a colored top and it makes the top look a little dressy and she likes that look. By the next Saturday things were okay and we had our usual love making session.

    That is our life today. Mostly predictable, no spontaneity. Overall it is okay. Much better than before we tried the chastity. Jane had originally told us we had to figure out the problem and solve it and we obviously have not done that. The chastity device is a crutch, if you will, that makes our sex life possible. Our real love for each other is what is really important. If it were not for how strong that is we would have never have made it this far. What is the point of this very long story I guess it is love is most important and will get you through most anything. If you and your spouse have different libidos or, as in our case, serious sex issues chastity cages can be a useful tool. It gives the woman the control and reminds the man that it is his responsibility to foster the desire in his woman.
     
  2. Sexy Slave 69
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    Sexy Slave 69 Active member

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    Nice one sounds like your on a wonderful journey.
     
  3. Shepherdsflock
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    Shepherdsflock Active member

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    Hubby, you were true to your word that it would be long. Lol. But I was on the edge of tears reading it. Your story is eerily similar to my own. My wife's parents acted the same way, my wife never exposes any part of her body and wears long pants and long sleeved shirts even in sweltering weather, she never let's me see her body and always have to have the lights off if we do anything intimate, and you and I even have a background in machining and engineering. Pretty uncanny.

    When I introduced chastity, my wife actually kind of liked it. Taking the pressure off from eliminating the potential for penetrative sex seemed to relax her a little. She also had this sense of reproductive obligation and that was really the driving force behind the little sex we did have. It got really abusive at times, with her saying nasty things to me about God wanting me to impregnate her and I wasn't doing my duty as a husband. We ended up having six kids. I think we set a world record for fertility, because we had six kids while only having sex maybe 25 times in 10 years.

    I sincerely hope that things get better between you and your wife. My heart aches for you, I know how bad all of this hurts.
     
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  4. sissy_connie
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    sissy_connie Active member

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    Thank you for sharing your journey. :)
     
  5. NsToy
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    NsToy Active member

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    That is an incredible story. Sounds like her mother has really done a number on her. Has Jane pushed any more for your wife to talk to a professional about her feelings?
     
  6. StubHub
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    StubHub Active member

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    Really nice for you to share your story. Sounds like her mother and her perception of proper behavior has created much of her problems.

    My Wife of 39 years has her on limited range of proper and normal. She has expanded her range to a degree. Many including things dealing with me.

    Her rekindled an interest in chastity was a major surprise with 3 cages as my Xmas gifts. Right now I am dealing with a major problem that arose after she had allowed me to massage her a second time in as many years.

    This weekend has been rough, she has not delivered a lot of words on the matter but most of Saturday was spent shopping for twin beds to replace our king.

    I had started a journal of our journey under Vanilla to Owner title. I feel that tonight before I leave on business trip again I will hear the decisions she has made on my foul up.

    Good luck. allow your wife to set the course and pace. Sounds like you're love of each other can climb the mountain.
     
  7. Hubby&Missy
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    Hubby&Missy Love keeps us together

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    Jane has gently reminded Missy that at some point she has to find out why she feels the way she does about sex. Missy does not want to talk to anyone about it. I even suggested we could go together and she said that would be even worse. The rest of our lives is great and I try to accept that sex is once a week and sometimes it is good and sometimes just okay.
     
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  8. StubHub
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    StubHub Active member

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    Time may help. Best of luck to you both.
     
  9. Hubby&Missy
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    Hubby&Missy Love keeps us together

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    Sheperdsflock. It gives me some comfort and hope knowing we are not the only ones and you have managed to keep it together for so long.
     
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  10. LockedPom
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    LockedPom Active member

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    A prime example of why "no sex till marriage" is an F'ed up concept. Sorry to read your story but marrying someone who is not sexually compatible is not going to end well.
     
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  11. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Active member

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    good luck to you both
     
  12. StubHub
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    StubHub Active member

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    Sex does not make a marriage at least I do not feel that way. Granted it can add a intimate physical relationship to it as well as a procreation factor.

    My love and emotions for my go far beyond physical sex events. If fact PIV probably is gone forever for use.

    I do look to repair our issues of close contact so we can share intimacy in a different fashion. One that she enjoys with out pressure of her returning any physical rewards to me beyond her allowing me to make her happy.

    A couple that has love for each other can have a wonderful relationship with physical sex. That is my opinion.
     
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  13. homebody
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    homebody In awe of GoddesofHomebody

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    Good sex isn’t enough alone to keep a marriage going. Being incompatible sexually can cause enough damage long term to destroy the feelings needed to keep a marriage going. This is a challenge I am grateful I don’t have to face. I wish you happiness
     
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  14. jemima
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    jemima maid for my Mistress

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    ooh nice. i wish you happyness as well.
     
  15. Hubby&Missy
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    Hubby&Missy Love keeps us together

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    This weekend was a bit of a roller coaster. Saturday afternoon we had a fight. Well she fought and I mostly listened. It seems she got curious and broke down and read the blog which I have been hoping she would do. (I left all the info on how to get to it by the computer.) However, what she took from it was not any of our success but only that I am “bad mouthing her mother to the world.” And apparently everyone who reads it thinks her mother is the cause of all our problems. Well her mother loves her and only wants what’s best for her. She (Missy) is the problem and I am part of the problem and it is just who we are and we can’t change our DNA, we just have to live with it. And so on. She admitted her mother was stubborn and set in her ways and a perfectionist. She knows her mother doesn’t like me, but that is no excuse for me to blame her for our problems. It went on like this for several minutes and then she said “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” We didn’t say much at supper or even for the rest of the night except for a few meaningless little things. Needless to say we didn’t make love either.

    Sunday, at the end of church service, she went right over to Jane and said she needed to talk to her. Jane sensed right away that this was big and she turned to Dick and me and said she would take Missy home with her and why didn’t we go grab some breakfast or something and go to my house. She would bring Missy back and pick up Dick when they were through talking. Dick never asked me what was going on and I never offered. At the house we went out to my 3-D copier and played around making little stuff and then eventually went in to watch ESPN.

    After about 3 hours Jane and Missy came home. Jane cornered me privately and said Missy is okay but she is struggling with who she is and she wants to do it by herself. “Just be patient and listen to her but don’t try to tell her what to do and don’t try to fix it!” Then, almost as if she could read my mind she added, don’t worry she still loves you very much.

    After they left I asked Missy if she was okay and she said she felt much better but that was all. The rest of the day went mostly normal and Missy seems pretty happy. At bedtime Missy asked if it would be okay if we didn’t make love. She said she knew we didn’t last night and that wasn’t my fault and she is sorry and if I needed to she would do it because she loves me. I told her she didn’t need to apologize and I don’t want to make love if she isn’t comfortable with it. I reminded her that she has the right to say no any time and not feel bad about it or even explain why. She said “thank you” and gave me a kiss. I asked her if she would mind if I wrote about this in my blog. She asked me if it made me feel better to write in the blog. I told her it helps me understand what I’m feeling when I am a little confused or lost. She said to go ahead. It would be alright. Then she kind of laughed a little and said maybe your on line friends can unconfuse you. She went to bed and I came back down to the computer room and wrote this. It actually does help to just write stuff down. We’ll actually probably have an extra week for us to work things out because next weekend will be that time of the month and maybe that is a good thing for both of us.
     
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  16. StubHub
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    StubHub Active member

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    Patience a great virtue. Give her space she's working on it.

    Talking and writing it down can and does give a vent at least for me.

    Best of luck.
     
  17. Hubby&Missy
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    Hubby&Missy Love keeps us together

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    She came home from work pretty beat and went up to get out of her work clothes, only instead of putting on her comfy sweats like usual, she came down in her nightgown, robe, and slippers. She sat down for supper and started talking about her day. The zoom interviews were frustrating and she couldn’t seem to get anything ever finished. It was just a rough day and she was going to turn in early tonight. When we finished supper I suggested she go sit on the couch and I would get the lotion and give her a good foot and leg rub. She said, “that won’t fix anything…..but it sure would feel good.” I massaged her calfs and her feet for about a half hour and she kept talking about work with an occasional “that feels good.” Afterwards we watched the boob tube for a while but she kept drifting off. So I came in here to write a little update.

    Things have been a little better this week. I have been holding her when she comes in from work and letting her vent. She hasn’t talked about the post anymore and has not said anything about what she and Jane talked about. A couple nights ago I tried to interest her in the journal. I told her it was a safe place and many of the people at the site are supportive. I told her if she would help me write my feelings then maybe she could add hers and it would help both of us. She didn’t say anything right away and then she said, “I don’t know.” Then she said, “Maybe.” Then she said, “I’m a private person.” That was it. I know it helps me to write and the support I feel helps too. I am going to have her read this before I press post to make sure she is okay with it and then I am going to send her up to bed to get some real sleep.
     
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  18. StubHub
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    StubHub Active member

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    My Wife has access to account and can view all my posts. Our discussion of her setting up VF access for herself. She's not ready fo that.
     
  19. Isopropylforyou
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    Isopropylforyou Active member

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    This is some powerful stuff.

    Are you looking for some advice here or are you just here to vent and get your thoughts in order?

    The Mansion is here for both.

    This is a safe place for all of us.

    I have and still am in similar situation, just not as intense/deep as yours. If you would like some advice I would be more than happy to help. Either on here or in a private message.

    Iso.
     
  20. Hubby&Missy
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    Hubby&Missy Love keeps us together

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    She is still sleeping. I screwed up bad last night. After I posted, as she was leaving the room she said this is really important to you isn’t it. I said yes. It helps me get my thoughts together and since the site is anonymous, I can say what I feel and the comments are pretty supportive and sometimes helpful. I should have stopped there but then I added. I am hoping that someday I can figure out how we can enjoy intimacy together. She immediately burst into tears and ran upstairs. I just froze. I realized that what I said came out all wrong. She is thinking I am unhappy with our love life and it is her fault. That isn’t what I meant at all. I knew I had to apologize.

    By the time I got upstairs I still didn’t know what I was going to say. When I opened the door she was still crying and was lying on the bed on her back naked with the key on the bed beside her. Before I could say anything she cried, “I’m sorry. Do what you need to do.” I just looked at her, half crying myself, and all I could think was I’ve taken us back to the beginning. I’d ruined everything. I went over and pulled the sheet over her and said, “no this is my fault.” I told her what I said just came out all wrong because I’m not good at saying how I feel. I told her I loved her the way she is but I don’t want her to hurt when we make love. I want her to feel the passion that I feel when we make love. She was still sobbing and she said, “I can’t do that. I’ll never be able to do that. I am so sorry.” I didn’t know what to say so I said I love you and please don’t cry, which just made her cry more. I just kind of wrapped the sheet around her and laid down beside her and held her the best I could. I kept telling her I loved her. Eventually she fell asleep. I just held her all night. I probably cat napped a little but I didn’t sleep much. I never even took off my clothes.

    This morning I am really scared. I’ve thrown away everything we gained and we are back where we started…..if she even wants to stay at all after last night. I love her so much. She is the best thing that ever happened to me. I just want her to know how wonderful it feels to be inside her and it feels just as wonderful when I hold her and caress her back and kiss her neck and I want her to have that same wonderful feeling I have. And I feel so bad when I make her cry when we make love. I hate hurting her and I just want to hold her tighter and say something to make it better. But I can never seem h

    I had to see what he was writing about me I don’t know what to say. He doesn’t understand the way I love him. Tell him it is working. Tell him it is the only reason I am able to have sex without feeling like I am being raped and without him feeling like he is forcing me to have sex. No, I don’t like the feeling after I have an orgasm. I will never be the woman he wants so badly. But after sex when he kisses me and he holds me tight for a very long time and says he loves me that is when he makes love to me. I feel more intimacy in those minutes than any woman feels during sex. Lots of times I cry and I tell him I don’t know why but I think it is because I am scared to death that I am not enough woman for him and I will lose him. I am crying now so I am going to post this before I lose my courage and then I am going to kiss him and tell him how much I love him.
     
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  21. homebody
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    homebody In awe of GoddesofHomebody

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    The love you both have for each other really comes through in your posts. It is so sad that you are going through this painful time. But I believe that you can both get to a point were you can physically show each other your love in a way that is satisfying and meaningful to you both. I am pulling for you both.
     
  22. Isopropylforyou
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    Isopropylforyou Active member

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    -This part is for both of you:

    No last night was not a disaster.

    It was a breakthrough!

    You have identified the problem.

    This is a GOOD THING!!

    Now you know where to start.


    -This part is for Her;

    He loves you. That's why he is still there.

    And YES YOU CAN CHANGE!!!

    You just have to want to.

    I am going to take a guess and say that you are not happy with how you feel during love making. (FYI its Having Sex when you're single and Making Love when your Married.)

    The feelings and attitudes towards Love Making are being caused from what you learned during your childhood. All of our emotional growth happens during our childhood.

    The emotions that this is causing cannot stay inside. They must come out. Its kind like a can of Pop when you shake it and shake it and shake it without opening it. Eventually it's going to burst and leave the drink flat and tasteless. You need to talk to someone about what is going on. You need a professional. Ask "Jane" for help in finding one.

    Your feelings should not be having such a negative impact on Making Love.

    In the body, when it feels pain, that is an indication that something is wrong. Thankfully the problem has been identified. Now you need to find out where this came from and how to heal from it.

    That is what you must discover for yourself. No one can tell you what is the problem, you must discover it for yourself.

    That is your journey.

    Thankfully you have a loving Man by your side to be your loving partner in this Journey.

    Yes. He loves you. If a group of complete strangers can see it, it must be true.

    -This part is for Him.

    She is your Queen and you are Her Knight, her Champion. From now on you LET NO ONE DISRESPECT OR HURT YOUR QUEEN. EVER!! It does not matter who they are or what their status is. PROTECT HER. You are her Husband, Her Knight. She is about to go through some emotionally heavy stuff and you must protect her from ANY and ALL negative, emotionally abusive comments or conservation's.

    Once you have defended your Queen against those that would seek to harm her just once, they will learn.

    Stay the Course.

    -For Both of you:

    You can do this. It must be done together.

    You will succeed. I know it.

    Why you ask???
    Simple you Love each other.

    As a wise man once said "All You Need is Love"

    Iso.
     
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  23. Jah Rubbings
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    Jah Rubbings Jah Rubbings

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    Couldn't have said it better myself. You guys are amazing, stay strong we are all here ready to support. Keep talking and keep learning.
     
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  24. subhubandy
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    subhubandy Member

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    Wow! Powerful stuff. Thank you both for sharing. I would guess crying is not unusual before, during or after sex. I have often times cried after sex with my amazing wife. Usually it is from thinking I do not deserve this... A good orgasm for me sometimes feels in my head like someone got in there and erased a chalkboard that was completely filled with writing, scribbles and drawings. Then when I come down from the orgasm my mind has been "reset".
     
  25. Hubby&Missy
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    Hubby&Missy Love keeps us together

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    I didn’t hear Missy come down the stairs and when she came in the room this morning and said “Move over” she was not happy. I was terrified. She sat there reading for a long time and I was just frozen behind her. Then she started to type. I could not actually see what she was typing so it was even worse. I didn’t actually know what she wrote till just now. When she finished she just sat there and I was sure it was over. Then she got up and kissed me so long and hard and the feeling of relief. What can I say. The rest of the morning has been okay. We ate breakfast. I went out and blew the little snow we got last night off the walk and she brushed the snow off the porch and her bushes. We even made snow angles like a couple of kids. She is upstairs now finally taking her shower. When she gets dressed we are going to do our grocery shopping. We have not TALKED. Not one word about anything that happened. I don’t think either one of us knows what to say. I just looked at some of the posts and saw Iso’s posts Thank you for your thoughts. They are definitely reassuring. What you are saying comes down to communication and that has always been the hardest for both of us as you can see . Yes, in the short time I have been here I have come to see it as an anonymous, supportive place where I can get my thoughts together. Even help me compose the things I want to say to Missy. But if anyone can come up with the words I need to tell her how I feel now I could sure use them. Words that say you are my world. I love you more than I even love me. The feeling I have when I hold you is wonderful. But I NEED that special feeling I get when I make love to you. It is my fault, not yours that I am not a good enough lover to give you that special feeling that is like no other. How do I say all that without hurting her like I did last night? Anyone?
     
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